Online toxic trolling, body shaming – has been put on a spotlight with the recent trolling of the UP Class 10 topper, for her physical appearance. It is heart breaking to see how a young bright student’s success has invited so much hatred and toxic trolling online, making this moment of celebration into a nightmare.

For a young child / adolescent, the support of family, friends and school is absolutely critical to help them not get significantly impacted by such trolling. In the absence of support it can cause anxiety, depression, and other stress-related disorders. In extreme situations, some children may resort to self harm or even suicidal ideation or attempts.

What support can parents and others provide

Parents can encourage the child to stay away from social media for a while, talk to parents if something is troubling them / share their feelings (sad, scared, confused, hopeless, worthless and more) which parents are not aware of, or seek professional help in the form of counselling for the young child / adolescent as needed.

Social media companies also need to be held accountable for what is posted on their platforms, be it hate messages or toxic trolling or the likes.

Why do people engage in toxic trolling

On the other hand, trolls in general come from a space of low self esteem or cannot empathise with the pain of the other whom they are trolling. They may be externalizing their aggression to cope with internal negative feelings. Anonymity, emboldens online trolls, to say anything online and get away with it. And they believe that they cannot be held accountable. When they succeed in getting a reaction, they get encouraged to troll more. Trolling at an extreme is a form of abuse and and harassment.

When parents and teachers can teach their wards, about the impact of their actions and feel empathy for other’s pain, the next generation at least can learn to be more socially responsible both in their online and in person actions.

Inner Dawn Counsellor / Psychotherapist Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured in the Indian Express 1-May-2024.

Click here for The article on Indian Express

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In 10 years of my professional practice as a psychotherapist I have heard this statement from many of my clients after they have been in therapy for a while. That they wished that they were aware of such a support available and hadn’t hesitated to seek support for themselves earlier. Sadly, there is still a lot misconceptions and myths around counselling and therapy. Though I have seen progress in last 10 years it still pains me to see that there is still a lot of hesitation around seeking support from counselling or therapy.

In this video I would attempt to debunk certain myths and misconceptions regarding counselling or therapy. Here is the verbatim of this video in this article. You may see me use these two terms counselling and psychotherapy interchangeably, But there are some differences and I will make a video about it later. but in the current context these myths that I am going to debunk are equally applicable to both.  

Myth number 1 : Only weak people seek counselling

That can be nothing farther from the truth in this regard. Most of the clients that I work with are healthy, intelligent, smart, strong, happy and pretty successful In most part of their lives. Seeking help and support does not mean that you are weak. As a matter of fact it takes a lot of strength and courage to ask for help when you actually need it.

Myth number 2 : If you are in counselling it means something is wrong with you or you should have a serious mental health issue.

Not really.  Mental health issues like depression and anxiety or any significant psychological disorders may need treatment and therapy can benefit them. And mental health issues are as common and normal as physical health issues. Having said that counselling and therapy can benefit everyone. People seek counselling for dealing with their stress, relationship issues or improvement, parenting challenges, work life balance, grief and so on. 

Myth 3 : The counsellor will solve my problems. The Counsellor will give me solutions and advise me as to what I should do.

The Counsellor neither offers instant solutions nor gets into doling out advices. Counselling is a collaborative process where you and your counsellor would work together as a team. Though the counsellor brings onto the table their understanding of psychology, human behaviour, methodologies, frameworks etc, at the end of the day you are the expert in your life.

We believe that each person has the resources and the capacity to address their own challenges. The counsellor will facilitate the process for you to understand yourself better understand your situation better, to figure out what are the resources that you need, knowledge and skills that you need to acquire and help you in the process of acquiring them so that you are able to move from where you were to where you want to be.

Myth 4 : My therapist would be all sorted and would have no problems in their life

Your therapist is a human being too, and the human condition makes us all vulnerable to challenges in life. Yes your therapist would have done adequate personal work and would be in on going personal therapy themselves to deal with their challenges in a more effective manner. But that does not make them immune to problems or challenges.

It is very common for therapists themselves to have undergone struggles and adverse situations in their personal life. And this can enable them to be more compassionate, understanding, warm and empathetic towards clients. So your therapist may still be facing problems in their life but they actively work on it and on themselves on an ongoing basis.

