Many of my couple clients ask me whether an affair or infidelity mean the end of the marriage or relationship.

Understanding what is an affair

First we need to understand what is considered an affair and what is not.  A lot depends upon what is the definition of boundaries for the relationship as agreed upon by the partners in the relationship.

The relationship or marriage itself could be a monogamous, or a poly relationship, or an open relationship.  I will make another video to explain the different types of relationships soon.

Irrespective of what kind of relationship it is, it is bound by a set of boundaries or rules or understanding between the partners as to what is acceptable and what is not acceptable for their relationship.  You will see me use the term marriage or relationship interchangeably.

Some examples.

• Staying in touch with an ex maybe acceptable for one couple but may not be for another.
• Or texting a colleague might be okay at 8 p.m. But may not be okay at 12 in the night. The time of messaging, content of messages, and the volume of messages exchanged may all be factors in what is ok and what is not ok for the couple
• The extent of physical closeness with a friend that is acceptable will vary from couple to couple.
• The level of emotional sharing and emotionally intense relationships with others that is acceptable will vary for each couple.

Couples usually don’t sit down and talk about what is okay and what is not okay and they may not make a list of these things. It is a continuous process of understanding each other, understanding what is comfortable or uncomfortable, what is a definite no-no for your partner and yourself and handling your boundaries accordingly.

Having said that what to do when there is a boundary violation like an affair. It might help to have an understanding of the different types of affairs.

Affairs can be of many types.

Sexual affair

This is a purely physical/ sexual encounter or encounters that one has with the same person or different persons. There is a lack of emotional involvement or attachment initially. When there is more sexual environment with the same person emotional involvement could increase.

Romantic affair

There is a sense of emotional closeness, sharing and attachment with the other and a sense of sexual attraction or sexual intimacy with other person. This kind of affair can also be seen as falling in love with someone else.

Emotional affair

There may not be any sexual attraction here but a lot of emotional intimacy, sharing and support. What initially could start as emotional closeness with another person can overtime develop into sexual feelings and could become a romantic relationship as well.

Online / Cyber affair

Today everything is available at the touch of a button. And online or cyber affairs can start from chats, video calls, emails etc. This can be with a known person or an unknown person. The people involved might never meet or could meet. An online affair could involve any activities of flirting, emotional sharing/intimacy, online sex etc. If the people meet up, this could become a sexual or romantic affair.  

Some Common aspects in any kind of affair

• There is a sense of secrecy / hiding / lying about what is going on with the partner.
• It takes away energy from the relationship / marriage.
• The partner who is being cheated upon is / would be uncomfortable/ does not like what is going on.
• The partner engaging in the affair gets more and more involved with other person(s).

Couples with a problem of infidelity in the relationship, come into therapy when the partner who got cheated upon somehow gets to know about the affair. And it is common that the partner who was involved in the affair believed that, their partner would not get to know about it.  And perhaps believed that what they don’t know cannot hurt them.

Let me clear this myth about affairs right here. Irrespective of whether your partner knows about the affair or not, it is already hurting your relationship, there by hurting your partner. When you are disengaged, when your focus is elsewhere outside the relationship, you are unavailable for your partner in ways that are healthy for the relationship.

So let us say that the affair is not secret anymore, and the other partner knows about it. What now?

Some of the common reactions when an affair comes to light

The partner who had an affair denies it  or covers it up, with more lies and partial truths. The challenge here is that the lies and partial stores will get uncovered soon or later. The breach of trust from the affair would become now manifold with the slew of lies that are used to cover it up.

Partners blame each other and other problems in the marriage as reasons for the affair. I usually tell my couple clients that that could be many problems in the marriage that might have let to the affair, but doesn’t justify it.

Or the couple may choose to not talk about it, ignore it completely, push it under the carpet, continue with their lives, pretending that it never happened. The challenge is, it will surface in the relationship in unconscious ways through indirect accusations, distrust and insecurity.

Another possibility is that one partner walks out of the relationship, and they may choose to end the relationship.

Having said that – Let us say the couple wants to address their issues and the affair related impact on their relationship, they could seek couple therapy. 

Let me tell you that it is possible for the couple to work through this challenge and even strengthen the relationship, provided the following aspects are in place, and they are willing to put in the effort.

