In today’s fast-changing social landscape, young adults are putting mental health at the heart of their relationships. This shift is especially visible among Bengaluru’s Gen-Z and young millennials, a cohort reshaping how we think about connection, commitment and emotional health. According to relationship experts, this isn’t just a trend; it’s a fundamental change in priorities and relational values.

Inner Dawn Counsellor Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured in Deccan Herald on 19-Nov-25.

Gen-Z and Emotional Literacy: Red Flags, Boundaries, and Compatibility

Five years ago, terms like toxic, gaslighting or attachment styles were mainly clinical jargon. Today, they’re part of everyday conversations among young partners and daters. This heightened emotional vocabulary reflects a generation that:

• Recognises red flags early
• Prioritises healthy boundaries
• Values self-awareness and mutual respect

Instead of suppressing discomfort, Gen-Z engages in conscious relationship building, treating emotional intelligence as a core aspect of compatibility.

Why Mental Health Now Trumps Old Relationship Norms

 Several surveys indicate that a majority of young adults in India are comfortable discussing mental health with partners and see emotional support as a key component of a strong relationship. The Gen-z views that Openness about feelings is now seen as a relationship asset, not a vulnerability. Setting emotional boundaries is seen as a form of self-care and mutual respect.

These trends suggest that today’s young adults are not afraid to pause, reflect, and recalibrate rather than rush into connections that don’t align with their well-being goals.

What This Means for Relationship Culture

Gone are the days when silence about emotional needs was considered strength. Today’s young people are willing to initiate conversations about mental health early in relationships and evaluate if the relationship is enhancing their mental health or depleting it.

For relationship professionals, therapists, and anyone involved in couples counselling, these shifts signal a broader cultural moment, one where mental wellness is inseparable from romantic bonding.

Mental health, Emotional Awareness, Emotional literacy, capacity for Empathy are emerging as relationship parameters

Mental health isn’t just a sidebar in Gen-Z relationships; it’s often the central narrative that shapes how young adults choose, sustain, or exit partnerships. As emotional awareness becomes the new green flag in dating culture, we’re witnessing a healthier, more intentional form of connection that values well-being as much as affection.

The post Mental Health Comes First for Gen-Z in Relationships first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

As Indians, we take pride in being a family-oriented culture. Our families do take precedence and priority in our lives. Parents often make significant sacrifices for their children’s comfort, growth, and progress. Respect for elders is one of the primary values that we were taught as children. Despite that, the instances of elder abuse that are surfacing in the news and media are quite disturbing.

In today’s digital age, not much remains hidden. Visuals that are circulating in the news and media, where elders in the family are being beaten up by their own family members, unwell elderly family members are being abandoned, the elderly are being stripped of their own dignity, rights, and denied basic human needs like food, medical care, and shelter in their own families. These are undoubtedly cases of outright crimes and instances of elder abuse.

Hidden nature of Elder abuse. The role of shame.

Yet for every abuse which is revealed this way, I can only assume that there must be many more which go unnoticed, unreported, which remain hidden, which continue to happen, within the confines of the four walls of what is called a home, a space that is supposed to be safe, and yet the elderly are reduced to a burden and bound to shame. That means so much remains hidden out of sight and goes unreported.

The emotional reality of elders, even if they are financially secure

My mom underwent a significant surgery about 3 months ago. And I stayed with her for the last 3 months to take care of her. Living with my parents, in their environs, gave me an opportunity to get to know their friends and neighbours, their social circle. It shouldn’t have surprised me that about 90% of my mom’s and my dad’s friends’ children all live abroad. I found out that for most of them, the parents and their adult children communicate/talk perhaps once a week or even less.

Some of these senior citizens are healthy, and some are struggling with health issues. Though they try to stay occupied with their activities, social circles, smartphones, and everyday activities, talking with them gave me a sense of a void that they all feel, with respect to the distance (both physical and emotional) from their own adult children and families. Though life expectancy has increased, health and quality of life deteriorate with age. Changing family structures means the elderly are bound to experience loneliness and isolation.

The longing for physical presence and emotional availability from children, not just during serious health issues or bereavement

When there are serious health issues, their children, most of them turn up. But it is painful for the parents to constantly live with this uncertainty,  not knowing whether their children will come or not to take care of them. Many times, they come when the parent has passed away.

And among elderly couples, when one of them passes away, it’s incredibly painful for the other to live and manage alone, with limited support from others, especially with their own children being so far away.

The proliferation of Senior Citizens Residences and facilities (marketed as Paradise and the like) shows us a stark mirror of this social reality. That even if there may be financial support/security for elders, yet, there is a dearth of physical presence and emotional availability of their dearest, their grown-up children and grandchildren. No matter how much the elders try to compensate with other aspects of their life or other relatives and friends, the empty look and longing in their faces left me feeling haunted.

The pain of elderly who are dependent on others financially

And for the elderly who are not financially secure and are dependent on their children, unless there is understanding, empathy, and respect from their families, their later life journey can be quite painful and onerous. Without the loving support from their families, their everyday needs can become a challenge and uncertain.

