1. Respect
2. Responsibility
3. Restraint

DOs

If it is a issue to be discussed, fix a time that is convenient to the both of you and start the discussion on a calm and composed tone of voice. If there are children or parents in the house, find a private place to have the discussion. Ensure that the both of you are in a calm composed state of mind before you start the discussion.

Instead of blaming the other person, focus on your feelings and express them. “I felt disappointed when”

Keep the focus: Discuss regarding the problem in focus. Do not bring up new issues or bring in old issues from the past either. Watch out for statements like – “you always do ….”; “You have never done ….”

Each of you can have different viewpoints and can be right in your own view points. Try to see things from the other person’s perspective and understand their feelings. Try to find even a bit of truth in the other persons statements. Acknowledge their feelings. You may disagree with your spouse, but still you can empathize with how he/she fees.

Always be aware that you are looking for a solution to the issue at hand. Target a resolution that would make you both happy about it. This is a win-win resolution.

DONTs

Do not make it an attack on the person or devalue the person. No name calling or hurtful comments.

Do not allow the issue at hand to escalate. If either of you is not able to manage your emotions like heightened anger, frustration etc, take a Time out. You agree to stop the discussion for now, if needed physically move away and most importantly agree on when to resume the discussion. In the meanwhile calm yourself down, do some relaxing activities like taking a walk or doing some deep breathing etc. Come back calmed down and continue the discussion.

Once the issue has been resolved, sincerely apologize for hurtful things said if any that you didn’t really mean it. Even things said in anger can linger in the other persons mind for a long time. Ensure the next time you put additional effort to keep your emotions in check and not say hurtful things even in anger.

Remember, prolonged silence and avoidance can be as painful as strong hurtful words.

If you would like to meet with a professional counsellor to work on your relationship challenges, call us at +91 96321 46316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

We provide professional and confidential counselling services at different locations in Bangalore – Jayanagar, Koramangala, Cox Town, Marathahalli, Mahadevpura.

The post Relationship Problems – Handling Conflicts first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Conflicts arise in a relationship when the each person involved, looks at a situation in a different way, which they believe to be the only right view point. Conflicts in a relationship cannot be avoided and need not be bad per se. It is the way that the conflict is handled that determines how the relationship gets affected in a positive or negative way.

Why do conflicts escalate beyond control?

Conflicts spiral out of control because the parties involved ignore one of the fundamental components of a healthy relationship – Respect. Conflicts escalate because the people involved are not able to manage the conflict in an effective manner.

When the component – Respect is ignored, they start saying things to each other that are hurtful. Arguments go from focusing on the problem to focusing on the other person. Instead of faulting the action the person is accused. Instead of taking responsibility for addressing the issue, blaming happens. In place of being assertive people become aggressive.

When escalation of a conflict occurs

– Confrontation replaces collaboration.
– Hurting others replaces understanding interests.
– Focus on the original problem is lost.
– Power becomes more important than respect
– Blame replaces taking responsibility

When one is aggressive and the other submissive, though the aggressive person may end the conflict by being forceful, the issue remains unresolved and simmering in the other persons mind. This will come up at a different point in time.

It is possible to manage conflicts to bring it to a resolutions (atleast most of them). It is possible to learn to handle conflicts in such a way that it improves and strengthens the relationship rather than damaging the same.

If you would like to meet with a professional counsellor to deal with your relationship issues, call us at +91 96321 46316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

We provide professional and confidential counselling services at different locations in Bangalore – Jayanagar, Koramangala, Cox Town, Marathahalli, Mahadevpura.

The post Relationship Problems Conflicts first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Emotional intimacy creates the feeling of fulfillment, closeness and a sense of belonging in the relationship. It brings the two people closer at a different plane other than the physical one. It makes both partners feel connected. Makes them feel comfortable with each other at an emotional level.

Trust and communication are essential for emotional intimacy between the two partners. It is a mutual sharing, understanding and disclosure with each other at a deep level. When trust is established it is easy to give oneself permission to be vulnerable with the spouse. Better the quality of emotional intimacy and bonding, more enduring is the relationship and less likely that distance would creep in making it boring and dull, giving opportunities for cracks to appear in the relationship.

