Do you experience any emotional distance between you and your partner?
Do you feel that you don’t connect with each other anymore the way you used to?
Do you find that your conversations have dried up and has become transactional?
Do you want to rekindle your emotional connection in your relationship?

If the answers to these questions are ‘Yes’, then you are at the right place.

In our Latest video on Inner Dawn Youtube channel I talk about exactly this. Here is the detailed content of the same.

Emotional connection and healthy attachment are the basic glue that creates the bond between people in a relationship. And when this emotional connection fades and declines, you may experience it as boredom, disinterest, conflicts getting escalated, overall a deterioration in the quality of your relationship.

Many couples come in to therapy with a complaint that they are drifting apart from each other and are unable to reconnect. They think they have lost love in the relationship. Well I tell them that it is possible to reconnect and rebuild and read ignite The Spark in the relationship if they are willing to put effort into it. Relationships can make life fulfilling and at the same time can be the biggest challenge that we face.

Before I get into what could you do differently, I think it is important to also highlight how to go about these.

There are three significant aspects/processes to be kept in mind.

1. What you think or believe (Cognitions)
2. How you feel about it emotionally (Emotions)
3. What you do in action (Behaviour)

It is important that you involve all the 3 processes in this. That means you need to involve your thinking, involve your emotions feel what you feel, and act accordingly.  And if any of these three or not aligned then the impact is not felt.

What I mean is if you love your partner and if you want to say that you love your partner then and it is important to think about something that you really love about your partner, feel that love emotionally, perhaps even in your body and then express that in words or in action to your partner. That is when it will be received recognised and acknowledged by your partner.

And remember, if you are doing things differently now, initially it might seem or feel a bit weird or artificial or it might be difficult for your partner to truly receive what you are offering. It takes time, and consistent effort to build things in a relationship.

So with that background lets get started.

1. Make time and effort to appreciate your partner

If you ask why should I appreciate or acknowledge my partner? Our Whole life is a process of seeking getting and offering acknowledgement to others and for ourselves. It allows us to be better do better, and when we don’t, it takes us towards discontent and the slippery slope of taking the other for granted.

So if you tell me what is there to appreciate or that I don’t know what to appreciate or that my partner already knows all these things what is new about it – then you are missing the point.

Let me ask you a question. If I ask you to list down 10 things that you don’t like or 10 complaints about your partner, I am sure you will be lightning fast and come up with them in a jiffy. In that case why is it so difficult to come up with things that you really appreciate about your partner.

Go back in memory lane and think of the good times that you had with each other, think of the time when you chose each other to be partners in life, you did see something in each other and made the choice isn’t it?

You can appreciate your partner for any characteristic or trait that they have like honesty, kindness, genuineness, perseverance, meticulous, and so on.  Or for what they do or what they did in the past or something that they do everyday or any accomplishment small or big. It need not be of huge significance to be acknowledged.

When you don’t truly acknowledge your partner – every single day –  the risk of taking them for granted is very high and that’s usually a very common reason for loss of emotional connection and further relationship damage.  80% of the couples that I see, have atleast one partner saying that they feel unappreciated, taken for granted and they conclude that they are unloved.

Between the two of you identify 15 minutes a day, sit down in private, look at of each other make eye contact and offer atleast 3 heartfelt appreciations to each other and see how you feel after that.

2. Every day ask your partner what you can do for them to make their day better, make their life easier and less stressful

If you tell me that you do care for your partner but your partner can’t see or feel your care then there is no point.  It is important for you to show care in a way that your partner needs and then they are able to see and recognise and acknowledge the same.

Tell your partner that you have 15 minutes or X minutes and you would like to do something in that time to make their life easier or better.  Make that 15 minutes of your time for making your partner’s life better and easy. This could be doing a chore, some work or anything of their choice

Now don’t tell me oh I’m busy. And I don’t have the time.  The real question is, is your relationship worth that 15 minutes that you spend on it?

Spend the 15 minutes doing the agreed activity. Here you are showing that you care for your partner in action.  Don’t crib or complain or inside your head – “oh no” or resent it. And don’t think you are doing a favour to your partner.  You are showing Care, and letting your partner receive care, which can help move towards better emotional connection

3. Be involved and interested in your partner’s work or life or projects

How many times do you really ask about how your partner’s day went? How much do you really show interest and involvement in what your partner does? This is not mean you ask a question and then get lost into your mobile or drift off mentally. This means asking them and keenly listening to their response and responding to that.

Your partner might be a working professional or could be a stay at home partner or running a business or work for another company. How much do you show interest in what your partner is involved in?

