Do You Believe In One Love Or Multiple Loves

In my last video I talked about what relationship affairs are and talked about how violation of boundaries can become affairs. Boundaries differ for each couple and in different relationship types. It all depends on whether you believe in One Love Or Multiple Loves

Today I talk about the different kinds of relationship which are becoming fairly common nowadays. I will not be addressing the different sexual orientations and the legal aspects.

Monogamous relationships

Monogamous relationship is a relationship with a single partner at a time. Here both the partners, commit to stay exclusively involved with each other romantically and sexually. That means they will not look for romantic or sexual involvement out side the couple, till they are together.

Monogamous partners can be married to each other or in a long term relationship, in a live-in or long distance arrangement. Though the basic premise is exclusivity and fidelity, the nuances of rules and boundaries needs to be agreed upon with each other by the couple. When there are violations of these rules and boundaries it can result in affairs, breach of trust, breakups and divorce.

When there are problems and dissatisfactions in a relationship, I would suggest that the couple try to address these problems or seek professional help with a couple therapist to work through your problems. When a partner seeks solace outside the boundaries of the relationship, without the other partner’s consent and knowledge, it leads to feelings of betrayal, breaking of trust and over all a lot of pain for all involved.

Consensual Ethical Non-Monogamy

Let us now look at what are the other kinds of relationships that exist today . Here I am referring to what is called consensual, ethical, non-monogamy.

Why is it called consensual? All parties involved need to be fully aware of the kind of relationship and consent for the same with willingness and not in any way coerced or out of fear or being bullied. And again these relationships are bound by the rules that are setup by the partners involved.

Open relationships:

If a couple is in an open relationship, they are the primary partners to each other emotionally/ sexually but they agree that one or both of them are open to have sexual relationships with other people. Having said that both partners agree upon certain terms, conditions, limits that they need to adhere to.

For example, they may have specific rules that both of them need to know / need not know whom the other partner is sexually involved with, or whether they can be / cannot be emotionally involved with the other person, can the other person be a known person or unknown person to both, can there be further communication with the other person etc. The other person also needs to be aware of the presence of the primary partner, the open nature of the relationship and consent to it.

These boundaries are essential and can be different for each couple. For example, practicing safe sex and use of protection is an important boundary to maintain. This is applicable for all kinds of relationships and associations.

Swinging

Here couples engage with other couples and get involved sexually. It ls also called partner swapping. This can happen occasionally or regularly. Again the couple would define what their rules of engagement and boundaries are.

Some couples may engage only when both partners are interested in the other couple. Whom they engage with and whom not and how, will be decided by both partners.

Polyamory

Poly means multiple and Amor means love. The words literally translates to “Many Loves”. In polyamory one or all partners engage in romantic and or sexual relationships with multiple partners. All partners need to be aware of each other’s presence, participation and are consenting to the poly relationship and the boundaries defined for the relationship. All of these relationships are seen as involved, committed relationships. So mutual trust, transparency, open communication is essential.

There are different types of Polyamory. I will talk about few types here.

Hierarchical polyamory – In this relationship, there is a primary partner, who takes priority over others. And there could be multiple secondary partners. The primary partner can also have other secondary partners.

Non-hierarchal polyamory – Here there are no primary or secondary partners. All partners are considered as equal.

Mono-Poly – Here one partner is polyamorous but the other partner chooses to be monogamous. The polyamorous partner may follow any kind of the poly relationship, but has the consent of their monogamous partner.

Polyfidelity – Here this is a non-hierarchical polyamory. There may be three or four partners who are all involved with each other romantically or sexually and are excusive to one another and don’t get involved with others outside the group.

Polygamy

I would contrast this with Polygamy, which is the practice of marriage to multiple partners. Here consent of all partners may or may not be present. Polygyny is a man marrying multiple women and Polyandry is a woman marrying multiple men. These may be practiced in specific cultural/social settings.

In summary

Monogamy is an exclusive romantic and sexual relationship with a single partner at a time.
Ethical, or consensual, non-monogamy describes relationships in which all parties are aware of and consent to the practice non-monogamy.
Polyamory is a form of ethical, or consensual, non-monogamy that involves having romantic or sexual relationships with multiple partners at the same time.
Open relationship also needs to be consensual, where one or both partners engage in sexual contact with other people.
For any of these relationships to work – be it monogamy or even more so in ethical non-monogamous relationships – Communication, trust and consent is absolutely critical.
Partners need to be able to openly communicate their fears, insecurities, opinions, disagreements openly with each other and trust that they will be heard and their feelings validated and taken into account.
All relationships work based on Trust. Ignoring feelings of Jealousy or insecurity can damage all parties involved.
All parties need fully aware of what kind of relationship they are getting into to be able to consent. If consent is given under any pressure to save the marriage or relationship or any other constraint or coercion, it will be unhealthy for the relationship and the partners.
When getting into a relationship or marriage, it is a good idea to have an open conversation about what both people think about the boundaries for the relationship, what constitutes fidelity, what is acceptable and unacceptable in the relationship etc.

About the Author

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Do You Believe In One Love Or Multiple Loves – Monogamy, Polyamory and more