In my last video about the importance of Boundaries in Couple Relationship I had asked a few question and I had left them open. As promised here is the video addressing them. 

I had talked about a scenario where one partner feels that they are having a close friendship with someone else and the other partner feels that it’s an affair. The partner who is in this friendship, feels that there is nothing wrong when the relationship is just a friendship but other partner feels uncomfortable with that.

Some Important questions – Aren’t friendships outside marriage important? Can’t we get emotional support from our friends and family?  What if there is no attraction or any sexual undertones? Where do we draw the line?  Let me try to address these questions in this video.

Spoiler alert – There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. What is important is that both partners in the relationship have a common set of answers and understanding between them.

Let me start with a metaphor.

We all live in houses. Why do we stay in a house / apartment? To be safe physically and to protect ourselves, that’s why the house has walls. But a house also has a certain number of Windows to allow for sunlight and air to come in and also doors to allow us and other people to come in or go out. But remember the doors also have locks and windows also have latches. So that we can choose for whom we want to open the doors to, and when we want keep the windows open or closed.

Boundaries to your relationship are like that. They do not intend to cut off other people but to allow them to enter into your space when you both want them to and keep yourself safe and secure when you both do not want them to come in.

It is good to have a healthy circle of friends, siblings, family, relatives etc.  Having said that, it is important for both the partners to agree upon, what is acceptable and what is not for your relationship. Cutting off from everyone else is definitely not advisable.

Lets us look at some examples-   These are not real client names.       

Sharing your relationship issues with other friends family, etc

Lets say you are having disagreements and conflicts with your partner, which is common in a long term relationship. But when you choose to share it with your friend, colleague, family member etc, they are also forming a negative opinion about your partner. And your partner might be uncomfortable for you to share this information with others.  Tomorrow you both might patch up, but the person with whom you shared this information may continue to hold that negative image about your partner.  Do you agree?

Spending or wanting to spend more time with the other person      

Let us look at another scenario- These are not real client names.  

Rakesh and Rupa have been married for10 years. Their life had become a bit monotonous.  Rakesh made a new friend at his workplace.  He found that she was very intelligent and interesting, He starts sharing about his challenges and get emotional support. The more he spent time with her he found more common ground. He was excited to go to work so that he could meet her. She became his go to person to go talk about anything that he felt like. When he would go home, he had nothing to share with Rupa or talk about. Do you think this will create problems in their relationship or aggravate existing issues between them?

Let me list down some scenarios that can create problems in a relationship. Prevention is better than cure.

• This friendship/relationship becomes more important than the relationship with partner/spouse.
• This relationship is more interesting, to share about challenges, about significant events
• Discussing and taking decisions with this person rather than with the partner.
• Looking forward to spending more and more time with this person, online, in person, on calls etc.
• Prefer provide and get emotional support with this with the other person more than with partner.
• Hiding things from partner, Lying to partner – fully/partially/white lies etc.
• Becoming physically or emotionally close with this other person, which the partner is not aware of, or not aware of the extent to, or has a discomfort or objection to it.
• Becoming a significant emotional support provider to this other person, that the partner is uncomfortable with.
• Effort, energy and enthusiasm increases towards this person and it affects the effort, energy and enthusiasm towards partner

The other relationship might be platonic.  But if it takes you away from your marriage or relationship, it is a cause of concern and needs to be addressed before the damage becomes severe.

If you are facing any of these challenging scenarios, Couple therapy / Couple counselling / marriage counselling / relationship counselling could help the both of you set healthy boundaries for your relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post How do Boundaries Keep your Relationship safe? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

You have been in therapy for a while and if you feel stuck and you not progressing for quite some time, what can you do about it? Therapy/counselling is a process and it takes time, effort and involvement. So don’t jump to this conclusion very quickly without going through the process.

1. Talk to your therapist about how you feel about therapy.

Talk to your therapist and bring it up.  Express how you feel about therapy and your therapist, even if you think it is not positive, there is value in expressing how you feel and processing it with your therapist. That itself could be a therapeutic process and might help you move forward.

You can discuss what works and what doesn’t for you, where you feel stuck and what do want from the therapy process.  Your therapist will take your concerns seriously without becoming defensive and perhaps could change their approach / pace and would openly discuss with you and collaborate to address your concerns.

