In today’s fast-changing relationship landscape, love alone no longer feels like enough. Across Indian cities, a quiet yet powerful shift is unfolding, more individuals and couples are seeking guidance from professionals, choosing premarital counselling before marital commitment, and as a deliberate step toward healthier, stronger relationships.  And the reasons are both cultural and psychological.

Inner Dawn counsellor Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured in Deccan Herald on 21 January 2026.

https://www.deccanherald.com/lifestyle/spike-in-premarital-counselling-3869069

According to a recent Deccan Herald article, therapists in Bengaluru are witnessing a steady increase in demand for premarital counselling from couples, live-in partners, and individuals preparing for first or second marriages who are seeking relationship guidance, either before tying the knot or to resolve issues in their relationships.

Why Is Premarital Counselling Gaining Popularity?

More people are realising that marriage is not just a romantic decision, but a psychological, emotional and practical partnership.  But this involves other important conversations and agreements on different topics like money, boundaries, future plans, having children, family involvement, etc. Clients seek the support of the counsellor to facilitate these conversations.

Some key reasons behind this rise include:

• Growing awareness about mental health
• Reduced stigma around therapy
• Increased divorce rates prompting prevention over repair
• Diminishing support from family and friends
• Second marriages bring emotional, financial, and family complexities
• Couples wanting deeper compatibility before commitment

Premarital counselling is no longer seen just as a “problem-solving” tool, but also as a way to strengthen relationships and prepare for the relationship responsibilities.

Who can benefit from this process?

Most folks who seek premarital counselling are between 25 and 35 years, though a growing number of individuals in their 40s and beyond are also reaching out, especially those entering second marriages.

This includes:

• Couples who are in a relationship and considering a live-in or marriage
• Live-in partners who may or may not be planning for marriage
• Engaged couples in a love marriage or arranged marriage setting
• Individuals who are considering marriage but are feeling unsure or unclear about it
• Individuals and couples preparing to remarry  

For many, this is about not repeating old patterns and building something healthier this time around.

What Happens in Premarital Counselling?

It is important to get into a marital relationship with expectations that are reasonable and an understanding of what the marital relationship means to both partners.  Lack of knowledge about what marriage entails, the responsibilities that need to be managed, may result in disillusionment and failure of the marital relationship itself. Premarital counselling provides a safe space to explore:

• Communication styles and emotional needs
• Conflict patterns and repair strategies
• Financial beliefs and lifestyle expectations
• Family roles, day-to-day sharing of responsibilities
• Intimacy, trust, and long-term goals
• Conversations around difficult topics like money, boundaries, etc.

Rather than avoiding difficult conversations, couples learn how to have them safely before stress and misunderstandings take root.

How can it help Especially for Second Marriages

Second marriages often carry unspoken fears, past wounds, blended family concerns, and financial complexities. Especially when there are children, co-parenting, visitations involved, etc., there will be a need for continued contact with the ex-spouse/ex-partner, which can create insecurities in the new relationship. Premarital Counselling helps individuals heal unresolved emotional baggage, build trust at a realistic pace, clarify expectations and boundaries, and prevent repeating old relationship scripts.  Instead of “hoping this time will be different,” premarital counselling helps make it intentionally different.

Is Premarital Counselling Right for You?

Marriage is no longer just about tradition or timing. It is about emotional readiness, shared values, and conscious choice. Premarital counselling offers couples a way to step into commitment with clarity rather than confusion. The rise in premarital counselling is not a sign that relationships are weaker; it is proof that people are choosing to be wiser.

• You may benefit from pre-marital counselling if you
• Want deeper emotional understanding of yourself and your partner
• Struggle to communicate during conflict
• Feel unsure about long-term compatibility
• Are entering a second marriage
• Unsure of commitment/marriage/relationship expectations

Think of premarital counselling as a relationship fitness plan. If you are planning to marry, whether for the first or second time, consider premarital counselling as a meaningful first step.

Because love is the beginning. Understanding and growing together is what sustains it.

The post Premarital Counselling, need of the hour in India first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

In today’s fast-changing social landscape, young adults are putting mental health at the heart of their relationships. This shift is especially visible among Bengaluru’s Gen-Z and young millennials, a cohort reshaping how we think about connection, commitment and emotional health. According to relationship experts, this isn’t just a trend; it’s a fundamental change in priorities and relational values.

Inner Dawn Counsellor Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured in Deccan Herald on 19-Nov-25.