Myth 5 : The therapist would change me and make me do things that I don’t want to

Nothing really happens in therapy without your consent. You are never asked to do anything in the therapy process that your unwilling to or uncomfortable with. Sometimes the therapist might suggest a process or activity or topic for discussion but you do have the power and agency to accept or say no to it.

It is possible that the changes that you seek can have an impact on your environment or people around you.  They may be surprised or react differently. The therapeutic relationship itself could be a positive influence on you but is never used to manipulate or get you to do anything without your consent.

Myth 6 : Let me talk about couple counselling. Couples think they need to come to therapy only when they are about break up or about to get a divorce.

It really saddens me to see that some couples come in to therapy when they have already filed for divorce or about to. But I’ve also seen couples move forward from there and rebuild their relationship when they are able to put their heart and mind into it.

You can seek support from couple therapy when you feel that relationship is in a rut or when you find that conflicts are escalating between the two of you or you are not feeling emotionally connected with each other, Or it is that you want to enhance your relationship and make it stronger and more fulfilling.

Myth 7 : In couple counselling the counsellor / therapist will fix my partner

In couple counselling the therapies actually in does not take sides between the two partners. The therapist is neutral and unbiased and facilitate the process for both to listen and understand each other, does not take a prescriptive view in terms of how relationship should be and would invite both of you to look in words to say how each one of you contributes to the issues at hand.

The therapist doesn’t fix either of you. But facilitates you both to resolve and heal the wounds in your relationship if any, and to make changes in your own self to enhance the relationship.

The post 7 Myths around Counselling and Therapy Debunked first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Who doesn’t want a healthier, happier, more fulfilling life, Fulfilling relationships? Don’t we all want to be a better version of ourselves? So what stops us? Where do we get stuck? And why? What are the barriers that stop us from growth, from moving forward? A good question to ask would be why do I think, feel and act the way I do?

I am Kala Balasubramanian, founder of inner Dawn counselling, Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist. I have been working with people from different walks of life since more than 10 years now facilitating their movement, towards their goals. In the channel I will attempt to answer some of these questions. I would like to share the understanding and experience that I have gained in life and in my work as a Psychotherapist, with the hope that these videos will offer you new ways to understand yourself better, your situation better through the lens of psychology. So that you can learn understand and gain skills to bring to your barriers and create a life for yourself that you have always wanted.

Let me make it clear that the videos in the channel are not a replacement for counselling, therapy, treatment or medical advice as appropriate. Having said that in my next video would attempt to bunk some of the myths around counselling and therapy and give you a sense of what the counselling process is about.

I look forward to this journey together with you towards health growth and awareness.

The post Inner dawn YouTube channel. What do we offer here? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

This is not a replacement for therapy or treatment as appropriate.

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As a counsellor / therapist one of my focus areas with my clients would be to help them build / enhance a healthy support system around themselves. One such support system could be having good friends and this is one of the significant steps in their progress.

Friendship is defined as “a state of enduring affection, esteem, intimacy, and trust between two people” (Britannica.com)

We make a lot of friends throughout our life and there are many different kinds of friends that we may come across. And I am not definitely talking about the friends list from social media. Whoever comes into our life has a role to play, some for a short duration and some for long. Some may be fun to be around, have interesting stories to tell, some you may have common interests with, work colleagues, neighbours etc. Many may come into your life and many may move out too.  

Here are a few types of friends, whom if you are fortunate to have, are to be cherished and not let go.

1. A friend who believed in you when you yourself didn’t.

When you are doing well there will be a lot of people around you to praise you and want your company. But when things are not going good for you, who is the person who believes in you, when you are doubting yourself.  The one who tells you, you can do it, it is just a matter of time, focused effort and encourages you to stay on track.

2. A friend who calls a spade a spade.

Times when you are about to make a mistake or already did, your friend calls out your behaviour in private and tells you that you are making a mistake or a blunder.  In public they still have your back and help you address or sort out the mistake / issue.

3. A friend who makes time for you and listens to you.

A lot of people would spend time with you when it is convenient for them.  The friend who makes time for you even if it is inconvenient for them is valuable. One of the most precious gift that someone can offer you is the gift of time and attention. They offer you true listening and not judge you.

