To be emotionally vulnerable with your partner – the key to intimacy
It is an irony but also the bitter truth that the people whom we love the most, have the greatest power to hurt us the most. It is also a fact that – to have a real emotional connection one needs to be emotionally vulnerable to the other person. What it also means is that we are exposing our self and taking a risk of being hurt by the other person to whom we are vulnerable with.
Without emotional vulnerability there is no possibility of having a true and genuine deep emotional connection with the other person, especially your partner. It also means we have to be all the more careful about choosing the other person with whom we want to be vulnerable. And if you do not take any risks you are not going to get appropriate returns either.
Emotional vulnerability with your partner, could mean anything from having a healthy dependency, expressing your emotions, having reasonable expectations, expressing your love and affection to the other person sharing your deepest thoughts and fears to the other person, sharing your secrets, planning for the future, be able to be the real you with warts and all.
Some of the reasons why you may avoid or find it difficult to be emotionally vulnerable with our partner:
- When you express your emotions there is a possibility that your partner might invalidate it.
- Your expectations may not be met. Or when some expectations are not met, you don’t want to be disappointed again and again – so you stop having expectations.
- Fear that the expression of your love and affection may not be appreciated.
- When you share your deepest fears and secrets, your partner might use it against you.
- Your partner gets to know the real you and you may fear that they might not like what they see and get to know.
- Your partner might take you for granted and start ignoring your needs and your priorities.
- You stop seeking support from your partner and start seeking support from other people and sources around.
(When some or many of the above reasons happen consistently over a period of time – despite your best efforts to address these relationship challenges, then it is time to seek help with a Professional Relationship counsellor or Marriage therapist.)
You don’t want to give a potent weapon in our partner’s hands Just in case they become your opponent at some point in time. On the other hand when one partner is not willing to be emotionally vulnerable it may seem as being pushed away by the other partner.
But it is also the truth that without a real emotional vulnerability it is practically impossible to find a true connection with your loved one and finding fulfilment in the relationship.
The solution to this deadlock is to understand and acknowledge that both of you can play these roles, and the cycle of – getting hurt – distancing oneself – getting hurt – is a unending cycle that you both get onto unless one of you are both of you consciously decide to break it.
Distancing oneself leads to lack of emotional intimacy and might affect your sexual intimacy too. The more the couple distances from each other, there is a possibility of other misunderstandings coming into the mix, complicating things in your relationship.
So how do we learn to overcome these challenges, overcome these fears
- Ask for what you want without being accusatory
Learn to ask for what you want from your partner – be it validation, listening, catering to your expectations etc without being accusatory.
“When I am talking to you, I am sharing something with you. I would like it if I can get your complete attention and listening. I would like you to put your mobile on silent and put it away “
Rather than
“You never listen to me. You are always on your mobile. And chatting on your mobile is more important than listening to what I am telling you”
- Though it seems scary and risky – take the risk to be vulnerable
Share about your childhood experiences. Talk about your learnings in life, Philosophy in life. Share your future plans and dreams.
Share your friends. Take time to meet each other’s friends together as a couple and make good connections. Respect each other’s families, friends and friendships.
Share your emotions, that doesn’t make you weak. Share your fears and insecurities. Tell your partner, that it is your trust on them that makes you share to them.
- Find common interests and common ground
Boredom is an inevitable part of a long term relationship. When that sets in, actively seek common interests. If you can’t find common interests, understand your partner’s interest and develop an interest that your partner has. Engage in these common interests together with enthusiasm. It may initially seem that you are pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. But it is outside your comfort zone that you will find growth.
- Appreciate each other – as a person and their actions
Show your appreciation for your partner openly and genuinely. I usually give my couple clients this as an everyday activity as part of their couple therapy. And usually their refrain is that, it seems artificial; I am not very expressive; it doesn’t seem genuine; it doesn’t feel natural; It is uncomfortable etc.
I tell them, when you learnt to drive a bicycle or a two wheeler or a car, initially you didn’t know how to do it. You need to learn to balance, also see who and what is on the road, learn to identify the road signals, learn to watch out for any sudden movements in other vehicles, keep track of which gear you are on(if its a car), shift up or down and so on. It didn’t come naturally to you isn’t it? But over a period of time, it has become a habit and you can drive without conscious effort.
Yes, learning to do something new or to do something better, you need to address your own anxieties and be open to new experiences, be open to be vulnerable.
About the Author:
Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.