10 key conversations to have with your significant other
Planning to get hitched? Or in a committed relationship? Here are 10 topics that you could have conversations about with your partner that can directly impact your relationship.
Even if you are already married, or in a long-term relationship, it’s a good idea to have healthy conversations on these topics, if you haven’t done yet and be on the same page. There is no one right way of doing things in these areas. Both of you can find ways that work for the both of you.
As a relationship counsellor I usually facilitate discussions between the couple as part of pre-marital counselling / couple counselling on these topics that are important for a stable relationship as per their needs.
1. Talk finances:
How much do each of you earn? What if one partner not planning to earn? How would you spend on household expenses? What expenses are considered extravagant and what are considered necessary? Do either of you have any debt? What are your average monthly expenses till now? What is your attitude towards spending and saving? How will investments etc be done?
2. Share and discuss your core values:
What do you consider as your core values? Which one of those are non-negotiable for you? This could be about honesty, transparency, respect, trust, equality, sex, family interactions/ responsibilities, parenting, ethics etc. This could also be about religion, religious practices and other key beliefs regarding political views, race, discrimination etc that you hold.
3. About plans to live – Where and with whom?
It is important for both of you to be on the same page with respect to which place you intend to live going forward and whom you might be living with? And if you intend to live on your own (just the two of you) then how frequently would you be visiting each other’s parents/vice versa and how much do you expect to be interacting with them?
4. Mental/physical health issues for yourself or in your close family.
Hiding any mental health issues or physical health issues would create problems in your marriage early if it is found at a later date. It is better to discuss your history of physical or mental health issues upfront with your partner.
5. Plans for children:
Talk about your plans regarding children. If you plan to have, then talk about when, how many and if not, the reasons why. What kind of parenting approach have you experienced in your childhood and what kind of parents would you like to your child to have? What could be the level of influence/support of extended family on child rearing? What level of involvement would you want to have in parenting?
6. Career plans and any relocation plans if any:
It is important to talk about plans for your career as well as any short term / long term plans for relocation. Each one of you would have built a whole bunch of social connections, friends, family etc around you and relocation plans could disrupt them.
7. House hold responsibilities:
How would you share the house hold responsibilities and chores? Are you both looking for an equitable distribution or not? How were things done in your own family of origin in your childhood? Would sharing of house hold responsibilities change or vary based on changes in employment?
8. Dreams and aspirations about the future:
What do you foresee as a future for yourself and for the both of you as a family? What are your ideas about settling down, having a home, having a family etc.,? What activities do you enjoy, which you are looking forward to doing with each other? Do you enjoy travelling what kind of places do you like to visit? Any aspirations that you would like to share with each other?
9. Boundaries, space and what is not acceptable:
It is important to have boundaries for your relationship and to be on the same page regarding what can be shared with others and what can’t be. What do you see as private and what is not? When and where do you need space for yourself too? What do you see as fidelity, what is considered ok or not ok for the both of you as a couple?
10. Decision making process:
How will significant decisions be made between the two of you and what kind of an agreement is necessary for these decisions? Who else would be involved in these decisions? What happens if either of you disagrees?
Of course, none of these are written in stone and could change over a period of time as you both grow as individuals and as a couple. Then they would need to be talked about and renegotiated to arrive at a revised understanding and agreement.
If your conversations are not giving you clarity, you can seek professional support and seek pre-marital counselling / couple counselling, a safe space to express yourself and to understand your partner.
About the Author:
Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.
Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in.