4. A friend who offers you safety and keeps your secrets.

This friend doesn’t gossip. What you shared with them does not go anywhere from them. You feel safe talking and sharing with them with the knowledge and confidence that what you share with them will remain with them and will not be used against you.

Having good friends can reduce the level of stress, enable you to cope with challenges in a healthy manner and lead to over all enrich your life in multiple ways.

Recognize and value these friendships.  They add value to your life and help you grow as a person and be better as a person.

What to you think? Can you think of other highly valuable friendships? Add in the comments section.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in.

The post 4 types of friends to cherish and not let go first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

You have been in therapy for a while and if you feel stuck and you not progressing for quite some time, what can you do about it? Therapy/counselling is a process and it takes time, effort and involvement. So don’t jump to this conclusion very quickly without going through the process.

1. Talk to your therapist about how you feel about therapy.

Talk to your therapist and bring it up.  Express how you feel about therapy and your therapist, even if you think it is not positive, there is value in expressing how you feel and processing it with your therapist. That itself could be a therapeutic process and might help you move forward.

You can discuss what works and what doesn’t for you, where you feel stuck and what do want from the therapy process.  Your therapist will take your concerns seriously without becoming defensive and perhaps could change their approach / pace and would openly discuss with you and collaborate to address your concerns.

2. Reflect on what is your level of involvement in the therapy process.

Therapy is an involved process.  It is a purposeful relationship that you and your therapist are voluntarily involved in, towards a defined outcome. Are you only discussing on and on about your problems? Therapy is a space where you seek change. Your therapist cannot make you change, its an internal process which can only be facilitated for you, with your consent.

It’s a good practice to reflect on, “What am I here for?  What am I willing to do to reach my defined purpose? What feelings emerge for me, when I think of change or moving forward?” This could be starting from doing the activity/homework that you agreed upon or reflection/introspection process or journaling and so on. Your therapist may gently explore with you if there are any payoffs (hidden benefits) for remaining where you are.

There might be unconscious ties to your current situation, behaviour, relationships which could be painful but familiar to you from your own past history.  Familiarity could be perceived unconsciously as safety and a change be seen as dangerous unknown territory. 

3. Are you able to be open and honest with your therapist?

How open and honest are you with your therapist? Do you feel safe and comfortable to talk to your therapist about anything about yourself or your experiences? Have you hidden or avoided discussing any important incidents or experiences which come up for you? Clients can experience guilt, shame in disclosing about certain aspects of their lives or about their childhood or their parents/loved ones.

These could have relevance to the current issue that you are facing. Is there something that is making you feel hesitant to share important details with your therapist?

Therapy is a collaborative process, and without your cooperation and full involvement, the therapist cannot facilitate the change that you are looking for.

4. If you have a clinical condition, you could consider medication.

If you are depressed or anxious and once a week therapy is not showing progress, you perhaps may need a different form of therapy or a clinical intervention or see a medical practitioner.  Your therapist could possibly recommend you to see a qualified psychiatrist or provide a referral too.  If needed you can also request for / your therapist also could recommend a change in the frequency of your therapy sessions.

If you meet with a psychiatrist and are prescribed medications, it is your responsibility to stay on medication be in regular contact with your psychiatrist as advised. Medication in conjunction with therapy could help you progress forward.

5. You can also look for another therapist. 

If still things don’t work you can talk to your therapist and close the process and find yourself a new therapist. Sometimes there could be specific personality aspects between the client and therapist that may not allow for a good therapeutic alliance to develop. Your therapist may be able to provide you an appropriate referral suitable for you. Do not drop off from therapy abruptly without discussing about it with your therapist.  I contract with my clients to have a discussion with me if they choose to terminate therapy before the agreed upon goals are met or for any other reasons whatsoever.

Before arriving at that decision of looking for a new therapist, do reflect on how many therapists have you changed till now.  If the answer is many, then that is an important aspect to reflect and work through. Another therapist in a long list of therapists will not help unless this is addressed.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in.