Other subtle forms in which elder abuse/mistreatment shows up

Elder abuse need not happen in such overt terms. It can be subtle neglect, being ignored, disrespect in interactions, or their needs being discounted, among other things. The recent trend of senior citizens looking for therapy for issues like neglect from family, distance from loved ones, disrespect by family members, depression, anxiety, etc., is indicative of a deeper malaise. Though it is positive that they are aware and willing to seek support, it highlights a degradation of some of the fundamental structures of our society, “the family”. It is high time that we open our eyes to it and ask ourselves what we need to do about it.

Inner Dawn counsellor Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured on Deccan Herald on 14 June 2025.

Read more at: https://www.deccanherald.com/india/karnataka/bengaluru/alarming-rise-in-verbal-abuse-complaints-from-city-s-senior-citizens-3585485

The post Elder Abuse and Neglect in families – The Hidden Crisis first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Day in and day out when I look at the news, every second or third item is about some harassment, molestation, rape or murder of a woman or the girl child. A good question for us to ponder is – Do we as a society understand – Consent and Respect of the other?

What is even more shocking are these recent reports of young children, adolescents, minors engaging in molestation, sexual assault or even rape against even younger children.

In a recent incident in Bangalore, a 10 year old boy allegedly groped a woman in a residential locality, which was captured on video. The women raised an alarm and confronted the boy. The woman said that people believed her only when she showed them the video.

Where do children learn these inappropriate behaviours?

Where do children learn these inappropriate behaviours? How do they get to believe that they can act like this and will not face any consequences? If a child thinks that touching another person inappropriately / forcefully / with out their consent – is okay, what can they do next, unless they get to learn that this NOT OK. Who is responsible to teaching the child that such behaviour is UNACCEPTABLE, WRONG and PROHIBITED.

It is important to understand that people who commit major crimes, do not start with that. They may have started with petty crimes and graduate to more heinous ones.

On other hand smart phones and internet are in the hands of every child. Unrestricted and unsupervised access to internet – leads them to view pornography. Horrendous videos of molestation and rape are available openly on the internet. Children access them and attempt to imitate them in real life, with no understanding or fear of what is NOT OK about it.

Objectification of women is so rampant and is celebrated in Media – be it movies, music videos, lyrics and social media. Recent success and popularity of movies where women are getting beaten or subjugated, shows a mirror to the societal reality.

Are we condemning such behaviour or condoning ?

Every single person that justifies this action or online comments that defend / trivialize such incidents are condoning – encouraging this behaviour. On the other side the societal expectation is that the person molested / assaulted / harassed would not speak up and if they do, there are enough people around to shame them in real life and online.

Are we teaching our children our wards Consent and Respect ?

How do we as a society contribute to this degradation, and how can we learn to be responsible enough to ensure that everyone, especially children learn to respect boundaries (their own and others’), understand consent, understand what is appropriate and what is inappropriate?

We all, as parents, families, social groups – neighbours, teachers, society as a whole are responsible to teach appropriate behaviours and censure inappropriate behaviours. That it wont happen to my child or my child will not act inappropriately, needs to be a belief – that is rooted in reality – based on what we imbibe in our children.

Inner Dawn Counsellor Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured in Deccan Herald on 20-Nov-24

https://www.deccanherald.com/india/karnataka/bengaluru/new-concern-sex-crimes-by-kids-3283493

The post Consent and respect – What you need to teach your child first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Emotions can be strong indicators that something significant happening. Emotions can be motivators to taking appropriate action. All emotions have value to us.  Having said that, not all emotions in all situations help us solve our problems. Also, when emotions are allowed to run rampant it can also result in actions that might be inappropriate and harmful, like crimes of passion or violent riots etc.

As a counsellor/psychotherapist It doesn’t surprise me anymore, when clients experience intense emotions in therapy or outside therapy, they perceive it as a weakness in themselves or something that needs to be hidden or suppressed.

Psychotherapy and Emotions

One of the key aspects of psychotherapy is enabling clients to be aware of their emotions, acknowledge, experience and build a heathy relationship with their emotions and to be able to exercise their choice and agency.

Rakesh and Shilpa (fictional clients) were married for two years. Since the pandemic they had planned for couple of vacations and had to cancel them for pandemic reasons. They were both unhappy about it. Rakesh was also annoyed that Shilpa didn’t get along with his parents as much as he did with her parents. As the lockdown ended one particular week they had plans to go out for dinner.  And for three times in a row Rakesh ended up coming late from work and they had to cancel their plans.  Shilpa got so furious and they had a big argument. She shouted at him and said unpleasant, hurtful things. Rakesh tried to defend himself but gave up after some time feeling ashamed and sad.  She proclaimed that he didn’t care for her anymore and left the house to stay with her friends. Rakesh became even more sad, sulked and vowed to not reach out to her. Their respective friends and families took their corresponding sides and now they are at a lawyer’s talking about divorce.

Both of them couldn’t understand or regulate their emotions and resolve their issues and instead have placed their relationship in jeopardy.

How could they have managed their situation better?  How could they have managed their emotions better?  Did their emotions help them in solving their problems?

1. Understanding the intensity of emotions

When you listen to our emotions you can also listen to the intensity of the emotions. It enables you to ask a question whether the intensity of the emotion is commensurate to the event/incident in the here and now or is it inappropriate.  If it is of inappropriate intensity, then perhaps this might be coming from your past history be it in the recent past or may be perhaps from your childhood. This is a good indicator to determine what course of action do you need to take in the present and what not to.