2. Reflect on what is your level of involvement in the therapy process.

Therapy is an involved process.  It is a purposeful relationship that you and your therapist are voluntarily involved in, towards a defined outcome. Are you only discussing on and on about your problems? Therapy is a space where you seek change. Your therapist cannot make you change, its an internal process which can only be facilitated for you, with your consent.

It’s a good practice to reflect on, “What am I here for?  What am I willing to do to reach my defined purpose? What feelings emerge for me, when I think of change or moving forward?” This could be starting from doing the activity/homework that you agreed upon or reflection/introspection process or journaling and so on. Your therapist may gently explore with you if there are any payoffs (hidden benefits) for remaining where you are.

There might be unconscious ties to your current situation, behaviour, relationships which could be painful but familiar to you from your own past history.  Familiarity could be perceived unconsciously as safety and a change be seen as dangerous unknown territory. 

3. Are you able to be open and honest with your therapist?

How open and honest are you with your therapist? Do you feel safe and comfortable to talk to your therapist about anything about yourself or your experiences? Have you hidden or avoided discussing any important incidents or experiences which come up for you? Clients can experience guilt, shame in disclosing about certain aspects of their lives or about their childhood or their parents/loved ones.

These could have relevance to the current issue that you are facing. Is there something that is making you feel hesitant to share important details with your therapist?

Therapy is a collaborative process, and without your cooperation and full involvement, the therapist cannot facilitate the change that you are looking for.

4. If you have a clinical condition, you could consider medication.

If you are depressed or anxious and once a week therapy is not showing progress, you perhaps may need a different form of therapy or a clinical intervention or see a medical practitioner.  Your therapist could possibly recommend you to see a qualified psychiatrist or provide a referral too.  If needed you can also request for / your therapist also could recommend a change in the frequency of your therapy sessions.

If you meet with a psychiatrist and are prescribed medications, it is your responsibility to stay on medication be in regular contact with your psychiatrist as advised. Medication in conjunction with therapy could help you progress forward.

5. You can also look for another therapist. 

If still things don’t work you can talk to your therapist and close the process and find yourself a new therapist. Sometimes there could be specific personality aspects between the client and therapist that may not allow for a good therapeutic alliance to develop. Your therapist may be able to provide you an appropriate referral suitable for you. Do not drop off from therapy abruptly without discussing about it with your therapist.  I contract with my clients to have a discussion with me if they choose to terminate therapy before the agreed upon goals are met or for any other reasons whatsoever.

Before arriving at that decision of looking for a new therapist, do reflect on how many therapists have you changed till now.  If the answer is many, then that is an important aspect to reflect and work through. Another therapist in a long list of therapists will not help unless this is addressed.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in.

The post 5 things to do if you think therapy is not working for you first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Today we do live in a world where work life balance has become a cliche. The mad rush and the rat race when it comes to career, financial growth and status has become the norm.

Today our social connections are measured more by the likes and shares and the list of friends on the social networking apps.

It is often found to be a struggle to find the right balance between having flourishing career as well as fulfilling and satisfying close personal relationships, be it family or friends. Research suggests that having a good close personal / social network in the real world has a significant positive influence on one’s health, longevity and happiness.

The ubiquitous use of gadgets and digital connects, though it does brings people back in touch, to establish a meaningful connection, real world interactions are essential. Sadly many a times, these act as a barrier in real world connections. When I mean real world interactions I mean not just posts and likes; forwards and smileys and stickers.

Whether it is family or friends, nurturing and nourishing the relationships are absolutely essential to make them meaningful. Now, this is not a one time one off activity. It needs to be a continuous ongoing effort. Though sometimes the initial excitement and the spark might have gotten dimmed, it is up to you to bring back the spark and shine in these valued relationships.

The most important caution here is to not take these relationships for granted. Sometimes boredom can set in. It is important to show genuine care towards your family and friends, take genuine interest in their life, and be involved.

Emotional connection is the antidote to emotional isolation. Emotional isolation can result from social isolation, superficial relationships, lack of time to truly connect with family and friends, constant digital distractions, focusing on the rat race etc.