You can develop emotional intimacy at any stage of your relationship. Start with allocating quality time with each other every day/week depending on your convenience. Quality time necessitates that there are no distractions for the duration – children or TV or mobile phones. Go for a walk, plan for a coffee in your balcony, plan it as per your preferences. Just ensure your complete attention is with your spouse and that you are not interrupted. Be with your spouse physically, mentally and emotionally. Listen to your spouse, make them feel important and listened to.

Listen not just to the words spoken but also the feelings and emotions there in. Do not jump to criticism and judgment. By criticizing you discourage your spouse from sharing. Trust your spouse and share your emotions too.

As Dr. Vijay Nagaswamy puts it succinctly in his book The 24*7 marriage, to create and enhance emotional intimacy
• Share and express your emotions
• Indicate your emotional needs and requirements clearly
• Understand the other’s emotional needs, respond accordingly and be available
• Intimacy is about talking and listening to each other
• Providing quality time for each other

Emotional intimacy is essential to make a relationship fulfilling and complete. It is every day work on the relationship, like tending your garden. Without regular nurturing and care, the plants in garden may wither and weeds may take over.

If you would like to meet with a professional counsellor, call us at +91 96321 46316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

We provide professional and confidential counselling services at different locations in Bangalore – Jayanagar, Koramangala, Cox Town, Marathahalli, Mahadevpura.

The post Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Non sexual touch can include holding hands, hugging, kissing, cuddling, holding each other etc. This is a way of showing your affection to your partner and it also improves the comfort for the both of you with each other. Even an understanding look or a smile can be intimate. Non sexual touch and closeness can also lead on to foreplay and sex too but not necessarily.

Talk to each other about sex. Being reluctant to talk about sex to your spouse will rob you of opportunities to have a fulfilling sex life. Many times couples don’t talk to each other regarding sex because either they are shy or they don’t have the appropriate vocabulary for genital organs or for intercourse, foreplay etc. Read up appropriate material to gain confidence.

Look at sex as making love. Let your spouse know regarding your interest areas and what you get excited, your expectations etc, and get to know his/her preferences. Also understand that though you have shared your expectations, your partner is not obliged to fulfill them, if not comfortable with it. It is important that both of you are aware of each other’s preferences, interests and comfort. Discuss regarding your respective sexual attitudes, anxieties and concerns with each other. Satisfaction for the both of you is important. If you are not sure if your spouse is satisfied, it is ok to ask about it and talk to each other.

During foreplay, explore each other using all your senses – sense of smell, touch, sound, visual and taste. Multi sensory excitement can provide greater satisfaction in your sex life. Relax in each other’s presence. Foreplay increases the arousal of the woman especially. It is important that both partners are well aroused. Focus on the bodily sensations and learn to enjoy them.

The time after love-making  provides an excellent opportunity for bonding. It’s the time when both of you are relaxed and satisfied. Don’t go to sleep immediately. Hold hands, chat, ask about how each other feels, cuddle, snuggle, do what you are comfortable with. Intimacy is not to be demanded by rule but is to be nurtured, cared for in a relationship.

If you would like to meet with a professional counsellor, call us at +91 96321 46316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

We provide professional and confidential counselling services at different locations in Bangalore – Jayanagar, Koramangala, Cox Town, Marathahalli, Mahadevpura.

The post Physical Intimacy in a relationship first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

If the answers to these questions are ‘Yes’, read on.

First Step – Awareness. Be aware of your thoughts and their strength. Be aware that you look at your world through the lens of your beliefs. Your beliefs define your perception of your world.

Second Step – Question your beliefs. There are many different techniques to question your beliefs. Reality testing is a technique to keep asking for “Real” proof to substantiate your beliefs. For e.g., – I am no good. Question yourself – is it true that I cannot find even one thing about me that I am good or good at?

Third Step – Once you are convinced that the belief is untrue, construct a belief to replace the untrue one. The new belief needs to be realistic and true.

