In an era of evolving social norms, the debate around live-in relationships in India is becoming increasingly relevant. A recent piece in Deccan Herald highlights why experts believe that live-in partnerships need formal legal recognition, focusing on the emotional, psychological, and social challenges faced by couples who choose cohabitation outside marriage.

Inner Dawn Counsellor Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured in Deccan Herald on 01-Oct-25

Live-In Relationships in India: A Changing Reality

Many couples in India opt to live together without marriage for personal reasons, yet this choice often exists in a legal grey zone. Experts say that the lack of legal recognition contributes to:

• Anxiety and insecurity in partners over their rights and future.
• Family conflicts, with parents or relatives frequently unaware or unsupportive of the arrangement.
• Mental health stressors, as couples juggle societal stigma and uncertain legal protections.

Why Experts Are Calling for Legal Recognition

Therapists and relationship specialists argue that legal status would:

• Help safeguard emotional and financial rights of both individuals.
• Reduce the power imbalance and exploitation that can occur when one partner feels insecure about their position.
• Provide clarity in matters such as child custody, property rights, inheritance, and domestic responsibilities.

Without a legal framework, many couples are left vulnerable when relationships change or break down. Recognition could provide much-needed structure and legal recourse similar to what marriages afford.

Live-In Relationships, Law, and Social Acceptance

India’s legal stance currently allows adults to cohabit, and the Supreme Court has affirmed the constitutional right to choose one’s partner. However, this right does not automatically translate into full legal protection or social security benefits. Courts in various states have made rulings to bridge some gaps, but a comprehensive law is still missing.  And there still the matter of social acceptance of couples in live-in relationships.

The recent crimes reported in the media, where the harm has allegedly been caused by the live-in partner, have really put a spotlight on the vulnerability of the state of live-in relationships and the level of social acceptance of such relationships.

What would legalization mean for couples in live-in relationships

As lifestyles shift and relationships evolve, the conversation around legalising live-in partnerships gains urgency. For couples choosing this path, it’s not just about cohabitation but about rights, dignity, and security. Recognising live-in ties legally could be a transformative step toward modernising family law in India.

The post Live-In Relationships in India: The Need for Laws first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

In this day and age, where instant gratification is the norm, marked by quick commerce, dating apps, shorts, and reels, it is understandable that Gen-Z finds sustaining relationships difficult. Truth be told, relationship challenges are a reality for all age groups.

Social medial and online influence on relationship challenges

We are progressively more influenced by social media and online influencers.  One may have thousands of friends/followers on social media.  But in real, how much support do we have on the ground is a big question. Gen-Z also prefers text to talking, meeting, and spending time, which affects the quality of connection in relationships. Phubbing is a common occurrence, being on the phone when you are physically with another person.

Long-term/lasting Relationships do not work in the instant gratification mode. All parties involved need to invest time, effort, and energy into the relationship to make it work, to make it fulfilling. Relationships, no matter how good they are, may not always be convenient. Commitment to a relationship and the effort needed to make it work cannot change and shift based on convenience.

The need for Resilience

Unrealistic expectations in relationships compounded by low levels of resilience mean a failure or a rejection feels like an insurmountable challenge.  There’s a tendency to move from one relationship to the next with minimal or no time spent in reflection or processing the grief of the breakup, learning from the loss, etc.

It is important to emphasize that lasting relationships inherently involve emotional labour. That means the partners need to manage their own emotions and cater to the needs of the other.  Conflicts and disagreements need to be managed and resolved without damaging the other or crumbling your self-esteem. Without emotional awareness and the capability to hold self and the other, there is limited scope for emotional connection, emotional intimacy, and bonding.

I believe that we need to start early with children. Parents play a big role here in offering an emotionally inviting and safe home environment. Schools need to start teaching about emotional literacy, empathy, and compassion. And progressively, at different age groups, colleges and organizations need to take up emotional intelligence and interpersonal effectiveness.

A course offered by Delhi University titled ‘Negotiating Intimate Relationships’ is a step in the right direction.

Inner Dawn counsellor Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured in Deccan Herald (13-Jun-25).

Does Gen Z need a course on handling relationships?

The post Gen-Z – Relationship challenges in the age of instant gratification first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Panel Discussion on Pre-Marital Counselling and Family Well-Being. I had the privilege of being invited as a panellist by the Gender Studies Committee at the School of Law, CHRIST (Deemed to be University),  for a panel discussion on “Pre-Marital Counselling and Family Well-Being”. This was organized as part of the International Women’s Day celebrations,  EMPOW(H)ER on March 10th, 2025.

