In today’s fast-changing relationship landscape, love alone no longer feels like enough. Across Indian cities, a quiet yet powerful shift is unfolding, more individuals and couples are seeking guidance from professionals, choosing premarital counselling before marital commitment, and as a deliberate step toward healthier, stronger relationships.  And the reasons are both cultural and psychological.

Inner Dawn counsellor Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured in Deccan Herald on 21 January 2026.

https://www.deccanherald.com/lifestyle/spike-in-premarital-counselling-3869069

According to a recent Deccan Herald article, therapists in Bengaluru are witnessing a steady increase in demand for premarital counselling from couples, live-in partners, and individuals preparing for first or second marriages who are seeking relationship guidance, either before tying the knot or to resolve issues in their relationships.

Why Is Premarital Counselling Gaining Popularity?

More people are realising that marriage is not just a romantic decision, but a psychological, emotional and practical partnership.  But this involves other important conversations and agreements on different topics like money, boundaries, future plans, having children, family involvement, etc. Clients seek the support of the counsellor to facilitate these conversations.

Some key reasons behind this rise include:

• Growing awareness about mental health
• Reduced stigma around therapy
• Increased divorce rates prompting prevention over repair
• Diminishing support from family and friends
• Second marriages bring emotional, financial, and family complexities
• Couples wanting deeper compatibility before commitment

Premarital counselling is no longer seen just as a “problem-solving” tool, but also as a way to strengthen relationships and prepare for the relationship responsibilities.

Who can benefit from this process?

Most folks who seek premarital counselling are between 25 and 35 years, though a growing number of individuals in their 40s and beyond are also reaching out, especially those entering second marriages.

This includes:

• Couples who are in a relationship and considering a live-in or marriage
• Live-in partners who may or may not be planning for marriage
• Engaged couples in a love marriage or arranged marriage setting
• Individuals who are considering marriage but are feeling unsure or unclear about it
• Individuals and couples preparing to remarry  

For many, this is about not repeating old patterns and building something healthier this time around.

What Happens in Premarital Counselling?

It is important to get into a marital relationship with expectations that are reasonable and an understanding of what the marital relationship means to both partners.  Lack of knowledge about what marriage entails, the responsibilities that need to be managed, may result in disillusionment and failure of the marital relationship itself. Premarital counselling provides a safe space to explore:

• Communication styles and emotional needs
• Conflict patterns and repair strategies
• Financial beliefs and lifestyle expectations
• Family roles, day-to-day sharing of responsibilities
• Intimacy, trust, and long-term goals
• Conversations around difficult topics like money, boundaries, etc.

Rather than avoiding difficult conversations, couples learn how to have them safely before stress and misunderstandings take root.

How can it help Especially for Second Marriages

Second marriages often carry unspoken fears, past wounds, blended family concerns, and financial complexities. Especially when there are children, co-parenting, visitations involved, etc., there will be a need for continued contact with the ex-spouse/ex-partner, which can create insecurities in the new relationship. Premarital Counselling helps individuals heal unresolved emotional baggage, build trust at a realistic pace, clarify expectations and boundaries, and prevent repeating old relationship scripts.  Instead of “hoping this time will be different,” premarital counselling helps make it intentionally different.

Is Premarital Counselling Right for You?

Marriage is no longer just about tradition or timing. It is about emotional readiness, shared values, and conscious choice. Premarital counselling offers couples a way to step into commitment with clarity rather than confusion. The rise in premarital counselling is not a sign that relationships are weaker; it is proof that people are choosing to be wiser.

• You may benefit from pre-marital counselling if you
• Want deeper emotional understanding of yourself and your partner
• Struggle to communicate during conflict
• Feel unsure about long-term compatibility
• Are entering a second marriage
• Unsure of commitment/marriage/relationship expectations

Think of premarital counselling as a relationship fitness plan. If you are planning to marry, whether for the first or second time, consider premarital counselling as a meaningful first step.

Because love is the beginning. Understanding and growing together is what sustains it.

The post Premarital Counselling, need of the hour in India first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Many of my couple clients ask me whether an affair or infidelity mean the end of the marriage or relationship.

Understanding what is an affair

First we need to understand what is considered an affair and what is not.  A lot depends upon what is the definition of boundaries for the relationship as agreed upon by the partners in the relationship.

The relationship or marriage itself could be a monogamous, or a poly relationship, or an open relationship.  I will make another video to explain the different types of relationships soon.

Irrespective of what kind of relationship it is, it is bound by a set of boundaries or rules or understanding between the partners as to what is acceptable and what is not acceptable for their relationship.  You will see me use the term marriage or relationship interchangeably.

Some examples.

• Staying in touch with an ex maybe acceptable for one couple but may not be for another.
• Or texting a colleague might be okay at 8 p.m. But may not be okay at 12 in the night. The time of messaging, content of messages, and the volume of messages exchanged may all be factors in what is ok and what is not ok for the couple
• The extent of physical closeness with a friend that is acceptable will vary from couple to couple.
• The level of emotional sharing and emotionally intense relationships with others that is acceptable will vary for each couple.

