Overcoming Jealousy – Part 2

This is the Part 2 of the transcript of a radio show on which I was the guest in 2017 on All India Radio – Rainbow FM hosted by Raj Gunashekar. The topic was “Overcoming Jealousy”. I find this topic more and more relevant, currently with COVID-18 effecting major changes in our life style – be it working from home, managing children and their online classes, increasing reliance on social media etc – leading to more proximity but less closeness. Some times we have access to too much information on what each other is doing. And less of privacy and individual space. In the program we talk about Jealousy and envy, the reasons why we experience these emotions and thoughts, how can we use them to our benefit rather get bogged down by them. The key is to understand where it is healthy and when it becomes a pathology. Alternately you can listen to the voice recording on Sound cloud here.

15. Can Jealousy be completely cured?

Normal Jealousy is a complex emotion not a diagnosis. It can be addressed in individual personal therapy or in couple therapy, if the client is motivated to address the issue at hand, by the counsellor in a warm and safe holding space. Pathological jealousy can be addressed with medications and psychotherapy.   The main issue is that the client needs to adhere to the treatment plan – in terms of medications as well as the therapy approaches. Any underlying mental disorder needs to be addressed. 

16. If proper help is not sought, what complications can one expect?

For normal jealousy – if they can sort out the issue together by open communication about the underlying insecurities and the situations therein, without becoming accusatory or defensive then the issue can be resolved.  If it can’t be done, the relationship will get negatively impacted for sure.  This would increase the insecurity and the jealousy and it could become a vicious cycle ultimately damaging the individuals and the relationship. A relationship therapist can help the couple understand the underlying needs that are unmet to resolve the issues that are leading to jealousy and insecurity.

In Pathological Jealousy, if help is not sought it can aggravate the condition and may lead to the risk of the relationship becoming abusive – be it Mental, emotional, physical and sexual abuse.  On the other side suicidal tendencies or tendencies to harm others also could manifest.

17. How long will it take to deal and solve the issue of jealousy in a person?

For normal Jealousy – if CBT is the therapeutic approach used, it is generally considered short-term therapy.  It might  take about 5 to 20 sessions. The duration also is determined by the progress you make with respect to the goals you want to accomplish in therapy. For pathological jealousy it would depend on the symptom reduction.

18. When do we say that the person is completely cured of jealousy?

As I said earlier – Normal Jealousy is an emotion not a diagnosis  (unless it is pathological – even then there could be other underlying mental disorders).  Only when the intensity, severity and frequency is very high and irrational then it becomes a problem.  In cognitive behavioral therapy the client is enabled to understand their own thought patterns, the distortions in their thought patterns, the underlying beliefs and assumptions regarding close relationships are examined and any irrational beliefs are replaced by more adaptive and rational ones.

19. Post curing, can those feelings come back? If yes, how to ward it off?

Feeling jealous is a normal part of the emotions that we experience.  What one needs to do is, be aware and regulate the extent to which jealousy is manifested and if it is irrational or based only on your thoughts rather than reality then be able to deal with those thoughts and not engage them to have more influence on yourself.

20. On a broader note, how can a person who easily gets jealous look at other people and the world? Tell us the perspective they need to cultivate newly.

It is said that “comparison is the thief of all joy”

• Identify things that you are grateful for. It could be your family or your health or your job or your child or your passion for something. Make a list
• Examine your self -concept.  How to you see yourself, and how do others see you.  How do you see your ideal self as.  Are there significant gaps in them ? Can you work to address them?
• Work on yourself if your self esteem is low. 
• There will always some one better than you and someone worse than you .  Hence
• “ The only person whom you should be better than is who you were Yesterday”  -That is the attitude that you need to cultivate.

