Understanding Jealousy and Envy – how to overcome it – Part 1

I was the guest on a radio show in 2017 on All India Radio – Rainbow FM hosted by Raj Gunashekar. The topic was “Overcoming Jealousy”. We talk about understanding jealousy and overcoming it. In the midst of the pandemic, I find this topic more and more relevant with major changes in our life style – be it working from home, managing children and their online classes, increasing reliance on social media etc – leading to more proximity but less closeness. Some times we have access to too much information on what each other is doing. And less of privacy and individual space. In the program we talk about Jealousy and envy, the reasons why we experience these emotions and thoughts, how can we use them to our benefit rather get bogged down by them. The key is to understand where it is healthy and when it becomes a pathology. Alternately you can listen to the voice recording on Sound cloud here.

Here is the Part 1 of the transcript.

1. Clinically, how is jealousy defined?  How is jealousy different from envy or covetousness?

Jealousy is an emotional response to a situation where you perceive a threat to a valued relationship,  when you fear that someone or someone’s attention/affection might be taken away from you..   The threat may be real or only perceived.   This can occur on the basis of multiple underlying reasons like fear, insecurity, low-self esteem, inadequacy in the relationship, past experiences etc

Jealousy is not restricted to romantic relationships; it can happen among friends, among siblings seeking parental attention etc.  Here there is always a third party at the minimum.  The intensity, frequency and irrationality of jealousy determines if it is a emotion to be managed or a clinical problem to be addressed. People can experience jealousy in a mild/moderate level – based on their situation, current state of mind or at a pathological level- where we talk about obsessive and delusional jealousy.

I would differentiate Jealously from covetousness and envy.  Covetousness is the inordinate desire to have what the other person has be it materialistic or stature.  When you want what the other person has and when you can’t, you start developing negative views and feelings towards the other person and resent it, then you are experiencing envy.

2. Explain the impact of jealousy on a person’s mental and physical health.

Jealousy can stem from insecurity, low self esteem and can make the person suspicious, hyper vigilant and can lead to more insecurity. Left unchecked this can grow out of proportion leading to anxiety or depression.

Jealousy might also make you feel angry, hurt, over-worried making you stressed – this can kick-start the body’s stress response.  Your body is pumped with stress hormones, your blood pressure would increase, and so would your heart rate, sweating, clammy hands etc all this can happen. And prolonged stress is definitely damaging to your physical health. So yes.  Jealousy can affect the person’s mental and physical health.

3. Is it normal to be jealous? How much of it is healthy?

For example – Lets say A couple is attending a party.  One of them is getting a lot of attention from another guest.  The other partner may feel a pang of jealousy and may move closer to the other partner and put their arms around their partner and join the conversation.   Here the partner feeling jealous is exhibiting behavior which might be seen as – “protecting their turf” or “warding off any rivals”.

Mild / moderate level Jealousy can be an indicator that something needs to be addressed in the relationship.   Jealousy motivates the person to act in a way to get back the partners attention and affection and not to get lured away by someone else. In a way normal jealousy is an essential emotion since it can motivate people to engage in behaviors that maintain an important relationship.

In a couple context they may have fallen into a routine and boredom could have set in.  Mild Jealousy here can be healthy if it can be a wake up call for both the partners to put in efforts to make the relationship more exciting or have more interesting conversations, more romantic activities, make your partner feel more valued etc. But if one partner has been cheating then the other partner needs to do what it takes to confront and deal with the problem together as a couple.

Based on a real situation If one feels jealous then they need to address the situation.  But if the person feels jealous with no real cause or the jealousy is not in proportionate to the actual situation then it is not healthy, then  they may need to seek help from a professional – a counsellor or a psychotherapist.

4. Is this a rare phenomena or an everyday thing that happens to everyone?

Jealousy can happen to everyone of us.  We all have loved ones around us.  Be it parents, siblings, friends, lover, spouse, children and so on.  We do want their love, affection and attention upon us, in different ways in different circumstances.  When we feel that there is someone who is vying or seeking attention from them or that they are giving attention to someone else, it is natural for us to feel jealous.

As I said earlier, as long as the intensity is at a mild and moderate level it is easy to address and even can have healthy outcomes if we can deal with it in an adaptive manner.

5. Who get more jealous – men or women?

Generally speaking both men and women do feel jealous. But it is usually presumed that women are more in touch with their emotions and are willing to express it overly or covertly. But most men generally wouldn’t admit their insecurities and the feeling of jealousy and hence it may seem that women get more jealous.

When it comes to pathological jealousy, though there are no major epidemiological studies, it is generally seen that it occurs more in older men.

6. Which age groups have more of the ‘jealous-feeling’ factor?

All age groups can experience jealousy.  how it is expressed and manifested that would differ based on the age group. Jealousy can be seen even in young children.  Sibling rivalry is one form of jealousy when they complete for parental love, affection and attention.

Adolescence itself is a turbulent phase by its significant transitional nature. They are neither children nor adults.  The adolescent might feel jealous among friends when they feel threatened that someone else can take away their friend or they may lose importance in their friends eyes.  This can cause aggression or they may become extremely lonely leading to depression etc.

In adults, a feeling of  insecurity can be there, low self esteem, suspicion and controlling behavior etc can manifest.