If you don’t, it is high time you do that. Any work that your partner does is important and there is dignity of labour and it needs to be respected and acknowledged.

Make it a point to ask them everyday how their day went? Were there any problems, any highlights, any challenges in their day that they faced. It may or may not be necessary for you to solve them or understand their work completely, but to be curious, to listen to and stay interested in your partner’s life and activities.

And do this with genuine interest and involvement and by that you are conveying that what you do, what happens to you really matters to me.

So here we are. If you are able to involve all the three faculties mentally, emotionally and behaviourally this could be a very good starting point for you to reignite that emotional connection with your partner.

If you have unresolved conflicts in your relationship or recurring escalating conflicts happening between the two of you or any significant damage to your relationship then it might be a good idea to seek relationship counselling or therapy. You can also seek couple therapy to improve your relationship even before these challenges arise.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, TA etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

The post How to improve emotional connection in your relationship first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

As a couple therapist / relationship counsellor I often see couples facing challenges with the level of intimacy that they seek with their partner. Many come in to therapy frustrated and disappointed about their relationship with escalating conflicts and finding lesser and lesser ways of real contact and connection with their partner.  In this article, I will try to articulate the different kinds of intimacy in a couple relationship.

When you are in a long term relationship, like marriage or a committed relationship you would expect to experience intimacy between the both of you.  What does intimacy look like?  In couple context I would classify intimacy into three major types. Understanding these could be the first step to understand the challenges that you face in this regard in your relationship.

1. Emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy is the possibility to connect with your partner at a deeper level knowing your partner and allowing them to know you about your thoughts, emotions, fears and to be vulnerable to each other. Are you both willing to respond to sharing and vulnerability in an attuned manner. This involves significant levels of trust understanding between the partners.

This could entail talking about what is important for you, sharing your dreams and aspirations, talking about your past history or even painful experiences, and about your own relationship with each other. You trust that you will not be judged but understood, what you share will be confidential and what you share will not be used against you in any circumstances.

2. Mental / Intellectual intimacy

This involves being able to talk about your opinions, sharing your point of view on different topics, beliefs, values openly without fear of conflict. Even if they are different from each other, you listen to each other with interest and respect. To be able to have a healthy debate or argument. To have stimulating conversations. Showing interest in each others lives and interest areas. To take pleasure in doing activities together. 

Mental intimacy is also to understand each other’s thought processes, idiosyncrasies, differences and celebrating the same. You can be yourself with your partner and be accepted as you are. That is such a liberating feeling to have.

3. Physical intimacy

We can look at two aspects of physical intimacy. One is non-Sexual intimacy and other is Sexual intimacy.

As infants, we were all held and stroked by our mother or mother figure or parental figure. Research has proven that physical touch is extremely important for the infant to have good psychological development. This need for physical touch stays with us throughout our life, albeit appropriateness comes into the picture. So some of this need gets morphed into seeking recognition through words or otherwise. But the need for physical touch remains. Sometimes a simple appropriate touch can convey a great deal of kindness or compassion to the other.

Non sexual touch between a couple could be anything from holding hands, a gentle pat on the back, a shoulder rub, kiss on the forehead, hug, sitting close etc. Touch can be a powerful and effective communication of care, concern, affection and love towards your partner.

Non sexual touch can lead to sexual intimacy based on both partners’ interest and intent. It could be a great way to bond with each other and can enhance the feeling of desirability and boost self-esteem significantly.

Why are some people scared of intimacy?

The need for closeness and intimacy is present in every single person but the extent of the need might be different from person to person.

People who are fearful of intimacy, typically would seek closeness but when they experience closeness or face a demand for closeness from their partner they would push them away or distance themselves – withdraw.

There could be many reasons why a person might be fearful of intimacy. This could be because of their past experiences in relationships, or might be a reflection of their earliest experiences of relating with their parent figures. Overtly though they may seem disdainful of closeness or vulnerability, but deep down they may be scared of being hurt, rejected or disappointed.

Communication is key to building closeness and intimacy.  Honest, open, kind, respectful communication is essential. When you are able to experience true intimacy it can offer you happiness, safety, grounding, security and fulfilment in a relationship.

Read more here about how Active Listening and Empathy can help improve your relationship.

