In today’s fast-changing social landscape, young adults are putting mental health at the heart of their relationships. This shift is especially visible among Bengaluru’s Gen-Z and young millennials, a cohort reshaping how we think about connection, commitment and emotional health. According to relationship experts, this isn’t just a trend; it’s a fundamental change in priorities and relational values.

Inner Dawn Counsellor Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured in Deccan Herald on 19-Nov-25.

Gen-Z and Emotional Literacy: Red Flags, Boundaries, and Compatibility

Five years ago, terms like toxic, gaslighting or attachment styles were mainly clinical jargon. Today, they’re part of everyday conversations among young partners and daters. This heightened emotional vocabulary reflects a generation that:

• Recognises red flags early
• Prioritises healthy boundaries
• Values self-awareness and mutual respect

Instead of suppressing discomfort, Gen-Z engages in conscious relationship building, treating emotional intelligence as a core aspect of compatibility.

Why Mental Health Now Trumps Old Relationship Norms

 Several surveys indicate that a majority of young adults in India are comfortable discussing mental health with partners and see emotional support as a key component of a strong relationship. The Gen-z views that Openness about feelings is now seen as a relationship asset, not a vulnerability. Setting emotional boundaries is seen as a form of self-care and mutual respect.

These trends suggest that today’s young adults are not afraid to pause, reflect, and recalibrate rather than rush into connections that don’t align with their well-being goals.

What This Means for Relationship Culture

Gone are the days when silence about emotional needs was considered strength. Today’s young people are willing to initiate conversations about mental health early in relationships and evaluate if the relationship is enhancing their mental health or depleting it.

For relationship professionals, therapists, and anyone involved in couples counselling, these shifts signal a broader cultural moment, one where mental wellness is inseparable from romantic bonding.

Mental health, Emotional Awareness, Emotional literacy, capacity for Empathy are emerging as relationship parameters

Mental health isn’t just a sidebar in Gen-Z relationships; it’s often the central narrative that shapes how young adults choose, sustain, or exit partnerships. As emotional awareness becomes the new green flag in dating culture, we’re witnessing a healthier, more intentional form of connection that values well-being as much as affection.

The post Mental Health Comes First for Gen-Z in Relationships first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

What is healthy or unhealthy anger? When do you experience anger? When you get angry, is it easy for you to express it? Or do you suppress it?

Some typical scenarios where anger is experienced would be when something or someone offends us, when we face or experience injustice in some form, when our appropriate needs are not met, frustration from not being able to fix the issue at hand, feeling powerless in a situation where we have limited or no control and so on. Anger could be about the here and now or from the past.

Anger in the here and now, commensurate to the situation

When our anger is at an appropriate level, commensurate to the situation at hand, in the here and now, it allows us to take effective, affirmative action to address the situation. This would be healthy for us and others. If the given situation is not in our control then we can learn to use that anger in safe ways that is productive in a different direction perhaps.

Intense anger expressed in an unbridled manner

What if the intensity of anger is excessive and expressed in an unbridled manner? What if our anger ends up hurting others, breaching physical, emotional,  or even legal boundaries that keep us safe and civil?  This unhealthy expression of anger can damage the basic social fabric of a civilized society.

What if the anger was suppressed for a long time and one day it erupts aggressively like a volcano, damaging everything on its path?  Close relationships can get damaged or strangers can be impacted, like road rage and aggression towards others. Or suppressed anger can seep out in a passive aggressive manner. The outcome can be as damaging as overt aggression.

Anger to coverup other emotions

Anger can also cover up other emotions that we don’t know how to express or process in a healthy manner like sadness, hurt, shame, fear, and so on. This would be an unconscious process. Then the real issue at hand will not get addressed. Healthy or unhealthy anger would depend on whether we are able to manage our emotions at an appropriate level to take effective affirmative action. The key is to know, whether my anger and expression is helping/hurting, me and others.

Inner Dawn counsellor Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured in Deccan Herald – 30-Aug-2024.

The post Healthy or Unhealthy Anger – How to know the difference? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Last week I was having a conversation with this friend of mine and somehow the it did not go well. Something unpleasant was said and I felt cornered. Instead of addressing the issue, I felt emotions like intense fear, shame and couldn’t say anything at that time and I withdrew from the conversation.