We explored the role of pre-marital counselling in building healthy relationships, strategies for preparing for marital harmony, ensuring both emotional and financial preparedness in relationships etc.

The panel included esteemed professionals and a moderator to facilitate the discussion.

• Ms. Neelam Kamall, a mental health counsellor and mediator at Looking Glass
• Ms. Latha Prasad, a senior lawyer and mediator at the Bangalore Mediation Centre
• Ms. Kala Balasubramanian a Psychologist and Psychotherapist – Founder of Inner Dawn Counselling.
• Ms Siri a Lawyer and POSH expert – Moderator.

Our discussion focused on the growing relevance of pre-marital counselling in today’s society. As social beings, humans are naturally wired to seek connection and relationships. Pre-marital counselling provides valuable support to individuals and couples (whether in cis-heterosexual or LGBTQI+ relationships) who are navigating their journey toward long-term commitment or marriage. It is particularly beneficial for:

• Couples considering marriage or a committed partnership.
• Those seeking to address relationship concerns before making a long-term commitment.
• Couples in a relationship who want to resolve any prevailing issues.
• Clients entering an arranged marriage who wish to look for compatibility and be prepared for potential challenges.
• Individual clients looking for clarity on their expectations, addressing their fears and doubts if any etc.

The Role and Benefits of Pre-Marital Counselling

Today the definitions of relationships and marriage have changed; gender roles are in the process of change. Monogamy, ethical non-monogamy, and other types of relationships have emerged. And as always, change also brings in a resistance to change as well. Given this changing landscape, pre-marital counselling helps individuals and couples develop a deeper understanding of self and each other by exploring key aspects of their relationship, including:

Assessing Compatibility – Exploring shared values, expectations, and emotional connection
Communication – Effective communication and emotional literacy skills
Conflict Resolution – Healthy ways to navigate disagreements and strengthen the relationship
Discuss Key Life Aspects – Discussion on finances, boundaries, future goals, physical intimacy, parenting expectations etc.

A skilled counsellor facilitates this process using open-ended questions, reflective exercises, and guided discussions to foster mutual understanding and empathy. Active listening, paraphrasing, and empathic responses help model effective communication and emotional connection.

The lawyers and mediators on the panel discussed about how the mediation process can help resolve conflicts and how pre-marital counselling can help in being prepared for marital life and avoiding a lot of pain and challenges upfront.

Key Insights from the Panel Discussion

The panel also explored the importance of:

• Neutrality in Counselling & Mediation – A counsellor or mediator must remain impartial to create a safe space for all clients
• Empathy and Active Listening – Patience and deep listening are essential in understanding clients’ perspectives
• Communication as a Life Skill – Effective communication and conflict resolution are crucial not only for couples but for all interpersonal relationships
• Pre-Marital Counselling for Diverse Relationships – Support is valuable for all individuals, couples, including LGBTQI+ couples and those planning for arranged marriages
• Proactive Relationship Building – Addressing potential challenges early can help strengthen relationships and foster long-term well-being

This discussion underscored the value of equipping individuals and couples with the tools to build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

#PreMaritalCounselling #RelationshipWellbeing #EmotionalLiteracy #ConflictResolution #CommunicationSkills #WomensDay

The post Powerful impact of pre-marital counselling in these changing times first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

In my last video about the importance of Boundaries in Couple Relationship I had asked a few question and I had left them open. As promised here is the video addressing them. 

I had talked about a scenario where one partner feels that they are having a close friendship with someone else and the other partner feels that it’s an affair. The partner who is in this friendship, feels that there is nothing wrong when the relationship is just a friendship but other partner feels uncomfortable with that.

Some Important questions – Aren’t friendships outside marriage important? Can’t we get emotional support from our friends and family?  What if there is no attraction or any sexual undertones? Where do we draw the line?  Let me try to address these questions in this video.

Spoiler alert – There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. What is important is that both partners in the relationship have a common set of answers and understanding between them.

Let me start with a metaphor.

We all live in houses. Why do we stay in a house / apartment? To be safe physically and to protect ourselves, that’s why the house has walls. But a house also has a certain number of Windows to allow for sunlight and air to come in and also doors to allow us and other people to come in or go out. But remember the doors also have locks and windows also have latches. So that we can choose for whom we want to open the doors to, and when we want keep the windows open or closed.

Boundaries to your relationship are like that. They do not intend to cut off other people but to allow them to enter into your space when you both want them to and keep yourself safe and secure when you both do not want them to come in.