1. Both partners value the marriage/relationship – and want to make it work.  It is possible that one partner wants the marriage and other partner may still be undecided about whether they want to work on it or not. Over time as they have conversations with each other if both choose to stay in the marriage and work on it, then it is possible to work through the damages caused by the affair.
2. Both partners agree for transparency and honesty in the relationship and the willingness to rebuild trust in the relationship overtime. The therapist would facilitate open and honest conversations are towards this.
3. The partner who has had the affair takes responsibility for it and acknowledge the hurt caused to the other partner by their actions.
4. Both partners openly discuss and agree upon clear and acceptable boundaries for their relationship and for their personal spaces /activities.
5. The couple also would be encouraged to look at underlying relationship challenges and make necessary changes to cater to each other’s reasonable needs and actively engage with each other in a respectful manner.

Summary

An affair need not mean the end of the marriage or relationship. Having said that, breaking of trust takes a single moment.  Rebuilding takes time.  It would take time and commitment from both partners to heal the relationship wounds, to rebuild trust between each other and address other underlying challenges in the relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

The post Does infidelity mean the end of the marriage or relationship? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Love is not just a word or feeling. Love in action, needs to be seen, felt and received by your partner.

In the last 10 years that I have been practicing as a couple therapist, this is one of the most common but significant challenge that I have seen that couples face. Many couples love and care for each other but are not able to feel that love from each other. And that leads to insecurity, resentment, withdrawal, escalating conflicts and criticism and they start doubting that their love is lost.

It is important to show love in the way that your partner can receive it and feel loved by you. If you believe that you love the other person, if you feel love for the other person within yourself, it is good but it is not enough. In a relationship it is important for you to convey that love to the other person and for the other person to receive it and feel loved the way they want themselves to be loved.

In this article, I draw heavily from “The five love languages” by Gary Chapman and also add on my own experience of working with couples.

Assuming that the both of you in the relationship trust and respect each other, I will go ahead and talk about 10 ways that you can show your love to your partner.  These could be applicable for couples in a relationship, married partners, live in partners and any kind of couple.

“Showing love is doing what your partner prefers and likes rather than doing what is the most convenient for you or what you prefer“

1. Appreciate and acknowledge your partner.

It is important to acknowledge the things that you do for each other and appreciate each other. This could be encouraging words, offering a thank you or gratitude, appreciation for their effort or accomplishments, complimenting their appearance or trait, validation and so on. It is important for your partner to know that you really value them and appreciate them for what they do and more importantly who they are.

2. Share responsibilities or workload

Your partner might want you to share certain responsibilities and take up some of their workload. Taking up some work and doing a shoddy job wont do. It is important for you to ask your partner what they would like and prefer from you, how they would want you to show your love to them, what kind of support they need from you.

3. Spending quality time with each other.

Your partner might want you to spend time together. Ask how they would like to spend this time together.  Do they want to have more conversations, talk about each other, do an activity together, travel, spend time in nature etc., or a mix of all that? If your partner wants to have deep conversations, watching Netflix together may not do.

4. Physical touch can convey love.

Physical touch and intimacy, is not just sexual intimacy. There is a lot that can be conveyed through a gentle touch. Kindness, compassion, warmth, presence, partnership, support, love, care, concern, affection etc., can all be conveyed through a gentle touch if your partner prefers that. Physical touch can be holding hands, sitting close to each other, holding, hugging, kisses, a neck rub or shoulder rub, a massage etc. Physical touch may or may not lead to sexual intimacy but the intent here is to express and show love to your partner.

5. Offer a safe haven and support to your partner.

Provide a place of safety in the relationship for your partner to express, share and open themselves up to you without fear of being judged or criticized. Offer them the confidence that what they share with you will stay with you and will not be used against them either now or in the future. You are there to support each other, have each other’s back and pull each other up in tough times.

6. Offer empathy and validation.

When there is no judgement or criticism, it becomes possible to offer validation and empathy to your partner. It does not mean that you have to agree with everything that your partner says or does. It is possible to empathise with your partner’s emotional experience even if you disagree with the content of what happened. Empathy is an extremely crucial component to develop bonding in a relationship. It is also a core component of effective communication.