Do you think fear was the appropriate emotion in that circumstance? Do you think that anger would have been more appropriate? Would that have allowed me to take an affirmative action to address the issue at hand? Do you think I was able to manage and regulate my emotions appropriately? And if I had would the conversation have turned out differently?

Yes I couldn’t regulate my emotions at that moment.

Our emotions are important and they are key to our survival. They help us to take appropriate actions. Having said that, when we experience one emotion in place of another appropriate emotion, or when we experience an emotion where the intensity is disproportionate to the situation at hand then it means it is not helping us.

At the same time feeling intense emotions and hiding or supressing them is also not helpful. It is like a pressure cooker with no safety valve.  You see this in the level of stress that people experience today, number stress related ailments that are prevalent.

So in this video I talk about emotions. And how they are important for us. Why managing them is crucial for us?  Shall we?

Well we all have been children at some point in time. And we learned to manage our emotions based upon our own childhood experiences.

What did we observe as a child in terms of how our parents or other care givers behaved? Or what kind of parenting did we experience? And what was the overall emotional climate that existed in our family. What emotions were allowed what were not allowed what was expressed very intensely etc.

We may also be holding on too many misconceptions about emotions. It is very common for people to believe that feeling emotions or expressing emotions is undesirable as it seen as a weakness.

Our emotions act as a significant sign post for us to take appropriate actions to deal with challenges, overcome barriers, take care of our own self and others, to build relationships etc.

As I spoke about my example before, if an emotion is not relevant to the situation or the emotional intensity is not commensurate with the situation, then it can keep us stuck or hurt us or the people around us.

This is where we need to learn to understand our emotions, access appropriate emotions, to regulate our emotions to bring it to a appropriate level then to be able to act upon it effectively.

Does it mean that you will not have any problems in life or that you won’t get affected by the problems?  Lets us look at that.

You can Look at progress or growth in three different dimensions

For example of if you have the tendency to lose your temper with your colleague or your partner. And when you learn to regulate your emotions better you will see changes in

1. Frequency – How frequently do you get impacted by this particular issue at hand. Earlier if you used to get angry say 10 times in a given time period, now has it reduced to 8 times of 7 times.

2. Intensity – You may see a reduction in the intensity of the emotions that you are experiencing. Say in a Scale of 0-100 if you were getting angry at 80/90 the intensity might come down to 70 or 60 or so.

3. Recovery – or how long it takes for you to bounce back. Earlier if you needed about 4 hours to recover from anger now you may be able to bounce back in lesser time.

When we are able to accept and embrace our emotions, we are able to access appropriate emotions rather than pushing them away or covering it up with another.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post Importance of emotions and regulation first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Emotional intimacy is a significant requirement for a relationship to flourish. As a couple therapist, one of the common issues that couples come into therapy with is finding their emotional connection low or lost or deteriorated. In couple therapy, the couple find different ways to meaningfully connect with each other understand their own emotions and their partner’s emotions. Relationship therapy also facilitates them to use this understanding to empathize with each other bringing them closer.

1. Offer genuine appreciation to your partner

On any given day, there will always be something that your partner just for you which could be an everyday thing. It is important to not take these for granted, and offer an appreciation or acknowledgement to your partner. You could also appreciate them regarding things that they have done in the past, any specific characteristic or treat that you like about them, regarding their accomplishments, personality etc. Applying some innovative thought would help you arrive at new and novel ways to appreciate your partner. Its is key that you mean what you offer as appreciation to your partner.

2. Express your emotions to each other and be vulnerable.

You can express your emotions and ask for your partner’s listening and validation. This allows you to be vulnerable and open with your partner. It is important to build up the capacity to hold each other emotionally and talk about more difficult areas of concern.  This not just saying ‘I Love you’ to each other, but also sharing your concerns, fears and dreams with each other. Its easy to show anger, but can you also show your tender emotions with each other?

3. Stay interested and ask about your partners day or project

Develop interest and show it to your partner that what happens in their life or their work is important and interesting for you. And if they express any difficulty ask them what kind of support they need (which is feasible), that would make them feel better. Do not by any chance minimize the value of their contribution or interest.

4. Share your experiences with each other

That could be so many things that you may not know about each other. You could share about your childhood, or your earlier work experiences, your college life or other experiences with your friends and so on. Sharing what you like what you prefer and why you prefer the same etc, allows your partner to have a very close and personal view into your life, allowing them to feel special and close to you.

