In today’s fast-changing relationship landscape, love alone no longer feels like enough. Across Indian cities, a quiet yet powerful shift is unfolding, more individuals and couples are seeking guidance from professionals, choosing premarital counselling before marital commitment, and as a deliberate step toward healthier, stronger relationships.  And the reasons are both cultural and psychological.

Inner Dawn counsellor Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured in Deccan Herald on 21 January 2026.

https://www.deccanherald.com/lifestyle/spike-in-premarital-counselling-3869069

According to a recent Deccan Herald article, therapists in Bengaluru are witnessing a steady increase in demand for premarital counselling from couples, live-in partners, and individuals preparing for first or second marriages who are seeking relationship guidance, either before tying the knot or to resolve issues in their relationships.

Why Is Premarital Counselling Gaining Popularity?

More people are realising that marriage is not just a romantic decision, but a psychological, emotional and practical partnership.  But this involves other important conversations and agreements on different topics like money, boundaries, future plans, having children, family involvement, etc. Clients seek the support of the counsellor to facilitate these conversations.

Some key reasons behind this rise include:

• Growing awareness about mental health
• Reduced stigma around therapy
• Increased divorce rates prompting prevention over repair
• Diminishing support from family and friends
• Second marriages bring emotional, financial, and family complexities
• Couples wanting deeper compatibility before commitment

Premarital counselling is no longer seen just as a “problem-solving” tool, but also as a way to strengthen relationships and prepare for the relationship responsibilities.

Who can benefit from this process?

Most folks who seek premarital counselling are between 25 and 35 years, though a growing number of individuals in their 40s and beyond are also reaching out, especially those entering second marriages.

This includes:

• Couples who are in a relationship and considering a live-in or marriage
• Live-in partners who may or may not be planning for marriage
• Engaged couples in a love marriage or arranged marriage setting
• Individuals who are considering marriage but are feeling unsure or unclear about it
• Individuals and couples preparing to remarry  

For many, this is about not repeating old patterns and building something healthier this time around.

What Happens in Premarital Counselling?

It is important to get into a marital relationship with expectations that are reasonable and an understanding of what the marital relationship means to both partners.  Lack of knowledge about what marriage entails, the responsibilities that need to be managed, may result in disillusionment and failure of the marital relationship itself. Premarital counselling provides a safe space to explore:

• Communication styles and emotional needs
• Conflict patterns and repair strategies
• Financial beliefs and lifestyle expectations
• Family roles, day-to-day sharing of responsibilities
• Intimacy, trust, and long-term goals
• Conversations around difficult topics like money, boundaries, etc.

Rather than avoiding difficult conversations, couples learn how to have them safely before stress and misunderstandings take root.

How can it help Especially for Second Marriages

Second marriages often carry unspoken fears, past wounds, blended family concerns, and financial complexities. Especially when there are children, co-parenting, visitations involved, etc., there will be a need for continued contact with the ex-spouse/ex-partner, which can create insecurities in the new relationship. Premarital Counselling helps individuals heal unresolved emotional baggage, build trust at a realistic pace, clarify expectations and boundaries, and prevent repeating old relationship scripts.  Instead of “hoping this time will be different,” premarital counselling helps make it intentionally different.

Is Premarital Counselling Right for You?

Marriage is no longer just about tradition or timing. It is about emotional readiness, shared values, and conscious choice. Premarital counselling offers couples a way to step into commitment with clarity rather than confusion. The rise in premarital counselling is not a sign that relationships are weaker; it is proof that people are choosing to be wiser.

• You may benefit from pre-marital counselling if you
• Want deeper emotional understanding of yourself and your partner
• Struggle to communicate during conflict
• Feel unsure about long-term compatibility
• Are entering a second marriage
• Unsure of commitment/marriage/relationship expectations

Think of premarital counselling as a relationship fitness plan. If you are planning to marry, whether for the first or second time, consider premarital counselling as a meaningful first step.

Because love is the beginning. Understanding and growing together is what sustains it.

The post Premarital Counselling, need of the hour in India first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Panel Discussion on Pre-Marital Counselling and Family Well-Being. I had the privilege of being invited as a panellist by the Gender Studies Committee at the School of Law, CHRIST (Deemed to be University),  for a panel discussion on “Pre-Marital Counselling and Family Well-Being”. This was organized as part of the International Women’s Day celebrations,  EMPOW(H)ER on March 10th, 2025.