Gen-Z and Emotional Literacy: Red Flags, Boundaries, and Compatibility

Five years ago, terms like toxic, gaslighting or attachment styles were mainly clinical jargon. Today, they’re part of everyday conversations among young partners and daters. This heightened emotional vocabulary reflects a generation that:

• Recognises red flags early
• Prioritises healthy boundaries
• Values self-awareness and mutual respect

Instead of suppressing discomfort, Gen-Z engages in conscious relationship building, treating emotional intelligence as a core aspect of compatibility.

Why Mental Health Now Trumps Old Relationship Norms

 Several surveys indicate that a majority of young adults in India are comfortable discussing mental health with partners and see emotional support as a key component of a strong relationship. The Gen-z views that Openness about feelings is now seen as a relationship asset, not a vulnerability. Setting emotional boundaries is seen as a form of self-care and mutual respect.

These trends suggest that today’s young adults are not afraid to pause, reflect, and recalibrate rather than rush into connections that don’t align with their well-being goals.

What This Means for Relationship Culture

Gone are the days when silence about emotional needs was considered strength. Today’s young people are willing to initiate conversations about mental health early in relationships and evaluate if the relationship is enhancing their mental health or depleting it.

For relationship professionals, therapists, and anyone involved in couples counselling, these shifts signal a broader cultural moment, one where mental wellness is inseparable from romantic bonding.

Mental health, Emotional Awareness, Emotional literacy, capacity for Empathy are emerging as relationship parameters

Mental health isn’t just a sidebar in Gen-Z relationships; it’s often the central narrative that shapes how young adults choose, sustain, or exit partnerships. As emotional awareness becomes the new green flag in dating culture, we’re witnessing a healthier, more intentional form of connection that values well-being as much as affection.

The post Mental Health Comes First for Gen-Z in Relationships first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

In an era of evolving social norms, the debate around live-in relationships in India is becoming increasingly relevant. A recent piece in Deccan Herald highlights why experts believe that live-in partnerships need formal legal recognition, focusing on the emotional, psychological, and social challenges faced by couples who choose cohabitation outside marriage.

Inner Dawn Counsellor Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured in Deccan Herald on 01-Oct-25

Live-In Relationships in India: A Changing Reality

Many couples in India opt to live together without marriage for personal reasons, yet this choice often exists in a legal grey zone. Experts say that the lack of legal recognition contributes to:

• Anxiety and insecurity in partners over their rights and future.
• Family conflicts, with parents or relatives frequently unaware or unsupportive of the arrangement.
• Mental health stressors, as couples juggle societal stigma and uncertain legal protections.

Why Experts Are Calling for Legal Recognition

Therapists and relationship specialists argue that legal status would:

• Help safeguard emotional and financial rights of both individuals.
• Reduce the power imbalance and exploitation that can occur when one partner feels insecure about their position.
• Provide clarity in matters such as child custody, property rights, inheritance, and domestic responsibilities.

Without a legal framework, many couples are left vulnerable when relationships change or break down. Recognition could provide much-needed structure and legal recourse similar to what marriages afford.

Live-In Relationships, Law, and Social Acceptance

India’s legal stance currently allows adults to cohabit, and the Supreme Court has affirmed the constitutional right to choose one’s partner. However, this right does not automatically translate into full legal protection or social security benefits. Courts in various states have made rulings to bridge some gaps, but a comprehensive law is still missing.  And there still the matter of social acceptance of couples in live-in relationships.

The recent crimes reported in the media, where the harm has allegedly been caused by the live-in partner, have really put a spotlight on the vulnerability of the state of live-in relationships and the level of social acceptance of such relationships.

What would legalization mean for couples in live-in relationships

As lifestyles shift and relationships evolve, the conversation around legalising live-in partnerships gains urgency. For couples choosing this path, it’s not just about cohabitation but about rights, dignity, and security. Recognising live-in ties legally could be a transformative step toward modernising family law in India.

The post Live-In Relationships in India: The Need for Laws first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

In this day and age, where instant gratification is the norm, marked by quick commerce, dating apps, shorts, and reels, it is understandable that Gen-Z finds sustaining relationships difficult. Truth be told, relationship challenges are a reality for all age groups.

Social medial and online influence on relationship challenges

We are progressively more influenced by social media and online influencers.  One may have thousands of friends/followers on social media.  But in real, how much support do we have on the ground is a big question. Gen-Z also prefers text to talking, meeting, and spending time, which affects the quality of connection in relationships. Phubbing is a common occurrence, being on the phone when you are physically with another person.

Long-term/lasting Relationships do not work in the instant gratification mode. All parties involved need to invest time, effort, and energy into the relationship to make it work, to make it fulfilling. Relationships, no matter how good they are, may not always be convenient. Commitment to a relationship and the effort needed to make it work cannot change and shift based on convenience.