7. Stay involved in each other.

Know your partner’s aspirations and dreams. Stay involved, support, take part in your partners dreams, and see them come true. Relish in your partner’s success. Ask, understand their challenges, problems and offer to support, in the way that they prefer. After all you both are partners for both good times and difficult times.

8. Ask for feedback from your partner.

Make time regularly to talk about your relationship. Ask for feedback from your partner whether they feel loved, valued, cherished in the relationship. Ask about things that you do or don’t that really annoy them and make an effort to address the same reasonably. Make time to air your grievances in a non-critical way. The intent of talking about the relationship is to convey that it is important for you and that you are willing to take the feedback as a way to be better.

9. Account for your partner’s friends and family.

Though we are talking about showing love to your partner, it is also important to acknowledge, respect and accept friends and family of your partner. Their family has been there with them all through their life, and friends come in to life by choice. Mutual respect for each other’s friends and family is important, when you want to show love to each other.

10. Love your own self.

Loving yourself does not mean you are being selfish. If you truly don’t love yourself, it is difficult to truly love the other. That could mean having some time for yourself, doing the things that you really like to do, paying attention to your needs, spending time for self-care and nourishment etc. When you lose yourself in a relationship, eventually resentment builds within. The key is to do this at a reasonable level that works out for the both of you.

Read more about the three types of intimacy in Couples here.

Couple therapy could be a choice for couples who want to enhance their love and emotional connection with each other. This may involve learning to deal with conflicts in a healthy way, resolving past hurt and problems, and learning to give and receive love in a way that both partners feel loved and valued in the relationship.

What are your thoughts about showing love to your partner? Do share in comments.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling / Relationship counselling.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

REFERENCES:
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Gary Chapman

The post 10 ways to show love in action to your partner first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

As a couple therapist / relationship counsellor I often see couples facing challenges with the level of intimacy that they seek with their partner. Many come in to therapy frustrated and disappointed about their relationship with escalating conflicts and finding lesser and lesser ways of real contact and connection with their partner.  In this article, I will try to articulate the different kinds of intimacy in a couple relationship.

When you are in a long term relationship, like marriage or a committed relationship you would expect to experience intimacy between the both of you.  What does intimacy look like?  In couple context I would classify intimacy into three major types. Understanding these could be the first step to understand the challenges that you face in this regard in your relationship.

1. Emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy is the possibility to connect with your partner at a deeper level knowing your partner and allowing them to know you about your thoughts, emotions, fears and to be vulnerable to each other. Are you both willing to respond to sharing and vulnerability in an attuned manner. This involves significant levels of trust understanding between the partners.

This could entail talking about what is important for you, sharing your dreams and aspirations, talking about your past history or even painful experiences, and about your own relationship with each other. You trust that you will not be judged but understood, what you share will be confidential and what you share will not be used against you in any circumstances.

2. Mental / Intellectual intimacy

This involves being able to talk about your opinions, sharing your point of view on different topics, beliefs, values openly without fear of conflict. Even if they are different from each other, you listen to each other with interest and respect. To be able to have a healthy debate or argument. To have stimulating conversations. Showing interest in each others lives and interest areas. To take pleasure in doing activities together. 

Mental intimacy is also to understand each other’s thought processes, idiosyncrasies, differences and celebrating the same. You can be yourself with your partner and be accepted as you are. That is such a liberating feeling to have.

3. Physical intimacy

We can look at two aspects of physical intimacy. One is non-Sexual intimacy and other is Sexual intimacy.

As infants, we were all held and stroked by our mother or mother figure or parental figure. Research has proven that physical touch is extremely important for the infant to have good psychological development. This need for physical touch stays with us throughout our life, albeit appropriateness comes into the picture. So some of this need gets morphed into seeking recognition through words or otherwise. But the need for physical touch remains. Sometimes a simple appropriate touch can convey a great deal of kindness or compassion to the other.

Non sexual touch between a couple could be anything from holding hands, a gentle pat on the back, a shoulder rub, kiss on the forehead, hug, sitting close etc. Touch can be a powerful and effective communication of care, concern, affection and love towards your partner.

Non sexual touch can lead to sexual intimacy based on both partners’ interest and intent. It could be a great way to bond with each other and can enhance the feeling of desirability and boost self-esteem significantly.

Why are some people scared of intimacy?