Couples usually don’t sit down and talk about what is okay and what is not okay and they may not make a list of these things. It is a continuous process of understanding each other, understanding what is comfortable or uncomfortable, what is a definite no-no for your partner and yourself and handling your boundaries accordingly.

Having said that what to do when there is a boundary violation like an affair. It might help to have an understanding of the different types of affairs.

Affairs can be of many types.

Sexual affair

This is a purely physical/ sexual encounter or encounters that one has with the same person or different persons. There is a lack of emotional involvement or attachment initially. When there is more sexual environment with the same person emotional involvement could increase.

Romantic affair

There is a sense of emotional closeness, sharing and attachment with the other and a sense of sexual attraction or sexual intimacy with other person. This kind of affair can also be seen as falling in love with someone else.

Emotional affair

There may not be any sexual attraction here but a lot of emotional intimacy, sharing and support. What initially could start as emotional closeness with another person can overtime develop into sexual feelings and could become a romantic relationship as well.

Online / Cyber affair

Today everything is available at the touch of a button. And online or cyber affairs can start from chats, video calls, emails etc. This can be with a known person or an unknown person. The people involved might never meet or could meet. An online affair could involve any activities of flirting, emotional sharing/intimacy, online sex etc. If the people meet up, this could become a sexual or romantic affair.  

Some Common aspects in any kind of affair

• There is a sense of secrecy / hiding / lying about what is going on with the partner.
• It takes away energy from the relationship / marriage.
• The partner who is being cheated upon is / would be uncomfortable/ does not like what is going on.
• The partner engaging in the affair gets more and more involved with other person(s).

Couples with a problem of infidelity in the relationship, come into therapy when the partner who got cheated upon somehow gets to know about the affair. And it is common that the partner who was involved in the affair believed that, their partner would not get to know about it.  And perhaps believed that what they don’t know cannot hurt them.

Let me clear this myth about affairs right here. Irrespective of whether your partner knows about the affair or not, it is already hurting your relationship, there by hurting your partner. When you are disengaged, when your focus is elsewhere outside the relationship, you are unavailable for your partner in ways that are healthy for the relationship.

So let us say that the affair is not secret anymore, and the other partner knows about it. What now?

Some of the common reactions when an affair comes to light

The partner who had an affair denies it  or covers it up, with more lies and partial truths. The challenge here is that the lies and partial stores will get uncovered soon or later. The breach of trust from the affair would become now manifold with the slew of lies that are used to cover it up.

Partners blame each other and other problems in the marriage as reasons for the affair. I usually tell my couple clients that that could be many problems in the marriage that might have let to the affair, but doesn’t justify it.

Or the couple may choose to not talk about it, ignore it completely, push it under the carpet, continue with their lives, pretending that it never happened. The challenge is, it will surface in the relationship in unconscious ways through indirect accusations, distrust and insecurity.

Another possibility is that one partner walks out of the relationship, and they may choose to end the relationship.

Having said that – Let us say the couple wants to address their issues and the affair related impact on their relationship, they could seek couple therapy. 

Let me tell you that it is possible for the couple to work through this challenge and even strengthen the relationship, provided the following aspects are in place, and they are willing to put in the effort.

1. Both partners value the marriage/relationship – and want to make it work.  It is possible that one partner wants the marriage and other partner may still be undecided about whether they want to work on it or not. Over time as they have conversations with each other if both choose to stay in the marriage and work on it, then it is possible to work through the damages caused by the affair.
2. Both partners agree for transparency and honesty in the relationship and the willingness to rebuild trust in the relationship overtime. The therapist would facilitate open and honest conversations are towards this.
3. The partner who has had the affair takes responsibility for it and acknowledge the hurt caused to the other partner by their actions.
4. Both partners openly discuss and agree upon clear and acceptable boundaries for their relationship and for their personal spaces /activities.
5. The couple also would be encouraged to look at underlying relationship challenges and make necessary changes to cater to each other’s reasonable needs and actively engage with each other in a respectful manner.

Summary

An affair need not mean the end of the marriage or relationship. Having said that, breaking of trust takes a single moment.  Rebuilding takes time.  It would take time and commitment from both partners to heal the relationship wounds, to rebuild trust between each other and address other underlying challenges in the relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

The post Does infidelity mean the end of the marriage or relationship? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Manipulation can happen in any relationship but it is significantly damaging when it happens between partners. More often than not if interacting with the other person makes you feel shame, guilt, or accused, emotionally exhausted, or doubting your own reality then perhaps you could be getting manipulated. Over time this builds resentment in the relationship.