The need for Resilience

Unrealistic expectations in relationships compounded by low levels of resilience mean a failure or a rejection feels like an insurmountable challenge.  There’s a tendency to move from one relationship to the next with minimal or no time spent in reflection or processing the grief of the breakup, learning from the loss, etc.

It is important to emphasize that lasting relationships inherently involve emotional labour. That means the partners need to manage their own emotions and cater to the needs of the other.  Conflicts and disagreements need to be managed and resolved without damaging the other or crumbling your self-esteem. Without emotional awareness and the capability to hold self and the other, there is limited scope for emotional connection, emotional intimacy, and bonding.

I believe that we need to start early with children. Parents play a big role here in offering an emotionally inviting and safe home environment. Schools need to start teaching about emotional literacy, empathy, and compassion. And progressively, at different age groups, colleges and organizations need to take up emotional intelligence and interpersonal effectiveness.

A course offered by Delhi University titled ‘Negotiating Intimate Relationships’ is a step in the right direction.

Inner Dawn counsellor Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured in Deccan Herald (13-Jun-25).

Does Gen Z need a course on handling relationships?

The post Gen-Z – Relationship challenges in the age of instant gratification first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Panel Discussion on Pre-Marital Counselling and Family Well-Being. I had the privilege of being invited as a panellist by the Gender Studies Committee at the School of Law, CHRIST (Deemed to be University),  for a panel discussion on “Pre-Marital Counselling and Family Well-Being”. This was organized as part of the International Women’s Day celebrations,  EMPOW(H)ER on March 10th, 2025.

We explored the role of pre-marital counselling in building healthy relationships, strategies for preparing for marital harmony, ensuring both emotional and financial preparedness in relationships etc.

The panel included esteemed professionals and a moderator to facilitate the discussion.

• Ms. Neelam Kamall, a mental health counsellor and mediator at Looking Glass
• Ms. Latha Prasad, a senior lawyer and mediator at the Bangalore Mediation Centre
• Ms. Kala Balasubramanian a Psychologist and Psychotherapist – Founder of Inner Dawn Counselling.
• Ms Siri a Lawyer and POSH expert – Moderator.

Our discussion focused on the growing relevance of pre-marital counselling in today’s society. As social beings, humans are naturally wired to seek connection and relationships. Pre-marital counselling provides valuable support to individuals and couples (whether in cis-heterosexual or LGBTQI+ relationships) who are navigating their journey toward long-term commitment or marriage. It is particularly beneficial for:

• Couples considering marriage or a committed partnership.
• Those seeking to address relationship concerns before making a long-term commitment.
• Couples in a relationship who want to resolve any prevailing issues.
• Clients entering an arranged marriage who wish to look for compatibility and be prepared for potential challenges.
• Individual clients looking for clarity on their expectations, addressing their fears and doubts if any etc.

The Role and Benefits of Pre-Marital Counselling

Today the definitions of relationships and marriage have changed; gender roles are in the process of change. Monogamy, ethical non-monogamy, and other types of relationships have emerged. And as always, change also brings in a resistance to change as well. Given this changing landscape, pre-marital counselling helps individuals and couples develop a deeper understanding of self and each other by exploring key aspects of their relationship, including:

Assessing Compatibility – Exploring shared values, expectations, and emotional connection
Communication – Effective communication and emotional literacy skills
Conflict Resolution – Healthy ways to navigate disagreements and strengthen the relationship
Discuss Key Life Aspects – Discussion on finances, boundaries, future goals, physical intimacy, parenting expectations etc.

A skilled counsellor facilitates this process using open-ended questions, reflective exercises, and guided discussions to foster mutual understanding and empathy. Active listening, paraphrasing, and empathic responses help model effective communication and emotional connection.

The lawyers and mediators on the panel discussed about how the mediation process can help resolve conflicts and how pre-marital counselling can help in being prepared for marital life and avoiding a lot of pain and challenges upfront.