5. Allocating time to spend with each other to have these conversations.

In today’s hectic world it is important to schedule time to spend with each other if needed block it on your calendars. Talk about how you want to spend this time with each other and what you want to share.

6. Find something exciting to do together

Spending time together also could be doing an activity which both of you find fun and exciting. This could be a new game to play or a physical activity like jogging, gym, a trek, camping, travel, yoga, a hobby like gardening, bird watching etc. When both of you are doing an activity together it is important to not get competitive with each other to a point of losing interest or building resentments.

7. Talk about your relationship – regularly

It is important for couples to spend some time regularly talking about your relationship and to take stock of what is working for you and what is not. It is important that this is done with a non-blaming stance and in a constructive manner. This becomes a very potent way to find areas to improve your relationship and to acknowledge each other.

Note: When your partner is sharing something with you, please keep your digital devices away and offer full attention and listening.  

If you are seeking to find emotional connection with your partner or to enhance the same, couple therapy is a possible option to consider. Many a times past hurts and misunderstandings also can cause emotional intimacy to deteriorate. These past events, though cant be changed, the emotional impact of them still resides with you and can be resolved with adequate attuned empathy from each other, in a warm and safe setting, facilitated by the couple therapist.

Read more here about how conversations help build emotional intimacy

Read more about how vulnerability is key to emotional intimacy

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post 7 ways to build emotional intimacy in your relationship first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

As a couple therapist / relationship counsellor I often see couples facing challenges with the level of intimacy that they seek with their partner. Many come in to therapy frustrated and disappointed about their relationship with escalating conflicts and finding lesser and lesser ways of real contact and connection with their partner.  In this article, I will try to articulate the different kinds of intimacy in a couple relationship.

When you are in a long term relationship, like marriage or a committed relationship you would expect to experience intimacy between the both of you.  What does intimacy look like?  In couple context I would classify intimacy into three major types. Understanding these could be the first step to understand the challenges that you face in this regard in your relationship.

1. Emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy is the possibility to connect with your partner at a deeper level knowing your partner and allowing them to know you about your thoughts, emotions, fears and to be vulnerable to each other. Are you both willing to respond to sharing and vulnerability in an attuned manner. This involves significant levels of trust understanding between the partners.

This could entail talking about what is important for you, sharing your dreams and aspirations, talking about your past history or even painful experiences, and about your own relationship with each other. You trust that you will not be judged but understood, what you share will be confidential and what you share will not be used against you in any circumstances.

2. Mental / Intellectual intimacy

This involves being able to talk about your opinions, sharing your point of view on different topics, beliefs, values openly without fear of conflict. Even if they are different from each other, you listen to each other with interest and respect. To be able to have a healthy debate or argument. To have stimulating conversations. Showing interest in each others lives and interest areas. To take pleasure in doing activities together. 

Mental intimacy is also to understand each other’s thought processes, idiosyncrasies, differences and celebrating the same. You can be yourself with your partner and be accepted as you are. That is such a liberating feeling to have.

3. Physical intimacy

We can look at two aspects of physical intimacy. One is non-Sexual intimacy and other is Sexual intimacy.

As infants, we were all held and stroked by our mother or mother figure or parental figure. Research has proven that physical touch is extremely important for the infant to have good psychological development. This need for physical touch stays with us throughout our life, albeit appropriateness comes into the picture. So some of this need gets morphed into seeking recognition through words or otherwise. But the need for physical touch remains. Sometimes a simple appropriate touch can convey a great deal of kindness or compassion to the other.

Non sexual touch between a couple could be anything from holding hands, a gentle pat on the back, a shoulder rub, kiss on the forehead, hug, sitting close etc. Touch can be a powerful and effective communication of care, concern, affection and love towards your partner.

Non sexual touch can lead to sexual intimacy based on both partners’ interest and intent. It could be a great way to bond with each other and can enhance the feeling of desirability and boost self-esteem significantly.

Why are some people scared of intimacy?

The need for closeness and intimacy is present in every single person but the extent of the need might be different from person to person.

People who are fearful of intimacy, typically would seek closeness but when they experience closeness or face a demand for closeness from their partner they would push them away or distance themselves – withdraw.

There could be many reasons why a person might be fearful of intimacy. This could be because of their past experiences in relationships, or might be a reflection of their earliest experiences of relating with their parent figures. Overtly though they may seem disdainful of closeness or vulnerability, but deep down they may be scared of being hurt, rejected or disappointed.