7. Some people may not know they are suffering from jealousy. What are the symptoms?

A Normal jealous pang now and then could be an indicator that you really are concerned about your relationship and want your partner more close to you.  But when it becomes excessive then 

• They start becoming fearful that the rival will steal their partner or their partner might abandon them.
• Become very uncomfortable when their partner is spending time with others
• There are too many thoughts about a possible betrayal
• Start becoming too possessive
• Become hyper-vigilant on what is happening and become suspicious more and more –  monitoring their movement,  internet history, check their phones and emails  etc  
• then Jealousy has become a problem to be addressed.

8. What are the dos and don’ts for a person suffering from jealousy?

First step of all is to be aware.  Be aware that you are feeling jealous.  Accept your jealous thoughts and feelings and calm yourself down. You don’t have to run away from them.  They are just thoughts and feelings.

• Once you are calm check your thoughts. Are these real scenarios or your over-imaginative interpretations
• Understand what makes you feel threatened in the relationship or insecure.  
• Talk to your partner in a non –accusatory manner and communicate in a healthy manner.  See if both of you can work towards addressing your fears.
• Donts – don’t start spying on your partner invading their privacy. Interrogating your partner and accusations on your partner of infidelity is not going to help.
• On the other hand, Since I feel jealous, I am going make you jealous  –  attitude and corresponding behavior will definitely not help.

9. What are the major factors today that can trigger jealousy in a person?

Apart from what I have discussed earlier, in today’s world, social media and gadgets are omnipresent.  Finding your partner chatting with the other person for long can also trigger jealousy. As a matter of fact, when one partner spends too much time with their mobile playing games too, jealousy can happen.  Here the gadget takes away precious time that could be spent with the partner.

10. Which trigger factors are mainly seen in men and women?

Jealousy in men and women typically is seen as sexual jealousy and emotional jealousy. Though there have been studies that have been done, it still remains inconclusive and subjective. What is known is that

Both men and women get significantly affected by suspicions regarding both real or perceived sexual infidelity and emotional infidelity

But it is generally accepted that men get more affected and feel more jealous towards a real or perceived or possible sexual infidelity and women get more affected and feel more jealous towards a real or perceived or  possible emotional  infidelity  – From a evolutionary psychology perspective

11. How can one know that someone is jealous of them?

When your partner is jealous – you will definitely know.  Feeling insecure, hyper vigilant behavior, becoming possessive, becoming excessively suspicious etc could be signs.

12. How to deal with a partner who is jealous of the other partner?

First of all do not invalidate what your partner is feeling.  What it means is don’t disregard your partners jealous feelings.   Whether it is justified or not is the next question.  But first acknowledge your partners feelings and try to empathize with them.

Tying to empathize means, to understand the situation from their point of view even if you are not in agreement.

Try to solve the problem and not see your partner as the problem.  Solving the problem could be to reassure your partner of your commitment, loyalty and affection.  Or addressing the situation in a amicable way establishing clear boundaries etc

If your partners jealous behavior is disproportional to the situation or has grown to an extent that you are not able to handle it, then it is time to seek professional help.

13. Most people are jealous of someone else’s looks, career success, money, job, and the list is endless. How can they help themselves come out of this?

When you want what the other person has or feel inferior when compared to the other person’s possessions or achievements etc and develop negative views and feelings towards the other person and resent it, then you are experiencing envy.

• When you are feeling envious, be aware and acknowledge the same. Make a note of what you are envious about, about whom and why.
• You might have negative feelings towards that person, feel angry and might want to act in a mean manner towards the other person.  Calm down and don’t act on your impulses.
• Envy to some extent can be healthy too – it can indicate what you really desire.  It can serve as a motivation for you to work towards it.
• First of all you need to feel good about yourself.  In your achievements and what you have already and the strengths that you possess. Make a gratitude journal.
• Don’t stew in the envy. Rather make a plan and take an action on it.  May be you will not get there today but you would have made a small step towards it.

14. How is jealousy treated clinically?

Normal jealousy:  If the jealousy is about a situation then the client is enabled to deal or cope with the situation. If it is a couple they are encouraged to talk about the situation and the feelings regarding the same including the insecurities and the jealousy in a non-accusatory manner and the other person encouraged to listen without becoming defensive.  This helps them understanding the underlying needs which they can commit to meet.  In therapy we facilitate the client to

• Understand the past history, past hurts or betrayal or anxious attachment styles
• Understand that the past does not need to determine the present. 
• Help them work on their self-esteem issues and the insecurities if any. CBT is used to help them understand their thoughts emotions and behavior and make appropriate changes

Pathological Jealousy –  are of two types – obsessive jealousy and delusional jealousy:

     People with obsessive jealousy suffer from unpleasant and irrational jealous thoughts about their partners real or perceived unfailthfuness – that they are not able to contol,  This may be accompanied by compulsive checking of partners’ behavior, trying to excessively control the partner etc.  They would know that their thoughts and behaviors are not normal. You would hear them say – this is not me, I don’t usually behave this way but I am not able to control it.  This is similar to OCD.  Obsessional Jealousy is treated with CBT and SSRI Medications – you need to see  a Psychiatrist and a psychotherapist as needed.

In delusional jealousy, the client has strong, but irrational belief that the partner is unfaithful irrespective of no proofs or proofs that they are faithful.  This can occur along with other psychiatric disorders  like Paraniod, schizophrenic or affective disorders  etc . They believe and accuse their partner of infidelity and continuously try to confirm their suspicions.  These attempts could be tortuous to the partner and the people around. Delusional Jealousy is treated with Anti psychotics – you need to see a Psychiatrist.