Lying.  One of the common behaviours that we all engage in, somewhere or the other. We may lie about our whereabouts, or saying we will reach in 10 minutes when we know it will take half an hour, we may say that we are not well to take leave at work.  We tell these lies and we assume them to be innocuous. Are there lies in your relationship?  Can you assume them to be innocuous or does it damage the relationship over time? Is it possible to recover from the damage caused by lying to your relationship?

One of my favourite sayings on this topic is
“The greatest advantage in speaking the truth is that you don’t have to remember what you said”

Before addressing the impact of lying on relationships, let us first look at what all would be lying.

– Omitting any piece of information deliberately – a partial truth or a partial lie.
– Hiding something or offering white lies assuming that what your partner does not know would not hurt them.
– Avoiding answers, or offering vague answers to avoid telling the truth.
– To defend yourself or to protect, you may be saying an outright lie.
– Lying could be about small little things are big things in life, but over time they do tend to pile up.

What happens when you lie your partner? Can you assume them to be innocuous or does it damage the relationship over time?  Let us find out.

1. Lying damages the trust in the relationship:

Trust is one of the fundamental pillars of a relationship. When you have been lying to your partner, you might do it assuming it will not be found or that it is too small etc. Trust me, lies will always found by your partner sooner or later. It can make them feel insecure and it would make them unsure about what to believe in and what not to. You may end up sowing the seeds of suspicion in your partner, that they may feel confused about anything important that you ever said was ever true. 

2. Lying does hurt both of you.

Many may justify that, what their partner doesn’t know wouldn’t hurt them. That’s a myth. Lying hurts both you and your partner. Your partner might feel devalued, unimportant and feel hurt. More time that passes, more can be the hurt caused.  And even if your partner hasn’t found out about it yet, you would still know that you lied, that could have a impact on your relationship, in terms of your openness and honesty and involvement in the relationship. It impacts your integrity and your sense of self.

Your partner knows even if they haven’t caught you or confronted you yet. When you are in intimate relationship your partner knows you deeply. They will know that something is off. This can pass them to withdraw or become suspicious. It can also impact your partner’s sense of worth in the relationship.

3. Lying creates a vicious cycle trapping you in a maze of lies:

And when you lie about one thing, you will end up lying for the more to cover it up. And lies have a geometric progression. That means to hide one you might have to say two, three or more lies. And to hide each one of them, you might have to tell two, three or more lies. And you will end up with a big pile of lies on other words a big pile of mess. This can make it a habit and you could get caught in this vicious cycle. You might end up feeling trapped in it, unable to get out of it with out damaging yourself, your partner and your relationship. Some times when you tell a lie repeatedly, you might also end up convincing yourself that it is the truth blurring the lines between truth and lie for you.

Is it possible to recover from the damage caused by lying to your relationship?

The answer is yes. It is possible to recover from the damage and re-build the relationship, provided both parties are willing to put in the effort required as needed.  This will require commitment to take full ownership of your past lies without any blaming or shifting of blame on the other or on the situation. The partner who has been lying will need to take the primary responsibility for honesty and accountability to rebuild trust in the relationship. This could mean, apologizing or explaining with out justifying your actions. To hear out the aggrieved partner offer validation and empathy. To learn from the past and commit to openness honesty ad transparency going forward. Of course the other partner also needs to be willing to look at their own contribution to the problem at hand, and allow for trust to be rebuilt.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post How does lying impact your relationship? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

When couples come in for therapy, or even individuals who want to work on their relationship, one of the key things that we discuss and try to understand is what is their definition of a relationship. What are the components or what I call as pillars of relationship?  Many Couples are surprised to realize that the definition of relationship is very different from each other.

Let me share the framework that I usually offer to clients, a set of pillars that need to be strong to support a healthy relationship.  When even one of these pillars are damaged it does shakeup the relationship impacting its stability. Curious to know what these pillars are?

These pillars are  
1. Commitment
2. Trust
3. Respect
4. Communication

Let’s jump right in, and talk about each one of them in detail. 

The first Pillar is Commitment. Commitment has four layers.

1a. Legal commitment: When a couple get married it is a legally documented or legally valid relationship that is also a legal contract. Here both the partners get specific rights and responsibilities, and if they want to get separated, they may need to go through legally valid process or legal process to get divorced.

1b. Social commitment: If you are committed to each other or when you live together, you also take up a social commitment to present yourself as a couple. You may need to interact with each other families, and friends.  If you have children, you take up parental responsibilities etc

1c. Emotional and Support commitment: Here you commit to address each other’s reasonable needs, which includes love, affection, care, concern, support and so on.  Be there for each other physically, mentally, emotionally, financially in good times and bad times, take care of each other, share responsibilities etc. It is also a commitment to not seek or offer this kind of support outside of the relationship that makes your partner uncomfortable or without your partner’s consent.  What is ok or not ok for your relationship, that is, what are the boundaries of your relationship is something that is defined by the two of you.  