It is good to have a healthy circle of friends, siblings, family, relatives etc.  Having said that, it is important for both the partners to agree upon, what is acceptable and what is not for your relationship. Cutting off from everyone else is definitely not advisable.

Lets us look at some examples-   These are not real client names.       

Sharing your relationship issues with other friends family, etc

Lets say you are having disagreements and conflicts with your partner, which is common in a long term relationship. But when you choose to share it with your friend, colleague, family member etc, they are also forming a negative opinion about your partner. And your partner might be uncomfortable for you to share this information with others.  Tomorrow you both might patch up, but the person with whom you shared this information may continue to hold that negative image about your partner.  Do you agree?

Spending or wanting to spend more time with the other person      

Let us look at another scenario- These are not real client names.  

Rakesh and Rupa have been married for10 years. Their life had become a bit monotonous.  Rakesh made a new friend at his workplace.  He found that she was very intelligent and interesting, He starts sharing about his challenges and get emotional support. The more he spent time with her he found more common ground. He was excited to go to work so that he could meet her. She became his go to person to go talk about anything that he felt like. When he would go home, he had nothing to share with Rupa or talk about. Do you think this will create problems in their relationship or aggravate existing issues between them?

Let me list down some scenarios that can create problems in a relationship. Prevention is better than cure.

• This friendship/relationship becomes more important than the relationship with partner/spouse.
• This relationship is more interesting, to share about challenges, about significant events
• Discussing and taking decisions with this person rather than with the partner.
• Looking forward to spending more and more time with this person, online, in person, on calls etc.
• Prefer provide and get emotional support with this with the other person more than with partner.
• Hiding things from partner, Lying to partner – fully/partially/white lies etc.
• Becoming physically or emotionally close with this other person, which the partner is not aware of, or not aware of the extent to, or has a discomfort or objection to it.
• Becoming a significant emotional support provider to this other person, that the partner is uncomfortable with.
• Effort, energy and enthusiasm increases towards this person and it affects the effort, energy and enthusiasm towards partner

The other relationship might be platonic.  But if it takes you away from your marriage or relationship, it is a cause of concern and needs to be addressed before the damage becomes severe.

If you are facing any of these challenging scenarios, Couple therapy / Couple counselling / marriage counselling / relationship counselling could help the both of you set healthy boundaries for your relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post How do Boundaries Keep your Relationship safe? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

When you are in a relationship, you can expect that there will be some changes in both of your activities and behaviours that would be required to build up a healthy relationship.  Certain things that were OK to do before getting into a relationship might need to change based upon your partner’s preferences.  What is OK to do and NOT OK to do, would change depending upon you and your partner’s comfort levels and acceptance. This doesn’t mean you lose your freedom. This means that while taking care of your needs you also need to take into account your partner’s needs too.  If you are doing certain things which are unacceptable to your partner you may want to take your partner’s opinion into consideration and have a conversation around it. These are what are called boundaries of a relationship. 

Through boundaries are needed for any type of relationship, here I am referring to couple relationship – any kind of a committed relationship, which could be a marriage, or a live-in relationship or a dating relationship

Boundaries also would apply to what you share with or how much you interact with someone else or how involved is someone else in your personal life and decisions as well. It would also apply to how much you are involved in someone else’s life. If these make you or your partner uncomfortable, it is time to revisit and realign these boundaries.

I see a lot of couples that I work with have this issue, where one partner feels that they are having a close friendship with someone else and the other partner feels that it’s an affair. The partner who is in this friendship, feels that there is nothing wrong when the relationship is just a friendship but other partner feels uncomfortable with that.

Some Important questions – Aren’t friendships outside marriage important? Can’t we get emotional support from our friends and family?  What if there is no attraction or any sexual undertones? Where do we draw the line?  May be ill make a separate video focusing on these questions.

First of all, let me state it upfront – it is important and healthy to have a good support circle for oneself which could be friends, siblings, family, relatives etc.  These connections are necessary for a healthy life – feeling secure, happy and accepted.  Having said that, it is important for both the partners to agree upon, what is acceptable and what is not with respect to the boundaries of the relationship.

These are – what are I would call as boundary issues or boundary violations in a relationship.  Lets go a bit deeper on this topic.

1. Boundaries keep your relationship safe

Boundaries are needed to keep your relationship safe and not intended to curtail you or distance you away from others.

When you are in a relationship, you need to, not just think of yourself but also about your partner as well. When you get into a relationship or a marriage without this understanding, you might feel suffocated and might feel that your freedom has been restricted.  To be ready, prepared and to have a good relationship/marriage also means, to be willing to take into account your partner’s preferences, choices, comfort and acceptance.