The post 5 things to do if you think therapy is not working for you first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Blaming the other person for any problem is easily understood as different from taking responsibility.  The difference is simple and clear. Having said that, many a times we blame ourselves and we assume that we are taking responsibility. Self-blame is very different from taking responsibility.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself to understand how much you blame or criticize your own self.

1. What’s your immediate thought or inner voice you hear when you make a mistake? 

Neeta was rushing with her father to attend a friend’s marriage because she was late. On top of that she forgot to take the gift from her home, which she realized 10 minutes after leaving the house.  They had to drive back home to pick up the gift.  She was furious with herself, and couldn’t stop telling herself how stupid she was, to have forgotten the gift.  Neeta had a pattern of forgetting important things when she was travelling.

2. What do you tell yourself in a difficult situation that is beyond your control?

Raj’s father had a heart attack and was admitted to the hospital. Raj couldn’t stop blaming himself or not having him get a health check-up earlier and that he should have seen this coming and that he was a bad son to have let this happen.

3. Do you blame yourself for the other person’s behaviour or even emotions?

Ajay came home from the office in a bad mood.  And he has a tendency and history of violent behaviour. His three year old daughter wanted him to play with her and hence kept asking him so. He became very angry shouted at his daughter and stormed out of the house. Shweta his wife blamed herself for not stopping her daughter.

4. Do you blame yourself to do nothing about the situation?

Rakesh again forgot to buy medicines for Deepa. When Deepa got upset about it, he blamed himself saying I am such a lousy person and what can I do about it? I am so bad a person that your life is getting spoilt with me.  Deepa had to console him and convince him that he is not a bad person.

Blaming self doesn’t result in solving the issue at hand

If you look at each of these scenarios, the action of blaming themselves didn’t result or contribute in solving the issue at hand, it made them feel worse and disempowered. The situation remained the same or became worse.

In the scenarios listed above, how would it be if they were to take responsibility instead of self-blame.

Neeta reflects on why she forgets important things especially when she was travelling. She decides to make a list of things to take whenever she travels. She also decides to ensure that she is ready to leave 10 minutes in advance. And check the list she made to ensure that forgetting things doesn’t happen again.

Raj takes good care of his father.  He accepts that there are things that are inevitable and will happen.  He ensures that his father gets the best of care and schedules regular check-ups going forward.

Shweta realizes that Ajay’s violent behaviour, shouting etc are abusive in nature.  She confronts him and tells him that she will leave him with her daughter if he doesn’t mend his ways and stops the abuse. She asserts herself and takes the support of her friend a lawyer to get protection for herself and her daughter.

Deepa doesn’t console Rakesh but tells him that if he really feels remorse for forgetting her medicines, the he should learn to not forget them and do what he promises to do.  She refuses to buy his “poor me” story and holds him accountable.  Rakesh realizes that he cannot escape his responsibilities by self-blame and that it would not be bought by Deepa.

Though self blame and responsibility might seem similar they are as different as chalk and cheese. 

Taking responsibility is a process of personal growth and accounting for one’s own self, others and the situation. Self blame or other blame is a process of discounting self or the other respectively and leads to stagnation in life.

Counselling or therapy could be a safe space for you to move from a space of self-blame to taking responsibility. The therapist could gently facilitate your awareness as to how it came to be this way and to explore ways of effecting the shift towards a more aware and empowered life.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in.

The post How is self-blame different from taking responsibility? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

How does counselling really work? How are clients able to make significant and long lasting changes in their lives?

This is a common question that I am usually faced with when a person calls up to enquire regarding counselling and psychotherapy services that I provide. They ask me, will you solve my problem or will you give solutions to my problem? And when I tell them – No, I do not claim to solve my clients problems, but I facilitate the process through which my clients are enabled to seek the kind of solutions that work for them. They would ask – How does it work, if you won’t give me the solutions, and I don’t know the solution to my problem.

The short answer to that question is that, as a counsellor and therapist, the fundamental premise is that the solutions to your problems, whether dealing with it or coping with it lies within you.  Sometimes you might have the resources for the same within but are unable to access it, because of some roadblocks. And sometimes you might have to develop those resources and seek some of the resources from around you.  In the space of a warm, genuine, and non-judgemental therapeutic relationship, the client is enabled to seek and develop these resources and acquire the skills needed. The therapist brings in their understanding of psychology, human behavior, tools, methodologies etc, but the effort needs to come from the client.