Key Insights from the Panel Discussion

The panel also explored the importance of:

• Neutrality in Counselling & Mediation – A counsellor or mediator must remain impartial to create a safe space for all clients
• Empathy and Active Listening – Patience and deep listening are essential in understanding clients’ perspectives
• Communication as a Life Skill – Effective communication and conflict resolution are crucial not only for couples but for all interpersonal relationships
• Pre-Marital Counselling for Diverse Relationships – Support is valuable for all individuals, couples, including LGBTQI+ couples and those planning for arranged marriages
• Proactive Relationship Building – Addressing potential challenges early can help strengthen relationships and foster long-term well-being

This discussion underscored the value of equipping individuals and couples with the tools to build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

#PreMaritalCounselling #RelationshipWellbeing #EmotionalLiteracy #ConflictResolution #CommunicationSkills #WomensDay

The post Powerful impact of pre-marital counselling in these changing times first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

In my last video I talked about what relationship affairs are and talked about how violation of boundaries can become affairs. Boundaries differ for each couple and in different relationship types. It all depends on whether you believe in One Love Or Multiple Loves

Today I talk about the different kinds of relationship which are becoming fairly common nowadays.  I will not be addressing the different sexual orientations and the legal aspects.

Monogamous relationships

Monogamous relationship is a relationship with a single partner at a time. Here both the partners, commit to stay exclusively involved with each other romantically and sexually. That means they will not look for romantic or sexual involvement out side the couple,  till they are together.

Monogamous partners can be married to each other or in a long term relationship, in a live-in or long distance arrangement. Though the basic premise is exclusivity and fidelity, the nuances of rules and boundaries needs to be agreed upon with each other by the couple. When there are violations of these rules and boundaries it can result in affairs, breach of trust, breakups and divorce.

When there are problems and dissatisfactions in a relationship,  I would suggest that the couple try to address these problems or seek professional help with a couple therapist to work through your problems.  When a partner seeks solace outside the boundaries of the relationship, without the other partner’s consent and knowledge, it leads to feelings of betrayal, breaking of trust and over all a lot of pain for all involved.   

Consensual Ethical Non-Monogamy

Let us now look at what are the other kinds of relationships that exist today . Here I am referring to what is called consensual, ethical, non-monogamy.

Why is it called consensual? All parties involved need to be fully aware of the kind of relationship and consent for the same with willingness and not in any way coerced or out of fear or  being bullied. And again these relationships are bound by the rules that are setup by the partners involved.

Open relationships: 

If a couple is in an open relationship, they are the primary partners to each other emotionally/ sexually but they agree that one or both of them are open to have sexual relationships with other people. Having said that both partners agree upon certain terms, conditions, limits that they need to adhere to.

For example, they may have specific rules that both of them need to know / need not know whom the other partner is sexually involved with,  or whether they can be / cannot be emotionally involved with the other person, can the other person be a known person or unknown person to both, can there be further communication with the other person etc. The other person also needs to be aware of the presence of the primary partner, the open nature of the relationship and consent to it.

These boundaries are essential and can be different for each couple. For example, practicing safe sex and use of protection is an important boundary to maintain. This is applicable for all kinds of relationships and associations.

Swinging

Here couples engage with other couples and get involved sexually. It ls also called partner swapping. This can happen occasionally or regularly. Again the couple would define what their rules of engagement and boundaries are.

Some couples may engage only when both partners are interested in the other couple. Whom they engage with and whom not and how, will be decided by both partners.

Polyamory

Poly means multiple and Amor means love.  The words literally translates to “Many Loves”. In polyamory one or all partners engage in romantic and or sexual relationships with multiple partners. All partners need to be aware of each other’s presence, participation and are consenting to the poly relationship and the boundaries defined for the relationship. All of these relationships are seen as involved, committed relationships. So mutual trust, transparency, open communication is essential.

There are different types of Polyamory. I will talk about few types here.

Hierarchical polyamory – In this relationship, there is a primary partner, who takes priority over others. And there could be multiple secondary partners. The primary partner can also have other secondary partners.

Non-hierarchal polyamory – Here there are no primary or secondary partners. All partners are considered as equal.

Mono-Poly – Here one partner is polyamorous but the other partner chooses to be monogamous. The polyamorous partner may follow any kind of the poly relationship, but has the consent of their monogamous partner.

Polyfidelity – Here this is a non-hierarchical polyamory. There may be three or four partners who are all involved with each other romantically or sexually and are excusive to one another and don’t get involved with others outside the group.

Polygamy

I would contrast this with Polygamy, which is the practice of marriage to multiple partners. Here consent of all partners may or may not be present. Polygyny is a man marrying multiple women and Polyandry is a woman marrying multiple men. These may be practiced in specific cultural/social settings.