We explored the role of pre-marital counselling in building healthy relationships, strategies for preparing for marital harmony, ensuring both emotional and financial preparedness in relationships etc.

The panel included esteemed professionals and a moderator to facilitate the discussion.

• Ms. Neelam Kamall, a mental health counsellor and mediator at Looking Glass
• Ms. Latha Prasad, a senior lawyer and mediator at the Bangalore Mediation Centre
• Ms. Kala Balasubramanian a Psychologist and Psychotherapist – Founder of Inner Dawn Counselling.
• Ms Siri a Lawyer and POSH expert – Moderator.

Our discussion focused on the growing relevance of pre-marital counselling in today’s society. As social beings, humans are naturally wired to seek connection and relationships. Pre-marital counselling provides valuable support to individuals and couples (whether in cis-heterosexual or LGBTQI+ relationships) who are navigating their journey toward long-term commitment or marriage. It is particularly beneficial for:

• Couples considering marriage or a committed partnership.
• Those seeking to address relationship concerns before making a long-term commitment.
• Couples in a relationship who want to resolve any prevailing issues.
• Clients entering an arranged marriage who wish to look for compatibility and be prepared for potential challenges.
• Individual clients looking for clarity on their expectations, addressing their fears and doubts if any etc.

The Role and Benefits of Pre-Marital Counselling

Today the definitions of relationships and marriage have changed; gender roles are in the process of change. Monogamy, ethical non-monogamy, and other types of relationships have emerged. And as always, change also brings in a resistance to change as well. Given this changing landscape, pre-marital counselling helps individuals and couples develop a deeper understanding of self and each other by exploring key aspects of their relationship, including:

Assessing Compatibility – Exploring shared values, expectations, and emotional connection
Communication – Effective communication and emotional literacy skills
Conflict Resolution – Healthy ways to navigate disagreements and strengthen the relationship
Discuss Key Life Aspects – Discussion on finances, boundaries, future goals, physical intimacy, parenting expectations etc.

A skilled counsellor facilitates this process using open-ended questions, reflective exercises, and guided discussions to foster mutual understanding and empathy. Active listening, paraphrasing, and empathic responses help model effective communication and emotional connection.

The lawyers and mediators on the panel discussed about how the mediation process can help resolve conflicts and how pre-marital counselling can help in being prepared for marital life and avoiding a lot of pain and challenges upfront.

Key Insights from the Panel Discussion

The panel also explored the importance of:

• Neutrality in Counselling & Mediation – A counsellor or mediator must remain impartial to create a safe space for all clients
• Empathy and Active Listening – Patience and deep listening are essential in understanding clients’ perspectives
• Communication as a Life Skill – Effective communication and conflict resolution are crucial not only for couples but for all interpersonal relationships
• Pre-Marital Counselling for Diverse Relationships – Support is valuable for all individuals, couples, including LGBTQI+ couples and those planning for arranged marriages
• Proactive Relationship Building – Addressing potential challenges early can help strengthen relationships and foster long-term well-being

This discussion underscored the value of equipping individuals and couples with the tools to build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

#PreMaritalCounselling #RelationshipWellbeing #EmotionalLiteracy #ConflictResolution #CommunicationSkills #WomensDay

The post Powerful impact of pre-marital counselling in these changing times first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

If a couple says they don’t fight at all, there sure is some problem there.  And if they fight all the time then definitely there is a problem.

When couples have conflicts they typically have 4 options
1. They may choose to completely avoid the conflict pushing the issue under the carpet
2. They will engage in the conflict but Most of these would get escalated
3. One may just give in just to avoid the conflict. Or the other forcefully pushes their agenda. That means they agree on the surface, but deep within resentment builds up in the relationship.  
4. Deal with the conflict in a healthy manner.

It is a given that Conflicts and disagreements are and will be part of any relationship. Avoiding conflicts is impossible and inevitable in a close and personal relationship. It is how you deal with the conflict that determines whether you feel closer to each other or you feel torn apart.  