Do you think Rakesh and Shilpa were reacting to the here and now or on some piled up frustrations from the past?

2. Understanding your go-to/familiar emotions

Is this the emotion that is appropriate to the here and now or is this the most familiar go-to emotion whenever you are in problem situations? Typically, this would be the emotion that was allowed or encouraged in your childhood and got you the results that you wanted.

For Shilpa anger was her go-to emotion which got her what she wanted in her childhood and for Rakesh it was sadness. Her excessive anger as well as his growing sadness weren’t appropriate responses to the here and now.

Do you think their emotional responses let them towards solving their problem?

3. Uncovering and understanding – Underlying emotions – Layers of emotions

On the same given situation two different people can respond with two different emotions.  For example, when people witness or come across an accident, one person might feel compassion, another might experience fear and another person might experience anger. Also, there could be more emotions underneath your first level emotions.

Underneath Rakesh’s sadness he was angry.  And since he couldn’t get in touch with his anger, he couldn’t handle the conflict effectively. For Shilpa underneath her anger was a fear of not being important. And without being in touch with that fear, without awareness she would rather walk away from the relationship rather than face the risk of not being important.

If both of them were in touch with their emotions underneath (primary emotions that are appropriate to the situation) – Rakesh his anger and Shilpa her fear and expressed it to each other could they have truly understood each other and resolved their issue?

4. Recognize your bodily sensations

For many clients who are still learning to understand their emotions, I invite them to be in touch with their bodily sensations which are perhaps more easily accessible.

The body experiences physiological responses like changes in heart rate, tension in muscles, choking feeling in throat, queasy feeling in the stomach, trembling, feeling hot, sweating, coldness, numbness and so on. Each person will have a set of bodily sensations associated to a given emotional response. When you can identify this you can take simple steps relax your body to calm yourself down or energize yourself as appropriately.

Shilpa could feel her face go hot, when she got angry. She could’ve had a glass of water or taken a break to wash her face and come back in a calmer way to resume the conversation. Rakesh felt a choking feeling in the throat when sadness came over him, he could have taken a deep breath, soothed himself and may be moved around to energize himself into the conversation.

Despite calming down if the conflict still keeps escalating, they both could have taken a time-out, taken a break for a fixed agreed period of time, to be in a reasonable mind-space, to be able to talk out their issues towards resolution.

5. Evaluate and choose your options

When you are at an agitated state of emotions, your listening capability reduces, you discount possibilities and options towards problem solving.  When you are aware of your underlying emotions and when you are able to express to each other, in a healthy manner, you are also able to empathise with the other person. This makes it possible to arrive at options that can lead towards problem solving.

Do you think Shilpa and Rakesh had choices and options for solving their problems?

Though the case given here is of interpersonal nature, a couple, these ways of working with emotions are equally powerful to work with individually, on your own emotions in any kind of challenging situation.

Emotions can be excellent signal bearers to our lives. They make life worth living when we are able to harness their power, understand the different levels and layers of emotions, express and empathise with self and others. And when we do emotions can make our life colourful, vibrant and fulfilling.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in.

The post 5 powerful ways of working with emotions first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

As a couple therapist one of the most common complaints that I hear from couples is that their partner doesn’t listen to them or doesn’t respond in a way that it makes them feel understood and comforted. Most of these couples have excellent communication skills but the effectiveness of their communication is seen to be low. Communication is one of the founding stones of any relationship, especially between couples / partners.  And listening is a key component of communication, which when diminished, creates gaps in understanding, leads to more conflicts overall reducing the quality of relationship. Active listening and empathy are skills that can be learnt and enhanced if the partners are motivated to make the relationship better. This typically is a key part of the couple counselling process.

What exactly are you listening to anyway?

When a person communicates either verbally or nonverbally they are communicating some form of content in terms of what happened, who said what, what the problem is etc. They are also communicating what they are feeling or emotions that they are experiencing.

So this is what you listen to – the content of what is said and the emotions which are being expressed. Sometimes you also may need to listen to what is not being said.  

So what is active listening then?

Active listening is a purposeful activity, to listen to what the other person is expressing in terms of content and emotions, with an intent of offering support by understanding appropriately and responding back with empathy.  Active listening is essential for being able to provide accurate empathy.

Active listening involves being present completely with your partner, showing interest in what they are saying, showing a keenness to understand, clarifying your understanding and offering a response without judgement or jumping into problem solving.

Barriers to active listening

Here are some barriers to active listening, but its not an exhaustive list though.

• Looking at your phone when your partner is talking to you.
• Getting bored or losing track in the middle of a conversation.
• Unable to respond effectively to your partner.
• Mentally preparing your response to say even before your partner finishes talking.
• Judging what is being said or the person.
• Jumping in to solve the problem even before understanding it completely or empathizing.
• Invalidating your partners experience or minimizing the impact of it.

7 steps to active listening and empathy that can help improve your relationship

Rahul and Neeta (fictional case)  have been married since two years now. One day Neeta is very upset about an incident that happened at her workplace where a colleague had shouted at her in front of others and she felt humiliated. Let’s use this example to see how Rahul can actively listen to Neeta and be able to offer her empathy and comfort.

1. Being fully present

Keep your gadgets aside. When your partner is talking to you provide them complete attention.  Show that you are giving them your full attention by making eye contact in a comfortable manner. Don’t start thinking of responses to give, first just focus on what is being expressed.

