Why asking for help is very difficult.
Life is not a bed of roses. And it is inevitable that we face difficulties, problems, challenges in life. Some of which we will be able to handle, solve, sort, deal, cope by ourselves, which is great. But then there will always be other circumstances where we would need some kind of a support from others. It is in these circumstances that we face certain set of barriers, that doesn’t allow us to go from our problem situation towards a solution.
One particular barrier, among these, is the difficulty to ask for help. When you definitely need additional support from someone else and when you are not willing to ask for the requisite support, it is practically impossible for you to move forward and address the situation. You keep wallowing in the same problem, keep trying the same approaches which you have already tried, but expecting a new outcome.
4 reasons why asking for help is difficult.
1. Asking for help might make them see you as weak and incapable
You might have been taught in your childhood that it is better to rely on yourself then ask others for help. It would have created certain beliefs in you regarding asking for help and being helped by others. That only when you are weak and incapable you would end up asking for help and you will come across hence.
It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable, acknowledge that you need help and assistance in some way or form.
2. Fear of rejection – What if the other person says no
In your past experiences, situations where you had asked a person for help for assistance and that person perhaps was not able to help or said no to you. Your perception of their inability/ unwillingness is that they have rejected you or your request. And to avoid this pain of rejection, you would rather not ask for help.
It would help to consider the possibility that a person might have genuinely not been in a place to help you. And it is OK for someone else to say no to your request. And that is not a reflection on you as a person.
3. You may feel lesser or might feel that the other person becomes more powerful
You feel that when you take help from somebody the power equation with that person changes, and in the relationship the other person has now more power than you. This might make you feel that you are now smaller than the other person.
It is OK to feel gratitude towards a person who helps you, but that doesn’t mean the person gains power over you in every other walk of life. It might also make the other person feel that you respect them and value them.
4. You may be unsure of what they may expect back from you
You might wonder what the other person might expect from you in return for the help that you are seeking from them and what if you are not able to cater to those expectations.
The other person may or may not have expectations back from you, may be in the now or in the future. But it is up to you to decide whether these are reasonable and can be catered to or not appropriately.
When I see new clients at my office, I usually tell them that they have done one of the most difficult things and important things for them to progress forward, which is picking up the phone making an appointment and arriving at our office – which is seeking support.
But before seeing a counsellor or a therapist, there could be many people around you, be it your family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, others etc. It is OK for you to learn to approach the right people and seek help as appropriate.
It doesn’t decrease your value in any way, it enables you to collaborate with others, work together and move forward.
About the Author:
Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a professional counsellor she provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.