For healthy relationships it very important for both the partners to learn to deal with conflicts in a healthy manner.  Here I share with you 5 steps that you can follow to deal with conflicts in your relationship in a healthy manner.

1. Manage your emotions

When your emotions are running high when you are agitated the first thing which goes out of the window is listening.  And when there is no listening there can’t be any understanding, or empathy or progress.

And whatever you communicate when you are an agitated state will be coloured by those emotions. Leading to even more misunderstandings and escalation. When you are highly frustrated or angry etc you might end up saying things which you don’t mean,  or your body language could communicate aggression or disrespect etc which could be hurtful to your partner.

So when either of you are experiencing heightened emotions are agitation it might help to you take a time out and calm down before you continue with the conversation.

2.  Listen and clarify.  You can disagree but first listen

When your partner is talking, you are already thinking of why that is wrong or incorrect and you are already preparing a response to it in your head.

Or you already have a bunch of assumptions and preconceived notions about your partner and look at anything that they say or do through those lenses – another contributor to misunderstandings.

So if you can stay in the here and now, keep away the assumptions and attempt to listen to what your partner is saying though you may disagree.  Then it is possible to get to know your partners point of view. May be you will find a bit of value in it. This allows you to empathize with each other.  And then you can state your point of view or your disagreement.

3. Stay on the subject

When the conflict is escalating, at some point of time you don’t have anything more to say. And you bring in a new issue or you bring back something from the past which has stayed unresolved and throw it in the mix. Something which you can use in your favour or to blame or accuse your partner.

It is important to stay on the subject that you are discussing and not bring in other issues in the moment till the time the current subject is addressed. Otherwise, the issue will not get resolved and you will go around in circles.  And this issue will get stored carefully to be dragged in, in to a future conflict.

4. Respect always, no matter what

No matter what the conflict is, it is critical that both parties maintain respect in the conversation. This includes raising voice, sarcasm, put downs, hurtful or bad language, calling names etc.  Or it could be communicated in body language like rolling of the eyes, walking away or turning away, even withdrawal and silent treatment etc. Aggression or abuse in any form is disrespectful.

Respect is one of the core pillars of the relationship. And being the middle of the conflict does not give you the licence to be disrespectful to each other.

5. Take Responsibility

Sometimes at the end of the conflict, the issue at hand might get resolved and both of you may come to an agreement.

Having said that, what was said and done during the process of the conflict also could have caused a whole bunch of hurt, pain, shame sadness etc.

It is important that you take responsibility for the hurt caused as you went through the process of conflict. Otherwise these emotions will remain unresolved and will come up in another conflict downstream.

Apologize, acknowledge the impact of your words or action or inaction on your partner.

The important question is have you learnt from this experience? There is no point in apologizing for something and doing the same thing again and again.

So the key questions to ask would be

Are you able to deal with conflicts in your relationship effectively?
Are you able to listen, clarity and respond with respect and take respossibilty?
Do you address and resolve the hurt or other emotions evoked in the process of conflict?
Are you able to look for a win-win solution or approach that works for the both of you?

If your conflicts remain unresolved in your relationship or conflicts keep escalating then it might be a good idea to seek relationship counselling or therapy. You can also seek couple therapy to improve your relationship even before these challenges arise.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, TA etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

The post How to deal with conflicts in relationship in healthy way first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Dr John Gottman has done extensive research for over four decades on divorce prediction and marital stability.  He identifies four specific ways of interactions between couples, basically unhealthy communication styles, unless checked, can directly influence the level of marital discord, possibility of divorce or end of the relationship, i.e., what spells doom for a relationship.

It could be a good idea to look at your own relationships and see if there are these behaviors/communication styles and if yes, think about ways of addressing them at the earliest.

Criticism:

When two people come into a relationship, it is normal to rub each other on the wrong side, minor / major irritants coming up. It is healthy to give feed back or complain to the other person. Having said that, when one partner finds fault with the other partner’s actions/inaction more frequently, it becomes criticism of the person rather than their behavior. It becomes an attack on the person’s being, their character or their personality.

“Hadn’t you had agreed that you would inform your parents about this and explain our situation to them clearly? And you have not done it till now. You never take responsibility for anything”. 

What to watch out for –

• Are you critical about the specific issue or the person?
• Are you using generalizing words like – always, never, have you ever, every time, when you are talking to your partner?

