Smartphones – How do they take over your relationship
Would you like to meet the monster that is taking over your relationship surreptitiously?
If there is one thing that I would identify that has drastically altered our everyday behavior, occupy a significant amount of our mind space, change the way we interact with people, affected our relationship with our significant other, that would be the Smart phones of this world.
We take care of them as precious commodity. We cradle them like children. Pay significant attention to them. Spend a lot of time in their company.
Children as young as two and three years old are now comfortable and even competent to use smart phones today. Even senior citizens who are new to the smart phone era also get addicted to it. So the adult population getting over involved with smart phones is not surprising. (I carefully use the term over involved. Technology is not at fault, it is the way it is being used)
I see so many couples in my professional practice as a couple therapist, where one of the major complaints is the time that the other partner spends on their mobile, on social media, or on video games.
6 ways that a smart phone overuse may impact your relationship adversely.
- Low quality conversations with your partner
Basically a phone is a communication device. It should help you communicate better with your significant other. Instead, today even the presence of a smart phone in the vicinity of two people talking to each other damages the quality of conversation between them. People expect to be disturbed and interrupted by the smart phone at any point of time and hence prefer not to dwell into deeper, open and more meaningful topics of conversation. When you are not willing to open up to each other honestly and meaningfully, the quality of relationship also gets affected.
When your phone gives a notification chime – in the middle of a conversation – and when you check your phone, (unless it is an emergency) you give a message that the notification or the message behind the notification is more important than the person and the conversation that you are having in the present.
- Text conversations can create misunderstandings between the two of you
When you want to say sweet nothings to each other, or just to indicate to your partner that you are thinking of them, or even have quick update about your day’s plans etc, texting is good enough. But when you try to have a serious conversation over text messaging, or if it becomes a fight or a conflict, then texting can create significant misunderstanding between the two of you. Albert Mehrabian’s Communication model indicates that 7% of what you communicate comes from the words you use and 93% comes from your voice – tone, pitch, volume, your body language, your facial expressions etc. Text messages miss out on this significant 93% and can lead to misunderstandings and more conflicts.
Even a delay in responding to a text message can be interpreted as disinterest in the conversation or even disinterest in yourself. An oft heard remark – “you were online but you didn’t respond to my message”.
- Smart phones eat into your time
Smart phones provide entertainment on demand – music, videos, games, information, connections, network, acknowledgement, approval from others through social networking etc. No wonder smart phones are taking over lives and relationships. It is very common that you start looking at one video on Facebook or YouTube, but you do not stop at one. You continue to look at a series of videos or articles and many a times at the end of it you may find that you are looking at things which are completely irrelevant and in the process have spent the previous couple of hours with the smart phone. This time could have been spent more fruitfully with your partner and your family.
- Refuge from addressing real life issues and problems
Smart phone becomes your solace, your refuge from dealing with real life issues and problems. Instead of dealing with issues with your partner directly, you might end up getting more and more involved with your smart phone spending more and more time on your phone, distracting yourself and keeping yourself occupied with other social media activities etc, and would be rewarded for your behaviour by your smart phone. This is the latest stonewalling technique by which you can ignore your real life issues.
- Creates distance in your relationship
Even if your relationship was very exciting and interesting at the outset, it is normal that over time the passion and the excitement might reduce, bringing up a sense of disinterest or even boredom. When this happens it is important for the couple to focus back on the relationship and put adequate efforts to nurture, revive and bring back the spark into the relationship. Instead of that you tackle boredom by getting involved into the smart phone for entertainment and keeping yourself engaged, creating even more distance in your relationship.
- Looking for validation, rewards from the smart phone and start relying and depending on it to keep occupied.
Every ping, notification, like etc, that comes up on the smart phone gives a rush of dopamine. This acts like a reward that is random, unscheduled and motivates you to check your phone every time there is a notification. It could be “like” on Facebook or Instagram that can make you feel validated. A ping from a chat application can make you feel acknowledged. Random conversations can make you feel excited, to be distracted. Relationships are fulfilling when you are involved in the process. When you understand each other and provide the warmth, validation and support for each other in both good and not so good times. Looking for validation elsewhere only complicates your relationship and distances you further.
It is important for us to leverage technology, social media to our benefits and not to our or our relationship’s detriment. Let us limit the smart phone usage and focus more on living a fulfilling real life IRL.
Read here about 6 ways to reclaim your life and relationships from the smart phone invasion.
About the Author:
Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a professional counsellor she provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.