2. Boundaries help to Gain and maintain trust in your relationship

Setting up clear boundaries for your relationship and adhering to them are one way of gaining and maintaining your partner’s trust. You respect each other when you respect each other’s boundaries and the boundaries of the relationship. It builds greater intimacy between the couple and encourages more open communication and bonding.

When you are doing something by yourself, especially in your partner’s absence, or involvement, it is all the more important for you to consider, if that would make your partner feel comfortable or would it not be OK with them.

3. Discuss and decide what your boundaries are – Together

What is ok or not ok in a relationship is to be decided by the partners together.  There will be a need for negotiation and it is best to arrive at a common understanding of the same.

Sadly most couples do not have this conversation or hesitate to have this important but not so easy conversation.  They prefer to assume things and only when things go wrong, or they let it get piled up over time, and when it bursts out like a volcano – then they see the damage to the relationship.

So in summary

• Boundaries are defined for the couple, by the couple together.  
• Both partners need to own these boundaries and that would help maintain the intimacy, trust and sanctity of the couple relationship. 
• The specifics of these boundaries would vary for different couples based on what they both are OK or not OK with.
• It would involve open discussion and negotiation between the couple, to arrive at a common understanding of the boundaries for the relationship.
• Boundaries could be applicable for any kind of behaviour, activity, interaction, information sharing that happens with anyone else outside the couple relationship, be it with parents, siblings, friends, colleagues, including ex-partners and other past relationships. 

Boundaries don’t cage you, but keeps your relationship safe. It helps maintain the intimacy, trust and sanctity of the couple relationship. 

In couple therapy, I help couples understand each other’s ideas and understanding of boundaries and facilitate the negotiation process to arrive at a common agreement on this critical and protective aspect of the relationship. If you are facing problems in your relationship, Couple therapy / Couple counselling / marriage counselling / relationship counselling can help you.

So, do you think you and your partner have common understanding of your relation ship boundaries?   What in your opinion are the key areas where a safe boundary needs to be established. Do share your thoughts as comments.  

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post Importance of Boundaries in your Relationship first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Manipulation can happen in any relationship but it is significantly damaging when it happens between partners. More often than not if interacting with the other person makes you feel shame, guilt, or accused, emotionally exhausted, or doubting your own reality then perhaps you could be getting manipulated. Over time this builds resentment in the relationship.

The person who manipulates would make you feel these so that they can get their way, to get their needs met or to feel good about themselves. It is possible that they may not be aware of or not used to healthy ways of getting their needs met. But that does not lessen the damage being caused to the relationship.

It is important to recognise manipulation at the earliest and address it, without which overtime there is a high risk of escalation of this behaviour which could become abuse in your relationship.

I am Kala Balasubramanian, counselling psychologist and relationship therapist, and in this video, I am going to talk about five signs of emotional manipulation in relationships. And if they are detected early and address adequately, it can save you from tons of heartache and pain in your relationship.

1. Are you watching your step all the time?

Do you feel apprehensive and gingerly when you interact with your partner? Do you feel that you have to be on guard to not upset or anger your partner? Do you often keep scanning the horizon for the next blow up to happen?

This takes up so much of your energy that you could feel drained out keeping yourself out of trouble. This can make you feel very and sure of saying anything or thinking hundred times before you bring up anything significant.

2. Does your partner say something but later on outright deny it?

The first step to address the problem is to acknowledge that there is a problem if your partner claims that there is no problem at all how do you collaborate with them to address the impact of it? Or does your partner say something or promised something and then out right denies it later on – saying I never said it or I don’t remember saying it.  

It is possible that this might make you second guess yourself, and question your own memory or your version of how things happened and doubt your own self. Gaslighting can start like this and if left unaddressed can become more severe and more damaging

3. Does your partner guilt trip you into doing things or to agree with them?

Does your partner repeatedly keep bringing up your mistakes or keep faulting you about things which happened recently as well as in the past to make you feel guilty? And you see that when that happens you end up agreeing to them or doing what they want you to do rather than to stay with your stance.

They might say “if you love me then you would do this”. Or using global statement like “you never really cared for me or cared for my preferences ever” or “you have always been resentful of my parents” or to outright accuse you as “How can you be so selfish? When you know I am already going through so much, how can you bring this issue up” etc, triggering you to prove it to them that what they are saying is wrong, or to drop the issue at hand or to defend yourself that you are not such a bad person after all the way they portray you to be.