The need for closeness and intimacy is present in every single person but the extent of the need might be different from person to person.

People who are fearful of intimacy, typically would seek closeness but when they experience closeness or face a demand for closeness from their partner they would push them away or distance themselves – withdraw.

There could be many reasons why a person might be fearful of intimacy. This could be because of their past experiences in relationships, or might be a reflection of their earliest experiences of relating with their parent figures. Overtly though they may seem disdainful of closeness or vulnerability, but deep down they may be scared of being hurt, rejected or disappointed.

Communication is key to building closeness and intimacy.  Honest, open, kind, respectful communication is essential. When you are able to experience true intimacy it can offer you happiness, safety, grounding, security and fulfilment in a relationship.

Read more here about how Active Listening and Empathy can help improve your relationship.

If you are facing difficulty in communicating with your partner or want to build healthy intimacy with your partner and facing challenges, professional help through couple counselling or relationship therapy can offer support and facilitate building a fulfilling relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post Three types of intimacy in a couple relationship first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Are your parents pressurizing you to get married and you don’t want to or don’t want to yet? This is a fairly common occurrence in Indian families.  Here are 4 important conversations to have with your parents.

As a counsellor, I see many clients struggling to explain to their parents, what their preferences are with respect to marriage, whether they want to or not. If they want to, then the kind of person that they would want as their partner and when or whether they feel they are ready for a commitment like marriage.  Disagreements impairs open communication and they find themselves at logger heads with parental expectations.

1. Understand the reasons why they want you married:

Your parents may believe that marriage will make you happy secure and supported.  They may feel social pressure from relatives to handle questions from them as to why you are not married yet. They may want you to be taken care of once they are not around anymore. They want to see their grandchildren and to have that experience through you. Having an open conversation with your parents about this and getting clarity as to their reasons, would help you have a balanced dialogue with them and help them also feel heard.

This also helps you understand how they feel about your stance regarding marriage. Are they feeling frustrated and angry, fear/worry for your future, longing and anticipation etc.

2. Empathize with your parents:

Understanding where they come from and empathising with them is important, for despite their good intention, their approaches might not sit well with you. This gives you a chance to truly acknowledge and address their fear or worry. If there is a fear about your future without a family, then address it by sharing your plans for the same. It is possible that you may need more time to choose your partner or if you don’t want to get married, what is your plan to secure your own future, old age, infirmity etc. If their concern is about dealing with pesky relatives and others, you can perhaps offer to deal with them directly in a better manner. 

3. Clarify and offer your reasons:

Your parents may come from a mindset that certain events need to happen at certain age in your life the way it happened in theirs. And they may have a template about how a family should look like, what happiness is etc. It is possible that your definition of happiness, fulfilment, family, security, support etc could be different from theirs. It is possible that they may not get convinced with your point of view, but it is fair that you offer them your reasons and what you see as your happiness, fulfilment, security in your life.

You also may want to explain your stance regarding children and how it is your responsibility to consider it seriously to make a decision, rather than assume that as a default choice.

4. Parents may need reassurance from you.

Offer them reassurance that you would decide about when, whether and who is right for you. They may consider it their responsibility or duty to get you married. If you would prefer to make a decision by yourself, it is important that you reassure them that you are willing to take the responsibility on your shoulders and you would take decisions when and if it is right for you and how you would prefer their involvement in the process.

Read more on when is the right time and what are your reasons to get married? Here is a reality check. And here are some of the key factors that you need to consider before you decide to get married

If you are still unable to communicate effectively with each other, family counselling, individual counselling, pre-marital counselling could help you find ways to communicate better in your family.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in.

The post 4 key conversations with parents on pressure to get married first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

You must be thinking – what is it about? In India the law says that, when it comes to age, the woman has to be 18+ and a man has to be 21+ to get married. So what is the big deal- right?

No I am not talking about the wedding seasons here and not about the legal age either.

The big question is the word “right” in that sentence. What determines the right time, right age, right preparation? What determines whether you are ready for a commitment like marriage? The way I use the term marriage here, this could be applicable to any kind of a long term relationship commitment.

You need to be physically, mentally, emotionally, financially prepared and ready to enter into a committed relationship like a marriage. Lets us talk about some key factors to consider before you take this significant decision in your life.