Let me go a bit deeper and answer this question in greater detail.  For this I need to talk about two very important aspects of our brain, which are neurogenesis and neuroplasticity.

Neurogenesis is the process by which new neurons are formed in our brain. Though this process is the most active during the embryonic development, it also can create new neurons in specific areas of our brain throughout our life.

Neuroplasticity is the capability of our brain to change.  We can develop new neural networks throughout our life span. Our brain cells ie, neurons, communicate with each other, through specific connections creating pathways.   These pathways, determine our thought process, emotional responses, behaviour etc. They lead us to access old memories, learnings and experiences, provide us the heuristics to quickly make sense and meaning out of a situation, take decisions and so on.

When a new learning takes place, development of new neural connections/networks and in turn new pathways are made in our brains.

Let me explain with a case: Rajesh (Fictional client) came into individual counselling with certain problems in his marriage.  He was unable to express his love and affection to his partner, though he felt those emotions within himself.  His strong conditioning came from his childhood, where his parents would not express love and affection to each other or to the children openly.  Expressing emotions openly was not encouraged in the family. He was unable to receive overt love and affection, which made him very uncomfortable, as well as to show and give overt love and affection. He was also criticized for his inability to show love by his partner, and he felt inadequate in the relationship.

In the counselling process, he experienced genuine warmth and unconditional acceptance of who he was as a person, without any criticism or disapproval or approval. This gave him strength to explore his childhood experiences to understand the messages that he was given as a child, both explicitly and implicitly, that had defined his understanding about relationships and his behaviour in relationships as he grew up. With this understanding, he realised that he doesn’t have to be stuck with the childhood messages that he had learnt in this regard which were damaging his current relationship. He learns that he has a choice to be the adult that he wants to be, who can make real world choices. 

He is invited and motivated to reflect on his own thoughts, emotions and behavior, introspect on his strengths and weakness and over all his self-awareness improves and self esteem is bolstered.

When there is a focus on the positives and goals in the counselling process it radically interrupts the client’s established negative thinking patterns or unwanted behaviors. When new information is provided through psychoeducation, when new skills are developed, learning happens through formation of new neural networks and connections.  And when the learning is practiced in a safe environment, within the context of the therapeutic relationship, the new neural pathway becomes more established. He experienced unconditional positive regard in the counselling process. He experienced empathy in the process and his feelings and difficulties were validated, and his goals were highlighted. His feelings of inadequacy reduced and his motivation to make his relationship better enhanced.

His new experiences, new learning regarding  relationships, with better understanding of his behaviour and its origins, focus on practicing new desired behaviours and skills etc were enabled by development of new neural pathways, and these were reinforced by consistent practice of the behaviour. 

Rajesh was able to learn to accept positive strokes and appreciation, in the counselling process, and also learnt to provide appreciation to others. The process enabled him to receive as well as provide love and affection to his loved ones over time. Relationships improved dramatically.

In this case study, person centered counselling and Cognitive behavior therapy were the approaches used.  May other approaches and modalities could be applied. When the newly developed network-pathway is used repeatedly, they get strong and the corresponding older pathways are discarded by our brain. New advances in brain research provide the biological explanation on how counselling and therapy can create a lasting change for clients.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a professional counsellor she provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.

The post How does counselling really work? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

In part 1 of this series I talked about learning to identify and label the emotions that we experience in different circumstances.

In Part 2 of this series I would talk about how we can understand our emotional process better so that we get a better hang of managing and regulating our emotions.

There are four distinct components to any experience that we have. Any event or incident or memory that we experience creates a series of processes in us which we can learn to be aware and identify.  The event/experience is interpreted based upon our own set of past experiences and learning which give rise to a set of thought processes/interpretations regarding the event or experience or memory.  This also gives rise to a set of emotions, and also a set of bodily or physical reactions that can arise. Based upon our thoughts, emotions and physical reactions we might engage in a set of behaviors as well. The current emotional state can also influence how the interpretation of the event is done and influence the bodily reactions as well.  

