In today’s fast-changing relationship landscape, love alone no longer feels like enough. Across Indian cities, a quiet yet powerful shift is unfolding, more individuals and couples are seeking guidance from professionals, choosing premarital counselling before marital commitment, and as a deliberate step toward healthier, stronger relationships.  And the reasons are both cultural and psychological.

Inner Dawn counsellor Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured in Deccan Herald on 21 January 2026.

https://www.deccanherald.com/lifestyle/spike-in-premarital-counselling-3869069

According to a recent Deccan Herald article, therapists in Bengaluru are witnessing a steady increase in demand for premarital counselling from couples, live-in partners, and individuals preparing for first or second marriages who are seeking relationship guidance, either before tying the knot or to resolve issues in their relationships.

Why Is Premarital Counselling Gaining Popularity?

More people are realising that marriage is not just a romantic decision, but a psychological, emotional and practical partnership.  But this involves other important conversations and agreements on different topics like money, boundaries, future plans, having children, family involvement, etc. Clients seek the support of the counsellor to facilitate these conversations.

Some key reasons behind this rise include:

• Growing awareness about mental health
• Reduced stigma around therapy
• Increased divorce rates prompting prevention over repair
• Diminishing support from family and friends
• Second marriages bring emotional, financial, and family complexities
• Couples wanting deeper compatibility before commitment

Premarital counselling is no longer seen just as a “problem-solving” tool, but also as a way to strengthen relationships and prepare for the relationship responsibilities.

Who can benefit from this process?

Most folks who seek premarital counselling are between 25 and 35 years, though a growing number of individuals in their 40s and beyond are also reaching out, especially those entering second marriages.

This includes:

• Couples who are in a relationship and considering a live-in or marriage
• Live-in partners who may or may not be planning for marriage
• Engaged couples in a love marriage or arranged marriage setting
• Individuals who are considering marriage but are feeling unsure or unclear about it
• Individuals and couples preparing to remarry  

For many, this is about not repeating old patterns and building something healthier this time around.

What Happens in Premarital Counselling?

It is important to get into a marital relationship with expectations that are reasonable and an understanding of what the marital relationship means to both partners.  Lack of knowledge about what marriage entails, the responsibilities that need to be managed, may result in disillusionment and failure of the marital relationship itself. Premarital counselling provides a safe space to explore:

• Communication styles and emotional needs
• Conflict patterns and repair strategies
• Financial beliefs and lifestyle expectations
• Family roles, day-to-day sharing of responsibilities
• Intimacy, trust, and long-term goals
• Conversations around difficult topics like money, boundaries, etc.

Rather than avoiding difficult conversations, couples learn how to have them safely before stress and misunderstandings take root.

How can it help Especially for Second Marriages

Second marriages often carry unspoken fears, past wounds, blended family concerns, and financial complexities. Especially when there are children, co-parenting, visitations involved, etc., there will be a need for continued contact with the ex-spouse/ex-partner, which can create insecurities in the new relationship. Premarital Counselling helps individuals heal unresolved emotional baggage, build trust at a realistic pace, clarify expectations and boundaries, and prevent repeating old relationship scripts.  Instead of “hoping this time will be different,” premarital counselling helps make it intentionally different.

Is Premarital Counselling Right for You?

Marriage is no longer just about tradition or timing. It is about emotional readiness, shared values, and conscious choice. Premarital counselling offers couples a way to step into commitment with clarity rather than confusion. The rise in premarital counselling is not a sign that relationships are weaker; it is proof that people are choosing to be wiser.

• You may benefit from pre-marital counselling if you
• Want deeper emotional understanding of yourself and your partner
• Struggle to communicate during conflict
• Feel unsure about long-term compatibility
• Are entering a second marriage
• Unsure of commitment/marriage/relationship expectations

Think of premarital counselling as a relationship fitness plan. If you are planning to marry, whether for the first or second time, consider premarital counselling as a meaningful first step.

Because love is the beginning. Understanding and growing together is what sustains it.

The post Premarital Counselling, need of the hour in India first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

In an era of evolving social norms, the debate around live-in relationships in India is becoming increasingly relevant. A recent piece in Deccan Herald highlights why experts believe that live-in partnerships need formal legal recognition, focusing on the emotional, psychological, and social challenges faced by couples who choose cohabitation outside marriage.

