How do Boundaries Keep your Relationship safe?

In my last video about the importance of Boundaries in Couple Relationship I had asked a few question and I had left them open. As promised here is the video addressing them. 

I had talked about a scenario where one partner feels that they are having a close friendship with someone else and the other partner feels that it’s an affair. The partner who is in this friendship, feels that there is nothing wrong when the relationship is just a friendship but other partner feels uncomfortable with that.

Some Important questions – Aren’t friendships outside marriage important? Can’t we get emotional support from our friends and family?  What if there is no attraction or any sexual undertones? Where do we draw the line?  Let me try to address these questions in this video.

Spoiler alert – There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. What is important is that both partners in the relationship have a common set of answers and understanding between them.

Let me start with a metaphor.

We all live in houses. Why do we stay in a house / apartment? To be safe physically and to protect ourselves, that’s why the house has walls. But a house also has a certain number of Windows to allow for sunlight and air to come in and also doors to allow us and other people to come in or go out. But remember the doors also have locks and windows also have latches. So that we can choose for whom we want to open the doors to, and when we want keep the windows open or closed.

Boundaries to your relationship are like that. They do not intend to cut off other people but to allow them to enter into your space when you both want them to and keep yourself safe and secure when you both do not want them to come in.

It is good to have a healthy circle of friends, siblings, family, relatives etc.  Having said that, it is important for both the partners to agree upon, what is acceptable and what is not for your relationship. Cutting off from everyone else is definitely not advisable.

Lets us look at some examples-   These are not real client names.       

Sharing your relationship issues with other friends family, etc

Lets say you are having disagreements and conflicts with your partner, which is common in a long term relationship. But when you choose to share it with your friend, colleague, family member etc, they are also forming a negative opinion about your partner. And your partner might be uncomfortable for you to share this information with others.  Tomorrow you both might patch up, but the person with whom you shared this information may continue to hold that negative image about your partner.  Do you agree?

Spending or wanting to spend more time with the other person      

Let us look at another scenario- These are not real client names.  

Rakesh and Rupa have been married for10 years. Their life had become a bit monotonous.  Rakesh made a new friend at his workplace.  He found that she was very intelligent and interesting, He starts sharing about his challenges and get emotional support. The more he spent time with her he found more common ground. He was excited to go to work so that he could meet her. She became his go to person to go talk about anything that he felt like. When he would go home, he had nothing to share with Rupa or talk about. Do you think this will create problems in their relationship or aggravate existing issues between them?

Let me list down some scenarios that can create problems in a relationship. Prevention is better than cure.

• This friendship/relationship becomes more important than the relationship with partner/spouse.
• This relationship is more interesting, to share about challenges, about significant events
• Discussing and taking decisions with this person rather than with the partner.
• Looking forward to spending more and more time with this person, online, in person, on calls etc.
• Prefer provide and get emotional support with this with the other person more than with partner.
• Hiding things from partner, Lying to partner – fully/partially/white lies etc.
• Becoming physically or emotionally close with this other person, which the partner is not aware of, or not aware of the extent to, or has a discomfort or objection to it.
• Becoming a significant emotional support provider to this other person, that the partner is uncomfortable with.
• Effort, energy and enthusiasm increases towards this person and it affects the effort, energy and enthusiasm towards partner

The other relationship might be platonic.  But if it takes you away from your marriage or relationship, it is a cause of concern and needs to be addressed before the damage becomes severe.

If you are facing any of these challenging scenarios, Couple therapy / Couple counselling / marriage counselling / relationship counselling could help the both of you set healthy boundaries for your relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in