4. Does most of your conversations move into blaming or accusing or badgering you into submission? 

Do you feel that a lot of your conversations go on and on and on without any real attempt at listening to each other understanding each other’s point of view? That you feel exasperated and that usually results in you giving up or just agreeing to what your partner wants or taking up the blame or accusation on yourself and apologizing, perhaps just to end the conversation?

It is also possible that whenever you have a problem or bring up an issue with your partner, somehow the conversation gets turned around and you end up being blamed an accused back. What you brought on the table doesn’t get addressed but you end up defending yourself are having to explain yourself or your actions. So there is no problem solving possible over here.

5. Does your partner apologize but keep doing the same thing over and over again?

Ok Let us say, somehow you have managed to explain your challenge in such a way that your partner finally understands it and apologises for it. But then over time you find that – that apology does not hold any value because they keep doing the same thing over and over again. And if you bring it up again it is highly likely that it may get ignored or brushed away or minimised in terms of its impact.

Over time you start feeling that there is no point in bringing up these issues to your partner when there is no active collaborative problem solving. Either you end up blaming your own self or taking responsibility for things which you are not responsible for. As resentment builds communication breakdown and conflicts escalate.

I am aware that it is not a pretty picture that I am painting over here. But this is a sad reality for many couples. Having said that it is possible to break this pattern before it becomes either abusive or irretrievable. In my next video I will talk about a few ways to dismantle this pattern.  But if you’re facing significant distress then you can seek professional help, couple therapy or if your partner is not willing then you can seek therapy for yourself to explore the possibility of addressing your challenge.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post 5 Signs of Manipulation in Your Relationship first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Lying.  One of the common behaviours that we all engage in, somewhere or the other. We may lie about our whereabouts, or saying we will reach in 10 minutes when we know it will take half an hour, we may say that we are not well to take leave at work.  We tell these lies and we assume them to be innocuous. Are there lies in your relationship?  Can you assume them to be innocuous or does it damage the relationship over time? Is it possible to recover from the damage caused by lying to your relationship?

One of my favourite sayings on this topic is
“The greatest advantage in speaking the truth is that you don’t have to remember what you said”

Before addressing the impact of lying on relationships, let us first look at what all would be lying.

– Omitting any piece of information deliberately – a partial truth or a partial lie.
– Hiding something or offering white lies assuming that what your partner does not know would not hurt them.
– Avoiding answers, or offering vague answers to avoid telling the truth.
– To defend yourself or to protect, you may be saying an outright lie.
– Lying could be about small little things are big things in life, but over time they do tend to pile up.

What happens when you lie your partner? Can you assume them to be innocuous or does it damage the relationship over time?  Let us find out.

1. Lying damages the trust in the relationship:

Trust is one of the fundamental pillars of a relationship. When you have been lying to your partner, you might do it assuming it will not be found or that it is too small etc. Trust me, lies will always found by your partner sooner or later. It can make them feel insecure and it would make them unsure about what to believe in and what not to. You may end up sowing the seeds of suspicion in your partner, that they may feel confused about anything important that you ever said was ever true. 

2. Lying does hurt both of you.

Many may justify that, what their partner doesn’t know wouldn’t hurt them. That’s a myth. Lying hurts both you and your partner. Your partner might feel devalued, unimportant and feel hurt. More time that passes, more can be the hurt caused.  And even if your partner hasn’t found out about it yet, you would still know that you lied, that could have a impact on your relationship, in terms of your openness and honesty and involvement in the relationship. It impacts your integrity and your sense of self.

Your partner knows even if they haven’t caught you or confronted you yet. When you are in intimate relationship your partner knows you deeply. They will know that something is off. This can pass them to withdraw or become suspicious. It can also impact your partner’s sense of worth in the relationship.

3. Lying creates a vicious cycle trapping you in a maze of lies:

And when you lie about one thing, you will end up lying for the more to cover it up. And lies have a geometric progression. That means to hide one you might have to say two, three or more lies. And to hide each one of them, you might have to tell two, three or more lies. And you will end up with a big pile of lies on other words a big pile of mess. This can make it a habit and you could get caught in this vicious cycle. You might end up feeling trapped in it, unable to get out of it with out damaging yourself, your partner and your relationship. Some times when you tell a lie repeatedly, you might also end up convincing yourself that it is the truth blurring the lines between truth and lie for you.

Is it possible to recover from the damage caused by lying to your relationship?

