Will couple counselling help if there is abuse in the relationship?
Essentially, couple counselling will work for couples, who are willing to take responsibility for their own behaviors/actions, and for the role that they play in the challenges in the couple relationship.
In couple counselling the couple are encouraged to be honest and genuine in the sessions as well as outside the sessions. Couple counselling can help the partners identify their challenges in communication and work towards improving the same, to deal with conflicts in a healthy and adaptive manner, help deal/cope with any significant breach of trust, able to setup healthy boundaries, improve bonding and intimacy among the couple etc. The whole process is based upon respectful behavior towards each other, and being able to be vulnerable with each other.
One of the fundamental aspects that counselling provides is a safe environment for both partners to be able to open up with each other in the counselling sessions and be able to listen to their partner respectfully even if they are in disagreement. I tell my client couples, that it is not just the counsellor who provides the safe and non judgmental space for them, but it is also important for the couple to provide that safe space for each other. I explain it to them further – what it means is, there might be some topic that may be raised in the sessions by one of you. If you go back from here and start fighting about it, then this process may not be effective for you.
Having said this, when there is a couple who have ongoing significant abuse / violence between them, it becomes practically not possible, for them to provide the safe space for each other. When abuse and violence are used to gain power and control over the other, then there is no safe space there. The abuse is categorized as Intimate Terrorism. To exert power and control on their partner, the abuser may use different tactics including humiliation, threats, intimidation, blame, domination, isolation etc. Abuse could be emotional, psychological, financial, sexual etc.
It is very important to assess, very early in the couple counselling process, the level and extent of abuse in the relationship. If the counsellor feels that one of the partners is hesitant to talk about it, the counsellor might recommend individual sessions to make an assessment regarding the extent of abuse/violence in the relationship.
In couple therapy, one partner may open a particular topic and might share their point of view, feeling safe in the presence of the counsellor. If the other partner is abusive and does not like this disclosure, it can cause greater damage. When there is abuse in the relationship, this might aggravate the situation outside the counselling space and can result in more violence or abuse.
Many a times it is also seen that the partner who is being subjected to abuse/ violence might not see it as abuse. There could be multiple reasons for this. They might normalise the abusive behavior. They might not have awareness that this is abusive. They might hold beliefs that abuse is normal part of relationship, or they might blame themselves for the abusive behaviour etc.
Even if the client believes that abuse is normal, or self blames extensively, it is important from the therapist professional ethics, that there is no further damage is caused.
The non-maleficence principle of counselling profession means – do no harm. That means not causing harm to others and avoiding practices that have potential harm.
For this reason, when there is any ongoing abuse/violence or the severity/propensity is high when abuse and violence are used to gain power and control over the other, it is not recommended to see the couple together in couple counselling.
They may be referred for individual counselling sessions or directed to other support systems. The abusive partner may learn new skills on emotion regulation, work on underlying beliefs about power and violence and partner’s gender, empathy/respect, develop better behavioral skills etc.
The abused partner would be encouraged to work on their safety aspects, learn to tackle learned helpless if any, work on their self esteem, learn about the cycle of abuse, stop self blame, and also gain other social support systems.
There is another school of thought, where based on assessment of the abuse, the Counsellor might see them together as a couple – provided the following criteria are met. The abuse is categorized as situational couple violence.
1. It is infrequent, mild to moderate and non-controlling
2. The partner who had engaged in abuse is remorseful about it, is able to take a responsibility, and be willing to work upon it, is motivated to stop the abuse/violence and doesn’t blame the other partner
3. Abuse didn’t happen with the intent of control and power but was situational
4. Other forms of controlling behavior doesn’t exist
5. There are no risks to the both clients’ life or safety
6. The other partner who has faced abuse is not fearful of being in the relationship and attending sessions together
7. If abuse is mutual both are not fearful and are willing to take responsibility for their role
8. Other risk factors like substance abuse, history of violent crimes don’t exist
Hence if the counsellor wants to see the couple together, the assessment has to be fairly realistic and therapist needs to ensure that other damaging factors are absent in the couple relationship. Only experienced therapists would need to consider providing couples therapy given that all the risks are not known.
The therapist needs to be aware and assess the risk throughout the process irrespective of the initial assessment. If there is an escalation and recurrence of violence, then the therapist needs to change/revisit the approach accordingly to address the safety issues first.
About the Author:
Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a professional counsellor she provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.