How to improve emotional connection in your relationship
Do you experience any emotional distance between you and your partner?
Do you feel that you don’t connect with each other anymore the way you used to?
Do you find that your conversations have dried up and has become transactional?
Do you want to rekindle your emotional connection in your relationship?
If the answers to these questions are ‘Yes’, then you are at the right place.
In our Latest video on Inner Dawn Youtube channel I talk about exactly this. Here is the detailed content of the same.
Emotional connection and healthy attachment are the basic glue that creates the bond between people in a relationship. And when this emotional connection fades and declines, you may experience it as boredom, disinterest, conflicts getting escalated, overall a deterioration in the quality of your relationship.
Many couples come in to therapy with a complaint that they are drifting apart from each other and are unable to reconnect. They think they have lost love in the relationship. Well I tell them that it is possible to reconnect and rebuild and read ignite The Spark in the relationship if they are willing to put effort into it. Relationships can make life fulfilling and at the same time can be the biggest challenge that we face.
Before I get into what could you do differently, I think it is important to also highlight how to go about these.
There are three significant aspects/processes to be kept in mind.
1. What you think or believe (Cognitions)
2. How you feel about it emotionally (Emotions)
3. What you do in action (Behaviour)
It is important that you involve all the 3 processes in this. That means you need to involve your thinking, involve your emotions feel what you feel, and act accordingly. And if any of these three or not aligned then the impact is not felt.
What I mean is if you love your partner and if you want to say that you love your partner then and it is important to think about something that you really love about your partner, feel that love emotionally, perhaps even in your body and then express that in words or in action to your partner. That is when it will be received recognised and acknowledged by your partner.
And remember, if you are doing things differently now, initially it might seem or feel a bit weird or artificial or it might be difficult for your partner to truly receive what you are offering. It takes time, and consistent effort to build things in a relationship.
So with that background lets get started.
1. Make time and effort to appreciate your partner
If you ask why should I appreciate or acknowledge my partner? Our Whole life is a process of seeking getting and offering acknowledgement to others and for ourselves. It allows us to be better do better, and when we don’t, it takes us towards discontent and the slippery slope of taking the other for granted.
So if you tell me what is there to appreciate or that I don’t know what to appreciate or that my partner already knows all these things what is new about it – then you are missing the point.
Let me ask you a question. If I ask you to list down 10 things that you don’t like or 10 complaints about your partner, I am sure you will be lightning fast and come up with them in a jiffy. In that case why is it so difficult to come up with things that you really appreciate about your partner.
Go back in memory lane and think of the good times that you had with each other, think of the time when you chose each other to be partners in life, you did see something in each other and made the choice isn’t it?
You can appreciate your partner for any characteristic or trait that they have like honesty, kindness, genuineness, perseverance, meticulous, and so on. Or for what they do or what they did in the past or something that they do everyday or any accomplishment small or big. It need not be of huge significance to be acknowledged.
When you don’t truly acknowledge your partner – every single day – the risk of taking them for granted is very high and that’s usually a very common reason for loss of emotional connection and further relationship damage. 80% of the couples that I see, have atleast one partner saying that they feel unappreciated, taken for granted and they conclude that they are unloved.
Between the two of you identify 15 minutes a day, sit down in private, look at of each other make eye contact and offer atleast 3 heartfelt appreciations to each other and see how you feel after that.
2. Every day ask your partner what you can do for them to make their day better, make their life easier and less stressful
If you tell me that you do care for your partner but your partner can’t see or feel your care then there is no point. It is important for you to show care in a way that your partner needs and then they are able to see and recognise and acknowledge the same.
Tell your partner that you have 15 minutes or X minutes and you would like to do something in that time to make their life easier or better. Make that 15 minutes of your time for making your partner’s life better and easy. This could be doing a chore, some work or anything of their choice
Now don’t tell me oh I’m busy. And I don’t have the time. The real question is, is your relationship worth that 15 minutes that you spend on it?
Spend the 15 minutes doing the agreed activity. Here you are showing that you care for your partner in action. Don’t crib or complain or inside your head – “oh no” or resent it. And don’t think you are doing a favour to your partner. You are showing Care, and letting your partner receive care, which can help move towards better emotional connection
3. Be involved and interested in your partner’s work or life or projects
How many times do you really ask about how your partner’s day went? How much do you really show interest and involvement in what your partner does? This is not mean you ask a question and then get lost into your mobile or drift off mentally. This means asking them and keenly listening to their response and responding to that.
Your partner might be a working professional or could be a stay at home partner or running a business or work for another company. How much do you show interest in what your partner is involved in?
If you don’t, it is high time you do that. Any work that your partner does is important and there is dignity of labour and it needs to be respected and acknowledged.
Make it a point to ask them everyday how their day went? Were there any problems, any highlights, any challenges in their day that they faced. It may or may not be necessary for you to solve them or understand their work completely, but to be curious, to listen to and stay interested in your partner’s life and activities.
And do this with genuine interest and involvement and by that you are conveying that what you do, what happens to you really matters to me.
So here we are. If you are able to involve all the three faculties mentally, emotionally and behaviourally this could be a very good starting point for you to reignite that emotional connection with your partner.
If you have unresolved conflicts in your relationship or recurring escalating conflicts happening between the two of you or any significant damage to your relationship then it might be a good idea to seek relationship counselling or therapy. You can also seek couple therapy to improve your relationship even before these challenges arise.
Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in
About the Author:
Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, TA etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.