Many of my couple clients ask me whether an affair or infidelity mean the end of the marriage or relationship.

Understanding what is an affair

First we need to understand what is considered an affair and what is not.  A lot depends upon what is the definition of boundaries for the relationship as agreed upon by the partners in the relationship.

The relationship or marriage itself could be a monogamous, or a poly relationship, or an open relationship.  I will make another video to explain the different types of relationships soon.

Irrespective of what kind of relationship it is, it is bound by a set of boundaries or rules or understanding between the partners as to what is acceptable and what is not acceptable for their relationship.  You will see me use the term marriage or relationship interchangeably.

Some examples.

• Staying in touch with an ex maybe acceptable for one couple but may not be for another.
• Or texting a colleague might be okay at 8 p.m. But may not be okay at 12 in the night. The time of messaging, content of messages, and the volume of messages exchanged may all be factors in what is ok and what is not ok for the couple
• The extent of physical closeness with a friend that is acceptable will vary from couple to couple.
• The level of emotional sharing and emotionally intense relationships with others that is acceptable will vary for each couple.

Couples usually don’t sit down and talk about what is okay and what is not okay and they may not make a list of these things. It is a continuous process of understanding each other, understanding what is comfortable or uncomfortable, what is a definite no-no for your partner and yourself and handling your boundaries accordingly.

Having said that what to do when there is a boundary violation like an affair. It might help to have an understanding of the different types of affairs.

Affairs can be of many types.

Sexual affair

This is a purely physical/ sexual encounter or encounters that one has with the same person or different persons. There is a lack of emotional involvement or attachment initially. When there is more sexual environment with the same person emotional involvement could increase.

Romantic affair

There is a sense of emotional closeness, sharing and attachment with the other and a sense of sexual attraction or sexual intimacy with other person. This kind of affair can also be seen as falling in love with someone else.

Emotional affair

There may not be any sexual attraction here but a lot of emotional intimacy, sharing and support. What initially could start as emotional closeness with another person can overtime develop into sexual feelings and could become a romantic relationship as well.

Online / Cyber affair

Today everything is available at the touch of a button. And online or cyber affairs can start from chats, video calls, emails etc. This can be with a known person or an unknown person. The people involved might never meet or could meet. An online affair could involve any activities of flirting, emotional sharing/intimacy, online sex etc. If the people meet up, this could become a sexual or romantic affair.  

Some Common aspects in any kind of affair

• There is a sense of secrecy / hiding / lying about what is going on with the partner.
• It takes away energy from the relationship / marriage.
• The partner who is being cheated upon is / would be uncomfortable/ does not like what is going on.
• The partner engaging in the affair gets more and more involved with other person(s).

Couples with a problem of infidelity in the relationship, come into therapy when the partner who got cheated upon somehow gets to know about the affair. And it is common that the partner who was involved in the affair believed that, their partner would not get to know about it.  And perhaps believed that what they don’t know cannot hurt them.

Let me clear this myth about affairs right here. Irrespective of whether your partner knows about the affair or not, it is already hurting your relationship, there by hurting your partner. When you are disengaged, when your focus is elsewhere outside the relationship, you are unavailable for your partner in ways that are healthy for the relationship.

So let us say that the affair is not secret anymore, and the other partner knows about it. What now?

Some of the common reactions when an affair comes to light

The partner who had an affair denies it  or covers it up, with more lies and partial truths. The challenge here is that the lies and partial stores will get uncovered soon or later. The breach of trust from the affair would become now manifold with the slew of lies that are used to cover it up.

Partners blame each other and other problems in the marriage as reasons for the affair. I usually tell my couple clients that that could be many problems in the marriage that might have let to the affair, but doesn’t justify it.

Or the couple may choose to not talk about it, ignore it completely, push it under the carpet, continue with their lives, pretending that it never happened. The challenge is, it will surface in the relationship in unconscious ways through indirect accusations, distrust and insecurity.

Another possibility is that one partner walks out of the relationship, and they may choose to end the relationship.

Having said that – Let us say the couple wants to address their issues and the affair related impact on their relationship, they could seek couple therapy. 

Let me tell you that it is possible for the couple to work through this challenge and even strengthen the relationship, provided the following aspects are in place, and they are willing to put in the effort.