The person who manipulates would make you feel these so that they can get their way, to get their needs met or to feel good about themselves. It is possible that they may not be aware of or not used to healthy ways of getting their needs met. But that does not lessen the damage being caused to the relationship.

It is important to recognise manipulation at the earliest and address it, without which overtime there is a high risk of escalation of this behaviour which could become abuse in your relationship.

I am Kala Balasubramanian, counselling psychologist and relationship therapist, and in this video, I am going to talk about five signs of emotional manipulation in relationships. And if they are detected early and address adequately, it can save you from tons of heartache and pain in your relationship.

1. Are you watching your step all the time?

Do you feel apprehensive and gingerly when you interact with your partner? Do you feel that you have to be on guard to not upset or anger your partner? Do you often keep scanning the horizon for the next blow up to happen?

This takes up so much of your energy that you could feel drained out keeping yourself out of trouble. This can make you feel very and sure of saying anything or thinking hundred times before you bring up anything significant.

2. Does your partner say something but later on outright deny it?

The first step to address the problem is to acknowledge that there is a problem if your partner claims that there is no problem at all how do you collaborate with them to address the impact of it? Or does your partner say something or promised something and then out right denies it later on – saying I never said it or I don’t remember saying it.  

It is possible that this might make you second guess yourself, and question your own memory or your version of how things happened and doubt your own self. Gaslighting can start like this and if left unaddressed can become more severe and more damaging

3. Does your partner guilt trip you into doing things or to agree with them?

Does your partner repeatedly keep bringing up your mistakes or keep faulting you about things which happened recently as well as in the past to make you feel guilty? And you see that when that happens you end up agreeing to them or doing what they want you to do rather than to stay with your stance.

They might say “if you love me then you would do this”. Or using global statement like “you never really cared for me or cared for my preferences ever” or “you have always been resentful of my parents” or to outright accuse you as “How can you be so selfish? When you know I am already going through so much, how can you bring this issue up” etc, triggering you to prove it to them that what they are saying is wrong, or to drop the issue at hand or to defend yourself that you are not such a bad person after all the way they portray you to be.

4. Does most of your conversations move into blaming or accusing or badgering you into submission? 

Do you feel that a lot of your conversations go on and on and on without any real attempt at listening to each other understanding each other’s point of view? That you feel exasperated and that usually results in you giving up or just agreeing to what your partner wants or taking up the blame or accusation on yourself and apologizing, perhaps just to end the conversation?

It is also possible that whenever you have a problem or bring up an issue with your partner, somehow the conversation gets turned around and you end up being blamed an accused back. What you brought on the table doesn’t get addressed but you end up defending yourself are having to explain yourself or your actions. So there is no problem solving possible over here.

5. Does your partner apologize but keep doing the same thing over and over again?

Ok Let us say, somehow you have managed to explain your challenge in such a way that your partner finally understands it and apologises for it. But then over time you find that – that apology does not hold any value because they keep doing the same thing over and over again. And if you bring it up again it is highly likely that it may get ignored or brushed away or minimised in terms of its impact.

Over time you start feeling that there is no point in bringing up these issues to your partner when there is no active collaborative problem solving. Either you end up blaming your own self or taking responsibility for things which you are not responsible for. As resentment builds communication breakdown and conflicts escalate.

I am aware that it is not a pretty picture that I am painting over here. But this is a sad reality for many couples. Having said that it is possible to break this pattern before it becomes either abusive or irretrievable. In my next video I will talk about a few ways to dismantle this pattern.  But if you’re facing significant distress then you can seek professional help, couple therapy or if your partner is not willing then you can seek therapy for yourself to explore the possibility of addressing your challenge.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post 5 Signs of Manipulation in Your Relationship first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

In a relationship and still feeling lonely? 4 steps to take to address this loneliness in your relationship and feel connected with each other.

So many couples come into therapy saying that they feel lonely in the relationship. They complain that there are no conversations happening between them. That they don’t feel the connection between each other, are not able to be there emotionally for each other, and it leads to them feeling more lonely and frustration, which shows up as
escalating conflicts, pulling them even more apart from each other.

Some couples might have some major unresolved issues or some other crisis that they are facing, which need to be addressed and resolved before they can feel connected to each other again. But if there are no major crises involved, it is possible to take simple steps to reconnect with each other.

1. Remember – You chose each other as your partner.

In couple therapy, typically when I start to work with a couple, one of the first things that I encourage them to do is to reminisce
and express why they chose Each Other as their life partner. You would have seen something in each other that made you feel some attraction and led you to a decision to choose each other as your life partner. Or to think about the early part of the relationship, when you would have come to know some good things about each other. Expressing this to each other creates a nice cushion from feeling lonely and brings back some fond memories for the couple.