Rahul sits in front of Neeta, who is very upset and asks her “what happened”. She cries even more and he offers her a tissue.

2. Give appropriate verbal or non verbal responses

If your partner is talking about any difficulty or troubling situations etc, give them time to fully complete their sharing.  But in between you can respond nonverbally nodding your head, or use paraverbal connectors. 

As Neeta is crying and trying to tell what happened at office, Rahul keeps using these paraverbal expressions in a way that doesn’t interrupt her flow like “hmmm”, “yes”, “I hear you”, “It’s tough”, “ohh” etc. It also shows that he is paying attention.

3. Ask open ended questions.

Asking questions which are open ended also shows that you are concerned and interested in what your partner is sharing. 

Rahul asks questions like “What happened after that?”, “How did you feel then?”, “Would you like to say more about it?” etc. He wants to know more and also is encouraging Neeta to share more about what happened and how she is feeling.

4. Ask clarifying questions.

Asking questions to clarify your own understanding or to get any additional relevant details. It is important to stay away from curiosity questions or blaming questions. 

“Has this happened before also?”, “Does your colleague behave like this with others as well”, “How did you respond to her?”.  Rahul is asking specific questions, in that process also helping her reflect on what happened.

5. Reflect your understanding of the content and feelings

When you reflect or paraphrase your understanding of what was shared, you are also giving the other person a chance to correct your understanding by asking for feedback. In this process you are also validating your partner’s experience.  And you can do this even if you disagree with the content of what they shared.

Rahul paraphrases saying “I hear you. Due to some misunderstanding at the manager level, your colleague ended up shouting at you in front of so many others and you felt so humiliated. And you felt so angry that you thought about quitting. Did I get that right?”

6. Ask if they want to hear your opinion or an offer of solution

It is important to stay away from judgement when your partner is sharing something with you.  They might be in a vulnerable space and it is important to acknowledge and respect that.  You can ask whether they want your opinion about what happened or a suggestion.  And it is possible for them to say no.

Rahul asks Neeta, “Do you want to hear my opinion about this or a suggestion here? You can say no if this is not the right time”.

Neeta says “No not right now”.

7. Offer any form of comfort

Comfort can be offered in many ways. It could be holding hands or a gentle hug or saying that things will be better or even asking how they would want to be comforted.

Rahul gives her a hug and asks, “How can I comfort you at this moment. I really want to”.
Neeta says “I feel better that you understand what I went through. And for now, this hug is what I need. I am feeling better”.

In couple therapy, couples learn to listen to each other actively and build or enhance their capacity for empathy towards each other, bringing them closer in the relationship.

In an escalating conflict situation when both partners are emotionally triggered significantly or agitated, then listening is switched off. I recommend taking a time out before they resume the discussion on the topic of disagreement.  To understand escalating conflicts read my article on 4 things to do when your conversations are going nowhere and getting escalated into conflicts.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling in Bangalore and Online Counselling over video calls for others residing outside Bangalore and abroad.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +919632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in. 

The post How can active listening and empathy help improve your relationship? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

What is the Inner Critical Voice?

Inner critical voice is a set of negative thoughts, attitudes and associated emotions that we have towards ourselves and others. These would be the first / automatic / default thoughts that come up when we are in trouble.

Shalini got into a small accident on her way to office on her two-wheeler. Though no one was injured including Shalini, and no major damage either to the vehicle, her whole day got ruined. The voice in her head kept criticizing her on and on saying – You are no good. You shouldn’t be driving. You are just as stupid in driving as you are in other areas.

Shawn had a fight with his partner Shiela and they went to sleep without resolving it.  He couldn’t sleep the whole night, with his inner voice telling him that he is not lovable, that he is not a good partner and the marriage is in a bad shape and they may end up in a divorce.

I am sure we all recognise this kind of a powerful, harsh, critical inner voice that keeps us in its grips, beats us into a pulp, damaging our self-esteem. We believe in this voice and accept what it says as a fact and get in to a loop of negativity.   It is not a real voice that we hear but a pattern of negative thoughts and attitudes that limit and restrict us from reaching our potential.

In extreme cases this can precipitate into depression, anxiety and other major mental health issues.  

Here are four simple steps to follow to challenge your inner critical voice and take away its power over you.

1. Be aware of the inner critical voice

The first step is always to be aware that I am hearing this in a critical voice.  To be aware that it is also a thought rather than an absolute reality. Ask yourself how am I feeling emotionally, put a name to it. Also, you can put a number to the intensity of the emotion in a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being low and 10 being the highest intensity.

2. Ask yourself am I maintaining double standards

To ask yourself would I say the same thing to a very close and dear friend of mine if they are in the similar situation? Will I be this harsh to them, and use these words which are scathing and hurtful? Even if they did make a mistake will I label them bad or stupid or any negative label?

If the answer is no, then ask yourself, why am I maintaining double standards when it comes to me?

3. Acknowledge but respond back as many times as you need

Many a time the critical voice may have a valid point. Is it possible for you to acknowledge the same at the same time respond to it in a way to make it soften? Even if I think the critical voice does have a point, can I make it a bit softer? Can I empathize with me despite my mistakes?