Inner Dawn Counsellor Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured in Deccan Herald on 01-Oct-25

Live-In Relationships in India: A Changing Reality

Many couples in India opt to live together without marriage for personal reasons, yet this choice often exists in a legal grey zone. Experts say that the lack of legal recognition contributes to:

• Anxiety and insecurity in partners over their rights and future.
• Family conflicts, with parents or relatives frequently unaware or unsupportive of the arrangement.
• Mental health stressors, as couples juggle societal stigma and uncertain legal protections.

Why Experts Are Calling for Legal Recognition

Therapists and relationship specialists argue that legal status would:

• Help safeguard emotional and financial rights of both individuals.
• Reduce the power imbalance and exploitation that can occur when one partner feels insecure about their position.
• Provide clarity in matters such as child custody, property rights, inheritance, and domestic responsibilities.

Without a legal framework, many couples are left vulnerable when relationships change or break down. Recognition could provide much-needed structure and legal recourse similar to what marriages afford.

Live-In Relationships, Law, and Social Acceptance

India’s legal stance currently allows adults to cohabit, and the Supreme Court has affirmed the constitutional right to choose one’s partner. However, this right does not automatically translate into full legal protection or social security benefits. Courts in various states have made rulings to bridge some gaps, but a comprehensive law is still missing.  And there still the matter of social acceptance of couples in live-in relationships.

The recent crimes reported in the media, where the harm has allegedly been caused by the live-in partner, have really put a spotlight on the vulnerability of the state of live-in relationships and the level of social acceptance of such relationships.

What would legalization mean for couples in live-in relationships

As lifestyles shift and relationships evolve, the conversation around legalising live-in partnerships gains urgency. For couples choosing this path, it’s not just about cohabitation but about rights, dignity, and security. Recognising live-in ties legally could be a transformative step toward modernising family law in India.

The post Live-In Relationships in India: The Need for Laws first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

In this day and age, where instant gratification is the norm, marked by quick commerce, dating apps, shorts, and reels, it is understandable that Gen-Z finds sustaining relationships difficult. Truth be told, relationship challenges are a reality for all age groups.

Social medial and online influence on relationship challenges

We are progressively more influenced by social media and online influencers.  One may have thousands of friends/followers on social media.  But in real, how much support do we have on the ground is a big question. Gen-Z also prefers text to talking, meeting, and spending time, which affects the quality of connection in relationships. Phubbing is a common occurrence, being on the phone when you are physically with another person.

Long-term/lasting Relationships do not work in the instant gratification mode. All parties involved need to invest time, effort, and energy into the relationship to make it work, to make it fulfilling. Relationships, no matter how good they are, may not always be convenient. Commitment to a relationship and the effort needed to make it work cannot change and shift based on convenience.

The need for Resilience

Unrealistic expectations in relationships compounded by low levels of resilience mean a failure or a rejection feels like an insurmountable challenge.  There’s a tendency to move from one relationship to the next with minimal or no time spent in reflection or processing the grief of the breakup, learning from the loss, etc.

It is important to emphasize that lasting relationships inherently involve emotional labour. That means the partners need to manage their own emotions and cater to the needs of the other.  Conflicts and disagreements need to be managed and resolved without damaging the other or crumbling your self-esteem. Without emotional awareness and the capability to hold self and the other, there is limited scope for emotional connection, emotional intimacy, and bonding.

I believe that we need to start early with children. Parents play a big role here in offering an emotionally inviting and safe home environment. Schools need to start teaching about emotional literacy, empathy, and compassion. And progressively, at different age groups, colleges and organizations need to take up emotional intelligence and interpersonal effectiveness.

A course offered by Delhi University titled ‘Negotiating Intimate Relationships’ is a step in the right direction.

Inner Dawn counsellor Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured in Deccan Herald (13-Jun-25).

Does Gen Z need a course on handling relationships?

The post Gen-Z – Relationship challenges in the age of instant gratification first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Panel Discussion on Pre-Marital Counselling and Family Well-Being. I had the privilege of being invited as a panellist by the Gender Studies Committee at the School of Law, CHRIST (Deemed to be University),  for a panel discussion on “Pre-Marital Counselling and Family Well-Being”. This was organized as part of the International Women’s Day celebrations,  EMPOW(H)ER on March 10th, 2025.