It would make the other person feel attacked, impact their self esteem and cause hurt.  And the other person also might criticize back at some point in time, and this can become an escalating cycle of conflict.

Contempt:

Definition of contempt from Oxford dictionary – the feeling that a person is worthless or beneath consideration. Contempt in a relationship can show up as disrespectful communication in words, voice and in body language. Eg. Put downs, insults, shaming, calling names, hurtful language, belittling, rude tone, sarcasm etc, towards the partner or their family etc.

“I had asked you to do one thing.  And you had to mess it up. How more stupid can you be?  You are useless”.

What to watch out for –                     

• Are you conveying disrespect to the other person in your words/tone/body language?
• Are you assuming/believing a position of superiority in the relationship?
• Do you put down your partner – in private or in public? Does it make you feel powerful?
• Do you discount your partners feelings, opinions, preferences?

Contempt attacks the core of the other person, from an assumed position of superiority. It makes the other person feel worthless and decimates their sense of self worth, that they are not worthy of importance and respect.

Defensiveness:

This might be the response of the other partner to the criticism that we discussed earlier.  The criticized partner may deny, defend or justify their action or stance.  The criticized partner also could launch a counter-attack/ counter-criticism. Defensiveness does not enable taking responsibility or problem solving. 

“You missed the parent teachers meeting today. All that you are concerned is only about your work. What kind of parent are you?”

“I was busy at work.  I had a sudden client escalation that had to be handled.  We live a comfortable life because I put in so much of effort at my work. You just sit at home and keep finding faults with me. You are so ungrateful for what I provide.”

What to watch out for –

• Are you avoiding taking responsibility and owning up your contribution to the issue?
• When you feel criticized are you trying to put the blame back on your partner?
• Is the problem and both of your emotions spiralling out of control?

The conflict escalates and both partners are engaged in a spiral of criticism -deny/defend/justify/counter-attack (criticize back). With each iteration of the spiralling conflict, the emotional intensity increases and new or old unresolved issues might get thrown in to hurt the other.  Both partners may get hurt in the process, damaging the relationship.

Stonewalling:

This might be the response of the other partner to the contempt that we discussed earlier.  They may walk away, refuse to engage, ignore, shut down to the partner.  They may distract themselves by getting busy into some activity.  When the person feels overwhelmed with the conflict and contempt, they may psychologically withdraw from both the situation and their partner.

“I have been shouting at you since last hour and you are immersed in your phone.  Are you deaf or simply stupid?”

Silence.  Engaged with the phone. Ignoring what is being said.

What to watch out for –

• Do you disengage completely from your partner in
  difficult situations or conflict among you?
• Do you shut down from your partner and keep an
  emotional distance to keep yourself safe?

Stonewalling takes away the opportunity of resolving a problem.  It leads to more and more emotional distancing and strips away the essence of the relationship, as the other three behaviors mentioned above.

If you think you and your partner are engaging in these behaviors of Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling, you can and will need to remediate the situation, if you want to save your relationship and make it a healthy one. 

Seeking Couple therapy or marital therapy is an option to understand the roots of these behaviors, look for remedial options, to learn and adopt healthy ways of relating.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She takes an eclectic approach with different therapeutic modalities like CBT, Gestalt, TA in her work. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential Counselling and Therapy, including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

The post What spells doom for a relationship – Gottman’s four horsemen – Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Though the COVID pandemic has affected significant portions of the population, a greater silent pandemic is gripping the world today – loneliness.  Even people who are not susceptible to COVID virus have been affected by loneliness and reduced social connections.  This makes it all the more important to enhance and connect better with existing relationships, with people with whom we live and share spaces. When we don’t feel connected and attached in our relationships, we end up feeling lonely despite being surrounded by people. When you feel lonely in a relationship, it does have a significant impact.

We are all social beings. The need for interpersonal interaction is something that is wired into our needs which is as fundamental as food, clothing and shelter. When a baby is born, the mother or the parental figure would hold the baby close, touch the baby, stroke the baby and the infant feels secure.