1d. Sexual commitment: To address each other reasonable sexual needs and to commit not to look for sexual experiences outside the relationship, with your partner’s consent if you are in a monogamous relationship.  If you are in an ethical not-monogamous relationship, then the commitment is to stick to the agreed upon rules of your relationship.

The second pillar is trust: 

It is said that it takes years to build trust but a moment to break it and forever to rebuild. To build trust it is important that both partners remain open and honest with each other. Trust also means keeping your words and promises, sticking to your commitments and taking action accordingly, not making tall promises and renege on it. Being consistent with what you do and what you believe in. Saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Being honest about your emotions, admitting to your mistakes and not repeating it and so on.

Many people think that, sharing partial information, withholding or telling White Lies which in their opinion doesn’t hurt the other person etc doesn’t damage the relationship, but it does. Maybe I will do a different video focusing on this topic, but when there are many lies being told, and subsequently your partner will figure it out. And they will not be able to trust if anything that you tell is true or ever told was truth.

The third pillar is Respect: 

Without respect there is no real relationship, when you respect your partner, there is space for them to be who they are, to hold and express their opinions and preferences even if they are different from yours.  To respect each other’s values and beliefs. That both of you know that you would consider each other choices, preferences, comfort levels, discuss with each other and arrive at a consensus for any significant decisions. Respect also could be about valuing each other, valuing what you do, valuing what each other does for the relationship. It is also about talking and interacting with each other’s families respectfully etc.  It also means staying away from disrespectful behaviour like physical violence or emotional abuse, putdowns, insults, name calling, sarcasm, manipulation etc.  Respect means, you both feel safe in each other’s presence, to be who you are and feel accepted by your partner.

The fourth pillar is Effective Communication:

Effective communication is the pillar that enables the other pillars to stay strong. The damage to a relationship first show up in this pillar as communication breakdown. Couples need to be able to communicate positively about how they appreciate each other value each other, how they are important to each other, and how they rely and are interdependent on each other. Couples also need to be able to have difficult communications (have a conflict) but still be able to convey their point of view to each other and understand each other point of views and arrive at a resolution. To be able to clarify misunderstandings, take responsibility for one’s own actions and inactions and apologize if needed. Couples also need to able to understand one’s own emotions, then each other’s emotions and be able to empathize with each other in order address each other’s needs.   

So we talked about the 4 pillars of a relationship.  Commitment, Trust, Respect and Communication.

Remember your relationship is like the house that you build on top of these pillars.  The pillars are somewhere connected to each other. So when there is damage in one it will result in some damage and the others also, and damage when it is left unaddressed for long can ultimately impact your relationship significantly.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post The Four Pillars of a Relationship. first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Are you having more and more conflicts with your spouse? Are your conflicts escalating, even when you are trying to resolve the same?

Sharad and Sonia started their marriage on a wonderful note. Beautiful wedding, exciting, romantic and interesting places for their honeymoon.  They settled down in a beautiful new apartment in the heart of the city.  Life seemed wonderful for the both of them.

Within six months into the marriage, small disagreements and conflicts started creeping in.  As time went by, even the smallest of the conflicts started getting escalated. Argument would start about something but end at a completely different level fighting about completely different things.  And nothing would get resolved between the two of them.  They started fearing that any conversation might lead to a conflict and they started communicating less and less with each other, leading to more distancing, reduced intimacy and reduced expression of love and affection.

If you relate to this fictionalized couple, as a relationship therapist, let me tell you, it is possible to diffuse such escalating conflicts in 3 simple steps.

1. Manage your emotions

Be aware of your emotions, and manage your emotions. And when your emotions become unmanageable, take a “Time Out” to calm yourself down, and come back to continue the discussion when both of you are in a fairly calm state of mind. It is important to set a time, to resume the discussion, otherwise the issue remains unresolved.  When one partner asks for a “Time Out” the other partner should oblige and get them both the time needed to calm down.

2. Stick to the current issue at hand

Most of the time issues get escalated because one of you or the both of you would bring in other issues either from the present or from the past to bolster your case or to prove that you are right.  Unresolved issues from the past get brought up in the present, to gain an upper hand in the fight. You might also end up bringing in to the argument, issues related to the family and friends of the other.

3. Maintain respect

No matter what the topic of the disagreement or conflict is about, make sure whatever you say and however you say, is respectful to your partner. Make sure your voice, your tone, your body language, your gestures and the words that you choose to use remain respectful. If you are emotions are out of control and you are agitated and unable to maintain your composure, go back to step 1 and take a time out.

If you both can follow these three steps, no matter how major a conflict that you have, it will be possible for you de-escalate the same and to address it in a healthy manner with your partner, and possibly bring it to a resolution. And in some cases possibly agree to disagree as well in a healthy manner.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling.  She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.

The post Are your relationship conflicts escalating-defuse in three steps first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.