Shalini might say – I know that I made a mistake and the Accident happened.  Mistakes are part of life and that is how I will learn to be better. And I have been driving all these years without any major incident.  I am only human and making a mistake just means that I am human.

Shawn could say – Yes, we had a fight. But there have been good moments also in our marriage. I am not the only contributor to this problem. I will renew our conversation tomorrow when we are calmer and resolve this.  All marriages have conflicts and I choose to remind myself that we do love each other.

4. Note down how you feel

You may have to do this multiple times as required.  Once this is done note down how do you feel emotionally and put a number to the intensity that you experience now.  If you are able to steadily confront your inner critical voice, your emotional intensity would have come down. The more the number of times you do this the less powerful your inner critical voice would become.

Where does this inner critical voice come from?  How do they get so powerful?  I will answer these questions in my next post.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling in Bangalore and Online Counselling over video calls for others residing outside Bangalore and abroad.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls.

The post 4 simple steps to counteract that inner critical voice first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

I was the guest on a radio show in 2017 on All India Radio – Rainbow FM hosted by Raj Gunashekar. The topic was “Overcoming Jealousy”. We talk about understanding jealousy and overcoming it. In the midst of the pandemic, I find this topic more and more relevant with major changes in our life style – be it working from home, managing children and their online classes, increasing reliance on social media etc – leading to more proximity but less closeness. Some times we have access to too much information on what each other is doing. And less of privacy and individual space. In the program we talk about Jealousy and envy, the reasons why we experience these emotions and thoughts, how can we use them to our benefit rather get bogged down by them. The key is to understand where it is healthy and when it becomes a pathology. Alternately you can listen to the voice recording on Sound cloud here.

Here is the Part 1 of the transcript.

1. Clinically, how is jealousy defined?  How is jealousy different from envy or covetousness?

Jealousy is an emotional response to a situation where you perceive a threat to a valued relationship,  when you fear that someone or someone’s attention/affection might be taken away from you..   The threat may be real or only perceived.   This can occur on the basis of multiple underlying reasons like fear, insecurity, low-self esteem, inadequacy in the relationship, past experiences etc

Jealousy is not restricted to romantic relationships; it can happen among friends, among siblings seeking parental attention etc.  Here there is always a third party at the minimum.  The intensity, frequency and irrationality of jealousy determines if it is a emotion to be managed or a clinical problem to be addressed. People can experience jealousy in a mild/moderate level – based on their situation, current state of mind or at a pathological level- where we talk about obsessive and delusional jealousy.

I would differentiate Jealously from covetousness and envy.  Covetousness is the inordinate desire to have what the other person has be it materialistic or stature.  When you want what the other person has and when you can’t, you start developing negative views and feelings towards the other person and resent it, then you are experiencing envy.

2. Explain the impact of jealousy on a person’s mental and physical health.

Jealousy can stem from insecurity, low self esteem and can make the person suspicious, hyper vigilant and can lead to more insecurity. Left unchecked this can grow out of proportion leading to anxiety or depression.

Jealousy might also make you feel angry, hurt, over-worried making you stressed – this can kick-start the body’s stress response.  Your body is pumped with stress hormones, your blood pressure would increase, and so would your heart rate, sweating, clammy hands etc all this can happen. And prolonged stress is definitely damaging to your physical health. So yes.  Jealousy can affect the person’s mental and physical health.

3. Is it normal to be jealous? How much of it is healthy?

For example – Lets say A couple is attending a party.  One of them is getting a lot of attention from another guest.  The other partner may feel a pang of jealousy and may move closer to the other partner and put their arms around their partner and join the conversation.   Here the partner feeling jealous is exhibiting behavior which might be seen as – “protecting their turf” or “warding off any rivals”.

Mild / moderate level Jealousy can be an indicator that something needs to be addressed in the relationship.   Jealousy motivates the person to act in a way to get back the partners attention and affection and not to get lured away by someone else. In a way normal jealousy is an essential emotion since it can motivate people to engage in behaviors that maintain an important relationship.

In a couple context they may have fallen into a routine and boredom could have set in.  Mild Jealousy here can be healthy if it can be a wake up call for both the partners to put in efforts to make the relationship more exciting or have more interesting conversations, more romantic activities, make your partner feel more valued etc. But if one partner has been cheating then the other partner needs to do what it takes to confront and deal with the problem together as a couple.

Based on a real situation If one feels jealous then they need to address the situation.  But if the person feels jealous with no real cause or the jealousy is not in proportionate to the actual situation then it is not healthy, then  they may need to seek help from a professional – a counsellor or a psychotherapist.

4. Is this a rare phenomena or an everyday thing that happens to everyone?

Jealousy can happen to everyone of us.  We all have loved ones around us.  Be it parents, siblings, friends, lover, spouse, children and so on.  We do want their love, affection and attention upon us, in different ways in different circumstances.  When we feel that there is someone who is vying or seeking attention from them or that they are giving attention to someone else, it is natural for us to feel jealous.

As I said earlier, as long as the intensity is at a mild and moderate level it is easy to address and even can have healthy outcomes if we can deal with it in an adaptive manner.

5. Who get more jealous – men or women?

Generally speaking both men and women do feel jealous. But it is usually presumed that women are more in touch with their emotions and are willing to express it overly or covertly. But most men generally wouldn’t admit their insecurities and the feeling of jealousy and hence it may seem that women get more jealous.

