You have been in therapy for a while and if you feel stuck and you not progressing for quite some time, what can you do about it? Therapy/counselling is a process and it takes time, effort and involvement. So don’t jump to this conclusion very quickly without going through the process.

1. Talk to your therapist about how you feel about therapy.

Talk to your therapist and bring it up.  Express how you feel about therapy and your therapist, even if you think it is not positive, there is value in expressing how you feel and processing it with your therapist. That itself could be a therapeutic process and might help you move forward.

You can discuss what works and what doesn’t for you, where you feel stuck and what do want from the therapy process.  Your therapist will take your concerns seriously without becoming defensive and perhaps could change their approach / pace and would openly discuss with you and collaborate to address your concerns.

2. Reflect on what is your level of involvement in the therapy process.

Therapy is an involved process.  It is a purposeful relationship that you and your therapist are voluntarily involved in, towards a defined outcome. Are you only discussing on and on about your problems? Therapy is a space where you seek change. Your therapist cannot make you change, its an internal process which can only be facilitated for you, with your consent.

It’s a good practice to reflect on, “What am I here for?  What am I willing to do to reach my defined purpose? What feelings emerge for me, when I think of change or moving forward?” This could be starting from doing the activity/homework that you agreed upon or reflection/introspection process or journaling and so on. Your therapist may gently explore with you if there are any payoffs (hidden benefits) for remaining where you are.

There might be unconscious ties to your current situation, behaviour, relationships which could be painful but familiar to you from your own past history.  Familiarity could be perceived unconsciously as safety and a change be seen as dangerous unknown territory. 

3. Are you able to be open and honest with your therapist?

How open and honest are you with your therapist? Do you feel safe and comfortable to talk to your therapist about anything about yourself or your experiences? Have you hidden or avoided discussing any important incidents or experiences which come up for you? Clients can experience guilt, shame in disclosing about certain aspects of their lives or about their childhood or their parents/loved ones.

These could have relevance to the current issue that you are facing. Is there something that is making you feel hesitant to share important details with your therapist?

Therapy is a collaborative process, and without your cooperation and full involvement, the therapist cannot facilitate the change that you are looking for.

4. If you have a clinical condition, you could consider medication.

If you are depressed or anxious and once a week therapy is not showing progress, you perhaps may need a different form of therapy or a clinical intervention or see a medical practitioner.  Your therapist could possibly recommend you to see a qualified psychiatrist or provide a referral too.  If needed you can also request for / your therapist also could recommend a change in the frequency of your therapy sessions.

If you meet with a psychiatrist and are prescribed medications, it is your responsibility to stay on medication be in regular contact with your psychiatrist as advised. Medication in conjunction with therapy could help you progress forward.

5. You can also look for another therapist. 

If still things don’t work you can talk to your therapist and close the process and find yourself a new therapist. Sometimes there could be specific personality aspects between the client and therapist that may not allow for a good therapeutic alliance to develop. Your therapist may be able to provide you an appropriate referral suitable for you. Do not drop off from therapy abruptly without discussing about it with your therapist.  I contract with my clients to have a discussion with me if they choose to terminate therapy before the agreed upon goals are met or for any other reasons whatsoever.

Before arriving at that decision of looking for a new therapist, do reflect on how many therapists have you changed till now.  If the answer is many, then that is an important aspect to reflect and work through. Another therapist in a long list of therapists will not help unless this is addressed.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in.

The post 5 things to do if you think therapy is not working for you first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Therapy is a safe space for you to explore your life situation, the challenges that you are facing, your emotions, your thought process and how you respond to situations by facilitating the healing process.  In this process you may also explore deeper emotions, past challenges, difficulties, learnings, trauma etc from earlier in your life.

The overall purpose of psychotherapy is for you to move towards your own goals, towards healing, towards growth.  Having said that it is not an easy process and it may not be pleasant at all times.

Initially when you start therapy you would have a chance to talk openly about the things that are troubling you / bothering you.  With the therapist’s attuned presence and listening you will feel understood and you might feel unburdened and better.

It is also possible that you may feel like stopping therapy at that time.  But it is not recommended because sooner or later you will find the same feelings resurfacing, same issues coming back again, unless they are processed, resolved and addressed.

Why is emotional processing of past experiences towards healing in therapy painful?