But before that, if you are decided to get married for the following reasons, it’s time to take a reality check.

• You think you should be getting married because all your friends are married:

So all of your friends are married and are now couples.  So when you hangout with them it becomes awkward for you to be one of the few singles out there.  Your friends constantly rag you about getting married.

RC: Your friends might have been prepared and ready for a marital commitment. It is no benchmark for your readiness.

• Your parents and your relatives are putting pressure on you:

It has become a nuisance now to attend any family functions and other weddings in the family because the constant topic of conversation is about when you are going to get married. Your parents keep hinting at you, your relatives keep bringing up new possible alliances for you and you are feeling the pressure. And you think by getting married you will keep your parents and relatives happy and off your back.

RC: Your parents might feel it is their responsibility to get you married.  But it is your responsibility to be fully ready for the same. End of day you will be dealing with the good and the bad, the challenges that will eventually emerge and you need to be prepared for the same.

• You are thinking of your age and your biological clock:

Both men and women think of their age/biological clock and how that is ticking – to be attractive enough to find a partner, to have children and at what age and how many years they have to bring the children up, to the stage where the children are independent and so on.  You don’t think you have found the right person for you but the ticking clock puts pressure on you.

RC: If you are not yet prepared for the effort and commitment for marital relationship, then you are definitely not ready and prepared for parenting responsibilities, no matter what your biological clock says.

• You are bored and you are lonely:

You are bored and you are lonely and the prospect of having a new company excites you. The prospect of getting all dressed up and being the center of attraction for a few days for all your friends and family interests you.

RC: The wedding event might be fun and exciting. But that is just a few days affair.  Marriage is an event that happens every day of two people coming together, living together, understanding and supporting each other, sharing responsibilities, loving and caring for each other, being there for each other,  having fun and also having fights, getting to know each other and making relevant adjustments as maybe needed.

So now to talk about some of the real factors that you need to consider before you decide to get married

• Mental readiness to get into a marriage:

You need to be mentally ready to share your life, space, time, goals, finances, responsibilities with your partner.  On areas where you disagree, you need to be willing and ready to negotiate to arrive at an approach that works for the both of you. Both of you will be pursuing your own life goals, but together, providing support for each other in the process.

• Let’s talk about emotional readiness:

Emotionally you need to be available for your partner and also be willing to be emotionally open and appropriately vulnerable to your partner if you want a strong bond and lasting relationship.  Emotional baggage from past trauma or difficult experiences need to be reasonably dealt with and not just buried under the carpet.

• Are you financially ready?

If you are still dependent on your parents to meet your current expenses or don’t have any back up or surplus from your income, managing your post marriage expenses will be a nightmare.  Consider, plan, save and make an emergency fund. Plan to discuss with your potential partner, financial responsibilities and their contribution.

• Do you have the time and energy?

Today we do have very fast paced life and careers. With that in the background, you need to be ready and prepared to invest time, effort, energy and interest in the relationship to build a strong foundation and a strong bonding with each other. Failing to do so, is a precursor for major hard ships ahead in your relationship.

• Do you have clarity in terms of the kind of partner that you want?

First of all, you need to have a clear understanding of your own self, your beliefs, your values, your strengths, your weaknesses, your interests, your priorities in life etc.   With this understanding, it is possible for you to check with your potential partner for a fair match, rather than complete disparity.

• What is your level of willingness and attitude towards adjustment?

No matter how so ideal a partner might seem, there will always be disagreements, arguments, conflicts in a relationship like marriage.  Set expectations with yourself that some things, some behaviors are going to need change and will not be exactly the way they are currently.  Being rigid and stubborn can be significant roadblocks to a new relationship.  And this is applicable even if you both have known each other for quite a long time and have been in a relationship before marriage.

• You need to fulfill your partner’s reasonable needs. Are you willing to give adequate importance and attention to your partners needs?

Your own level of preparedness and readiness reduces the risk from your side and increases the chances of a good fulfilling relationship.  Assessing the readiness of your partner also would give a good indicator of the same. Apart from readiness, and being prepared, open communication, respectful disagreements and setting right reasonable expectations are the way to go, when you follow through with your decision to get married.

And the right time is the time when you are reasonably well prepared and ready.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling.  She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.

The post When is the right time to get married?  How will you know? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.