We explored the role of pre-marital counselling in building healthy relationships, strategies for preparing for marital harmony, ensuring both emotional and financial preparedness in relationships etc.

The panel included esteemed professionals and a moderator to facilitate the discussion.

• Ms. Neelam Kamall, a mental health counsellor and mediator at Looking Glass
• Ms. Latha Prasad, a senior lawyer and mediator at the Bangalore Mediation Centre
• Ms. Kala Balasubramanian a Psychologist and Psychotherapist – Founder of Inner Dawn Counselling.
• Ms Siri a Lawyer and POSH expert – Moderator.

Our discussion focused on the growing relevance of pre-marital counselling in today’s society. As social beings, humans are naturally wired to seek connection and relationships. Pre-marital counselling provides valuable support to individuals and couples (whether in cis-heterosexual or LGBTQI+ relationships) who are navigating their journey toward long-term commitment or marriage. It is particularly beneficial for:

• Couples considering marriage or a committed partnership.
• Those seeking to address relationship concerns before making a long-term commitment.
• Couples in a relationship who want to resolve any prevailing issues.
• Clients entering an arranged marriage who wish to look for compatibility and be prepared for potential challenges.
• Individual clients looking for clarity on their expectations, addressing their fears and doubts if any etc.

The Role and Benefits of Pre-Marital Counselling

Today the definitions of relationships and marriage have changed; gender roles are in the process of change. Monogamy, ethical non-monogamy, and other types of relationships have emerged. And as always, change also brings in a resistance to change as well. Given this changing landscape, pre-marital counselling helps individuals and couples develop a deeper understanding of self and each other by exploring key aspects of their relationship, including:

Assessing Compatibility – Exploring shared values, expectations, and emotional connection
Communication – Effective communication and emotional literacy skills
Conflict Resolution – Healthy ways to navigate disagreements and strengthen the relationship
Discuss Key Life Aspects – Discussion on finances, boundaries, future goals, physical intimacy, parenting expectations etc.

A skilled counsellor facilitates this process using open-ended questions, reflective exercises, and guided discussions to foster mutual understanding and empathy. Active listening, paraphrasing, and empathic responses help model effective communication and emotional connection.

The lawyers and mediators on the panel discussed about how the mediation process can help resolve conflicts and how pre-marital counselling can help in being prepared for marital life and avoiding a lot of pain and challenges upfront.

Key Insights from the Panel Discussion

The panel also explored the importance of:

• Neutrality in Counselling & Mediation – A counsellor or mediator must remain impartial to create a safe space for all clients
• Empathy and Active Listening – Patience and deep listening are essential in understanding clients’ perspectives
• Communication as a Life Skill – Effective communication and conflict resolution are crucial not only for couples but for all interpersonal relationships
• Pre-Marital Counselling for Diverse Relationships – Support is valuable for all individuals, couples, including LGBTQI+ couples and those planning for arranged marriages
• Proactive Relationship Building – Addressing potential challenges early can help strengthen relationships and foster long-term well-being

This discussion underscored the value of equipping individuals and couples with the tools to build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

#PreMaritalCounselling #RelationshipWellbeing #EmotionalLiteracy #ConflictResolution #CommunicationSkills #WomensDay

The post Powerful impact of pre-marital counselling in these changing times first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

In my last video about the importance of Boundaries in Couple Relationship I had asked a few question and I had left them open. As promised here is the video addressing them. 

I had talked about a scenario where one partner feels that they are having a close friendship with someone else and the other partner feels that it’s an affair. The partner who is in this friendship, feels that there is nothing wrong when the relationship is just a friendship but other partner feels uncomfortable with that.

Some Important questions – Aren’t friendships outside marriage important? Can’t we get emotional support from our friends and family?  What if there is no attraction or any sexual undertones? Where do we draw the line?  Let me try to address these questions in this video.

Spoiler alert – There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. What is important is that both partners in the relationship have a common set of answers and understanding between them.

Let me start with a metaphor.

We all live in houses. Why do we stay in a house / apartment? To be safe physically and to protect ourselves, that’s why the house has walls. But a house also has a certain number of Windows to allow for sunlight and air to come in and also doors to allow us and other people to come in or go out. But remember the doors also have locks and windows also have latches. So that we can choose for whom we want to open the doors to, and when we want keep the windows open or closed.