Sometimes you may have repressed painful / traumatic experiences and corresponding emotions deep in your mind which may surface now and then, impacting you in an adverse manner – in terms of how you are affected by events or how you respond to situations etc. This could be one reasons why you may have sought therapy in the first place.

These painful emotions / experiences which you may have repressed (that may have been left unprocessed from earlier), may get uncovered in therapy and you might have an opportunity to process them in a safe setting in the therapist’s warm presence.

Healing process of a deep wound

As a therapist, I use many metaphors to bring in clarity in the process of therapy at multiple points. Let me share one here.  Imagine that you have a deep wound in your leg which happened a while back.  But it hasn’t healed completely.  At the surface level the skin has healed but deep within the wound remains.  So, any time you put some weight on that leg you would wince in pain. Though you manage to limp around and do your regular activities, but for sure you can’t run a marathon with that leg. And any time that you walk around you also need to be careful not to bump that leg against any other furniture or object for fear of having to experience sharp pain in that leg.

When you finally decide to go to see your doctor about it, the doctor would investigate, perhaps touch around the location of your wound and check your pain response, and might suggest a deeper investigation by opening it up.

Only when it is opened up the doctor might be able to see whether the wound is infected or whether it needs any cleaning or disinfecting etc.  The doctor would give you a local anaesthetic, open up the wound, clean it and perhaps do a dressing and send you back home. 

Back home the effect of the anaesthetic wears off and you are now in a lot more pain than what you were used to, limping around the house.  Before the healing starts the pain might get worse. You might need multiple rounds of dressing before the pain start subsiding and the healing process starts.

Emotional wounds are similar in nature. In therapy old wounds might get opened up and you may feel worse in comparison to how you felt before therapy.  You may have to work on that emotional wound, to talk about it, re-experience it, process it multiple times before the healing process starts. The therapist offers you a non-judgemental safe space, a holding presence, facilitates awareness and expression. The process may vary depending upon your therapist and their modality of working. Some wounds may heal sooner and some may need more time. It is key to stay with the process.

I usually offer this metaphor to my clients and ask them who they think is the doctor in the given scenario.  And usually, they assume that the therapist plays the role of the doctor.  And I tell them, No. You are the author and expert in your life. And you will need to play the doctor. As a therapist I facilitate the process but the work is done by you. I may bring in my understanding of psychology, human behaviour, methodologies, frameworks, tools etc, but the effort, decision and action comes from you the client.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in.

The post Why is the healing process in therapy painful? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Blaming the other person for any problem is easily understood as different from taking responsibility.  The difference is simple and clear. Having said that, many a times we blame ourselves and we assume that we are taking responsibility. Self-blame is very different from taking responsibility.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself to understand how much you blame or criticize your own self.

1. What’s your immediate thought or inner voice you hear when you make a mistake? 

Neeta was rushing with her father to attend a friend’s marriage because she was late. On top of that she forgot to take the gift from her home, which she realized 10 minutes after leaving the house.  They had to drive back home to pick up the gift.  She was furious with herself, and couldn’t stop telling herself how stupid she was, to have forgotten the gift.  Neeta had a pattern of forgetting important things when she was travelling.

2. What do you tell yourself in a difficult situation that is beyond your control?

Raj’s father had a heart attack and was admitted to the hospital. Raj couldn’t stop blaming himself or not having him get a health check-up earlier and that he should have seen this coming and that he was a bad son to have let this happen.

3. Do you blame yourself for the other person’s behaviour or even emotions?

Ajay came home from the office in a bad mood.  And he has a tendency and history of violent behaviour. His three year old daughter wanted him to play with her and hence kept asking him so. He became very angry shouted at his daughter and stormed out of the house. Shweta his wife blamed herself for not stopping her daughter.

4. Do you blame yourself to do nothing about the situation?

Rakesh again forgot to buy medicines for Deepa. When Deepa got upset about it, he blamed himself saying I am such a lousy person and what can I do about it? I am so bad a person that your life is getting spoilt with me.  Deepa had to console him and convince him that he is not a bad person.

Blaming self doesn’t result in solving the issue at hand

If you look at each of these scenarios, the action of blaming themselves didn’t result or contribute in solving the issue at hand, it made them feel worse and disempowered. The situation remained the same or became worse.

In the scenarios listed above, how would it be if they were to take responsibility instead of self-blame.