Rather than focusing on getting likes on your perfect selfie or holiday pics, rather than gossip and just hangout, if you can focus on strengthening our relationships with family and friends, through real meaningful conversations, true sharing and caring, emotional connections can be strengthened.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling.  She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better

The post Emotional Connections – for health, longevity and happiness first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

The number of single parent families in India is growing significantly. This is happening mostly owing to more divorces and by way of one spouse passing away due to accident, health issues, maternal mortality etc.  The single parent families face a multitude of challenges including financial, social isolation, health issues and personal problems. Since the legal, social and the governance hasn’t kept pace with the changing needs of the Indian diasporas, some single parents have faced many challenges due to unfavourable conditions which have sprung up hence.

The need of the hour is to understand these challenges, seek and provide a way forward in order to empower these families find their foothold, make progress and actualize their potential.

1. Multi-Tasking: You will find yourself doubling up as a mother, father and sometimes even grandparents, extended family and friends. Housekeeping, professional pursuit and running errands will all fall in your lap. It can leave you feeling exhausted, guilty and irritable all at once. Time becomes a precious commodity and you would wish that GOD gave you 10 hands and 100 hours in a day. It takes a toll on your physical, mental and emotional equilibrium. Children may feel neglected as a full time working parent is unable to babysit after school or address all developmental and emotional needs of their child.

What can be done?  Help is available as many a single parent, often swear by the support of their family members, friends and colleagues.  Ensure that you have a good rapport with them, and some of them will be willing to extend the help required, from babysitting, getting homework done or running errands. Many single parents find that moving into a housing society, apartment complex provides safety, play hours with peers and some kind neighbors who are generous enough to baby sit your child. Some parents try to live near their workplace to be able to manage both fronts efficiently. The general suggestion is not to feel bad about asking for help. Teaching the child to do their own things and helping around the house with age appropriate tasks is a valuable way to find help. The Dunzo app and similar apps claim to set your time free by running your errands and other banal chores like grocery shopping, plumbing or shoe repair. Of course, some services come at a price.

2. Decreased quality time not only with your child, but your own “me time” seems to dwindle away into nothingness. Due to the paucity of time, you could find lesser time to play with your child, to answer their curious questions or even hold the important talks with them about bullying, safe touch, menstruation, ejaculation etc. Daydreaming, relaxing, watching sports leisurely, going to a pub or the water park could be a far cry from the reality. The stress could leave you feeling tired and in dire need of extra sleep. Often, health suffers as physical fitness, nutritional needs and timely medical interventions – especially for yourself, get less priority.

What can you do? A person, who looks at the bigger picture, is adaptable and goes with the flow, would find it easier to deal with any challenge. These days, many organisations are providing creche and day care facilities for the welfare of their employees. Single parents find such arrangements very beneficial as they save money and precious time in commuting.  Creches and play schools could provide you CCTV access to monitor your child, reports about the activities done by the child etc as and when needed, giving you peace of mind.  Working from home and freelancing are other work opportunities that single parents welcome. http://sheroes.com is one such platform for women, which offers guidance and opportunities, resources on health, careers and relationships. Pradhan Mantri Kaushal Vikas Yojana trains the Indian youth for various industrial jobs ( www.skilldevelopment.gov.in) With passage of time, some parents find that they are able to indulge in some hobbies and interests.

3. Cash crunch: Single parents, especially mothers find a sudden drop in their lifestyle. Money seems to play hide and seek. Surviving on a single income and bearing all the expenses and saving some for a rainy day will put full stops to most mediocre and bigger expenses and make them seem as extravagant and unnecessary. A decent house and a maid/nanny, field trips, catching a movie with friends, expensive clothes are a thing of the past. Often, you will find yourself counting pennies by the mid -month and some of the jobs still pending. Such families find it challenging to build moveable and immoveable property or save enough for the future. Sometimes, the children find it challenging to cope with sudden lifestyle changes and could resent the parents for it.