The answer is yes. It is possible to recover from the damage and re-build the relationship, provided both parties are willing to put in the effort required as needed.  This will require commitment to take full ownership of your past lies without any blaming or shifting of blame on the other or on the situation. The partner who has been lying will need to take the primary responsibility for honesty and accountability to rebuild trust in the relationship. This could mean, apologizing or explaining with out justifying your actions. To hear out the aggrieved partner offer validation and empathy. To learn from the past and commit to openness honesty ad transparency going forward. Of course the other partner also needs to be willing to look at their own contribution to the problem at hand, and allow for trust to be rebuilt.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post How does lying impact your relationship? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

When couples come in for therapy, or even individuals who want to work on their relationship, one of the key things that we discuss and try to understand is what is their definition of a relationship. What are the components or what I call as pillars of relationship?  Many Couples are surprised to realize that the definition of relationship is very different from each other.

Let me share the framework that I usually offer to clients, a set of pillars that need to be strong to support a healthy relationship.  When even one of these pillars are damaged it does shakeup the relationship impacting its stability. Curious to know what these pillars are?

These pillars are  
1. Commitment
2. Trust
3. Respect
4. Communication

Let’s jump right in, and talk about each one of them in detail. 

The first Pillar is Commitment. Commitment has four layers.

1a. Legal commitment: When a couple get married it is a legally documented or legally valid relationship that is also a legal contract. Here both the partners get specific rights and responsibilities, and if they want to get separated, they may need to go through legally valid process or legal process to get divorced.

1b. Social commitment: If you are committed to each other or when you live together, you also take up a social commitment to present yourself as a couple. You may need to interact with each other families, and friends.  If you have children, you take up parental responsibilities etc

1c. Emotional and Support commitment: Here you commit to address each other’s reasonable needs, which includes love, affection, care, concern, support and so on.  Be there for each other physically, mentally, emotionally, financially in good times and bad times, take care of each other, share responsibilities etc. It is also a commitment to not seek or offer this kind of support outside of the relationship that makes your partner uncomfortable or without your partner’s consent.  What is ok or not ok for your relationship, that is, what are the boundaries of your relationship is something that is defined by the two of you.  

1d. Sexual commitment: To address each other reasonable sexual needs and to commit not to look for sexual experiences outside the relationship, with your partner’s consent if you are in a monogamous relationship.  If you are in an ethical not-monogamous relationship, then the commitment is to stick to the agreed upon rules of your relationship.

The second pillar is trust: 

It is said that it takes years to build trust but a moment to break it and forever to rebuild. To build trust it is important that both partners remain open and honest with each other. Trust also means keeping your words and promises, sticking to your commitments and taking action accordingly, not making tall promises and renege on it. Being consistent with what you do and what you believe in. Saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Being honest about your emotions, admitting to your mistakes and not repeating it and so on.

Many people think that, sharing partial information, withholding or telling White Lies which in their opinion doesn’t hurt the other person etc doesn’t damage the relationship, but it does. Maybe I will do a different video focusing on this topic, but when there are many lies being told, and subsequently your partner will figure it out. And they will not be able to trust if anything that you tell is true or ever told was truth.

The third pillar is Respect: 

Without respect there is no real relationship, when you respect your partner, there is space for them to be who they are, to hold and express their opinions and preferences even if they are different from yours.  To respect each other’s values and beliefs. That both of you know that you would consider each other choices, preferences, comfort levels, discuss with each other and arrive at a consensus for any significant decisions. Respect also could be about valuing each other, valuing what you do, valuing what each other does for the relationship. It is also about talking and interacting with each other’s families respectfully etc.  It also means staying away from disrespectful behaviour like physical violence or emotional abuse, putdowns, insults, name calling, sarcasm, manipulation etc.  Respect means, you both feel safe in each other’s presence, to be who you are and feel accepted by your partner.

The fourth pillar is Effective Communication:

Effective communication is the pillar that enables the other pillars to stay strong. The damage to a relationship first show up in this pillar as communication breakdown. Couples need to be able to communicate positively about how they appreciate each other value each other, how they are important to each other, and how they rely and are interdependent on each other. Couples also need to be able to have difficult communications (have a conflict) but still be able to convey their point of view to each other and understand each other point of views and arrive at a resolution. To be able to clarify misunderstandings, take responsibility for one’s own actions and inactions and apologize if needed. Couples also need to able to understand one’s own emotions, then each other’s emotions and be able to empathize with each other in order address each other’s needs.   

So we talked about the 4 pillars of a relationship.  Commitment, Trust, Respect and Communication.