When it comes to pathological jealousy, though there are no major epidemiological studies, it is generally seen that it occurs more in older men.

6. Which age groups have more of the ‘jealous-feeling’ factor?

All age groups can experience jealousy.  how it is expressed and manifested that would differ based on the age group. Jealousy can be seen even in young children.  Sibling rivalry is one form of jealousy when they complete for parental love, affection and attention.

Adolescence itself is a turbulent phase by its significant transitional nature. They are neither children nor adults.  The adolescent might feel jealous among friends when they feel threatened that someone else can take away their friend or they may lose importance in their friends eyes.  This can cause aggression or they may become extremely lonely leading to depression etc.

In adults, a feeling of  insecurity can be there, low self esteem, suspicion and controlling behavior etc can manifest.

7. Some people may not know they are suffering from jealousy. What are the symptoms?

A Normal jealous pang now and then could be an indicator that you really are concerned about your relationship and want your partner more close to you.  But when it becomes excessive then 

• They start becoming fearful that the rival will steal their partner or their partner might abandon them.
• Become very uncomfortable when their partner is spending time with others
• There are too many thoughts about a possible betrayal
• Start becoming too possessive
• Become hyper-vigilant on what is happening and become suspicious more and more –  monitoring their movement,  internet history, check their phones and emails  etc  
• then Jealousy has become a problem to be addressed.

8. What are the dos and don’ts for a person suffering from jealousy?

First step of all is to be aware.  Be aware that you are feeling jealous.  Accept your jealous thoughts and feelings and calm yourself down. You don’t have to run away from them.  They are just thoughts and feelings.

• Once you are calm check your thoughts. Are these real scenarios or your over-imaginative interpretations
• Understand what makes you feel threatened in the relationship or insecure.  
• Talk to your partner in a non –accusatory manner and communicate in a healthy manner.  See if both of you can work towards addressing your fears.
• Donts – don’t start spying on your partner invading their privacy. Interrogating your partner and accusations on your partner of infidelity is not going to help.
• On the other hand, Since I feel jealous, I am going make you jealous  –  attitude and corresponding behavior will definitely not help.

9. What are the major factors today that can trigger jealousy in a person?

Apart from what I have discussed earlier, in today’s world, social media and gadgets are omnipresent.  Finding your partner chatting with the other person for long can also trigger jealousy. As a matter of fact, when one partner spends too much time with their mobile playing games too, jealousy can happen.  Here the gadget takes away precious time that could be spent with the partner.

10. Which trigger factors are mainly seen in men and women?

Jealousy in men and women typically is seen as sexual jealousy and emotional jealousy. Though there have been studies that have been done, it still remains inconclusive and subjective. What is known is that

Both men and women get significantly affected by suspicions regarding both real or perceived sexual infidelity and emotional infidelity

But it is generally accepted that men get more affected and feel more jealous towards a real or perceived or possible sexual infidelity and women get more affected and feel more jealous towards a real or perceived or  possible emotional  infidelity  – From a evolutionary psychology perspective

11. How can one know that someone is jealous of them?

When your partner is jealous – you will definitely know.  Feeling insecure, hyper vigilant behavior, becoming possessive, becoming excessively suspicious etc could be signs.

12. How to deal with a partner who is jealous of the other partner?

First of all do not invalidate what your partner is feeling.  What it means is don’t disregard your partners jealous feelings.   Whether it is justified or not is the next question.  But first acknowledge your partners feelings and try to empathize with them.

Tying to empathize means, to understand the situation from their point of view even if you are not in agreement.

Try to solve the problem and not see your partner as the problem.  Solving the problem could be to reassure your partner of your commitment, loyalty and affection.  Or addressing the situation in a amicable way establishing clear boundaries etc

If your partners jealous behavior is disproportional to the situation or has grown to an extent that you are not able to handle it, then it is time to seek professional help.

13. Most people are jealous of someone else’s looks, career success, money, job, and the list is endless. How can they help themselves come out of this?

When you want what the other person has or feel inferior when compared to the other person’s possessions or achievements etc and develop negative views and feelings towards the other person and resent it, then you are experiencing envy.

• When you are feeling envious, be aware and acknowledge the same. Make a note of what you are envious about, about whom and why.
• You might have negative feelings towards that person, feel angry and might want to act in a mean manner towards the other person.  Calm down and don’t act on your impulses.
• Envy to some extent can be healthy too – it can indicate what you really desire.  It can serve as a motivation for you to work towards it.
• First of all you need to feel good about yourself.  In your achievements and what you have already and the strengths that you possess. Make a gratitude journal.
• Don’t stew in the envy. Rather make a plan and take an action on it.  May be you will not get there today but you would have made a small step towards it.