The term stroke comes from this context. Stroke is a basic unit of recognition.  When we say hello to somebody we are offering them a stroke.  When they acknowledge us with an eye contact or a smile or a nod, they are offering back a stroke. In our entire life we seek strokes from others, from the universe and ourselves. This is called recognition hunger – a hunger for a special kind of warmth and contact in deeds or words.  The recognition that we get from a promotion at work, or the recognition we get when our friend/partner gives a warm hug, when our pet shows affection to us, when we watch a beautiful sunset they are all strokes with varied importance and intensity.  It is key to note that the importance and intensity is what we assign to the stroke.

Some strokes from a particular person may be valued more when compared to others.

For many couples, the strokes from their partner are highly valued and also craved for. In my experience as a relationship counsellor, when couples come into therapy, one of the common complaints is that one of them or both are feeling unappreciated by each other. They are feeling stroke-deprived, unacknowledged by each other, and there is perhaps an underlying sense of being taken for granted. This can make then feel lonely in a relationship, aggravating all other conflicts, and doesn’t allow bonding/closeness and true intimacy.  

The Stroke Economy (SE) is a set of rules enforced by our own critical voice that we hear inside that keeps us from giving and accepting positive strokes.  The Stroke Economy rules that we live by are:

1. Don’t give strokes you want to give.
2. Don’t ask for strokes you want.
3. Don’t accept strokes you want.
4. Don’t reject strokes you don’t want.
5. Don’t give yourself strokes.
   -(Claude Steiner (1997))

We don’t accept the strokes that we get and we feel stroke deprived. We even modify good strokes that we get and make them negative ones.

I usually ask the couple to do an appreciation exercise on an everyday basis. They would need to schedule about 15 to 20 minutes each day to sit down with each other, make eye contact and provide at least three genuine appreciations to the other.  The couple would practice giving and receiving appreciation and expressing how they felt about it.  If they are not accepting or rejecting the stroke, they will become aware of it. This could be as simple as a compliment for a dress or an acknowledgement for how they took care of you when you were sick. What is important is the intent to appreciate the other.

The next part of the exercise is to ask for specific appreciation from their partner.  This will involve highlighting something which they appreciate about themselves and asking their partner for the same. The challenge to overcome here is that people think that if they have to ask for an acknowledgement or appreciation, then even if they get it, it doesn’t count. 

Feel more fulfilled and less lonely in a relationship

Five things that can happen by giving and receiving positive appreciations/strokes in your relationship and these can enable you to give and receive more positive strokes – building a positive loop in the relationship.

1. Be grateful to have a partner

It is possible that you might have had a conflict with your partner.  Or there may be other things that you both do that are annoying for each other. Despite all that it is important to remember that you both chose each other. And at this point in time it is good to be grateful to have a partner.

2. Finding positives in your partner

When you are feeling grateful, you will also be able to see the other positives that your partner brings in. Despite all the things that frustrate you in the relationship there definitely will be some positives that your partner brings onto the table.  Make an attempt to identify these positives that your partner has. Make an attempt to express them to your partner that you acknowledge them, appreciate them. Not being appreciated by your partner definitely contributes to feeling lonely in a relationship.

3. Ask yourself if you are taking your partner for granted

This is a very important question to ask yourself when you are in a relationship.  Taking things for granted takes away all the positivity and retains only the negative, difficult, and conflicting aspects of the relationship in your thoughts and memory. Look for positive traits and even small things that your partner does for you or shows care for you. Taking your partner for granted is a sure-shot way for both of you to feel lonely in a relationship.

4. Make a conscious attempt to engage in more positive acts

These are difficult times. You might have observed that you spend more time effort and energy at work to make or maintain a good impression and be in the good books of your higher ups. In the same note I would encourage you to also consider your relationships equally important. Things have changed at home front as well, and there are difficulties. And you are relationships deserve attention and care as well. Make an attempt to create positive and pleasant memories in your relationships too.

5. Be kind to yourself and your partner

It is important to quieten the critical voice inside both towards yourself as well as people around you. You can try to replace it with more kind and compassionate words and voice. With this you learn to appreciate your own self as well as people around you. 