2. Ask yourself if you are taking your partner for granted

When you are in a relationship, this is a very important question to ask yourself.  Taking each other for granted can strip away all the positivity, leaving only the negative, difficult, and conflicting aspects of the relationship in your thoughts and memory. Look for positive traits and even small or big things that your partner does, by themselves or for you. Take an interest in what your partner’s day has been like, what they are working on, and their challenges. Say thank you for the small and big things or daily things that they do for you. And ask yourself, do I truly acknowledge these positive aspects and contributions that my partner brings to the table? If the answer is NO, then start acknowledging and appreciating your partner now.

3. Engaging in more positive acts with each other consciously

If you are a working professional, isn’t it normal that you spend a lot of time, effort and energy to maintain a good impression and be in the good books of your management and colleagues? In the same note, I would encourage you to also consider your relationship as equally important. Both of you need to be in each other’s good books by being genuine, open, honest, respectful, caring and loving with each other.

Spend quality time with each other. Talk to each other. Conversations can be about your childhood, dreams, aspirations, experiences, lessons learnt in life etc.

Identify common areas of interest and engage in activities together. Touch also could be a powerful way of showing care and
love. Touch is not just sex, but includes non sexual touch like holding hands, hugging, kissing, cuddling, holding each other, etc. Non sexual touch and closeness can lead to sex, but not necessarily. I will perhaps make another video on this topic of intimacy. So, your relationship deserves attention, importance and care as well. Make an attempt to engage in positive activities with and for each other and create pleasant memories with each other.

4. Be kind to yourself and your partner

We all have this critical voice inside, that could criticise both ourselves as well as the other person moment there is a problem or fault or mistake involved. And do a check, if you have the tendency to jump on any small mistakes, point out and criticise your partner at the earliest possible opportunity. Or do you have the habit of collecting and remembering all the faults or mistakes that your partner made, that you bring up at a later date, perhaps in a conflict? It is important to quieten the critical voice inside both towards yourself as well as people around you. You can try to replace it with more kind and compassionate words and voice. With this, you learn to appreciate your own self as well as the people around you.

There are so many ways to feel less lonely and more connected. Here is a starting point in your endeavour to better your relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post Are you in a Relationship and Still Feeling Lonely? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Planning to get married or maybe you are already married? Or are you in a committed long-term relationship and planning to live together?  Here are 5 critical topics that you could have conversations about with your partner that can directly impact your relationship. What are these critical topics for couple conversations?

So what do you generally talk about? Do you talk about what you both like, dislike, movies, other regular stuff? That is good too.  But it is important to have conversations on the following topics, if you haven’t done yet and be on the same page. There is no one right way of doing things in these areas. Both of you can find ways that work for the both of you.

As a relationship counsellor I usually facilitate discussions between the couple as part of pre-marital counselling / couple counselling on these topics that are important for a stable relationship, of course as per their needs. When both of you are not on the same page, or kind of agree on your differences, these can create significant challenges downstream in your relationship.

1. Talk Finances – Money:

Talking money or finances is something which many couples find sticky or tricky or difficult or talk about. This is a very significant topic where that could be many differences which can come about and rock your relationship.

How much do each of you earn? What if one partner not planning to earn? How would you spend on household expenses? What expenses are considered extravagant and what are considered necessary? Do either of you have any debt? What are your average monthly expenses till now? What is your attitude towards spending and saving? How will investments etc be done? 

2. Share and discuss your core values:

It is important for couples to have some shared core values between them. If your Values are completely different from each other and if you are unable to reconcile, it may feel like living with some one that you can’t relate to.

What do you consider as your core values? Which one of those are non-negotiable for you? This could be about honesty, transparency, respect, trust, equality, sex, family interactions/ responsibilities, parenting, ethics etc.  This could also be about religion, religious practices and other key beliefs regarding political views, race, discrimination etc that you hold.

How will significant decisions be made between the two of you and what kind of an agreement is necessary for these decisions?  Who else would be involved in these decisions? What happens if either of you disagrees?

3. Plans for children:

Do not shy away from talking about children. Typically this is one of the non-negotiables. A disagreement on this can damage or break your relationship.

Talk about your plans regarding children. If you plan to have, then talk about when, how many and if not, the reasons why. In most families there will be pressure to have children, perhaps at earliest. How would you communicate your plans to your families if you need to? If you don’t plan to have children for a while, then how would you plan for that? Who would take responsibility for contraception?

What kind of parenting approach have you experienced in your childhood and what kind of parents would you like to your child to have? What could be the level of influence/support of extended family on child rearing? What level of involvement would you want yourself and your partner to have in parenting?

4. House hold responsibilities:

The topic of household responsibilities become the day-to-day issue for many couples once they start living together. It is better to have clear communication regarding this upfront, rather than being dissatisfied or built resentments over time.

How would you share the house hold responsibilities and chores?  Are you both looking for an equitable distribution or not?  How were things done in your own family of origin in your childhood? Would sharing of house hold responsibilities change or vary based on changes in employment or child rearing etc?