14. How is jealousy treated clinically?

Normal jealousy:  If the jealousy is about a situation then the client is enabled to deal or cope with the situation. If it is a couple they are encouraged to talk about the situation and the feelings regarding the same including the insecurities and the jealousy in a non-accusatory manner and the other person encouraged to listen without becoming defensive.  This helps them understanding the underlying needs which they can commit to meet.  In therapy we facilitate the client to

• Understand the past history, past hurts or betrayal or anxious attachment styles
• Understand that the past does not need to determine the present. 
• Help them work on their self-esteem issues and the insecurities if any. CBT is used to help them understand their thoughts emotions and behavior and make appropriate changes

Pathological Jealousy –  are of two types – obsessive jealousy and delusional jealousy:

     People with obsessive jealousy suffer from unpleasant and irrational jealous thoughts about their partners real or perceived unfailthfuness – that they are not able to contol,  This may be accompanied by compulsive checking of partners’ behavior, trying to excessively control the partner etc.  They would know that their thoughts and behaviors are not normal. You would hear them say – this is not me, I don’t usually behave this way but I am not able to control it.  This is similar to OCD.  Obsessional Jealousy is treated with CBT and SSRI Medications – you need to see  a Psychiatrist and a psychotherapist as needed.

In delusional jealousy, the client has strong, but irrational belief that the partner is unfaithful irrespective of no proofs or proofs that they are faithful.  This can occur along with other psychiatric disorders  like Paraniod, schizophrenic or affective disorders  etc . They believe and accuse their partner of infidelity and continuously try to confirm their suspicions.  These attempts could be tortuous to the partner and the people around. Delusional Jealousy is treated with Anti psychotics – you need to see a Psychiatrist.

The post Understanding Jealousy and Envy – how to overcome it – Part 1 first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Why do we believe in stereotypes, hold prejudiced views and engage in discrimination? Do I hear an indignant “of course I don’t”. Sorry to burst your bubble – It is a reality that every single one of us, irrespective of whether we consider ourselves to be unbiased or not, do hold certain biases and negative attitudes and prejudices towards others who we consider not part of our groups. 

Yes it is possible that most of the times we may not act in a discriminatory manner but sometimes we may end up doing so inadvertently. It is also possible that we might end up indirectly condoning such behaviors or attitudes around us.

It is possible for each one of us to do our bit towards bringing down not just the discriminations but also the prevalent prejudices and stereotypes, when we are aware of our own beliefs, attitudes.

Read my article on Linked in.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/discrimination-prejudice-stereotypes-what-can-we-do-kala/?trackingId=e%2FzkRCIOSjeMkn3cwTvlRw%3D%3D

The post Discrimination, prejudice, stereotypes – can we do something about it? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

How does counselling really work? How are clients able to make significant and long lasting changes in their lives?

This is a common question that I am usually faced with when a person calls up to enquire regarding counselling and psychotherapy services that I provide. They ask me, will you solve my problem or will you give solutions to my problem? And when I tell them – No, I do not claim to solve my clients problems, but I facilitate the process through which my clients are enabled to seek the kind of solutions that work for them. They would ask – How does it work, if you won’t give me the solutions, and I don’t know the solution to my problem.

The short answer to that question is that, as a counsellor and therapist, the fundamental premise is that the solutions to your problems, whether dealing with it or coping with it lies within you.  Sometimes you might have the resources for the same within but are unable to access it, because of some roadblocks. And sometimes you might have to develop those resources and seek some of the resources from around you.  In the space of a warm, genuine, and non-judgemental therapeutic relationship, the client is enabled to seek and develop these resources and acquire the skills needed. The therapist brings in their understanding of psychology, human behavior, tools, methodologies etc, but the effort needs to come from the client.

Let me go a bit deeper and answer this question in greater detail.  For this I need to talk about two very important aspects of our brain, which are neurogenesis and neuroplasticity.

Neurogenesis is the process by which new neurons are formed in our brain. Though this process is the most active during the embryonic development, it also can create new neurons in specific areas of our brain throughout our life.

Neuroplasticity is the capability of our brain to change.  We can develop new neural networks throughout our life span. Our brain cells ie, neurons, communicate with each other, through specific connections creating pathways.   These pathways, determine our thought process, emotional responses, behaviour etc. They lead us to access old memories, learnings and experiences, provide us the heuristics to quickly make sense and meaning out of a situation, take decisions and so on.

When a new learning takes place, development of new neural connections/networks and in turn new pathways are made in our brains.

Let me explain with a case: Rajesh (Fictional client) came into individual counselling with certain problems in his marriage.  He was unable to express his love and affection to his partner, though he felt those emotions within himself.  His strong conditioning came from his childhood, where his parents would not express love and affection to each other or to the children openly.  Expressing emotions openly was not encouraged in the family. He was unable to receive overt love and affection, which made him very uncomfortable, as well as to show and give overt love and affection. He was also criticized for his inability to show love by his partner, and he felt inadequate in the relationship.

In the counselling process, he experienced genuine warmth and unconditional acceptance of who he was as a person, without any criticism or disapproval or approval. This gave him strength to explore his childhood experiences to understand the messages that he was given as a child, both explicitly and implicitly, that had defined his understanding about relationships and his behaviour in relationships as he grew up. With this understanding, he realised that he doesn’t have to be stuck with the childhood messages that he had learnt in this regard which were damaging his current relationship. He learns that he has a choice to be the adult that he wants to be, who can make real world choices. 

He is invited and motivated to reflect on his own thoughts, emotions and behavior, introspect on his strengths and weakness and over all his self-awareness improves and self esteem is bolstered.