In summary

• Monogamy is an exclusive romantic and sexual relationship with a single partner at a time.
• Ethical, or consensual, non-monogamy describes relationships in which all parties are aware of and consent to the practice non-monogamy.
• Polyamory is a form of ethical, or consensual, non-monogamy that involves having romantic or sexual relationships with multiple partners at the same time.
• Open relationship also needs to be consensual, where one or both partners engage in sexual contact with other people.
• For any of these relationships to work –  be it monogamy or even more so in ethical  non-monogamous relationships – Communication, trust and consent is absolutely critical.
• Partners need to be able to openly communicate their fears, insecurities, opinions, disagreements openly with each other and trust that they will be heard and their feelings validated and taken into account. 
• All relationships work based on Trust.  Ignoring feelings of Jealousy or insecurity can damage all parties involved.
• All parties need fully aware of what kind of relationship they are getting into  to be able to consent. If consent is given under any pressure to save the marriage or relationship or any other constraint or coercion, it will be unhealthy for the relationship and the partners.
• When getting into a relationship or marriage, it is a good idea to have an open conversation about what both people think about the boundaries for the relationship, what constitutes fidelity, what is acceptable and unacceptable in the relationship etc.

About the Author

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

The post Do You Believe In One Love Or Multiple Loves – Monogamy, Polyamory and more first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Many of my couple clients ask me whether an affair or infidelity mean the end of the marriage or relationship.

Understanding what is an affair

First we need to understand what is considered an affair and what is not.  A lot depends upon what is the definition of boundaries for the relationship as agreed upon by the partners in the relationship.

The relationship or marriage itself could be a monogamous, or a poly relationship, or an open relationship.  I will make another video to explain the different types of relationships soon.

Irrespective of what kind of relationship it is, it is bound by a set of boundaries or rules or understanding between the partners as to what is acceptable and what is not acceptable for their relationship.  You will see me use the term marriage or relationship interchangeably.

Some examples.

• Staying in touch with an ex maybe acceptable for one couple but may not be for another.
• Or texting a colleague might be okay at 8 p.m. But may not be okay at 12 in the night. The time of messaging, content of messages, and the volume of messages exchanged may all be factors in what is ok and what is not ok for the couple
• The extent of physical closeness with a friend that is acceptable will vary from couple to couple.
• The level of emotional sharing and emotionally intense relationships with others that is acceptable will vary for each couple.

Couples usually don’t sit down and talk about what is okay and what is not okay and they may not make a list of these things. It is a continuous process of understanding each other, understanding what is comfortable or uncomfortable, what is a definite no-no for your partner and yourself and handling your boundaries accordingly.

Having said that what to do when there is a boundary violation like an affair. It might help to have an understanding of the different types of affairs.

Affairs can be of many types.

Sexual affair

This is a purely physical/ sexual encounter or encounters that one has with the same person or different persons. There is a lack of emotional involvement or attachment initially. When there is more sexual environment with the same person emotional involvement could increase.

Romantic affair

There is a sense of emotional closeness, sharing and attachment with the other and a sense of sexual attraction or sexual intimacy with other person. This kind of affair can also be seen as falling in love with someone else.

Emotional affair

There may not be any sexual attraction here but a lot of emotional intimacy, sharing and support. What initially could start as emotional closeness with another person can overtime develop into sexual feelings and could become a romantic relationship as well.

Online / Cyber affair

Today everything is available at the touch of a button. And online or cyber affairs can start from chats, video calls, emails etc. This can be with a known person or an unknown person. The people involved might never meet or could meet. An online affair could involve any activities of flirting, emotional sharing/intimacy, online sex etc. If the people meet up, this could become a sexual or romantic affair.  

Some Common aspects in any kind of affair

• There is a sense of secrecy / hiding / lying about what is going on with the partner.
• It takes away energy from the relationship / marriage.
• The partner who is being cheated upon is / would be uncomfortable/ does not like what is going on.
• The partner engaging in the affair gets more and more involved with other person(s).

Couples with a problem of infidelity in the relationship, come into therapy when the partner who got cheated upon somehow gets to know about the affair. And it is common that the partner who was involved in the affair believed that, their partner would not get to know about it.  And perhaps believed that what they don’t know cannot hurt them.

Let me clear this myth about affairs right here. Irrespective of whether your partner knows about the affair or not, it is already hurting your relationship, there by hurting your partner. When you are disengaged, when your focus is elsewhere outside the relationship, you are unavailable for your partner in ways that are healthy for the relationship.

So let us say that the affair is not secret anymore, and the other partner knows about it. What now?

Some of the common reactions when an affair comes to light

The partner who had an affair denies it  or covers it up, with more lies and partial truths. The challenge here is that the lies and partial stores will get uncovered soon or later. The breach of trust from the affair would become now manifold with the slew of lies that are used to cover it up.