Boundaries to your relationship are like that. They do not intend to cut off other people but to allow them to enter into your space when you both want them to and keep yourself safe and secure when you both do not want them to come in.

It is good to have a healthy circle of friends, siblings, family, relatives etc.  Having said that, it is important for both the partners to agree upon, what is acceptable and what is not for your relationship. Cutting off from everyone else is definitely not advisable.

Lets us look at some examples-   These are not real client names.       

Sharing your relationship issues with other friends family, etc

Lets say you are having disagreements and conflicts with your partner, which is common in a long term relationship. But when you choose to share it with your friend, colleague, family member etc, they are also forming a negative opinion about your partner. And your partner might be uncomfortable for you to share this information with others.  Tomorrow you both might patch up, but the person with whom you shared this information may continue to hold that negative image about your partner.  Do you agree?

Spending or wanting to spend more time with the other person      

Let us look at another scenario- These are not real client names.  

Rakesh and Rupa have been married for10 years. Their life had become a bit monotonous.  Rakesh made a new friend at his workplace.  He found that she was very intelligent and interesting, He starts sharing about his challenges and get emotional support. The more he spent time with her he found more common ground. He was excited to go to work so that he could meet her. She became his go to person to go talk about anything that he felt like. When he would go home, he had nothing to share with Rupa or talk about. Do you think this will create problems in their relationship or aggravate existing issues between them?

Let me list down some scenarios that can create problems in a relationship. Prevention is better than cure.

• This friendship/relationship becomes more important than the relationship with partner/spouse.
• This relationship is more interesting, to share about challenges, about significant events
• Discussing and taking decisions with this person rather than with the partner.
• Looking forward to spending more and more time with this person, online, in person, on calls etc.
• Prefer provide and get emotional support with this with the other person more than with partner.
• Hiding things from partner, Lying to partner – fully/partially/white lies etc.
• Becoming physically or emotionally close with this other person, which the partner is not aware of, or not aware of the extent to, or has a discomfort or objection to it.
• Becoming a significant emotional support provider to this other person, that the partner is uncomfortable with.
• Effort, energy and enthusiasm increases towards this person and it affects the effort, energy and enthusiasm towards partner

The other relationship might be platonic.  But if it takes you away from your marriage or relationship, it is a cause of concern and needs to be addressed before the damage becomes severe.

If you are facing any of these challenging scenarios, Couple therapy / Couple counselling / marriage counselling / relationship counselling could help the both of you set healthy boundaries for your relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post How do Boundaries Keep your Relationship safe? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Manipulation can happen in any relationship but it is significantly damaging when it happens between partners. More often than not if interacting with the other person makes you feel shame, guilt, or accused, emotionally exhausted, or doubting your own reality then perhaps you could be getting manipulated. Over time this builds resentment in the relationship.

The person who manipulates would make you feel these so that they can get their way, to get their needs met or to feel good about themselves. It is possible that they may not be aware of or not used to healthy ways of getting their needs met. But that does not lessen the damage being caused to the relationship.

It is important to recognise manipulation at the earliest and address it, without which overtime there is a high risk of escalation of this behaviour which could become abuse in your relationship.

I am Kala Balasubramanian, counselling psychologist and relationship therapist, and in this video, I am going to talk about five signs of emotional manipulation in relationships. And if they are detected early and address adequately, it can save you from tons of heartache and pain in your relationship.

1. Are you watching your step all the time?

Do you feel apprehensive and gingerly when you interact with your partner? Do you feel that you have to be on guard to not upset or anger your partner? Do you often keep scanning the horizon for the next blow up to happen?

This takes up so much of your energy that you could feel drained out keeping yourself out of trouble. This can make you feel very and sure of saying anything or thinking hundred times before you bring up anything significant.

2. Does your partner say something but later on outright deny it?

The first step to address the problem is to acknowledge that there is a problem if your partner claims that there is no problem at all how do you collaborate with them to address the impact of it? Or does your partner say something or promised something and then out right denies it later on – saying I never said it or I don’t remember saying it.  