When there is a focus on the positives and goals in the counselling process it radically interrupts the client’s established negative thinking patterns or unwanted behaviors. When new information is provided through psychoeducation, when new skills are developed, learning happens through formation of new neural networks and connections.  And when the learning is practiced in a safe environment, within the context of the therapeutic relationship, the new neural pathway becomes more established. He experienced unconditional positive regard in the counselling process. He experienced empathy in the process and his feelings and difficulties were validated, and his goals were highlighted. His feelings of inadequacy reduced and his motivation to make his relationship better enhanced.

His new experiences, new learning regarding  relationships, with better understanding of his behaviour and its origins, focus on practicing new desired behaviours and skills etc were enabled by development of new neural pathways, and these were reinforced by consistent practice of the behaviour. 

Rajesh was able to learn to accept positive strokes and appreciation, in the counselling process, and also learnt to provide appreciation to others. The process enabled him to receive as well as provide love and affection to his loved ones over time. Relationships improved dramatically.

In this case study, person centered counselling and Cognitive behavior therapy were the approaches used.  May other approaches and modalities could be applied. When the newly developed network-pathway is used repeatedly, they get strong and the corresponding older pathways are discarded by our brain. New advances in brain research provide the biological explanation on how counselling and therapy can create a lasting change for clients.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a professional counsellor she provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.

The post How does counselling really work? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Does anything that you want to talk about with your partner become a conflict in no time? And does it get escalated quickly before you can even say let’s calm down? You have started feeling that any topic that you bring up would become a sensitive topic and your partner would react to it. You feel that it is preferable to not bring up the topic rather than talk about it and end up in a fight though you know that this is troubling you.

Akshay and Sunita (Fictional example) were having an argument. Earlier that day they had gone out for a dinner along with Sunita’s friends and their partners. During the course of the conversation one of Sunita’s friends made a comment that Akshay did not appreciate. Later that night, he mentioned it to Sunita – “I did not like the tone of the comment as well as what was told either”. And Sunita responded saying that probably her friend did not mean it that way and later try to give reasons why he might have said what he said. Akshay felt that Sunita is defending her friends and further concluded that her friends are more important for her than him. Sunita tried to explain that, that was not the case and when she found Akshay not willing to accept it, she concluded by saying that “OK fine we will not meet my friends anymore and maybe you want me to stop talking to my friends as well”.   She also highlighted that Akshay’s friends also would make fun of her and pull her leg when they meet, and why she shouldn’t take offence to that too. They both felt unheard and end of day felt that their partner does not understand them.

If we look at this interaction pattern between Akshay and Sunita in this example you can see that the comment from Akshay about Sunita’s friend came across to her as an accusation.  And she responded by first “defending” her friend and later “justifying” their words and giving some reason for the same. When none of them worked she made a “counter attack” on Akshay pointing out that his friends also would make jokes about her. And now it’s time for Akshay to deny defend and justify and the loop goes on.

What can you do to break this loop?

1. Listen to your partner first

Listen to your partner first. Listen to the content of what is being said as well as the emotions which are explicitly or implicitly being expressed.  You can try to listen even if you disagree with what is being said by your partner. Request/gently inquire for more information,

2. Acknowledge your partner’s emotions

Acknowledge your partner’s emotions even if you disagree with the content. This acknowledgement needs to be genuine and heartfelt and you can express your disagreement later.  Your acknowledgement can possibly bring your partner into listening mode.

3. Validate your partner

Identify something positive that your partner did or said in the interaction.  Give a positive validation to your partner.  Pick one good thing that they did or said.  Highlight it.

4. Be aware of the deny-defend-justify pattern.

Be aware when you get into the denying, defending and justifying mode.  Counter attacks definitely do not help. Don’t put yourself down either, that could possibly make your partner feel guilty as well. Try to look for something that your partner says that you agree with. Ask for more information. Look for something to agree on.   Even a 5% agreement can also move the both of you forward.

Let’s see how Akshay and Sunita could have handled this conversation in a better manner.

Akshay:  I did not like what he said – the tone of the comment as well as what was told either.

Sunita: Hmmm.  The comment bothered you.  What specifically you didn’t like?

(Gently asking for more information)

Akshay: I thought his comment was belittling me. It was in a bad taste. And his tone was condescending.

Sunita: I guess you felt put down by the comment.

(Validating emotions)

Akshay: (A bit calmer) That too in front of all your friends. I could have said something harsh but I didn’t.

Sunita: You felt belittled.  I understand that.  But you also showed a lot of maturity in not responding in the same way

(Acknowledging a positive behavior)

Akshay: (Lot more calmer) I am glad that you understood.

Sunita:  I do.  We have been friends since childhood and he takes a lot more liberty in pulling my leg like this. And today I guess he took liberty with you.  I am sure it was not malicious.  But I will tell him not to cross the limits going forward.

(Once he is calm, she is able to provide the background for her friend’s behavior, without it becoming a justification)

Akshay:  I am glad we were able talk about it and sort it out among us. Let it be. May be I was being over sensitive too.

Sunita: I am glad too that we could openly talk about it.

Though initially he was agitated, once she expressed that she understood how he felt, he calmed down.  Later once she validated his mature behavior, he becomes more amenable to listen to what she has to say.  Later she gives the probable rationale behind her friend’s behavior.  And also acknowledges she would talk to him to not cross the line. Akshay is now able to reflect on himself and admits that probably he was over sensitive too.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a professional counsellor she provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.

The post 4 things to do when your conversations are going nowhere and getting escalated into conflicts first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.