Communication is key to building closeness and intimacy.  Honest, open, kind, respectful communication is essential. When you are able to experience true intimacy it can offer you happiness, safety, grounding, security and fulfilment in a relationship.

Read more here about how Active Listening and Empathy can help improve your relationship.

If you are facing difficulty in communicating with your partner or want to build healthy intimacy with your partner and facing challenges, professional help through couple counselling or relationship therapy can offer support and facilitate building a fulfilling relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post Three types of intimacy in a couple relationship first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Emotions can be strong indicators that something significant happening. Emotions can be motivators to taking appropriate action. All emotions have value to us.  Having said that, not all emotions in all situations help us solve our problems. Also, when emotions are allowed to run rampant it can also result in actions that might be inappropriate and harmful, like crimes of passion or violent riots etc.

As a counsellor/psychotherapist It doesn’t surprise me anymore, when clients experience intense emotions in therapy or outside therapy, they perceive it as a weakness in themselves or something that needs to be hidden or suppressed.

Psychotherapy and Emotions

One of the key aspects of psychotherapy is enabling clients to be aware of their emotions, acknowledge, experience and build a heathy relationship with their emotions and to be able to exercise their choice and agency.

Rakesh and Shilpa (fictional clients) were married for two years. Since the pandemic they had planned for couple of vacations and had to cancel them for pandemic reasons. They were both unhappy about it. Rakesh was also annoyed that Shilpa didn’t get along with his parents as much as he did with her parents. As the lockdown ended one particular week they had plans to go out for dinner.  And for three times in a row Rakesh ended up coming late from work and they had to cancel their plans.  Shilpa got so furious and they had a big argument. She shouted at him and said unpleasant, hurtful things. Rakesh tried to defend himself but gave up after some time feeling ashamed and sad.  She proclaimed that he didn’t care for her anymore and left the house to stay with her friends. Rakesh became even more sad, sulked and vowed to not reach out to her. Their respective friends and families took their corresponding sides and now they are at a lawyer’s talking about divorce.

Both of them couldn’t understand or regulate their emotions and resolve their issues and instead have placed their relationship in jeopardy.

How could they have managed their situation better?  How could they have managed their emotions better?  Did their emotions help them in solving their problems?

1. Understanding the intensity of emotions

When you listen to our emotions you can also listen to the intensity of the emotions. It enables you to ask a question whether the intensity of the emotion is commensurate to the event/incident in the here and now or is it inappropriate.  If it is of inappropriate intensity, then perhaps this might be coming from your past history be it in the recent past or may be perhaps from your childhood. This is a good indicator to determine what course of action do you need to take in the present and what not to.

Do you think Rakesh and Shilpa were reacting to the here and now or on some piled up frustrations from the past?

2. Understanding your go-to/familiar emotions

Is this the emotion that is appropriate to the here and now or is this the most familiar go-to emotion whenever you are in problem situations? Typically, this would be the emotion that was allowed or encouraged in your childhood and got you the results that you wanted.

For Shilpa anger was her go-to emotion which got her what she wanted in her childhood and for Rakesh it was sadness. Her excessive anger as well as his growing sadness weren’t appropriate responses to the here and now.

Do you think their emotional responses let them towards solving their problem?

3. Uncovering and understanding – Underlying emotions – Layers of emotions

On the same given situation two different people can respond with two different emotions.  For example, when people witness or come across an accident, one person might feel compassion, another might experience fear and another person might experience anger. Also, there could be more emotions underneath your first level emotions.

Underneath Rakesh’s sadness he was angry.  And since he couldn’t get in touch with his anger, he couldn’t handle the conflict effectively. For Shilpa underneath her anger was a fear of not being important. And without being in touch with that fear, without awareness she would rather walk away from the relationship rather than face the risk of not being important.

If both of them were in touch with their emotions underneath (primary emotions that are appropriate to the situation) – Rakesh his anger and Shilpa her fear and expressed it to each other could they have truly understood each other and resolved their issue?

4. Recognize your bodily sensations

For many clients who are still learning to understand their emotions, I invite them to be in touch with their bodily sensations which are perhaps more easily accessible.

The body experiences physiological responses like changes in heart rate, tension in muscles, choking feeling in throat, queasy feeling in the stomach, trembling, feeling hot, sweating, coldness, numbness and so on. Each person will have a set of bodily sensations associated to a given emotional response. When you can identify this you can take simple steps relax your body to calm yourself down or energize yourself as appropriately.