Partners blame each other and other problems in the marriage as reasons for the affair. I usually tell my couple clients that that could be many problems in the marriage that might have let to the affair, but doesn’t justify it.

Or the couple may choose to not talk about it, ignore it completely, push it under the carpet, continue with their lives, pretending that it never happened. The challenge is, it will surface in the relationship in unconscious ways through indirect accusations, distrust and insecurity.

Another possibility is that one partner walks out of the relationship, and they may choose to end the relationship.

Having said that – Let us say the couple wants to address their issues and the affair related impact on their relationship, they could seek couple therapy. 

Let me tell you that it is possible for the couple to work through this challenge and even strengthen the relationship, provided the following aspects are in place, and they are willing to put in the effort.

1. Both partners value the marriage/relationship – and want to make it work.  It is possible that one partner wants the marriage and other partner may still be undecided about whether they want to work on it or not. Over time as they have conversations with each other if both choose to stay in the marriage and work on it, then it is possible to work through the damages caused by the affair.
2. Both partners agree for transparency and honesty in the relationship and the willingness to rebuild trust in the relationship overtime. The therapist would facilitate open and honest conversations are towards this.
3. The partner who has had the affair takes responsibility for it and acknowledge the hurt caused to the other partner by their actions.
4. Both partners openly discuss and agree upon clear and acceptable boundaries for their relationship and for their personal spaces /activities.
5. The couple also would be encouraged to look at underlying relationship challenges and make necessary changes to cater to each other’s reasonable needs and actively engage with each other in a respectful manner.

Summary

An affair need not mean the end of the marriage or relationship. Having said that, breaking of trust takes a single moment.  Rebuilding takes time.  It would take time and commitment from both partners to heal the relationship wounds, to rebuild trust between each other and address other underlying challenges in the relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

The post Does infidelity mean the end of the marriage or relationship? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

In my last video about the importance of Boundaries in Couple Relationship I had asked a few question and I had left them open. As promised here is the video addressing them. 

I had talked about a scenario where one partner feels that they are having a close friendship with someone else and the other partner feels that it’s an affair. The partner who is in this friendship, feels that there is nothing wrong when the relationship is just a friendship but other partner feels uncomfortable with that.

Some Important questions – Aren’t friendships outside marriage important? Can’t we get emotional support from our friends and family?  What if there is no attraction or any sexual undertones? Where do we draw the line?  Let me try to address these questions in this video.

Spoiler alert – There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. What is important is that both partners in the relationship have a common set of answers and understanding between them.

Let me start with a metaphor.

We all live in houses. Why do we stay in a house / apartment? To be safe physically and to protect ourselves, that’s why the house has walls. But a house also has a certain number of Windows to allow for sunlight and air to come in and also doors to allow us and other people to come in or go out. But remember the doors also have locks and windows also have latches. So that we can choose for whom we want to open the doors to, and when we want keep the windows open or closed.

Boundaries to your relationship are like that. They do not intend to cut off other people but to allow them to enter into your space when you both want them to and keep yourself safe and secure when you both do not want them to come in.

It is good to have a healthy circle of friends, siblings, family, relatives etc.  Having said that, it is important for both the partners to agree upon, what is acceptable and what is not for your relationship. Cutting off from everyone else is definitely not advisable.

Lets us look at some examples-   These are not real client names.       

Sharing your relationship issues with other friends family, etc

Lets say you are having disagreements and conflicts with your partner, which is common in a long term relationship. But when you choose to share it with your friend, colleague, family member etc, they are also forming a negative opinion about your partner. And your partner might be uncomfortable for you to share this information with others.  Tomorrow you both might patch up, but the person with whom you shared this information may continue to hold that negative image about your partner.  Do you agree?

Spending or wanting to spend more time with the other person      

Let us look at another scenario- These are not real client names.  

Rakesh and Rupa have been married for10 years. Their life had become a bit monotonous.  Rakesh made a new friend at his workplace.  He found that she was very intelligent and interesting, He starts sharing about his challenges and get emotional support. The more he spent time with her he found more common ground. He was excited to go to work so that he could meet her. She became his go to person to go talk about anything that he felt like. When he would go home, he had nothing to share with Rupa or talk about. Do you think this will create problems in their relationship or aggravate existing issues between them?

Let me list down some scenarios that can create problems in a relationship. Prevention is better than cure.