It is possible that this might make you second guess yourself, and question your own memory or your version of how things happened and doubt your own self. Gaslighting can start like this and if left unaddressed can become more severe and more damaging

3. Does your partner guilt trip you into doing things or to agree with them?

Does your partner repeatedly keep bringing up your mistakes or keep faulting you about things which happened recently as well as in the past to make you feel guilty? And you see that when that happens you end up agreeing to them or doing what they want you to do rather than to stay with your stance.

They might say “if you love me then you would do this”. Or using global statement like “you never really cared for me or cared for my preferences ever” or “you have always been resentful of my parents” or to outright accuse you as “How can you be so selfish? When you know I am already going through so much, how can you bring this issue up” etc, triggering you to prove it to them that what they are saying is wrong, or to drop the issue at hand or to defend yourself that you are not such a bad person after all the way they portray you to be.

4. Does most of your conversations move into blaming or accusing or badgering you into submission? 

Do you feel that a lot of your conversations go on and on and on without any real attempt at listening to each other understanding each other’s point of view? That you feel exasperated and that usually results in you giving up or just agreeing to what your partner wants or taking up the blame or accusation on yourself and apologizing, perhaps just to end the conversation?

It is also possible that whenever you have a problem or bring up an issue with your partner, somehow the conversation gets turned around and you end up being blamed an accused back. What you brought on the table doesn’t get addressed but you end up defending yourself are having to explain yourself or your actions. So there is no problem solving possible over here.

5. Does your partner apologize but keep doing the same thing over and over again?

Ok Let us say, somehow you have managed to explain your challenge in such a way that your partner finally understands it and apologises for it. But then over time you find that – that apology does not hold any value because they keep doing the same thing over and over again. And if you bring it up again it is highly likely that it may get ignored or brushed away or minimised in terms of its impact.

Over time you start feeling that there is no point in bringing up these issues to your partner when there is no active collaborative problem solving. Either you end up blaming your own self or taking responsibility for things which you are not responsible for. As resentment builds communication breakdown and conflicts escalate.

I am aware that it is not a pretty picture that I am painting over here. But this is a sad reality for many couples. Having said that it is possible to break this pattern before it becomes either abusive or irretrievable. In my next video I will talk about a few ways to dismantle this pattern.  But if you’re facing significant distress then you can seek professional help, couple therapy or if your partner is not willing then you can seek therapy for yourself to explore the possibility of addressing your challenge.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post 5 Signs of Manipulation in Your Relationship first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

In a relationship and still feeling lonely? 4 steps to take to address this loneliness in your relationship and feel connected with each other.

So many couples come into therapy saying that they feel lonely in the relationship. They complain that there are no conversations happening between them. That they don’t feel the connection between each other, are not able to be there emotionally for each other, and it leads to them feeling more lonely and frustration, which shows up as
escalating conflicts, pulling them even more apart from each other.

Some couples might have some major unresolved issues or some other crisis that they are facing, which need to be addressed and resolved before they can feel connected to each other again. But if there are no major crises involved, it is possible to take simple steps to reconnect with each other.

1. Remember – You chose each other as your partner.

In couple therapy, typically when I start to work with a couple, one of the first things that I encourage them to do is to reminisce
and express why they chose Each Other as their life partner. You would have seen something in each other that made you feel some attraction and led you to a decision to choose each other as your life partner. Or to think about the early part of the relationship, when you would have come to know some good things about each other. Expressing this to each other creates a nice cushion from feeling lonely and brings back some fond memories for the couple.

2. Ask yourself if you are taking your partner for granted

When you are in a relationship, this is a very important question to ask yourself.  Taking each other for granted can strip away all the positivity, leaving only the negative, difficult, and conflicting aspects of the relationship in your thoughts and memory. Look for positive traits and even small or big things that your partner does, by themselves or for you. Take an interest in what your partner’s day has been like, what they are working on, and their challenges. Say thank you for the small and big things or daily things that they do for you. And ask yourself, do I truly acknowledge these positive aspects and contributions that my partner brings to the table? If the answer is NO, then start acknowledging and appreciating your partner now.

3. Engaging in more positive acts with each other consciously

If you are a working professional, isn’t it normal that you spend a lot of time, effort and energy to maintain a good impression and be in the good books of your management and colleagues? In the same note, I would encourage you to also consider your relationship as equally important. Both of you need to be in each other’s good books by being genuine, open, honest, respectful, caring and loving with each other.

