How not to say hurtful things to your partner in a conflict
Congratulations!! You are now aware of your behavioral pattern of saying hurtful things to your partner during a conflict which you generally do not mean.
How do you not say hurtful things to your partner in a conflict? How to be gentle, kind and respectful even if you are fighting? Well, it is possible to fight fair.
What do you do with this newfound awareness? How do you address this behavior in such a way that you do get your point across to your partner, get your own needs met through your partner at the same time also keep in mind your partner’s needs and state of mind as well.
- Be aware of your emotional state during the conflict
As the argument progresses, be aware of what are the emotions that you are experiencing as well as the intensity of those emotions. If you realize that your emotions are overwhelming you, and are going out of control, then it is a good time to take a break or a “Time-out” of the argument, to literally take that time out to calm yourself down and to come back and continue the argument in a calm manner.
- Maintain respect in the argument no matter what the circumstances are
If you find yourself using foul language or calling names are insulting or putting down your partner then understand that you are being disrespectful and that is not healthy for your relationship even if it lets you win the argument. Disrespect could also come from your voice, tone, pitch, your language, your facial expressions and your gestures as well. This would damage your relationship in the long term and in the short term hurt your partner deeply. If you are not able to maintain respect go back to step 1 and take a timeout.
- Learn to empathize with your partner
Try to understand your partner’s point of view, even if you disagree with that. And when you understand what their experience was or what their emotions were and express your understanding to your partner then you are able to empathize with them. This is the exact opposite of saying hurtful things to your partner by focusing on your partner’s experience. You are providing them empathy with active listening and genuine understanding of your partner. And this is possible even when you disagree with them on the content.
- Gain perspective
No matter what is being said in the argument in the present, when you gain perspective and put it in the overall scheme of things then you will be able to see that the current argument doesn’t really matter and you don’t really have to react to what is being said in the moment
- Being aware of the possible guilt
Saying harsh, hurtful things in the course of the argument could give your short term gratification, but it will make you feel unpleasant and guilty at the end of it because you said things which would really didn’t mean. Your partner would be hurt and that would not change. Yes there is a possibility that you are hurt as well. But two hurts do not cancel each other.
6. Stay on the issue and don’t bring other points or issues into the picture.
When ever there is any attempt to diverge into other issues or bring in problems from the past, bring it back on the current issue. Call it out and stay on the issue being discussed. Refuse to bring in any other unrelated or even related topics into the discussion.
It is possible to fight fair. It is possible to be gentle and kind to each other even if you are having a fight or argument of conflict. Conflicts could be a healthy way of expressing your point of view; disagreeing on things; sorting out issues; getting your unmet needs met and so on, if both of you are able to deal with the conflict in a healthy and adaptive manner.
About the Author:
Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a professional counsellor she provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.