Shilpa could feel her face go hot, when she got angry. She could’ve had a glass of water or taken a break to wash her face and come back in a calmer way to resume the conversation. Rakesh felt a choking feeling in the throat when sadness came over him, he could have taken a deep breath, soothed himself and may be moved around to energize himself into the conversation.

Despite calming down if the conflict still keeps escalating, they both could have taken a time-out, taken a break for a fixed agreed period of time, to be in a reasonable mind-space, to be able to talk out their issues towards resolution.

5. Evaluate and choose your options

When you are at an agitated state of emotions, your listening capability reduces, you discount possibilities and options towards problem solving.  When you are aware of your underlying emotions and when you are able to express to each other, in a healthy manner, you are also able to empathise with the other person. This makes it possible to arrive at options that can lead towards problem solving.

Do you think Shilpa and Rakesh had choices and options for solving their problems?

Though the case given here is of interpersonal nature, a couple, these ways of working with emotions are equally powerful to work with individually, on your own emotions in any kind of challenging situation.

Emotions can be excellent signal bearers to our lives. They make life worth living when we are able to harness their power, understand the different levels and layers of emotions, express and empathise with self and others. And when we do emotions can make our life colourful, vibrant and fulfilling.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in.

The post 5 powerful ways of working with emotions first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

What is this inner critical voice? Where does this inner critical voice come from?  How do they get so powerful? 

The inner critical voice is a set of negative thoughts and attitudes and associated emotions, towards one’s own self as well as others. Though we use the term voice it is not a real voice but an internal dialogue that happens within.

When you are in a difficult situation, or trouble or made a mistake etc, observe what you tell yourself. The situation could be as simple as spilling of coffee or tea on your new dress, or sending a wrong email to your boss or client, or a conflict / fight with your loved one. You might tell yourself “I am useless”, “how stupid can I be”, “I can’t do anything right”, “see I knew it, I can’t trust anyone”, “no one Loves me “, “I am not worthy or good enough” etc which you know is not really true but you still believe it.  

What is the impact of this critical inner voice?

The impact on you is significant. It impacts your confidence negatively, lowers your self-esteem and may give you an impression that the situation is grave and catastrophic. This can have a significant negative impact on your emotional state and your mood. These can become barriers for you to achieve your potential and in extreme cases can lead to depression, anxiety, self-harm and even suicidal thoughts and attempts.

The intensity and impact of the inner critical voice could vary from mild – simple disapproval like “Why didn’t I do it right” to moderate – strong negative judgement – “I am useless, I can’t ever do anything right”, to severe – could lead to self-harm / suicidal thoughts – “I am a burden to everyone around. I might as well die”.  

Where do we get the inner critical voice from?

It is possible that each of us would have had mixed bag of experiences as part of our childhood. As a child we looked around ourselves and tried to make sense / meaning of what was happening around us as well as what was happening to us.

The child has limited resources in terms of cognitive skills to have a clear understanding of what is happening around. Some early life experiences could have been difficult or experienced as difficult given the limited resources that the child has. These early experiences are internalized and form a part of how we see ourselves.

How does the inner critical voice manifest?

Sharon’s father was an alcoholic and would abuse Sharon’s mother and blame Sharon for his problems.  When she was 7 her parents separated and she stayed with her mother. Though her mother was loving towards her, there were financial difficulties that they faced. Sharon internalized these experiences, believing that “I am a burden to everyone”.  In adult life when she had any conflicts with her partner, her internal critical voice would come up saying “I am a burden”.

Roopa had a childhood where all her needs were taken care of.  Her mother had the reputation of being the best/ideal mother, perfect wife, perfect daughter in law in her family. Though there was no explicit pressure on Roopa to excel, she took in her mother’s attitude of “being perfect” and internalized it.  When she couldn’t stand first in her school in her board examinations, she couldn’t handle it and became depressed. Her internal critical voice was “Unless I am perfect, I am no good”.

Raj had two elder brothers who were very accomplished both in academics and in sports. Though Raj was also encouraged to study and take part in sports he was an average student. His brothers would taunt him though in a seemingly friendly manner. Raj felt inadequate and internalized a belief that “I am not good enough”. In adulthood, though Raj had a Master’s degree and is a senior executive in a top firm, whenever he had a challenging situation, he would struggle with the inner critical voice which would taunt him saying “You are not good enough”.