Spend quality time with each other. Talk to each other. Conversations can be about your childhood, dreams, aspirations, experiences, lessons learnt in life etc.

Identify common areas of interest and engage in activities together. Touch also could be a powerful way of showing care and
love. Touch is not just sex, but includes non sexual touch like holding hands, hugging, kissing, cuddling, holding each other, etc. Non sexual touch and closeness can lead to sex, but not necessarily. I will perhaps make another video on this topic of intimacy. So, your relationship deserves attention, importance and care as well. Make an attempt to engage in positive activities with and for each other and create pleasant memories with each other.

4. Be kind to yourself and your partner

We all have this critical voice inside, that could criticise both ourselves as well as the other person moment there is a problem or fault or mistake involved. And do a check, if you have the tendency to jump on any small mistakes, point out and criticise your partner at the earliest possible opportunity. Or do you have the habit of collecting and remembering all the faults or mistakes that your partner made, that you bring up at a later date, perhaps in a conflict? It is important to quieten the critical voice inside both towards yourself as well as people around you. You can try to replace it with more kind and compassionate words and voice. With this, you learn to appreciate your own self as well as the people around you.

There are so many ways to feel less lonely and more connected. Here is a starting point in your endeavour to better your relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post Are you in a Relationship and Still Feeling Lonely? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Planning to get married or maybe you are already married? Or are you in a committed long-term relationship and planning to live together?  Here are 5 critical topics that you could have conversations about with your partner that can directly impact your relationship. What are these critical topics for couple conversations?

So what do you generally talk about? Do you talk about what you both like, dislike, movies, other regular stuff? That is good too.  But it is important to have conversations on the following topics, if you haven’t done yet and be on the same page. There is no one right way of doing things in these areas. Both of you can find ways that work for the both of you.

As a relationship counsellor I usually facilitate discussions between the couple as part of pre-marital counselling / couple counselling on these topics that are important for a stable relationship, of course as per their needs. When both of you are not on the same page, or kind of agree on your differences, these can create significant challenges downstream in your relationship.

1. Talk Finances – Money:

Talking money or finances is something which many couples find sticky or tricky or difficult or talk about. This is a very significant topic where that could be many differences which can come about and rock your relationship.

How much do each of you earn? What if one partner not planning to earn? How would you spend on household expenses? What expenses are considered extravagant and what are considered necessary? Do either of you have any debt? What are your average monthly expenses till now? What is your attitude towards spending and saving? How will investments etc be done? 

2. Share and discuss your core values:

It is important for couples to have some shared core values between them. If your Values are completely different from each other and if you are unable to reconcile, it may feel like living with some one that you can’t relate to.

What do you consider as your core values? Which one of those are non-negotiable for you? This could be about honesty, transparency, respect, trust, equality, sex, family interactions/ responsibilities, parenting, ethics etc.  This could also be about religion, religious practices and other key beliefs regarding political views, race, discrimination etc that you hold.

How will significant decisions be made between the two of you and what kind of an agreement is necessary for these decisions?  Who else would be involved in these decisions? What happens if either of you disagrees?

3. Plans for children:

Do not shy away from talking about children. Typically this is one of the non-negotiables. A disagreement on this can damage or break your relationship.

Talk about your plans regarding children. If you plan to have, then talk about when, how many and if not, the reasons why. In most families there will be pressure to have children, perhaps at earliest. How would you communicate your plans to your families if you need to? If you don’t plan to have children for a while, then how would you plan for that? Who would take responsibility for contraception?

What kind of parenting approach have you experienced in your childhood and what kind of parents would you like to your child to have? What could be the level of influence/support of extended family on child rearing? What level of involvement would you want yourself and your partner to have in parenting?

4. House hold responsibilities:

The topic of household responsibilities become the day-to-day issue for many couples once they start living together. It is better to have clear communication regarding this upfront, rather than being dissatisfied or built resentments over time.

How would you share the house hold responsibilities and chores?  Are you both looking for an equitable distribution or not?  How were things done in your own family of origin in your childhood? Would sharing of house hold responsibilities change or vary based on changes in employment or child rearing etc?