• This friendship/relationship becomes more important than the relationship with partner/spouse.
• This relationship is more interesting, to share about challenges, about significant events
• Discussing and taking decisions with this person rather than with the partner.
• Looking forward to spending more and more time with this person, online, in person, on calls etc.
• Prefer provide and get emotional support with this with the other person more than with partner.
• Hiding things from partner, Lying to partner – fully/partially/white lies etc.
• Becoming physically or emotionally close with this other person, which the partner is not aware of, or not aware of the extent to, or has a discomfort or objection to it.
• Becoming a significant emotional support provider to this other person, that the partner is uncomfortable with.
• Effort, energy and enthusiasm increases towards this person and it affects the effort, energy and enthusiasm towards partner

The other relationship might be platonic.  But if it takes you away from your marriage or relationship, it is a cause of concern and needs to be addressed before the damage becomes severe.

If you are facing any of these challenging scenarios, Couple therapy / Couple counselling / marriage counselling / relationship counselling could help the both of you set healthy boundaries for your relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post How do Boundaries Keep your Relationship safe? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

When you are in a relationship, you can expect that there will be some changes in both of your activities and behaviours that would be required to build up a healthy relationship.  Certain things that were OK to do before getting into a relationship might need to change based upon your partner’s preferences.  What is OK to do and NOT OK to do, would change depending upon you and your partner’s comfort levels and acceptance. This doesn’t mean you lose your freedom. This means that while taking care of your needs you also need to take into account your partner’s needs too.  If you are doing certain things which are unacceptable to your partner you may want to take your partner’s opinion into consideration and have a conversation around it. These are what are called boundaries of a relationship. 

Through boundaries are needed for any type of relationship, here I am referring to couple relationship – any kind of a committed relationship, which could be a marriage, or a live-in relationship or a dating relationship

Boundaries also would apply to what you share with or how much you interact with someone else or how involved is someone else in your personal life and decisions as well. It would also apply to how much you are involved in someone else’s life. If these make you or your partner uncomfortable, it is time to revisit and realign these boundaries.

I see a lot of couples that I work with have this issue, where one partner feels that they are having a close friendship with someone else and the other partner feels that it’s an affair. The partner who is in this friendship, feels that there is nothing wrong when the relationship is just a friendship but other partner feels uncomfortable with that.

Some Important questions – Aren’t friendships outside marriage important? Can’t we get emotional support from our friends and family?  What if there is no attraction or any sexual undertones? Where do we draw the line?  May be ill make a separate video focusing on these questions.

First of all, let me state it upfront – it is important and healthy to have a good support circle for oneself which could be friends, siblings, family, relatives etc.  These connections are necessary for a healthy life – feeling secure, happy and accepted.  Having said that, it is important for both the partners to agree upon, what is acceptable and what is not with respect to the boundaries of the relationship.

These are – what are I would call as boundary issues or boundary violations in a relationship.  Lets go a bit deeper on this topic.

1. Boundaries keep your relationship safe

Boundaries are needed to keep your relationship safe and not intended to curtail you or distance you away from others.

When you are in a relationship, you need to, not just think of yourself but also about your partner as well. When you get into a relationship or a marriage without this understanding, you might feel suffocated and might feel that your freedom has been restricted.  To be ready, prepared and to have a good relationship/marriage also means, to be willing to take into account your partner’s preferences, choices, comfort and acceptance.

2. Boundaries help to Gain and maintain trust in your relationship

Setting up clear boundaries for your relationship and adhering to them are one way of gaining and maintaining your partner’s trust. You respect each other when you respect each other’s boundaries and the boundaries of the relationship. It builds greater intimacy between the couple and encourages more open communication and bonding.

When you are doing something by yourself, especially in your partner’s absence, or involvement, it is all the more important for you to consider, if that would make your partner feel comfortable or would it not be OK with them.

3. Discuss and decide what your boundaries are – Together

What is ok or not ok in a relationship is to be decided by the partners together.  There will be a need for negotiation and it is best to arrive at a common understanding of the same.

Sadly most couples do not have this conversation or hesitate to have this important but not so easy conversation.  They prefer to assume things and only when things go wrong, or they let it get piled up over time, and when it bursts out like a volcano – then they see the damage to the relationship.

So in summary

• Boundaries are defined for the couple, by the couple together.  
• Both partners need to own these boundaries and that would help maintain the intimacy, trust and sanctity of the couple relationship. 
• The specifics of these boundaries would vary for different couples based on what they both are OK or not OK with.
• It would involve open discussion and negotiation between the couple, to arrive at a common understanding of the boundaries for the relationship.
• Boundaries could be applicable for any kind of behaviour, activity, interaction, information sharing that happens with anyone else outside the couple relationship, be it with parents, siblings, friends, colleagues, including ex-partners and other past relationships. 

