4 key conversations with parents on pressure to get married
Are your parents pressurizing you to get married and you don’t want to or don’t want to yet? This is a fairly common occurrence in Indian families. Here are 4 important conversations to have with your parents.
As a counsellor, I see many clients struggling to explain to their parents, what their preferences are with respect to marriage, whether they want to or not. If they want to, then the kind of person that they would want as their partner and when or whether they feel they are ready for a commitment like marriage. Disagreements impairs open communication and they find themselves at logger heads with parental expectations.
1. Understand the reasons why they want you married:
Your parents may believe that marriage will make you happy secure and supported. They may feel social pressure from relatives to handle questions from them as to why you are not married yet. They may want you to be taken care of once they are not around anymore. They want to see their grandchildren and to have that experience through you. Having an open conversation with your parents about this and getting clarity as to their reasons, would help you have a balanced dialogue with them and help them also feel heard.
This also helps you understand how they feel about your stance regarding marriage. Are they feeling frustrated and angry, fear/worry for your future, longing and anticipation etc.
2. Empathize with your parents:
Understanding where they come from and empathising with them is important, for despite their good intention, their approaches might not sit well with you. This gives you a chance to truly acknowledge and address their fear or worry. If there is a fear about your future without a family, then address it by sharing your plans for the same. It is possible that you may need more time to choose your partner or if you don’t want to get married, what is your plan to secure your own future, old age, infirmity etc. If their concern is about dealing with pesky relatives and others, you can perhaps offer to deal with them directly in a better manner.
3. Clarify and offer your reasons:
Your parents may come from a mindset that certain events need to happen at certain age in your life the way it happened in theirs. And they may have a template about how a family should look like, what happiness is etc. It is possible that your definition of happiness, fulfilment, family, security, support etc could be different from theirs. It is possible that they may not get convinced with your point of view, but it is fair that you offer them your reasons and what you see as your happiness, fulfilment, security in your life.
You also may want to explain your stance regarding children and how it is your responsibility to consider it seriously to make a decision, rather than assume that as a default choice.
4. Parents may need reassurance from you.
Offer them reassurance that you would decide about when, whether and who is right for you. They may consider it their responsibility or duty to get you married. If you would prefer to make a decision by yourself, it is important that you reassure them that you are willing to take the responsibility on your shoulders and you would take decisions when and if it is right for you and how you would prefer their involvement in the process.
If you are still unable to communicate effectively with each other, family counselling, individual counselling, pre-marital counselling could help you find ways to communicate better in your family.
About the Author:
Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.
Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in.