5. Boundaries, space and what is not acceptable:

It is important to have boundaries for your relationship and to be on the same page regarding what can be shared with others and what can’t be. The term boundaries may seem restrictive in a true sense it is a permeable protection for your relationship. Like a house having walls but also those with locks on it, you can let people in when you want to and when you prefer to and not otherwise.

What do you see as private and what is not? When and where do you need space for yourself too? What do you see as fidelity, what is considered ok or not ok for each of you? Can you agree on these terms?

Of course, these are just top 5 in my opinion. There could be many more. And none of these are written in stone and could change over a period of time as you both grow as individuals and as a couple.  Then they would need to be talked about and renegotiated to arrive at a revised understanding and agreement.

If your conversations are not giving you clarity, you can seek professional support and seek pre-marital counselling / couple counselling, a safe space to express yourself and to understand your partner.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

The post 5 Critical topics for Couple Conversations first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Lying.  One of the common behaviours that we all engage in, somewhere or the other. We may lie about our whereabouts, or saying we will reach in 10 minutes when we know it will take half an hour, we may say that we are not well to take leave at work.  We tell these lies and we assume them to be innocuous. Are there lies in your relationship?  Can you assume them to be innocuous or does it damage the relationship over time? Is it possible to recover from the damage caused by lying to your relationship?

One of my favourite sayings on this topic is
“The greatest advantage in speaking the truth is that you don’t have to remember what you said”

Before addressing the impact of lying on relationships, let us first look at what all would be lying.

– Omitting any piece of information deliberately – a partial truth or a partial lie.
– Hiding something or offering white lies assuming that what your partner does not know would not hurt them.
– Avoiding answers, or offering vague answers to avoid telling the truth.
– To defend yourself or to protect, you may be saying an outright lie.
– Lying could be about small little things are big things in life, but over time they do tend to pile up.

What happens when you lie your partner? Can you assume them to be innocuous or does it damage the relationship over time?  Let us find out.

1. Lying damages the trust in the relationship:

Trust is one of the fundamental pillars of a relationship. When you have been lying to your partner, you might do it assuming it will not be found or that it is too small etc. Trust me, lies will always found by your partner sooner or later. It can make them feel insecure and it would make them unsure about what to believe in and what not to. You may end up sowing the seeds of suspicion in your partner, that they may feel confused about anything important that you ever said was ever true. 

2. Lying does hurt both of you.

Many may justify that, what their partner doesn’t know wouldn’t hurt them. That’s a myth. Lying hurts both you and your partner. Your partner might feel devalued, unimportant and feel hurt. More time that passes, more can be the hurt caused.  And even if your partner hasn’t found out about it yet, you would still know that you lied, that could have a impact on your relationship, in terms of your openness and honesty and involvement in the relationship. It impacts your integrity and your sense of self.

Your partner knows even if they haven’t caught you or confronted you yet. When you are in intimate relationship your partner knows you deeply. They will know that something is off. This can pass them to withdraw or become suspicious. It can also impact your partner’s sense of worth in the relationship.

3. Lying creates a vicious cycle trapping you in a maze of lies:

And when you lie about one thing, you will end up lying for the more to cover it up. And lies have a geometric progression. That means to hide one you might have to say two, three or more lies. And to hide each one of them, you might have to tell two, three or more lies. And you will end up with a big pile of lies on other words a big pile of mess. This can make it a habit and you could get caught in this vicious cycle. You might end up feeling trapped in it, unable to get out of it with out damaging yourself, your partner and your relationship. Some times when you tell a lie repeatedly, you might also end up convincing yourself that it is the truth blurring the lines between truth and lie for you.

Is it possible to recover from the damage caused by lying to your relationship?

The answer is yes. It is possible to recover from the damage and re-build the relationship, provided both parties are willing to put in the effort required as needed.  This will require commitment to take full ownership of your past lies without any blaming or shifting of blame on the other or on the situation. The partner who has been lying will need to take the primary responsibility for honesty and accountability to rebuild trust in the relationship. This could mean, apologizing or explaining with out justifying your actions. To hear out the aggrieved partner offer validation and empathy. To learn from the past and commit to openness honesty ad transparency going forward. Of course the other partner also needs to be willing to look at their own contribution to the problem at hand, and allow for trust to be rebuilt.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post How does lying impact your relationship? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

When couples come in for therapy, or even individuals who want to work on their relationship, one of the key things that we discuss and try to understand is what is their definition of a relationship. What are the components or what I call as pillars of relationship?  Many Couples are surprised to realize that the definition of relationship is very different from each other.

Let me share the framework that I usually offer to clients, a set of pillars that need to be strong to support a healthy relationship.  When even one of these pillars are damaged it does shakeup the relationship impacting its stability. Curious to know what these pillars are?

These pillars are  
1. Commitment
2. Trust
3. Respect
4. Communication

Let’s jump right in, and talk about each one of them in detail. 

The first Pillar is Commitment. Commitment has four layers.