21. How to deal with jealousy at workplace?

If you find yourself getting envious of your other colleagues success or promotion or importance etc,

• First of all don’t show spite or say bad mouth / gossip about that person. Behave in a respectful manner at all transactions
• Try to find what are the positives that makes that person succeed that you can incorporate in yourself without looking like a copy cat.
• Don’t compare yourself with others. See if you can use the competitive environment to motivate yourself to do better that is improve your own performance. 
• Utilize the anger or frustration in a positive manner. We call it sublimation.  Being able to redirect your emotional energies to benefit you rather than deplete you.

22. If someone is coming after us to ruin our life or career because of jealousy, how to deal with such a situation? 

Determine if they are really trying to ruin your life and career or is this your assumption – this could be a colleague or a neighbor. Try to genuinely understand what bothers them and see if you can address it.   May be it is not your promotion but you talking about it more than necessary.

Be genuinely respectful and make them feel important.  Include them in important discussions and appreciate them and their ideas openly and genuinely. Still if you find that the person is deliberately jeopardizing your work or life – stand up for yourself and assertively confront them and ask them to address their behavior in a respectful manner.   Sometimes open communication can work wonders. Still if it doesn’t work you have a choice to ignore their behavior, protect yourself and your interests

If it is impossible for you to cope then you can change your project or job or location. 

23. What if it is a family member who is jealous of another member? 

 If it is a family member genuinely appreciate their work or qualities.  They may find it difficult to harbor resentment when you show appreciation. You may not want to share too much personal information with them, about your current aspirations or achievements, future plans etc.

If they feel jealous it is their feeling and their problem.  try not to create more drama around it.  You don’t have to take responsibility for their emotions or feel guilty about it. If nothing works – avoid possible interactions wherever possible.

24. Is there any reverse psychology method to deal with jealousy?

Reverse psychology is a technique to get somebody do something you want by suggesting that they do the opposite.   It would not work if the person realizes that you are trying to manipulate them.  So it has to be done subtly.

There are people when jealous, try to make the other person jealous as well by their behavior.   If this followed by open communication and genuine empathy then probably the problem can get resolved. But it can also aggravate and escalate the situation.  So be aware of the potential consequences.

25. Can anything good come out of a person’s jealousy?

Jealousy in a relationship context can be a wakeup call for your relationship slumber.  If you have taken each other for granted, it makes you take a note of it and show to your partner that you value them more and the relationship.  It is a chance to reassess your relationship priorities, goals and to ensure that your needs are met and insecurities if any are addressed in a healthy manner.

Pathological jealousy needs to be treated at the earliest.

Envy towards your family members or colleagues or neighbors may be an indicator of the stagnancy in your life or that its time that you reassess your needs and priorities, start taking new initiatives to get what you aspire for. Then you can turn it around to make it beneficial to yourself.

26. How can parents help their children at a very young age to have a healthy image of themselves rather than get jealous of what other kids’ have in life?

In today’s world parents treat their children like the kings and queens of the world.  They are pampered and promised the moon.  When the reality strikes, the child learns that there are others better than them, it becomes difficult for the child to digest.  Here are the initial threads of comparing themselves with others and feeling envious or inferior.

Parents – don’t pamper your children excessively and be over protective either.  And most importantly don’t compare your child with their siblings or cousins or friends.  It affects their self-esteem negatively. Teach your children to be able to identify and appreciate what they have.  Use play to encourage them to share with others. Take time to listen to them. Make them feel confident of themselves.  It is natural that they will experience envy at some point in time.  Don’t rebuke them for feeling envious. Help them convert that into a motivating factor to do better towards positive goals.

Last but not least if you yourself are feeling jealous about others around you, its important that you address that first,  since children learn more from modeling on their parents than by what they are told.

28. Concluding remarks by Ms Kala Balasubramanian.

I would conclude with a quote from Victor Frankl.

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom”.

Whether Jealousy or envy – these are emotions that we feel and emotional are real.  But we have the power to understand them and to choose our response to moderate it and act accordingly in a way that help us grow and enrich our relationships and people around us.