How to Parent without over-parenting or under-parenting

Why do we over parent or under parent? How did we learn to parent in the first place?

Our major learning about parenting comes from our own childhood with our parents or parent figures.

• We either try to emulate them – consciously or inadvertently. We might behave exactly like how our parents behaved with us.
• Or we may try to just be the opposite of our parents – if we had experienced any difficulties in our childhood. If our parents were very strict – we may decide never to be strict with our children. Or if we had financial difficulties during our childhood, we may decide that our child will get everything and no price is too much.

So why does over-parenting or under-parenting happen?  What does it mean? Lets also look at some of the reasons for the same. How can we parent without over or under doing it?

1. Want to keep the children safe:

Reason: Parents become over involved and over protective of the children to keep them safe. Here safe might mean protecting the child from any negative experiences, protecting the child from facing any difficulties in life, not allowing the child to take even a reasonable risk, not allowing the child to deal with any uncertainty, difficult emotions etc.  To achieve this, the parents might get over involved in each and every one of their child’s activities, get involved in their choice of friends, get involved in their choice of boyfriend / girlfriend, get involved in every small decision that the child needs to make, to ensure that the decision is right, or even take the decisions on their behalf unnecessarily, and may end up directing and living their life vicariously through the child.

Impact: This makes it difficult for the child to develop the essential coping mechanisms and skills towards self efficacy. And they grow with a sense of entitlement and are unable to appreciate what they have been provided in life. These children grow up to the realities of life and find themselves unable to accept, deal, cope with the challenges and hardships of life.

Approach: As parents – you can keep them safe, protect them but help them learn to keep themselves safe. Let them take decisions.  But help them learn to make choices, take informed decisions where they have analysed and assessed the pros and cons of the decision. Help them be prepared to face the consequences of their decisions.

2. Operate from a space of guilt:

Reason: Many times parents also operate from a space of guilt and end up over or under parenting the children. The parents may both be working, may not have adequate time as they might desire to spend time with the child or to engage with the child as desired. This make them feel guilty and to compensate for the same they might provide the children things or gadgets with the child might not need at the age.

Impact: They might over indulge the child by giving excessive pocket money and not be able to supervise how the pocket money is being spent. Parents also end up under parenting and might not question the mis-behaviour of the child, and tolerate disrespect. Parents may be reluctant to and not specify clear limits, rules, boundaries for the child.

Approach: It was your decision as a couple to have children and your decision to have your careers. It is not necessary that these two need to be mutually exclusive.  You can plan your life in such a way to provide them quality time, plan to share your responsibilities with your partner towards your children. Still if you are feeling guilt, you need to learn to deal with it and not allow it to manifest in over or under parenting your children.  You need to be confident that, at a overall level you are providing the time, space, love, affection, the right environment for your children to grow into responsible adults. The limits, the boundaries, the rules applicable to the children need to be consistent across the family, including yourself, your partner and other important caregivers.

3. Do not want the child to experience failure:

Reason: Parents also might not want their child to experience failure and the pain associated with it.  For that reason, parents might end up doing the project work of the child, sometimes even outsource the project work (it happens), ensuring they get the right admissions into the college, use their influence to ensure that they get the right job etc

Impact: This directly impacts the child’s confidence in self. When parents don’t believe in their capability it becomes very difficult for the child believe in self. This lowers the child self esteem, robs them of a sense of accomplishment, create low frustration tolerance, low tolerance to failure, and low resilience – that means any challenge that they face becomes intolerable for them.

Approach: Only when you fall, you learn to get up.  When the parent doesn’t allow the child to fall or fail in anything at all, the child doesn’t learn to recover from a failure. Facing failure and recovering from failure is a very key life experience that the child can learn from. The child is deprived of an opportunity to learn and grow from the failure. As parents be there when they fall, be there when they fail, help them up, be there for them to reach out, to talk to. As parents accept that you cannot prevent all the falls and fails of your children.

4. Child centric families:

Reason: Children are a very important part of the family – yes, true.  But when the child becomes the center of the universe for the parents and the family, then it creates significant imbalance in the way the family operates.  The child has a say in everything in a age inappropriate way. The child’s whims and fancies take precedence over the families needs and preferences. Every wish of the child is fulfilled. Only the child’s  happiness matters,  the child has too many choices on every matter, too much say on every matter, and the child can do anything and not face any consequences.

Impact: The child starts believing that they have all the power in every life circumstance. Which means they will start believing they are entitled to everything that they want.  Which is not true in real life, which they will have to face when they grow up into adolescence and adulthood.  And it can be heartbreaking for them, disillusion them, and they would be unprepared to face the realities of life and relationships.

Approach: As parents, children are a very important part of your life, but not your entire life.  You need to give them the right environment for them to learn, grow and fulfill their potential.  That includes the children learning to be part of the family and adjusting to the family’s way of life, with parents, with siblings, with relatives, with grandparents etc. Let the children know that they are important for you but not the only thing that is important for you.

5. Conflicted marital relationship:

Reason: When there are conflicts in the marital relationship it will have an impact on the children one way or the other.  But it also can make the parent over indulge the children, to compensate.  Sometimes parents may also use this as a mechanism to win the children over to their side.

Impact: The children get dual messages in these circumstances, and it can have potentially long-term implications on the child’s personality, beliefs and approach to the world in general.

Approach: Parents need to ensure that the impact of the damage on their children is as minimal as possible, as they try to address the conflicts in the marital relationship. Remember, irrespective of whether the two of you remain as a couple or decide to separate, you will still continue to be parents to your children. So despite the difficulties you are facing in your marital relationship, maintain dignity and respect with each other and as parents towards your children.  Trying to make them take sides, or trying to influence them by over indulging, trying to turn them against your partner etc is going to impact them negatively.

Remember – you are the adults and parents in the family and they are the children.  You can take their opinions into consideration – in an age appropriate way for important decisions. Set limits and boundaries and as they grow and learn to negotiate with them appropriately. Give them responsibilities within the household and outside. Be their safety net – help them up when they fall.  Model the behavior that you want them to learn.  As parents you both need to pull yourself up and walk the talk. Your children will learn more from what they see you do than what you tell them to do or not to do.

 

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling.  She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.