These are some examples of where the internal critical voice could originate from. It could be what the child was told repeatedly by parents or parental figures, or what the child saw in parents or other significant role models as attitudes or beliefs, or what the child made sense of in a difficult childhood situation, given that the child has only limited cognitive resources.

The greater the impact on the child, the greater the power the inner critical voice gains. As we grow up

Is it possible to fight against the inner critical voice?

Having said that, all is not lost. It is possible to keep the inner critical voice in check and not allow it to take control of us. It is important to be aware that what the inner critical voice says may not be the absolute truth. It is possible to understand the level of exaggeration that it entails and to challenge the inner critical voice.

Here are four simple steps to follow to challenge your inner critical voice and take away its power over you. Inner Critical Voice: 4 simple steps to counteract it.

Psychotherapy can help uncover the origins of your inner critical voice and to heal these primal wounds so that you can take charge of your life and live up to your potential.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling in Bangalore and Online Counselling over video calls for others residing outside Bangalore and abroad.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls.

References:

https://www.erickson-foundation.org/the-critical-inner-voice/
https://www.psychalive.org/critical-inner-voice/

The post What is inner critical voice? Why is it so powerful? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

New Year 2021 is here. And my wishes for a New Year that is happy, fulfilling and healthy for all of us. Having said that, being realistic there will be challenges this New Year as well.  What if I tell you that there is one simple change that you can do in your life, that will ensure your happiness in this New Year. One sure shot way of keeping yourself happy. No I am not talking about magic but something based on science and psychology.

We hold on to what is called a negative bias in our thought process and in the way we process and recollect our emotions. Research has shown that we process negative events and negative emotions in a different and more detailed manner than how we process positive experiences.  This makes it more twice more likely for us to access our negative experiences and emotions and more easily than positive ones.

Research says the impact of a negative experience is twice as that of a positive experience and it takes longer for us to recover from a negative experience. And when we recollect the negative experience, we do get impacted again in the process. And since we tend to recollect negative experiences more easily than positive experiences we end up, feeling more negative emotions.

Researchers say that there could be an evolutionary aspect to this. When we were hunters and gatherers in the forest, a negative experience or threat, like facing a predator needed to be given more priority in our mental processing than a neutral or a positive stimulus like sighting a fruit tree or a beautiful sunset. So processing a negative event and remembering it would have had a direct influence on the survival probabilities of the individual.

Sonal (name changed for confidentiality) complains, when she didn’t get her promotion this year.  “I have no luck, and it’s always been like this.  I always have to put in twice the effort and struggle to get anything that I want, even if I deserve it. Why is life so difficult?” (When angry and frustrated, she may not recollect that she has a job that she enjoys, has a wonderful family and every one in her family recovered from COVID with not much of a difficulty)

When I work with couples I see this in almost every conflict that the couple bring into therapy.  This has a direct impact on the relationship quality and satisfaction.

Here is an anonymised snippet

Susan (name changed for confidentiality) – “How come you are never available to talk to me when am in trouble and I really need you”.  (When disappointed, she may not able to recollect the times when he did talk to her about her challenges)

John (name changed for confidentiality) – “You never appreciate all the support that I give you. You want to do is to criticize.  And all the good things that I do for you are forgotten. You only look at your problems. For once can you look at the constraints that I have to work with?”  (When faced with criticism, he may not able to recollect the times when she did appreciate him)

What do we do about our negative bias? What can we do about it? Should we eliminate it?  Not really.  

Being aware of our own tendency to retain and recollect negative experience itself is a good starting point.  Here are a few steps to keep the negative bias from ruining our happiness.

1. Creating happy positive experiences for ourselves.

Scheduling time everyday for some self care, doing some activities that we love and enjoy, practicing mindfulness, travel, being in nature, planning to meet with good friends and family, planning a vacation etc, all of this can create positive experiences. Do what is feasible at the moment to create positive experiences for yourself.

2.  Account for happy positive experiences.

Many times we don’t have to create positive experiences but actually may need to learn to recognize positive experiences that are happening to us and around us.  For example – when someone gives us a compliment, we might not give adequate weightage to it or ignore it turn it around to say they didn’t mean it. We can receive, acknowledge and account for it. 