1a. Legal commitment: When a couple get married it is a legally documented or legally valid relationship that is also a legal contract. Here both the partners get specific rights and responsibilities, and if they want to get separated, they may need to go through legally valid process or legal process to get divorced.

1b. Social commitment: If you are committed to each other or when you live together, you also take up a social commitment to present yourself as a couple. You may need to interact with each other families, and friends.  If you have children, you take up parental responsibilities etc

1c. Emotional and Support commitment: Here you commit to address each other’s reasonable needs, which includes love, affection, care, concern, support and so on.  Be there for each other physically, mentally, emotionally, financially in good times and bad times, take care of each other, share responsibilities etc. It is also a commitment to not seek or offer this kind of support outside of the relationship that makes your partner uncomfortable or without your partner’s consent.  What is ok or not ok for your relationship, that is, what are the boundaries of your relationship is something that is defined by the two of you.  

1d. Sexual commitment: To address each other reasonable sexual needs and to commit not to look for sexual experiences outside the relationship, with your partner’s consent if you are in a monogamous relationship.  If you are in an ethical not-monogamous relationship, then the commitment is to stick to the agreed upon rules of your relationship.

The second pillar is trust: 

It is said that it takes years to build trust but a moment to break it and forever to rebuild. To build trust it is important that both partners remain open and honest with each other. Trust also means keeping your words and promises, sticking to your commitments and taking action accordingly, not making tall promises and renege on it. Being consistent with what you do and what you believe in. Saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Being honest about your emotions, admitting to your mistakes and not repeating it and so on.

Many people think that, sharing partial information, withholding or telling White Lies which in their opinion doesn’t hurt the other person etc doesn’t damage the relationship, but it does. Maybe I will do a different video focusing on this topic, but when there are many lies being told, and subsequently your partner will figure it out. And they will not be able to trust if anything that you tell is true or ever told was truth.

The third pillar is Respect: 

Without respect there is no real relationship, when you respect your partner, there is space for them to be who they are, to hold and express their opinions and preferences even if they are different from yours.  To respect each other’s values and beliefs. That both of you know that you would consider each other choices, preferences, comfort levels, discuss with each other and arrive at a consensus for any significant decisions. Respect also could be about valuing each other, valuing what you do, valuing what each other does for the relationship. It is also about talking and interacting with each other’s families respectfully etc.  It also means staying away from disrespectful behaviour like physical violence or emotional abuse, putdowns, insults, name calling, sarcasm, manipulation etc.  Respect means, you both feel safe in each other’s presence, to be who you are and feel accepted by your partner.

The fourth pillar is Effective Communication:

Effective communication is the pillar that enables the other pillars to stay strong. The damage to a relationship first show up in this pillar as communication breakdown. Couples need to be able to communicate positively about how they appreciate each other value each other, how they are important to each other, and how they rely and are interdependent on each other. Couples also need to be able to have difficult communications (have a conflict) but still be able to convey their point of view to each other and understand each other point of views and arrive at a resolution. To be able to clarify misunderstandings, take responsibility for one’s own actions and inactions and apologize if needed. Couples also need to able to understand one’s own emotions, then each other’s emotions and be able to empathize with each other in order address each other’s needs.   

So we talked about the 4 pillars of a relationship.  Commitment, Trust, Respect and Communication.

Remember your relationship is like the house that you build on top of these pillars.  The pillars are somewhere connected to each other. So when there is damage in one it will result in some damage and the others also, and damage when it is left unaddressed for long can ultimately impact your relationship significantly.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post The Four Pillars of a Relationship. first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Love is not just a word or feeling. Love in action, needs to be seen, felt and received by your partner.

In the last 10 years that I have been practicing as a couple therapist, this is one of the most common but significant challenge that I have seen that couples face. Many couples love and care for each other but are not able to feel that love from each other. And that leads to insecurity, resentment, withdrawal, escalating conflicts and criticism and they start doubting that their love is lost.

It is important to show love in the way that your partner can receive it and feel loved by you. If you believe that you love the other person, if you feel love for the other person within yourself, it is good but it is not enough. In a relationship it is important for you to convey that love to the other person and for the other person to receive it and feel loved the way they want themselves to be loved.

In this article, I draw heavily from “The five love languages” by Gary Chapman and also add on my own experience of working with couples.

Assuming that the both of you in the relationship trust and respect each other, I will go ahead and talk about 10 ways that you can show your love to your partner.  These could be applicable for couples in a relationship, married partners, live in partners and any kind of couple.

“Showing love is doing what your partner prefers and likes rather than doing what is the most convenient for you or what you prefer“

1. Appreciate and acknowledge your partner.

It is important to acknowledge the things that you do for each other and appreciate each other. This could be encouraging words, offering a thank you or gratitude, appreciation for their effort or accomplishments, complimenting their appearance or trait, validation and so on. It is important for your partner to know that you really value them and appreciate them for what they do and more importantly who they are.