Remember your relationship is like the house that you build on top of these pillars.  The pillars are somewhere connected to each other. So when there is damage in one it will result in some damage and the others also, and damage when it is left unaddressed for long can ultimately impact your relationship significantly.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post The Four Pillars of a Relationship. first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Do you want to build and nourish a fulfilling and lasting relationship? Do you want to address old relationship wounds? Or are you in a new relationship and want to give it your best chance? How can couple therapy help?

When you have tried to make your relationship better and if it is not happening then what to do? What if there is too much anger and resentment already? What if your past history is impacting your present relationship?

Couple therapy or relationship counselling is one of the avenues that you can pursue. Lot of people ask me about couple therapy and are very confused about what really happens in Couple counselling / Couple therapy.

In general, as we grow up the well-intended parental messages for couples are to, keep your problems within the four walls. Sort out your issues between the two of you as a couple. Make adjustments. Nobody else can solve your problems, but the two of you and so on.

In principle though I agree with these approaches, it is also important to acknowledge that you didn’t get any training for how to be in a relationship. You might have been in relationships and you may have broken up or had a heartbreak etc, but there is very little understanding about how to build and nourish fulfilling lasting relationship. You are left to learn on your own and on the job, isn’t it.

Also when you have tried to make your relationship better and if it is not happening then what to do? What if there is too much anger and resentment already?

One of the reasons why people hesitate to reach out for help is that they don’t understand the process. Talking to a therapist is very different from talking to your friend or family.  Most of the times your family or friends might already be aligned to you and so might be biased. Or they may offer their own personal experiences and solutions that worked for them, which may or may not work for you.

So, what really happens in couple therapy / couple counselling? How can relationship counselling help? If you are considering couple therapy but unsure about it, you are at the right place. And there are many other differences too.

1. It is a safe space

It is a safe space for you to express yourself in the presence of the therapist as well as your partner. I tell my couple clients upfront that it is important that, the therapist offers you a safe space but that they also need to offer a safe space for each other to open up and talk about the difficult things about themselves each other and the relationship.

2. Neutrality and unbiased position

As a couple therapist I would stay neutral between the two parties and will be unbiased between the two of you. At the same time as a therapist, I would also not take the position of a judge between the two of you. 

Many couples comment to therapy expecting the therapies to tell them who is right and who is wrong and expecting you help to play the judge between the two of them. Or tell them how a couple should be or should not be. I do not take a prescriptive view as to how a couple should be. Each couple have a way of understanding and dealing with what is ok or what is not ok in their relationship. I would work with that. And if the couple wants certain things to be renegotiated, then I facilitate that.

3. What will you talk about?

You can talk about anything that is important for you. You may end up talking about how you perceive each other, what happened in the past, how do you react to each other families, your expectations, challenges in day to day functioning, finances, work load sharing, intimacy, unresolved issues and so on. It is not easy to talk and open up to a third person even if they are a professional and wont judge you and stay unbiased between the two of you. So if your partner takes courage to share something or bring up something in therapy then it is important enough to listen to it discuss about it and address it.

4. You may work on your relationship wounds.

I encourage couples to talk about how did they begin this relationship, how did they choose each other, and what happened in between and how they arrived at where they are in the Here and Now.

When there are unhealed wounds underneath in your relationship with either partner, they are bound to surface again and again, in some visible as well as invisible ways, in how you deal with your disagreements, conflicts, your emotional reactions to each other etc. Unless you heal the wounds in your relationship, you will tend to inflict more wounds on each other, damaging the relationship further.

5. You would learn new skills and took to engage with each other in healthy ways

Most of the clients have excellent communication skills. The challenge is not in terms of the communication or language skills but how effective is their communication. To convey what you want and to be received by the other, the way you intended and to be able to check and clarify any misunderstanding would be effective communication in a couple.

Relationship skills that you could gain could be about learning to handle and address conflicts in a healthy manner, communicate effectively by learning to hear and listen to your partner, to see each other’s point of view and most importantly learning to address each other’s reasonable needs and to be able to empathize with each other and offer support, physically, mentally and emotionally.

I am still just scratching the surface of couple therapy.  But I hope this gives you a sense of what couple therapy would look like.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

The post What happens in Couple Therapy or Relationship Counselling first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

In any conflict situation or other situation as well, it is possible that some action or inaction, things that you said or didn’t say, could have caused some emotional hurt, pain, anger, sadness, shame etc. to your partner.

So how do you repair the damage caused?

How would you know if your apology is adequate enough or effective enough to redress the hurt caused in your partner? Though I am using the term partner for a relationship, you can apply these concepts to any other relevant context also.

First of all, the question to ask yourself is – do you truly understand what is the extent of hurt caused with respect to your words, actions or inaction?

