How to save your turbulent marriage
Even couples with a significantly turbulent marriage can gain from Marriage counselling / Marital therapy, provided they are willing to invest themselves in the process and put in the effort towards their goals. I usually tell my couple clients, as a therapist I facilitate and enable the process, but the effort needs to come from them.
Vicky and Meera (fictional case) came for couple counseling after they had filed for a divorce by mutual consent. They were married for 5 years, both had good successful careers, were doing very well financially, and they had gotten married after a year of courtship.
Both of them reported that they couldn’t communicate with each other anymore. Almost every conversation would result in a disagreement, escalate and would become a conflict. Every conflict was intense, and it would go on to shouting and screaming at each other, and then prolonged silence for weeks and months sometimes, and underlying issues remained unresolved since years. They couldn’t come to an agreement on anything and also postponed having a child, with things being so unstable between the two of them. Love that they felt earlier for each other had now turned into loathing and indifference.
Though they had filed for divorce, they came for counselling to see whether a last ditch effort could possibly save their marriage.
As their therapist, the first important thing that I wanted them do, is to have a clear understanding of was what is that they were trying to save over here? What is the definition of marriage for each of them? Is it just not getting divorced? Is it just holding onto the legal and societal status of being married?
I usually tell my couple clients who come for counselling, yes marriage is a commitment but it has four components.
1. Legal component– when two people are married they undergo certain rituals or sign a piece of legal paper, which makes them legally married and if they want to walk away from each other they need to legally sign another piece of paper to get divorced.
2. Social component– when two people are married they present themselves as a couple. They have social obligations like living together, may have children and will need to take care of the children as parents, interact and build relationships with each other families, support each other financially, share responsibilities etc.
3. Emotional component – to be there for each other emotionally both during good times and difficult times and support each other. This includes love, affection, care, concern, attachment etc.
4. Sexual component – to cater to each other’s reasonable sexual needs that are acceptable to both and not to look for sexual gratification outside the boundaries of the relationship as agreed.
So I asked Vicky and Meera, what is it that they want to save, when they say that they want to save their marriage.
A marriage with only the legal and social component would mean that they might possibly stay together under one roof but not really have any meaningful relationship between the two of them.
If they are willing to work upon building a better relationship between the two of them, then all the four components can be made better. Both of them agreed to attempt at making the relationship better. They also agreed on a time frame to make an effort at it and if they still don’t feel any better, to part on amicable terms.
There were four stages that they went through in the process.
- Focusing on one’s own contribution to the problem
Initially they kept complaining about each other, which was expected, because those were the reasons that each of them felt that this relationship was not working. I highlighted it to them that when they are so busy pointing finger at each other in so many instances, what they forget is that the other fingers in their hands or actually pointing towards themselves. At appropriate times I would encourage them to also look at their role in creating and maintaining the problem that they had in the relationship. When they were focusing on the other person’s action or inaction, they felt powerless because they had no control over the other person. And the constant need to gain power on the other person means that they were stuck in an endless power struggle.
2. Willingness to Listen and Talk/Share
One of the main reasons why they were not able to communicate with each other was that neither of them was listening to what the other person was trying to say. The focus was to counter the other person’s argument rather than attempting to understand other person’s point of view. Listening and understanding does not mean that one needs to agree to it. It is possible to understand and empathize with the other person even if you don’t fully agree with them. Communication had dried up between the two of them because there was scared that any topic that they talk about would eventually turn into a disagreement and a conflict.
When I encouraged them to listen to each other and understand without having to counter it with different argument, at the same time not needing to agree on it, it was a significant revelation to them. Even when they had a different opinion, they could present it after having understood the other person’s views. And they were surprised to find that many a time, they did find that there was at least something or a part which they agreed upon with the other.
3. Respect- Respect-Respect
Both of them learnt to manage their emotions better and where encouraged to take a Timeout (stop the conversation for a specified time period and calm themselves) whenever they found their emotions go out of control or overwhelm them. The behaviours of shouting and yelling etc would happen when their frustration, anger and other emotions would go out of bounds. Though they respected each other in their minds, it was not reflecting in their behaviour. When they were able to listen to each other they were also able to understand other behaviours that their partner found or felt to be disrespectful and acted upon it positively.
4. Show genuine affection and appreciation openly
Once they were able to make progress on the first three steps, Vicky and the Meera were encouraged to explicitly show their appreciation of each other – be it a trait, a characteristic, something that they did etc. They learnt different ways of showing their love and affection to each other.
Vicky and Meera were really committed to the process and made genuine efforts towards their stated goals and saved their marriage, by making their relationship better for themselves and each other. The indifference was gone, loathing was replaced by respect and they openly communicated their feelings and opinions with each other. They took back the divorce petition and felt more connected to each other and enjoyed their renewed intimacy.
The Counsellor brings in their understanding of human psychology, relationship dynamics, psychological models, tools, methodologies etc to the process. The Counsellor does not tell the couple whether they should remain together or move apart. The counselor does not judge whether this marriage will work out or not. The client has the power to make a decision regarding their relationships. In Vicky and Meera’s case they were able to change their initial decision to part and come together more strongly as a couple.
Read my answer on Quora on a related question –
Does marriage counselling ever help save marriages? Are couples usually happy after counselling?
About the Author:
Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential – face to face Counselling in Bangalore including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling in Bangalore and Online Counselling over video calls for others residing outside Bangalore and abroad.
Reach us at +919632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in. If you are in Bangalore, you can meet the counselor in person – face to face. If you are in a different location you can ask for online counselling over video calls.