5. Boundaries, space and what is not acceptable:

It is important to have boundaries for your relationship and to be on the same page regarding what can be shared with others and what can’t be. The term boundaries may seem restrictive in a true sense it is a permeable protection for your relationship. Like a house having walls but also those with locks on it, you can let people in when you want to and when you prefer to and not otherwise.

What do you see as private and what is not? When and where do you need space for yourself too? What do you see as fidelity, what is considered ok or not ok for each of you? Can you agree on these terms?

Of course, these are just top 5 in my opinion. There could be many more. And none of these are written in stone and could change over a period of time as you both grow as individuals and as a couple.  Then they would need to be talked about and renegotiated to arrive at a revised understanding and agreement.

If your conversations are not giving you clarity, you can seek professional support and seek pre-marital counselling / couple counselling, a safe space to express yourself and to understand your partner.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

The post 5 Critical topics for Couple Conversations first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Lying.  One of the common behaviours that we all engage in, somewhere or the other. We may lie about our whereabouts, or saying we will reach in 10 minutes when we know it will take half an hour, we may say that we are not well to take leave at work.  We tell these lies and we assume them to be innocuous. Are there lies in your relationship?  Can you assume them to be innocuous or does it damage the relationship over time? Is it possible to recover from the damage caused by lying to your relationship?

One of my favourite sayings on this topic is
“The greatest advantage in speaking the truth is that you don’t have to remember what you said”

Before addressing the impact of lying on relationships, let us first look at what all would be lying.

– Omitting any piece of information deliberately – a partial truth or a partial lie.
– Hiding something or offering white lies assuming that what your partner does not know would not hurt them.
– Avoiding answers, or offering vague answers to avoid telling the truth.
– To defend yourself or to protect, you may be saying an outright lie.
– Lying could be about small little things are big things in life, but over time they do tend to pile up.

What happens when you lie your partner? Can you assume them to be innocuous or does it damage the relationship over time?  Let us find out.

1. Lying damages the trust in the relationship:

Trust is one of the fundamental pillars of a relationship. When you have been lying to your partner, you might do it assuming it will not be found or that it is too small etc. Trust me, lies will always found by your partner sooner or later. It can make them feel insecure and it would make them unsure about what to believe in and what not to. You may end up sowing the seeds of suspicion in your partner, that they may feel confused about anything important that you ever said was ever true. 

2. Lying does hurt both of you.

Many may justify that, what their partner doesn’t know wouldn’t hurt them. That’s a myth. Lying hurts both you and your partner. Your partner might feel devalued, unimportant and feel hurt. More time that passes, more can be the hurt caused.  And even if your partner hasn’t found out about it yet, you would still know that you lied, that could have a impact on your relationship, in terms of your openness and honesty and involvement in the relationship. It impacts your integrity and your sense of self.

Your partner knows even if they haven’t caught you or confronted you yet. When you are in intimate relationship your partner knows you deeply. They will know that something is off. This can pass them to withdraw or become suspicious. It can also impact your partner’s sense of worth in the relationship.

3. Lying creates a vicious cycle trapping you in a maze of lies:

And when you lie about one thing, you will end up lying for the more to cover it up. And lies have a geometric progression. That means to hide one you might have to say two, three or more lies. And to hide each one of them, you might have to tell two, three or more lies. And you will end up with a big pile of lies on other words a big pile of mess. This can make it a habit and you could get caught in this vicious cycle. You might end up feeling trapped in it, unable to get out of it with out damaging yourself, your partner and your relationship. Some times when you tell a lie repeatedly, you might also end up convincing yourself that it is the truth blurring the lines between truth and lie for you.

Is it possible to recover from the damage caused by lying to your relationship?

The answer is yes. It is possible to recover from the damage and re-build the relationship, provided both parties are willing to put in the effort required as needed.  This will require commitment to take full ownership of your past lies without any blaming or shifting of blame on the other or on the situation. The partner who has been lying will need to take the primary responsibility for honesty and accountability to rebuild trust in the relationship. This could mean, apologizing or explaining with out justifying your actions. To hear out the aggrieved partner offer validation and empathy. To learn from the past and commit to openness honesty ad transparency going forward. Of course the other partner also needs to be willing to look at their own contribution to the problem at hand, and allow for trust to be rebuilt.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post How does lying impact your relationship? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

When couples come in for therapy, or even individuals who want to work on their relationship, one of the key things that we discuss and try to understand is what is their definition of a relationship. What are the components or what I call as pillars of relationship?  Many Couples are surprised to realize that the definition of relationship is very different from each other.