2. Share responsibilities or workload

Your partner might want you to share certain responsibilities and take up some of their workload. Taking up some work and doing a shoddy job wont do. It is important for you to ask your partner what they would like and prefer from you, how they would want you to show your love to them, what kind of support they need from you.

3. Spending quality time with each other.

Your partner might want you to spend time together. Ask how they would like to spend this time together.  Do they want to have more conversations, talk about each other, do an activity together, travel, spend time in nature etc., or a mix of all that? If your partner wants to have deep conversations, watching Netflix together may not do.

4. Physical touch can convey love.

Physical touch and intimacy, is not just sexual intimacy. There is a lot that can be conveyed through a gentle touch. Kindness, compassion, warmth, presence, partnership, support, love, care, concern, affection etc., can all be conveyed through a gentle touch if your partner prefers that. Physical touch can be holding hands, sitting close to each other, holding, hugging, kisses, a neck rub or shoulder rub, a massage etc. Physical touch may or may not lead to sexual intimacy but the intent here is to express and show love to your partner.

5. Offer a safe haven and support to your partner.

Provide a place of safety in the relationship for your partner to express, share and open themselves up to you without fear of being judged or criticized. Offer them the confidence that what they share with you will stay with you and will not be used against them either now or in the future. You are there to support each other, have each other’s back and pull each other up in tough times.

6. Offer empathy and validation.

When there is no judgement or criticism, it becomes possible to offer validation and empathy to your partner. It does not mean that you have to agree with everything that your partner says or does. It is possible to empathise with your partner’s emotional experience even if you disagree with the content of what happened. Empathy is an extremely crucial component to develop bonding in a relationship. It is also a core component of effective communication.

7. Stay involved in each other.

Know your partner’s aspirations and dreams. Stay involved, support, take part in your partners dreams, and see them come true. Relish in your partner’s success. Ask, understand their challenges, problems and offer to support, in the way that they prefer. After all you both are partners for both good times and difficult times.

8. Ask for feedback from your partner.

Make time regularly to talk about your relationship. Ask for feedback from your partner whether they feel loved, valued, cherished in the relationship. Ask about things that you do or don’t that really annoy them and make an effort to address the same reasonably. Make time to air your grievances in a non-critical way. The intent of talking about the relationship is to convey that it is important for you and that you are willing to take the feedback as a way to be better.

9. Account for your partner’s friends and family.

Though we are talking about showing love to your partner, it is also important to acknowledge, respect and accept friends and family of your partner. Their family has been there with them all through their life, and friends come in to life by choice. Mutual respect for each other’s friends and family is important, when you want to show love to each other.

10. Love your own self.

Loving yourself does not mean you are being selfish. If you truly don’t love yourself, it is difficult to truly love the other. That could mean having some time for yourself, doing the things that you really like to do, paying attention to your needs, spending time for self-care and nourishment etc. When you lose yourself in a relationship, eventually resentment builds within. The key is to do this at a reasonable level that works out for the both of you.

Read more about the three types of intimacy in Couples here.

Couple therapy could be a choice for couples who want to enhance their love and emotional connection with each other. This may involve learning to deal with conflicts in a healthy way, resolving past hurt and problems, and learning to give and receive love in a way that both partners feel loved and valued in the relationship.

What are your thoughts about showing love to your partner? Do share in comments.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling / Relationship counselling.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

REFERENCES:
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Gary Chapman

The post 10 ways to show love in action to your partner first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

The pandemic situation, lack of social connections, lack of opportunities to make real connections, it’s all pushing youngsters more and more into the online dating space.

Loneliness has been the pre-existing pandemic long before Covid took over. So its not surprising that people are seeking connections online – through online dating apps.

Some seek a simple connection and some may seek more. Some may have a casual attitude and some a serious attitude towards relationships. Each person may seek something different in online dating. Its important that you be clear about your own expectations and align with the other person before getting involved at a level that you plan to.

People do find its easier and convenient to strike a conversation online. Video calls are safer given the situation. Having said that what is the possibility of finding your partner through online dating? What are the risks involved?

As a counsellor I do see many clients who come in with heart breaks or who have been ghosted or cheated by a person with a false profile in online dating apps (catfishing). Though heart breaks and ghosting can happen in real world also, it is more possible and feasible in the online dating world.

Though there are some benefits of safety in the online world, before you get more involved with the other person, its better to be aware of, consider the risks and take safety measures appropriately. Be aware of your boundaries and what you are willing to share with the other person. Don’t get pressured to do things that you don’t want to.

Inner Dawn Counsellor Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured in Deccan Herald
7-Aug-21.

The post Online Dating in the Pandemic times first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Though the COVID pandemic has affected significant portions of the population, a greater silent pandemic is gripping the world today – loneliness.  Even people who are not susceptible to COVID virus have been affected by loneliness and reduced social connections.  This makes it all the more important to enhance and connect better with existing relationships, with people with whom we live and share spaces. When we don’t feel connected and attached in our relationships, we end up feeling lonely despite being surrounded by people. When you feel lonely in a relationship, it does have a significant impact.