What can be done?  In India, usually the mother is granted the custodial rights of the young child, the father gets visitation rights and are expected to contribute towards the expenses of the estranged family. This could be worked in the family’s favour if both are smart enough to agree for adequate maintenance and child support. These discussions can be held by lawyers and mediation experts so that all parties have a fair say. If both parents get turn by turn custodial rights, then it can become financially viable for each parent. Many single parents have found family and friends willing to pitch in towards the expenses of the child’s education, clothing etc. The sooner you and your child accept the current reality, the possibility of finding workable solutions becomes higher and you will look for solutions proactively. Sometimes, strangers do offer monetary and other support in running errands etc but there is always a threat of an ulterior motives and the resulting sense of obligation could be deterring enough. If you wish to explore this option, choose it with caution and discretion. Seasoned single parents suggest exercising restraint on expenses till such time you don’t reach a stable income. www.microfinanceinfo.com, have some valuable information regarding loans and credit. Please have all your documents ready and be prepared to do some running around if this is your route.

4. Social Isolation: Owing to multiple reasons like misunderstanding with family, guilt, sense of burden, time constraint, inadequate finances to socialize, social ostracization etc, a single parent family often finds itself cut away from family, friends, colleagues and support systems. Divorced women might be treated as a burden by their families sometimes and often blamed for their predicament. Many divorced women deliberately cut themselves off from all support system but that doesn’t work on the long run. Some men shy away from public appearances as they find themselves targeted for remarriage. Sometimes, children of such families want their single parent to marry again.

A way around: Try not to burn bridges with your family and friends, as they could be your best allies. You might have to tolerate certain things with a smile and assertively say no wherever your boundaries are challenged. Some single parents swear that moving into an apartment complex was the best thing to have happened. Moving to a new city, not disclosing your divorcee status, living in an inclusive society has been a boon for some. Divorcees can find solace in connecting with specific meetups and forums dedicated to them. Being safe, staying connected and asking for help when needed are two sides of the same coin. Exercise caution if you seek friendship on online platforms and apps. And maintain a healthy balance of online and offline support. Don’t let your guilt control your life. You still deserve to get your emotional needs met and be happy. If you wish to date the opposite gender, do it at your own pace and time. Many online matrimony platforms offer a space for divorcees to look for another spouse again. Children can face bullying in schools and other places, which can undermine their self esteem. Talking to teachers, administrators and seeking their support is a way out of this issue. In Bangalore, Mahila Dakshata Samiti and Sumangali Sevashrama offers short stay homes and Skill development opportunities for single mothers. Some counselling organisations offer free and/or chargeable counselling support to such families. The single parent family can learn how to communicate with each-other transparently, be heard and understood, without causing friction and conflict.

5. Other Social Challenges: Some single mothers feel that they were treated as an object of lust at workplace. Many male colleagues see her as a weak person incapable of protecting herself. Getting promoted at work depended on whether she was willing to “adjust” with them or not. Many mothers have tackled this with grit and determination by putting up a “tough and unavailable” demeanor. It can also help to have good platonic friends at work and outside. The single fathers are viewed as incapable of rearing children single-handedly, hence they start receiving unwanted marriage proposals. As a single parent, you will often be doled out unsolicited pity and advice.

What can you do: Be ready to ask for help when needed and learn how to say no when unsolicited attention comes your way. For women, learning how to manage finances, picking up professional skills and qualifications to get work and personal defense classes can help her deal with financial stability and unwanted male attention. Men need to know how to run the house, cook and be emotionally available to their child.

It seems that there are challenges, and then there are some solutions also. However, sometimes, one has to just learn how to cope graciously with something where there’s no way out. The government is waking up to the challenges faced by single parent families. Hence, they have also done away with need to mention fathers name in all legal documents including the passport. The single parent community is growing and if we could enable them to empower themselves, then the stigma around divorce and single parenting would disappear soon enough. We need not wait for a social revolution to bring the change. We can ourselves start in a small way and create a ripple. Single mothers can take up the challenge to prove that they are no less and can earn a decent living. And the single men can prove that they can be responsible parents and breadwinners without the help of a wife.

And yes, if you find the right partner again, ensure that you enter into a new relationship after handing the baggage of your earlier relationship appropriately.

About the Author :

Samiksha Jain  is a trained and certified Professional Counsellor.  She offers her clients a non-clinical approach to therapeutic counselling in a friendly, warm and confidential environment to talk through their experiences and difficulties. This allows for a trusting relationship to develop and enables the clients to achieve their goals effectively. She has worked with couples to manage relationships with a wide range of challenges like sexual and sexuality issues, stress and anger issues, depression, marital discord, parenting, financial discord, fears and phobias, anxiety, grief etc.

The post Single parent challenges and way forward first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.