When sorry loses its meaning | Inner Dawn Counselling

Inner Dawn Counselling - Meaning a Sorry

Sometimes you say or do something which you shouldn’t have or not do something that you should have. You might also have done something inadvertently as well. And the other person is hurt, disappointed, sad or even angry about it. You try to apologise by telling them ‘Sorry’, but it doesn’t seem to address the issue and the both of you are not able to come back to the normal.

Why does it happen? You said sorry – right? Why does the other person not accept your apology and why does the issue still linger in the background or stay in the foreground? It is exasperating – right?

Many a times it happens that the sorry that you say, loses its meaning based upon what you say before and after the sorry or how you say it. Let us look at a few ways in which you are sorry loses its meaning and weightage.

1. When you defend and justify your action or inaction.

Raj and Neelam (fictional case) were planning to go shopping for Neelam’s birthday which was the next day. Neelam was waiting for Raj the whole evening. Raj got delayed and he didn’t message her that he was delayed and he couldn’t make it for the shopping plans. Neelam kept waiting for a call from Raj, messaged him a few times, called him as well, but no response from Raj. Raj comes back home late in the night around 10 PM and of course Neelam is angry with him. He tries to tell her that his boss pulled him into a meeting at the last moment, that he didn’t get time to message her, he was with someone and so he could not attend her call and couldn’t call back. He says I am sorry I came late. Neelam stays angry and the problem is not solved.

Justifications and defending his situation, reduces the value and meaning of the sorry over here.

2. Not understanding the other person’s point of view and emotions

He says – I have given you all the reasons why I came late and why I couldn’t call you or message you. Why don’t you understand? Why do you have to get so angry and upset over this? Have I not come back early at other times? I am sorry but why do you have to make such a big fuss about this?

He invalidates her emotions, expects her to understand his situation, without offering any understanding and empathy towards her point of View and emotions. He negates her emotions and even puts them down – as making a fuss.

3. Getting angry back at the other person.
By now she is upset and she starts crying. Now he gets angry on her and says – what is it that I have done so bad that you have to cry now? You always do this, you make a mountain out of a molehill and exaggerate issues. I have already said sorry.

He gets angry at her and starts accusing her and also generalises her behaviour and wants her to feel guilty for her behaviour. The sorry has already gone out of the window.

4. Sorry being used as a tool to end the conversation

He says ok fine I am sorry what more do you want from me in a rude tone and voice. And i dont want to talk about this anymore. Do whatever you want.

This is not going to make her feel any better or address the underlying issue.

5. Saying sorry but repeating the same situation or behaviour again.

Seema and Nitin (fictional case) entertain their friends quite often. Many a times Seema had the habit of making fun of Nitin based upon his vocabulary and accent. He gets hurt by this usually and tells Seema after the party that she shouldn’t have made fun of him that way in front of friends. Every time Seema would apologise and say sorry but then she would repeat the same behaviour again the next time.

When you really understand that your behaviour has hurt the other person and when you say sorry about that, you wouldn’t repeat the same behaviour again. When you don’t, your sorry doesn’t mean anything.

Now that you are aware of the different contexts where the value and meaning of an apology for a sorry can get eroded, it is time to be more aware and conscious, to make sure the apology/sorry really holds meaning and value.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a professional counsellor she provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.