“I am sorry”- Apologize in a way that brings you closer
“I am sorry” – Is that a complete apology?
Conflicts and disagreements are a regular part of any relationship. Talking about couple relationships, it is how the couple deal with the conflict and resolve it, that would determine whether they feel closer together or distanced apart. One of the key components here is how do they make up for the hurt that was caused in the conflict.
So you have realized that it was some action or mistake on your part, something that you did or didn’t, something that you said or not said which might have hurt your partner. How do you deal with the hurt, pain, shame or other emotions caused in your partner?
It is so difficult to say those three words “I am sorry” and even if those words are being said, the question is whether it is genuine and sincerely said, whether the apology was truly intended, that’s what determines the quality of the resolution.
As a couple therapist I usually tell my clients that there are two parts to an apology- one is the verbal tendering of the apology and the second one is actions that follow through the apology.
Keep aside your ego and admit your part:
Its not going to help your relationship, to deny, defend and justify your action. Ask yourself, how have I contributed to the situation and have caused the pain.
Saying Sorry – that is genuine and heart felt:
The apology should be sincere, intended, heartfelt and true. When we communicate, it is only 30% is through the words that we use and the rest the 70% is the non verbal communication, which includes your body language, your facial expression, the tone of voice, pitch, speed of expression etc. Your body language and voice everything needs to reflect the remorse that you feel, without which the apology is not genuine.
Some might prefer to apologize by bringing flowers or gifts or writing a letter etc. Ensure that it is understood as a apology verbally than assumed so or worse, may be interpreted as a diversion.
Saying sorry just to close the conversation or just to get your partner to shut up is not really an apology. The question is, whether you really understand why your partner was hurt / pained in the first place. What behaviour of yours or expression of yours or action or inaction of yours that caused that hurt.
Taking responsibility:
A significant part of the verbal apology is acknowledgement of that hurt/pain or difficult emotions caused and an acknowledgement of the action that caused that.
You might want to say I am sorry, I apologize that I did something or said something or I should not have said something which has hurt you. Here you are acknowledging your partner’s emotions and also acknowledging the part that you played in that and committing/ promising that you will not do it again or you’ll try your best not let it happen again.
Do not use the fearsome “but” after your apology. When you end up justifying what happened in the form of the appended “but” your apology vanishes into thin air.
Show it in action – consistently:
The second part of the apology is about your actions. Whether you learnt something from the situation and whether the learning that you got from the situation is incorporated into your thoughts, your actions, your behavior in a consistent manner at a reasonable and acceptable level. Saying sorry and then continuing to do the same thing again and again is a sure shot way to damage your relationship.
About the Author:
Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/realationship counselling and family counselling. She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.