If your answer is, “I don’t know and it doesn’t matter”, then don’t even bother to apologize, cause your apology doesn’t mean anything. If how the other person feels doesn’t matter to you then the relationship also doesn’t really matter to you.

When the relationship is important to you, then it is important to repair the damage caused. If you value the person or the relationship then what you could do is to acknowledge and apologize. What really constitutes this apology? What makes an effective apology?

Is your apology as strong as the hurt that your actions have caused to the other person? The apology that you offer needs to be commensurate to the hurt or pain caused by your actions. Unless you truly and genuinely understand this, you may end up offering an apology with respect to your own understanding rather than the reality of the other person. This may not be adequate enough to address the issue and the hurt caused.

Let’s explore this tricky but essential aspect of relationships. Before we go into how to offer a genuine heartfelt apology , Let us quickly look at what is not an apology.

1. When you don’t really mean it.

When you just say sorry for the sake of saying it rather than actually meaning it or regretting the cause behind it or without even an understanding what happened, it is of no use. And things will not change for the better moving forward.

2. When the “but” buts in.

So, you tell your partner – “I know I came late from office on our date night, but you know how unpredictable my work is”

You are blaming the situation for your late arrival. not really focusing on how that impacted your partner.  And once the but comes in, it perhaps becomes a justification which cancels out the intended apology.

3. “Yes I raised my voice – but you also irritated me or you also hurt me earlier”.

Here you are not taking responsibility for your part in the issue. Blaming the other person is not an apology.

4.”I am sorry if my words or action hurt you.”

“If” – do you really know the impact of your words or action on your partner?

5. “Ok I told sorry right?  what else you want from me?”

I don’t have to explain that for sure. Your tone and body language communicate more than your words. There is absolutely no regret there.

6. “I am sorry that I did that. Is it such a crime? Aren’t you over reacting?”

You are defending yourself and completely invalidating your partner’s experience. Be prepared for an escalation, worsening of the situation and definitely no reparation.

7. “I’m sorry that I did but I never intended to hurt you. “

Whether you intended to hurt or not, hurt has been caused. Are you willing to take responsibility even if it was done inadvertently?

8. “I am sorry. I am such a lousy person. what can you expect out of me?”

Whether you blame the other person or blame your own self l for that matter, it is of no use because you aren’t taking responsibility. Situation will not improve.

Now that we have talked about what is not an apology, let’s look at how to offer a genuine and heartfelt apology.

1. Do you truly understand what really was the impact on your partner?

If you don’t, please talk to them and ask about it. Have a conversation with an intent to understand. They may blame you or accuse you in the moment, but be patient to understand their point of view.

You can say – “I know I did that. And I see that you are very hurt or saddened by my actions. Would you like to talk to me about it?” And listen attentively when they open up and share.

If they say that they need time, give them time, but then approach them again on the topic. Do not deny, defend or justify your actions. Then it’s not an apology and it would only worsen the situation.

2. Are you willing to take responsibility for your contribution?

There could have been many reasons that might have led to that action that you did that hurt your partner. And you might not have intended to hurt.

“I hear you. What I said that day has really hurt you.  I shouldn’t have said that. I can see how hurtful it would have been for you”

The intent is to empathize and to Validate your partner’s experience. Once they have come down emotionally, and willing to accept your apology, then you can clarify that you didn’t really intend to hurt them.

3. Is it your apology followed up by a corrective reparative action?

How are you going to make up for the hurt caused? What have you learnt from this experience? How are things going to be different and better in future?

You can say “I know I hurt you. I feel terrible about it. how can I make it up to you?”

If they are willing to receive your apology then offer how you would do things differently in the future. But don’t rush to the future. If your partner wants to talk more or discuss more about what really happened listen to them patiently with an intent to understand.

Once they have expressed whatever they want to completely, then you can talk about the future. “I promise that I will talk to you more respectfully and won’t ignore you in future. I assure you of that”.

There is no point in apologizing if you are going to do the same thing again and again. Make sure there is a change in your approach and behaviour going forward.

So in Summary – here are the 3 steps to follow to offer our heartfelt and genuine apology

1. Understand the impact of your actions on your partner. Listen to them encourage them to express themselves.
|2. Take responsibility for your contribution
3. Ensure you take a corrective reparative action and not to repeat the same thing again.

Having said that, it is important that your partner also is willing to receive your apology.

A genuine apology can mend and heal the damage to the relationship. An apology without a real change is just manipulation.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, TA etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

The post How to Apologize when You Hurt Someone you Love? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.