We are all social beings. The need for interpersonal interaction is something that is wired into our needs which is as fundamental as food, clothing and shelter. When a baby is born, the mother or the parental figure would hold the baby close, touch the baby, stroke the baby and the infant feels secure.

The term stroke comes from this context. Stroke is a basic unit of recognition.  When we say hello to somebody we are offering them a stroke.  When they acknowledge us with an eye contact or a smile or a nod, they are offering back a stroke. In our entire life we seek strokes from others, from the universe and ourselves. This is called recognition hunger – a hunger for a special kind of warmth and contact in deeds or words.  The recognition that we get from a promotion at work, or the recognition we get when our friend/partner gives a warm hug, when our pet shows affection to us, when we watch a beautiful sunset they are all strokes with varied importance and intensity.  It is key to note that the importance and intensity is what we assign to the stroke.

Some strokes from a particular person may be valued more when compared to others.

For many couples, the strokes from their partner are highly valued and also craved for. In my experience as a relationship counsellor, when couples come into therapy, one of the common complaints is that one of them or both are feeling unappreciated by each other. They are feeling stroke-deprived, unacknowledged by each other, and there is perhaps an underlying sense of being taken for granted. This can make then feel lonely in a relationship, aggravating all other conflicts, and doesn’t allow bonding/closeness and true intimacy.  

The Stroke Economy (SE) is a set of rules enforced by our own critical voice that we hear inside that keeps us from giving and accepting positive strokes.  The Stroke Economy rules that we live by are:

1. Don’t give strokes you want to give.
2. Don’t ask for strokes you want.
3. Don’t accept strokes you want.
4. Don’t reject strokes you don’t want.
5. Don’t give yourself strokes.
   -(Claude Steiner (1997))

We don’t accept the strokes that we get and we feel stroke deprived. We even modify good strokes that we get and make them negative ones.

I usually ask the couple to do an appreciation exercise on an everyday basis. They would need to schedule about 15 to 20 minutes each day to sit down with each other, make eye contact and provide at least three genuine appreciations to the other.  The couple would practice giving and receiving appreciation and expressing how they felt about it.  If they are not accepting or rejecting the stroke, they will become aware of it. This could be as simple as a compliment for a dress or an acknowledgement for how they took care of you when you were sick. What is important is the intent to appreciate the other.

The next part of the exercise is to ask for specific appreciation from their partner.  This will involve highlighting something which they appreciate about themselves and asking their partner for the same. The challenge to overcome here is that people think that if they have to ask for an acknowledgement or appreciation, then even if they get it, it doesn’t count. 

Feel more fulfilled and less lonely in a relationship

Five things that can happen by giving and receiving positive appreciations/strokes in your relationship and these can enable you to give and receive more positive strokes – building a positive loop in the relationship.

1. Be grateful to have a partner

It is possible that you might have had a conflict with your partner.  Or there may be other things that you both do that are annoying for each other. Despite all that it is important to remember that you both chose each other. And at this point in time it is good to be grateful to have a partner.

2. Finding positives in your partner

When you are feeling grateful, you will also be able to see the other positives that your partner brings in. Despite all the things that frustrate you in the relationship there definitely will be some positives that your partner brings onto the table.  Make an attempt to identify these positives that your partner has. Make an attempt to express them to your partner that you acknowledge them, appreciate them. Not being appreciated by your partner definitely contributes to feeling lonely in a relationship.

3. Ask yourself if you are taking your partner for granted

This is a very important question to ask yourself when you are in a relationship.  Taking things for granted takes away all the positivity and retains only the negative, difficult, and conflicting aspects of the relationship in your thoughts and memory. Look for positive traits and even small things that your partner does for you or shows care for you. Taking your partner for granted is a sure-shot way for both of you to feel lonely in a relationship.

4. Make a conscious attempt to engage in more positive acts

These are difficult times. You might have observed that you spend more time effort and energy at work to make or maintain a good impression and be in the good books of your higher ups. In the same note I would encourage you to also consider your relationships equally important. Things have changed at home front as well, and there are difficulties. And you are relationships deserve attention and care as well. Make an attempt to create positive and pleasant memories in your relationships too.

5. Be kind to yourself and your partner

It is important to quieten the critical voice inside both towards yourself as well as people around you. You can try to replace it with more kind and compassionate words and voice. With this you learn to appreciate your own self as well as people around you. 

We seek relationships, and we want to be happy. There is so much we can do to not feel lonely in a relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She takes an eclectic approach with different therapeutic modalities like CBT, Gestalt, TA in her work. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential Counselling and Therapy, including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

The post Lonely in a relationship. What can you do to make it better? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.