Boundaries don’t cage you, but keeps your relationship safe. It helps maintain the intimacy, trust and sanctity of the couple relationship. 

In couple therapy, I help couples understand each other’s ideas and understanding of boundaries and facilitate the negotiation process to arrive at a common agreement on this critical and protective aspect of the relationship. If you are facing problems in your relationship, Couple therapy / Couple counselling / marriage counselling / relationship counselling can help you.

So, do you think you and your partner have common understanding of your relation ship boundaries?   What in your opinion are the key areas where a safe boundary needs to be established. Do share your thoughts as comments.  

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post Importance of Boundaries in your Relationship first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Manipulation can happen in any relationship but it is significantly damaging when it happens between partners. More often than not if interacting with the other person makes you feel shame, guilt, or accused, emotionally exhausted, or doubting your own reality then perhaps you could be getting manipulated. Over time this builds resentment in the relationship.

The person who manipulates would make you feel these so that they can get their way, to get their needs met or to feel good about themselves. It is possible that they may not be aware of or not used to healthy ways of getting their needs met. But that does not lessen the damage being caused to the relationship.

It is important to recognise manipulation at the earliest and address it, without which overtime there is a high risk of escalation of this behaviour which could become abuse in your relationship.

I am Kala Balasubramanian, counselling psychologist and relationship therapist, and in this video, I am going to talk about five signs of emotional manipulation in relationships. And if they are detected early and address adequately, it can save you from tons of heartache and pain in your relationship.

1. Are you watching your step all the time?

Do you feel apprehensive and gingerly when you interact with your partner? Do you feel that you have to be on guard to not upset or anger your partner? Do you often keep scanning the horizon for the next blow up to happen?

This takes up so much of your energy that you could feel drained out keeping yourself out of trouble. This can make you feel very and sure of saying anything or thinking hundred times before you bring up anything significant.

2. Does your partner say something but later on outright deny it?

The first step to address the problem is to acknowledge that there is a problem if your partner claims that there is no problem at all how do you collaborate with them to address the impact of it? Or does your partner say something or promised something and then out right denies it later on – saying I never said it or I don’t remember saying it.  

It is possible that this might make you second guess yourself, and question your own memory or your version of how things happened and doubt your own self. Gaslighting can start like this and if left unaddressed can become more severe and more damaging

3. Does your partner guilt trip you into doing things or to agree with them?

Does your partner repeatedly keep bringing up your mistakes or keep faulting you about things which happened recently as well as in the past to make you feel guilty? And you see that when that happens you end up agreeing to them or doing what they want you to do rather than to stay with your stance.

They might say “if you love me then you would do this”. Or using global statement like “you never really cared for me or cared for my preferences ever” or “you have always been resentful of my parents” or to outright accuse you as “How can you be so selfish? When you know I am already going through so much, how can you bring this issue up” etc, triggering you to prove it to them that what they are saying is wrong, or to drop the issue at hand or to defend yourself that you are not such a bad person after all the way they portray you to be.

4. Does most of your conversations move into blaming or accusing or badgering you into submission? 

Do you feel that a lot of your conversations go on and on and on without any real attempt at listening to each other understanding each other’s point of view? That you feel exasperated and that usually results in you giving up or just agreeing to what your partner wants or taking up the blame or accusation on yourself and apologizing, perhaps just to end the conversation?

It is also possible that whenever you have a problem or bring up an issue with your partner, somehow the conversation gets turned around and you end up being blamed an accused back. What you brought on the table doesn’t get addressed but you end up defending yourself are having to explain yourself or your actions. So there is no problem solving possible over here.

5. Does your partner apologize but keep doing the same thing over and over again?

Ok Let us say, somehow you have managed to explain your challenge in such a way that your partner finally understands it and apologises for it. But then over time you find that – that apology does not hold any value because they keep doing the same thing over and over again. And if you bring it up again it is highly likely that it may get ignored or brushed away or minimised in terms of its impact.

Over time you start feeling that there is no point in bringing up these issues to your partner when there is no active collaborative problem solving. Either you end up blaming your own self or taking responsibility for things which you are not responsible for. As resentment builds communication breakdown and conflicts escalate.

I am aware that it is not a pretty picture that I am painting over here. But this is a sad reality for many couples. Having said that it is possible to break this pattern before it becomes either abusive or irretrievable. In my next video I will talk about a few ways to dismantle this pattern.  But if you’re facing significant distress then you can seek professional help, couple therapy or if your partner is not willing then you can seek therapy for yourself to explore the possibility of addressing your challenge.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post 5 Signs of Manipulation in Your Relationship first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.