All these steps are easier said than done. If you have significant emotions associated with your earlier belief that has stemmed from your childhood or other experiences, you would need to resolve some of those emotions before you attempt to work on your beliefs.

Counselling can help you identify your unhelpful beliefs, help you question them and incorporate helpful beliefs in their place in a warm and safe environment.

The post Can I change my Beliefs ? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

A thought by itself may not have significant power over you. But a thought that has significant emotions associated to it, that you regard as true, a thought that has been ingrained into you as a belief has a lot of power.

Beliefs about yourself, have a lot of say about who you are, what you become and how you feel about yourself. Beliefs about others define your behavior, attitude towards others. Beliefs regarding life situations define how you get impacted in everyday life. Your beliefs define your perspective, the way you perceive yourself and your world around you.

Your beliefs could have been formed based on your own experiences in childhood or later, from the cultural aspects of your upbringing or surroundings, from observing your parents during your childhood etc.

Some of your beliefs may be confining you. Some of them may be unhelpful to you even hurting you. Though you may realize that some of your beliefs are not helping you but hurting you, yet it is fairly difficult to challenge your own beliefs.

Why is it so difficult to challenge your own beliefs or to change your beliefs? It is because you consider your beliefs to be yourself. When you try to argue against your beliefs, you reckon you are arguing against yourself. To even consider the possibility that you may have to admit that you are wrong is so painful. Some times your beliefs give you comfort and helps you avoid the pain of admitting the reality.

For eg, “I will not succeed”. This belief may help you avoid the guilt that you will need to face if you have not put enough effort into your work. But the resulting failure will act to reinforce your belief that “I will not succeed”. The belief is unhelpful to you that it influences a string of failures in your life.

The post The power of your beliefs first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

I cannot do this. I am not lucky. I am not good enough. I will fail.I am not lovable. No one loves me. Even if I find love I will lose it.
I will not be happy. Even if I am happy something bad will happen.
Every one out there is trying to get me.

Negative thoughts could be ruminations regarding the past or ruminations regarding the future. They rob you of the energy to invest in “today”. There also could have been some life incidents that has made you think in some of these patterns. Well, if you are asking – I am just thinking, not doing anything – right? How can my thoughts have an impact?

Yes they do. Our thoughts are very powerful, because our thoughts are directly linked to our emotions which are linked to our behavior. And they reinforce each other in such a way that, we are caught in its cycle without being aware of it.

For eg. lets take the negative thought – “I will not succeed”

This leads to the emotions, sadness, disappointment, dejection etc. These emotions lead to a loss of energy and enthusiasm to put good effort into any task. Hence the behavior is a disinterested partial effort on the task at hand, resulting in a failure. This reinforces the initial thought – which is – “I will not succeed” and the person starts believing the same. This becomes a repetitive cycle in the person’s life. The good news is that these cycles can be broken. The first step is to be aware of what is happening. You can learn to modify the negative thoughts and break the negative cycle.

It is possible. You can take charge of your thoughts, your emotions and your life.

If you would like to meet with a professional counsellor, call us at +91 96321 46316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

We provide professional and confidential counselling services at different locations in Bangalore – Jayanagar, Koramangala, Cox Town, Marathahalli, Mahadevpura.

The post How Negative thoughts impact us. first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Prioritize your activities both work and at home – Based on Steven Covey’s Time Management Matrix categorize your activities and prioritize accordingly.

Urgent and important – Priority 1
Not urgent and important – Priority 2
Urgent and Unimportant – Priority 3
Not urgent and unimportant – Priority none

Covey calls Priority 1 items as “fires” that need to be put out immediately. Too much time here can lead to stress issues and burn out.

Plan at least one activity a week that you do just for your own enjoyment and satisfaction (this should be part of Priority 2 activities). Adequate focus on Priority 2 will lead to reduction in Priority 1 Items.

Priority 3 activities are not important to you. They are important to someone else. Learn to say ‘NO’ where ever appropriate in an assertive way.

Drop the “Priority none” activities. They drain your energy and add no value to you.