The diagram above showcases the different components of any experience and also the relationship between all of them. You will notice that that each one of these component can affect and influence each other. 

So if you want to understand the emotional process better with the intent to regulate the same, then the following steps can be followed.  As I mentioned in part 1 it is a good practice to maintain a small notebook or a journal in which you can write down a descriptive of your experience with respect to these components.

1. The Event

Write down the event that is happening or happened or the memory of the event from the past, or a current incident that triggers these memories.  Describe the events in as much detail as possible, without judging the same.

2. The immediate thoughts and the meaning assigned

Write down the thought process or the images in your mind that occurs to you when the event happened when you experienced it or post the event. Also write down your interpretation of the event, in other words the meaning that you assigned to the event.

3. Label the emotions that arise

Based upon the interpretation or meaning that you assigned to the event or incident, one or more emotions might arise.  Identify the emotions and label them accordingly.

4. Physical Reactions

Scan your body for any physical reaction in any part of your body from the top of your head to the tip of your toes.  These physical reactions could be, any tingling in a particular body part, tightness, warmth, chill, breathing patterns, heart rate, sweating, choking, etc or any other physical feeling that is different from normal.

5. Behavioral response / Action

What did you do about it? How did you express your thoughts and how did you express your emotions ? What behavior did this result in? What action did you take about it? How did you feel after this expression or behavior? Was the outcome helpful to you or unhelpful to you?  You might have raised your voice, gone silent, cried, walked away, talked about it in a calm way and so on.  Describe your behavior/behaviors.

Writing down these would give you a good insight about your own internal processes with respect to how you make sense of an event or memory and how that results in set of feelings or emotions and how that influences your actions or behavior subsequently. IT might surprise you that you may have never given so much attention to the process that happens internally, and this insight can help you manage your emotions and behavior better.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a professional counsellor she provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples, help explore their emotions, facilitate them to understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.

The post Emotion Regulation Part 2: Understanding the emotional process first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Are you having more and more conflicts with your spouse? Are your conflicts escalating, even when you are trying to resolve the same?

Sharad and Sonia started their marriage on a wonderful note. Beautiful wedding, exciting, romantic and interesting places for their honeymoon.  They settled down in a beautiful new apartment in the heart of the city.  Life seemed wonderful for the both of them.

Within six months into the marriage, small disagreements and conflicts started creeping in.  As time went by, even the smallest of the conflicts started getting escalated. Argument would start about something but end at a completely different level fighting about completely different things.  And nothing would get resolved between the two of them.  They started fearing that any conversation might lead to a conflict and they started communicating less and less with each other, leading to more distancing, reduced intimacy and reduced expression of love and affection.

If you relate to this fictionalized couple, as a relationship therapist, let me tell you, it is possible to diffuse such escalating conflicts in 3 simple steps.

1. Manage your emotions

Be aware of your emotions, and manage your emotions. And when your emotions become unmanageable, take a “Time Out” to calm yourself down, and come back to continue the discussion when both of you are in a fairly calm state of mind. It is important to set a time, to resume the discussion, otherwise the issue remains unresolved.  When one partner asks for a “Time Out” the other partner should oblige and get them both the time needed to calm down.

2. Stick to the current issue at hand

Most of the time issues get escalated because one of you or the both of you would bring in other issues either from the present or from the past to bolster your case or to prove that you are right.  Unresolved issues from the past get brought up in the present, to gain an upper hand in the fight. You might also end up bringing in to the argument, issues related to the family and friends of the other.

3. Maintain respect

No matter what the topic of the disagreement or conflict is about, make sure whatever you say and however you say, is respectful to your partner. Make sure your voice, your tone, your body language, your gestures and the words that you choose to use remain respectful. If you are emotions are out of control and you are agitated and unable to maintain your composure, go back to step 1 and take a time out.

If you both can follow these three steps, no matter how major a conflict that you have, it will be possible for you de-escalate the same and to address it in a healthy manner with your partner, and possibly bring it to a resolution. And in some cases possibly agree to disagree as well in a healthy manner.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling.  She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.

The post Are your relationship conflicts escalating-defuse in three steps first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.