1. Both partners value the marriage/relationship – and want to make it work.  It is possible that one partner wants the marriage and other partner may still be undecided about whether they want to work on it or not. Over time as they have conversations with each other if both choose to stay in the marriage and work on it, then it is possible to work through the damages caused by the affair.
2. Both partners agree for transparency and honesty in the relationship and the willingness to rebuild trust in the relationship overtime. The therapist would facilitate open and honest conversations are towards this.
3. The partner who has had the affair takes responsibility for it and acknowledge the hurt caused to the other partner by their actions.
4. Both partners openly discuss and agree upon clear and acceptable boundaries for their relationship and for their personal spaces /activities.
5. The couple also would be encouraged to look at underlying relationship challenges and make necessary changes to cater to each other’s reasonable needs and actively engage with each other in a respectful manner.

Summary

An affair need not mean the end of the marriage or relationship. Having said that, breaking of trust takes a single moment.  Rebuilding takes time.  It would take time and commitment from both partners to heal the relationship wounds, to rebuild trust between each other and address other underlying challenges in the relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

The post Does infidelity mean the end of the marriage or relationship? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

In my last video about the importance of Boundaries in Couple Relationship I had asked a few question and I had left them open. As promised here is the video addressing them. 

I had talked about a scenario where one partner feels that they are having a close friendship with someone else and the other partner feels that it’s an affair. The partner who is in this friendship, feels that there is nothing wrong when the relationship is just a friendship but other partner feels uncomfortable with that.

Some Important questions – Aren’t friendships outside marriage important? Can’t we get emotional support from our friends and family?  What if there is no attraction or any sexual undertones? Where do we draw the line?  Let me try to address these questions in this video.

Spoiler alert – There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. What is important is that both partners in the relationship have a common set of answers and understanding between them.

Let me start with a metaphor.

We all live in houses. Why do we stay in a house / apartment? To be safe physically and to protect ourselves, that’s why the house has walls. But a house also has a certain number of Windows to allow for sunlight and air to come in and also doors to allow us and other people to come in or go out. But remember the doors also have locks and windows also have latches. So that we can choose for whom we want to open the doors to, and when we want keep the windows open or closed.

Boundaries to your relationship are like that. They do not intend to cut off other people but to allow them to enter into your space when you both want them to and keep yourself safe and secure when you both do not want them to come in.

It is good to have a healthy circle of friends, siblings, family, relatives etc.  Having said that, it is important for both the partners to agree upon, what is acceptable and what is not for your relationship. Cutting off from everyone else is definitely not advisable.

Lets us look at some examples-   These are not real client names.       

Sharing your relationship issues with other friends family, etc

Lets say you are having disagreements and conflicts with your partner, which is common in a long term relationship. But when you choose to share it with your friend, colleague, family member etc, they are also forming a negative opinion about your partner. And your partner might be uncomfortable for you to share this information with others.  Tomorrow you both might patch up, but the person with whom you shared this information may continue to hold that negative image about your partner.  Do you agree?

Spending or wanting to spend more time with the other person      

Let us look at another scenario- These are not real client names.  

Rakesh and Rupa have been married for10 years. Their life had become a bit monotonous.  Rakesh made a new friend at his workplace.  He found that she was very intelligent and interesting, He starts sharing about his challenges and get emotional support. The more he spent time with her he found more common ground. He was excited to go to work so that he could meet her. She became his go to person to go talk about anything that he felt like. When he would go home, he had nothing to share with Rupa or talk about. Do you think this will create problems in their relationship or aggravate existing issues between them?

Let me list down some scenarios that can create problems in a relationship. Prevention is better than cure.

• This friendship/relationship becomes more important than the relationship with partner/spouse.
• This relationship is more interesting, to share about challenges, about significant events
• Discussing and taking decisions with this person rather than with the partner.
• Looking forward to spending more and more time with this person, online, in person, on calls etc.
• Prefer provide and get emotional support with this with the other person more than with partner.
• Hiding things from partner, Lying to partner – fully/partially/white lies etc.
• Becoming physically or emotionally close with this other person, which the partner is not aware of, or not aware of the extent to, or has a discomfort or objection to it.
• Becoming a significant emotional support provider to this other person, that the partner is uncomfortable with.
• Effort, energy and enthusiasm increases towards this person and it affects the effort, energy and enthusiasm towards partner

The other relationship might be platonic.  But if it takes you away from your marriage or relationship, it is a cause of concern and needs to be addressed before the damage becomes severe.