Plan for quality time with the family. When you spend nurturing time with your spouse and children, the environment will provide nurturing for you. Home is the place where you should be able to replenish your batteries. That will happen only if you assign enough importance and primacy to your home environment. The love and nurturing makes the house a home. Else it would remain just walls and a roof with furniture within. Stop comparing yourself and your family to others and add pressure on to yourself. Know that Peer pressure is that which you put on yourself.

If you would like to meet with a professional counsellor, call us at +91 96321 46316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

We provide professional and confidential counselling services at different locations in Bangalore – Jayanagar, Koramangala, Cox Town, Marathahalli, Mahadevpura.

The post Work-Life Balance first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Have you noticed how you kind of feel breathless at the end of a roaring laughter? Laughing makes you take gulps of air increasing the oxygen intake which is essential to generate more energy in your cells. The more you laugh the more you get oxygen into your cells.

When you laugh you generate many good chemicals in your body, like Serotonin. An imbalance in Serotonin levels is believed to influence the mood in a significant way. Any problems in the generation of usage of Serotonin in our body can lead to problems like depression, anxiety, panic, excessive anger etc. So you can just laugh your heart out to induce your brain to generate more serotonin. Easy and simple way to protect yourself.

A sense of humor helps you to see the issue at hand with a different perspective. When you can see the funny side of any situation, you are reducing the impact of the stressful situation on yourself. You may even come up with different ways of handling or dealing with the situation.

Yes it is true when the age old saying goes – “Laughter is the Best Medicine”

So if you are asking – so how do I help myself laugh?

Go on, get that movie that made you laugh how many ever times you see it.
Join a comedy club or laughter club.
Search for funny videos in You tube or watch that laughter show that you always enjoyed.

Go on – get yourself a dose of that rib tickling laughter and say bye bye to stress.

The post Laughter for stress relief first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

When we were cave men and women, when we were faced with threatening situations in our environment, for e.g., faced with a Tiger, our body responded to the threat. The heart beats faster, pumping more blood to the peripheral organs like hands and legs. The lungs dilate and increased breathing provides more oxygen to the muscles to help generate more energy. The liver releases glucose for energy. We sweat, there is an increase in blood pressure. Adrenalin is pumped into our blood that helps us either to run away or to stay and fight with the threat (flight or fight response).

Our body doesn’t differentiate between life threatening situations and a psychological threat like a deadline, traffic jam or an overwhelming emotion. When we feel threatened or overwhelmed by the situation our body reacts exactly in the same way that it reacted thousands of years ago as though we are faced with a tiger. This is what we call Stress response. The situation is called the stressor.

Stress can be good too. This is called Eustress – e.g., The exam times makes us study harder or deadlines makes us perform better, in the face of an imminent collision – we become alert and slam the brakes to avoid it. Beyond a threshold, the stress becomes Distress. When that happens we are unable to study, performance goes down, energy levels come down, and we are unable to focus.

When distress occurs over a prolonged period of time (chronic), our body is subjected to the stress response (like increased BP etc.) for a prolonged period of time. Wear and tear occurs, leading to both Physiological and Psychological illnesses. Physically – hypertension, ulcers, heart diseases etc., can occur. Psychologically – depression, anxiety disorders, mood swings, irritability etc., can occur. Some suppressed emotions can also manifest physically as Psychosomatic Disorders.

This would occur if we haven’t learned to manage the stress and our response in a better manner, and to keep it under the threshold. Can this be done? Thankfully the answer is a “YES”.

There are many techniques of relaxation that can help manage stress better. It could be meditation, yoga, relaxation, deep breathing etc., that can cause a state of relaxation that is the opposite of the stress response.

It is not just enough to learn techniques for stress management, (which of course is beneficial), but it is also important to understand the stressors, the triggering factors etc. It is also important to understand and be aware of the emotions that are evoked in us and to be able to accept, express and manage them in an effective way.

If you would like to meet with a professional counsellor, call us at +91 96321 46316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

We provide professional and confidential counselling services at different locations in Bangalore – Jayanagar, Koramangala, Cox Town, Marathahalli, Mahadevpura.

The post Stress first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.