Neeta reflects on why she forgets important things especially when she was travelling. She decides to make a list of things to take whenever she travels. She also decides to ensure that she is ready to leave 10 minutes in advance. And check the list she made to ensure that forgetting things doesn’t happen again.

Raj takes good care of his father.  He accepts that there are things that are inevitable and will happen.  He ensures that his father gets the best of care and schedules regular check-ups going forward.

Shweta realizes that Ajay’s violent behaviour, shouting etc are abusive in nature.  She confronts him and tells him that she will leave him with her daughter if he doesn’t mend his ways and stops the abuse. She asserts herself and takes the support of her friend a lawyer to get protection for herself and her daughter.

Deepa doesn’t console Rakesh but tells him that if he really feels remorse for forgetting her medicines, the he should learn to not forget them and do what he promises to do.  She refuses to buy his “poor me” story and holds him accountable.  Rakesh realizes that he cannot escape his responsibilities by self-blame and that it would not be bought by Deepa.

Though self blame and responsibility might seem similar they are as different as chalk and cheese. 

Taking responsibility is a process of personal growth and accounting for one’s own self, others and the situation. Self blame or other blame is a process of discounting self or the other respectively and leads to stagnation in life.

Counselling or therapy could be a safe space for you to move from a space of self-blame to taking responsibility. The therapist could gently facilitate your awareness as to how it came to be this way and to explore ways of effecting the shift towards a more aware and empowered life.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in.

The post How is self-blame different from taking responsibility? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Therapy is a purposeful process that is geared towards the growth of the client.  Therapeutic Relationship is a warm, caring and trust based bond between the client and therapist is critical. How do you feel about therapy, and your therapist are some of the key the components of the therapeutic process.

Many a times you might talk about your feelings in the therapy process about things that happens in your own life and circumstances. The Therapist would actively listen to you with empathy and ask appropriate questions or provide relevant information or invite a reflection as needed.

There might also be times when you as the client might have felt angry or upset with your therapist. This could be about what therapist said / did or didn’t say or didn’t do.  Sometimes you might experience such feelings without any apparent reasons as well. There also might be times when you may have felt frustrated with the way the therapy process is proceeding.  What do you do with these feelings? 

It is important that you talk to your therapist about these feelings that might arise now and then about the therapist or the process itself as part of the therapy process.

I usually contract with my clients that even if they feel any unpleasant or uncomfortable feelings, towards me or the process, they would come back and talk to me, share with me, and to process those feelings in the therapy session.

It is common and normal that some of the issues that you experience in your life can, at some point of time, manifest in the therapy setting with your therapist.  When you are able to talk about it with your therapist, you might get a new understanding of where it is coming from, make new meaning out of it and it is also possible to have a new experience in the therapeutic relationship which could lead to healing or growth.

Meghana (Client name changed for confidentiality) came into therapy with a complaint that she is not able to maintain good relationships both in her work space and personal life. She believed that she is taken for granted by everyone around her and at some point of time when she is unable to take it anymore she completely breaks away by quitting.

After a period of time in therapy, though she was making progress in certain areas, she also complained of having difficulty sleeping, and there were no other apparent reasons for this discomfort.  When I explored our relationship in a session, and encouraged her to talk about how she felt about me the therapist and the process, she expressed her anger towards me, regarding certain statements that I had made, which she had kept bottled up within her. 

I listened to her completely, acknowledged her emotions, and we processed this new experience of expressing even difficult emotions in a relationship.  Her pattern of keeping her emotions bottled up till the day it bursts open was interrupted in this relationship, giving her a new experience of expressing her anger and frustration and still being accepted and acknowledged.

On exploring further we found that she would bottle up her emotions and anger towards mother during her childhood over a period of time and would burst out at some point of time in tears or in a tantrum for which she was reprimanded which made her bottle up even more.  It is this childhood experience which was manifesting in different contexts in her life and in her relationship with the therapist as well. The new experience gave her the confidence and awareness of a choice that she does have an option of expressing herself in better and healthier ways and that her relationships would survive.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential – face to face Counselling in Bangalore including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling in Bangalore and Online Counselling over video calls for others residing outside Bangalore and abroad.

Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in.

The post How do you feel about therapy and your therapist? Do you discuss that with your therapist? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.