If you are facing difficulty in communicating with your partner or want to build healthy intimacy with your partner and facing challenges, professional help through couple counselling or relationship therapy can offer support and facilitate building a fulfilling relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post Three types of intimacy in a couple relationship first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

It is an irony but also the bitter truth that the people whom we love the most, have the greatest power to hurt us the most. It is also a fact that – to have a real emotional connection one needs to be emotionally vulnerable to the other person. What it also means is that we are exposing our self and taking a risk of being hurt by the other person to whom we are vulnerable with.

Without emotional vulnerability there is no possibility of having a true and genuine deep emotional connection with the other person, especially your partner. It also means we have to be all the more careful about choosing the other person with whom we want to be vulnerable. And if you do not take any risks you are not going to get appropriate returns either.

Emotional vulnerability with your partner, could mean anything from having a healthy dependency, expressing your emotions, having reasonable expectations, expressing your love and affection to the other person sharing your deepest thoughts and fears to the other person, sharing your secrets, planning for the future, be able to be the real you with warts and all.

Some of the reasons why you may avoid or find it difficult to be emotionally vulnerable with our partner:

• When you express your emotions there is a possibility that your partner might invalidate it.
• Your expectations may not be met. Or when some expectations are not met, you don’t want to be disappointed again and again – so you stop having expectations.
• Fear that the expression of your love and affection may not be appreciated.
• When you share your deepest fears and secrets, your partner might use it against you.
• Your partner gets to know the real you and you may fear that they might not like what they see and get to know.
• Your partner might take you for granted and start ignoring your needs and your priorities.
• You stop seeking support from your partner and start seeking support from other people and sources around.

(When some or many of the above reasons happen consistently over a period of time – despite your best efforts to address these relationship challenges, then it is time to seek help with a Professional Relationship counsellor or Marriage therapist.)

You don’t want to give a potent weapon in our partner’s hands Just in case they become your opponent at some point in time. On the other hand when one partner is not willing to be emotionally vulnerable it may seem as being pushed away by the other partner.

But it is also the truth that without a real emotional vulnerability it is practically impossible to find a true connection with your loved one and finding fulfilment in the relationship.

The solution to this deadlock is to understand and acknowledge that both of you can play these roles, and the cycle of  – getting hurt –  distancing oneself  – getting hurt – is a unending cycle that you both get onto unless one of you are both of you consciously decide to break it.

Distancing oneself leads to lack of emotional intimacy and might affect your sexual intimacy too.  The more the couple distances from each other, there is a possibility of other misunderstandings coming into the mix, complicating things in your relationship.

So how do we learn to overcome these challenges, overcome these fears

1. Ask for what you want without being accusatory

Learn to ask for what you want from your partner – be it validation, listening, catering to your expectations etc without being accusatory.

“When I am talking to you, I am sharing something with you.  I would like it if I can get your complete attention and listening.  I would like you to put your mobile on silent and put it away “

Rather than

“You never listen to me.  You are always on your mobile.  And chatting on your mobile is more important than listening to what I am telling you”

2. Though it seems scary and risky – take the risk to be vulnerable

Share about your childhood experiences.  Talk about your learnings in life, Philosophy in life.  Share your future plans and dreams.

Share your friends.  Take time to meet each other’s friends together as a couple and make good connections.  Respect each other’s families, friends and friendships.

Share your emotions, that doesn’t make you weak.  Share your fears and insecurities.  Tell your partner, that it is your trust on them that makes you share to them.

3. Find common interests and common ground

Boredom is an inevitable part of a long term relationship.  When that sets in, actively seek common interests.  If you can’t find common interests, understand your partner’s interest and develop an interest that your partner has.  Engage in these common interests together with enthusiasm.   It may initially seem that you are pushing yourself out of your comfort zone.  But it is outside your comfort zone that you will find growth.

4. Appreciate each other – as a person and their actions

Show your appreciation for your partner openly and genuinely.  I usually give my couple clients this as an everyday activity as part of their couple therapy.  And usually their refrain is that, it seems artificial; I am not very expressive; it doesn’t seem genuine; it doesn’t feel natural; It is uncomfortable etc.

I tell them, when you learnt to drive a bicycle or a two wheeler or a car, initially you didn’t know how to do it.  You need to learn to balance, also see who and what is on the road, learn to identify the road signals, learn to watch out for any sudden movements in other vehicles, keep track of which gear you are on(if its a car), shift up or down and so on.  It didn’t come naturally to you isn’t it?  But over a period of time, it has become a habit and you can drive without conscious effort.

Yes, learning to do something new or to do something better, you need to address your own anxieties and be open to new experiences, be open to be vulnerable.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling.  She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.

The post To be emotionally vulnerable with your partner – the key to intimacy first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.