If you are facing any of these challenging scenarios, Couple therapy / Couple counselling / marriage counselling / relationship counselling could help the both of you set healthy boundaries for your relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post How do Boundaries Keep your Relationship safe? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Yes,  boundaries are very important in a Couple relationship.

When I say a couple relationship – I mean any kind of a committed relationship, which could be a marriage, or a live-in relationship or a boyfriend-girlfriend.  A very common joke regarding marriage is that a marriage is like a public toilet, those waiting outside can’t wait to get in and those who are inside can’t wait to come out. And it is true that many people are afraid that, getting into a committed relationship would curtail their freedom and not allow them to be themselves.  Yes, if you get into a relationship with an extremely controlling partner this could be the case which could border on abuse.

I am talking here about normal relationships that are not abusive. Then also there will be some changes in both the partners’ activities and behaviours that would be required to build up a healthy relationship.  Certain things that were OK to do before getting into a relationship might need to change based upon your partner’s preferences.  What is OK to do and NOT OK to do, would change depending upon your partner’s comfort levels and acceptance. This doesn’t mean you lose your freedom. This means that while taking care of your needs you also need to take into account your partner’s needs, comfort level, acceptance etc.  If you are doing certain things which are completely unacceptable to your partner you need to really take your partner’s opinion into consideration.

Boundaries also would apply to what you share with or how much you interact with someone else or how involved is someone else in your personal life and decisions as well. It would also apply to how much you are involved in someone else’s life. If these make you or your partner uncomfortable, it is time to revisit and realign these boundaries.

For example (Fictional), Nita and Sam were married since 2 years. Both were working and also lived independently in a separate apartment, and Sam’s parents lived about 3 Kms away.  Both parents were healthy, self sufficient and financially well.  Sam’s mother would insist that Sam and Nita visit them every other day.  When Nita didn’t want to keep going there so frequently, after 3 months into their marriage, Sam would visit on his own. Nita didn’t like it either.  All their decisions regarding what they want to purchase for their house, what they should do with their bonus, where they should go for their trips,  everything had to be discussed with Sam’s mother and she would have a say on it.  Some times when they didn’t agree, his mother would get upset as well. And this would cause conflicts between the couple.

In this example – Sam and Nita are not able to set up clear boundaries for their relationship, and Sam’s mother is so involved in their life that it creates significant discomfort to Nita. Though Sam’s mother would decide everything for Sam all these years, now continuing to do that creates trouble for the couple relationship.

Let’s take another (Fictional) example Rajat and Rupa were having lots of fights regarding Rajat wanting to go out to party/drink every Friday night at their usual Pub with his friends till late in the night.  Since Rupa doesn’t drink and doesn’t like noisy places she would not prefer to go.  Rajat’s argument was that, this has been his habit all through his adult life since about 6 years now.  Every one of his friends would meet up on Friday night and drink past midnight. And he would say that she is welcome to join.  He would say, why should I change what has been a part of my life all these years, just because I am married?  He strongly felt his freedom is being threatened. On top of that, his ex-girlfriend was also part of this friends group, which troubled Rupa even more.

In this example – Rajat and Rupa are not able agree on common boundaries about what activities in what frequency is acceptable to the both, the activity here is his Friday night drinking with his friends. His interaction with his ex-girlfriend also makes Rupa feel uncomfortable.

These are – what we call as boundaries of a relationship. Boundaries are needed to keep your relationship safe and not intended to curtail you or distance you away from others. Now that you are in a relationship, you need to not just think of yourself but also about your partner and your relationship as well. When people get into a relationship or a marriage without this understanding, they might feel suffocated and might feel that their freedom has been restricted.  To be ready, prepared and to have a good relationship/marriage also means to be willing to take into account your partner’s preferences, choices, comfort and acceptance as well.

Setting up clear boundaries for your relationship and adhering to them are one way of gaining and maintaining your partner’s trust. You respect each other when you respect each other’s boundaries and the boundaries of the relationship. It builds greater intimacy between the couple and encourages more open communication and bonding.

Boundaries could be applicable for any kind of behavior, activity,  interaction that happens with anyone else outside the relationship be it, parents, siblings, friends, colleagues, including ex-partners, ex-flames and other past relationships.  The specifics of these boundaries would vary based on what you both are OK with in each of these relationships, activities, behavior.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a professional counsellor she provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.

The post Why are boundaries very important in a Couple relationship? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.