Let me share the framework that I usually offer to clients, a set of pillars that need to be strong to support a healthy relationship.  When even one of these pillars are damaged it does shakeup the relationship impacting its stability. Curious to know what these pillars are?

These pillars are  
1. Commitment
2. Trust
3. Respect
4. Communication

Let’s jump right in, and talk about each one of them in detail. 

The first Pillar is Commitment. Commitment has four layers.

1a. Legal commitment: When a couple get married it is a legally documented or legally valid relationship that is also a legal contract. Here both the partners get specific rights and responsibilities, and if they want to get separated, they may need to go through legally valid process or legal process to get divorced.

1b. Social commitment: If you are committed to each other or when you live together, you also take up a social commitment to present yourself as a couple. You may need to interact with each other families, and friends.  If you have children, you take up parental responsibilities etc

1c. Emotional and Support commitment: Here you commit to address each other’s reasonable needs, which includes love, affection, care, concern, support and so on.  Be there for each other physically, mentally, emotionally, financially in good times and bad times, take care of each other, share responsibilities etc. It is also a commitment to not seek or offer this kind of support outside of the relationship that makes your partner uncomfortable or without your partner’s consent.  What is ok or not ok for your relationship, that is, what are the boundaries of your relationship is something that is defined by the two of you.  

1d. Sexual commitment: To address each other reasonable sexual needs and to commit not to look for sexual experiences outside the relationship, with your partner’s consent if you are in a monogamous relationship.  If you are in an ethical not-monogamous relationship, then the commitment is to stick to the agreed upon rules of your relationship.

The second pillar is trust: 

It is said that it takes years to build trust but a moment to break it and forever to rebuild. To build trust it is important that both partners remain open and honest with each other. Trust also means keeping your words and promises, sticking to your commitments and taking action accordingly, not making tall promises and renege on it. Being consistent with what you do and what you believe in. Saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Being honest about your emotions, admitting to your mistakes and not repeating it and so on.

Many people think that, sharing partial information, withholding or telling White Lies which in their opinion doesn’t hurt the other person etc doesn’t damage the relationship, but it does. Maybe I will do a different video focusing on this topic, but when there are many lies being told, and subsequently your partner will figure it out. And they will not be able to trust if anything that you tell is true or ever told was truth.

The third pillar is Respect: 

Without respect there is no real relationship, when you respect your partner, there is space for them to be who they are, to hold and express their opinions and preferences even if they are different from yours.  To respect each other’s values and beliefs. That both of you know that you would consider each other choices, preferences, comfort levels, discuss with each other and arrive at a consensus for any significant decisions. Respect also could be about valuing each other, valuing what you do, valuing what each other does for the relationship. It is also about talking and interacting with each other’s families respectfully etc.  It also means staying away from disrespectful behaviour like physical violence or emotional abuse, putdowns, insults, name calling, sarcasm, manipulation etc.  Respect means, you both feel safe in each other’s presence, to be who you are and feel accepted by your partner.

The fourth pillar is Effective Communication:

Effective communication is the pillar that enables the other pillars to stay strong. The damage to a relationship first show up in this pillar as communication breakdown. Couples need to be able to communicate positively about how they appreciate each other value each other, how they are important to each other, and how they rely and are interdependent on each other. Couples also need to be able to have difficult communications (have a conflict) but still be able to convey their point of view to each other and understand each other point of views and arrive at a resolution. To be able to clarify misunderstandings, take responsibility for one’s own actions and inactions and apologize if needed. Couples also need to able to understand one’s own emotions, then each other’s emotions and be able to empathize with each other in order address each other’s needs.   

So we talked about the 4 pillars of a relationship.  Commitment, Trust, Respect and Communication.

Remember your relationship is like the house that you build on top of these pillars.  The pillars are somewhere connected to each other. So when there is damage in one it will result in some damage and the others also, and damage when it is left unaddressed for long can ultimately impact your relationship significantly.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post The Four Pillars of a Relationship. first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.