3. Record the positive experiences. 

Writing a gratitude journal or a journal of positive experiences would help us reach and access these positive experiences especially when we are finding it difficult to. Pictures, inspiring quotes, compliments, fun, insight it can be anything that you can place into this store well of positive and happy experiences. Make it a point to give appreciation to others too along with constructive criticisms.

4. Taking things personally?  Gain perspective.

When there is a negative comment or criticism, to ask ourselves if we are taking it personally and to get perspective on the issue.  Talking or sharing with a friend, or whether this matters in the larger scheme of things could help.  If you find yourself wallowing in that negativity, it is good to engage in a different activity for a while to gain some perspective and come back to address the issue.

5. Feel the emotions fully and move on truly.

When a negative experience occurs, it is good to acknowledge and learn from it. It is OK to feel your feelings. You don’t have to run away from them. When we allow ourselves to feel the emotions completely and then move on, we decrease the impact of that experience but keep the learning. Then when we access and recognize our positive experiences our overall happiness and satisfaction levels are higher and sustained.

Life is full of good bad and neutral experiences. Our negative bias, can keep us on our toes, push us towards being better, enable us to learn from difficult experiences and keep us safe.  At the same time if we’re allow it to excessively impact us it is going to rob us of our happiness.

If you are unable to get out of the negativity loop that you get stuck into, talk to one of our counsellors. Counselling or therapy could facilitate you to get unstuck and deal or cope with your challenges to experience life in a more adaptive manner. Happiness is possible. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in.

In this New Year, stay safe, stay aware and stay happy.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential – face to face Counselling in Bangalore including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling in Bangalore and Online Counselling over video calls for others residing outside Bangalore and abroad.

The post One sure shot way of keeping yourself happy this New Year first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Therapy is a purposeful process that is geared towards the growth of the client.  Therapeutic Relationship is a warm, caring and trust based bond between the client and therapist is critical. How do you feel about therapy, and your therapist are some of the key the components of the therapeutic process.

Many a times you might talk about your feelings in the therapy process about things that happens in your own life and circumstances. The Therapist would actively listen to you with empathy and ask appropriate questions or provide relevant information or invite a reflection as needed.

There might also be times when you as the client might have felt angry or upset with your therapist. This could be about what therapist said / did or didn’t say or didn’t do.  Sometimes you might experience such feelings without any apparent reasons as well. There also might be times when you may have felt frustrated with the way the therapy process is proceeding.  What do you do with these feelings? 

It is important that you talk to your therapist about these feelings that might arise now and then about the therapist or the process itself as part of the therapy process.

I usually contract with my clients that even if they feel any unpleasant or uncomfortable feelings, towards me or the process, they would come back and talk to me, share with me, and to process those feelings in the therapy session.

It is common and normal that some of the issues that you experience in your life can, at some point of time, manifest in the therapy setting with your therapist.  When you are able to talk about it with your therapist, you might get a new understanding of where it is coming from, make new meaning out of it and it is also possible to have a new experience in the therapeutic relationship which could lead to healing or growth.

Meghana (Client name changed for confidentiality) came into therapy with a complaint that she is not able to maintain good relationships both in her work space and personal life. She believed that she is taken for granted by everyone around her and at some point of time when she is unable to take it anymore she completely breaks away by quitting.

After a period of time in therapy, though she was making progress in certain areas, she also complained of having difficulty sleeping, and there were no other apparent reasons for this discomfort.  When I explored our relationship in a session, and encouraged her to talk about how she felt about me the therapist and the process, she expressed her anger towards me, regarding certain statements that I had made, which she had kept bottled up within her. 

I listened to her completely, acknowledged her emotions, and we processed this new experience of expressing even difficult emotions in a relationship.  Her pattern of keeping her emotions bottled up till the day it bursts open was interrupted in this relationship, giving her a new experience of expressing her anger and frustration and still being accepted and acknowledged.

On exploring further we found that she would bottle up her emotions and anger towards mother during her childhood over a period of time and would burst out at some point of time in tears or in a tantrum for which she was reprimanded which made her bottle up even more.  It is this childhood experience which was manifesting in different contexts in her life and in her relationship with the therapist as well. The new experience gave her the confidence and awareness of a choice that she does have an option of expressing herself in better and healthier ways and that her relationships would survive.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential – face to face Counselling in Bangalore including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling in Bangalore and Online Counselling over video calls for others residing outside Bangalore and abroad.

Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in.

The post How do you feel about therapy and your therapist? Do you discuss that with your therapist? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.