We seek relationships, and we want to be happy. There is so much we can do to not feel lonely in a relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She takes an eclectic approach with different therapeutic modalities like CBT, Gestalt, TA in her work. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential Counselling and Therapy, including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

The post Lonely in a relationship. What can you do to make it better? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Kindness – the missing key ingredient in relationships today

When people get married they start with a vow to love and cherish each other. But overtime they start wondering where the love has gone and the cherishing has been replaced by complaints, faults and resentment.

In my work as a couple’s therapist, one of the common reasons for this that one key ingredient in their relationship is missing.  And that ingredient is kindness.

Many a times we are so kind, polite and nice to even strangers.  We are kind to our colleagues, to our friends, our neighbours. We adjust and strive to stay in the good books of our managers, don’t we?

But very often couples find it difficult to be kind to each other, despite being able to be kind, polite and nice to many others in their life, be it friends colleague, relatives etc.  The Question that does arise is, sometimes, why do the partners reserve most of their criticism, harshness, rudeness, even be nastiness to each other? Why can’t they be kind to each other?

Here are seven barriers to kindness in relationships today.

1. I am better than you.

There are times in our lives where a healthy competition can be a positive motivator for us to do better.  But when the competitiveness between the couple leads them to often show each other that I am better than you then it damages the relationship.  Fierce competitiveness, by its nature doesn’t allow kindness, understanding and empathy in a relationship.

2. I am right you are wrong.

When a couple come for relationship counselling, as a couple therapist I explain to them the concept of neutrality – i.e. I will not take sides between the two of them. I also explain to them that we will not get into to a discussion of who is right and who is wrong. 

It comes as such a surprise to so many couples, because in their day-to-day lives, most of their conflicts arise from their thought process that “I am right and you are wrong”.  This stance makes them indignant and feel righteous does not allow the partners to show kindness to each other.  I usually tell them sometimes it is possible that may be both of you are right in certain ways and maybe both of you are wrong in certain ways.

3. Power struggle.

During the initial courtship period, the partners try to address each other’s needs, cater to each other expectations, agree on most things, even go beyond trying to please each other and impress each other. But this is not sustainable in the long run. There will be differences in each other’s point of view, values, opinion, beliefs etc. When a disagreement arises each one tries to establish their point of view over the other’s perspective. Each one tries to establish their power over the other in relationships.

4. Taking each other for granted.

Over a period of time if the couple take each other for granted, they are not motivated to put in the effort to be kind and compassionate to each other.  It is a common refrain “Of course I love my partner. Shouldn’t my partner know that by now? Why should I keep showing it again and again?”. This takes away the possibility of being kind in our relationships.

Here they expect their partner to mind read and understand their love without expressing it in any manner. Laziness is also another reason why the effort to be kind to each other dwindles overtime.

5.  Fear of rejection.

Though one Partner might be inclined to be kind, the fear that their offer of kindness might be rejected by the other partner, might stop one from being kind. A past painful experience of rejection may also stop the partner from expressing kindness.

6. One’s needs are more important than the other’s.

When one partner considers their needs to be more important than the other partner’s needs, there is little or no focus on the other person. A sense of entitlement makes the relationship pretty skewed.  The partner feeling entitled is not able to offer kindness to the other, and kindness offered by the other partner is not valued. And over time the other partner also stops being kind.

7. I am hurt and I will hurt you back.

In couple relationships conflicts are given.  And when there are conflicts either or both of them might get hurt.  When the partners act in a vengeful manner that I am hurt and I will hurt you back, that will be no kindness in these interactions.

Your partner chose you among all the other options and choices that they had.  Learning to treasure and cherish your relationship is one of the key steps in having a healthy relationship. A loving and kind relationship is a wonderful safe space for you to be yourself, to grow, to love – be loved, to heal, to go through the ups and downs of life along with your partner.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential – face to face Counselling in Bangalore including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling in Bangalore and Online Counselling over video calls for others residing outside Bangalore and abroad.

Reach us at +919632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in. If in Bangalore, you can meet the counselor in person – face to face. If you are in a different location you can ask for online counselling over video calls.

The post Why is it difficult to offer kindness in our relationships? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Are you having more and more conflicts with your spouse? Are your conflicts escalating, even when you are trying to resolve the same?

Sharad and Sonia started their marriage on a wonderful note. Beautiful wedding, exciting, romantic and interesting places for their honeymoon.  They settled down in a beautiful new apartment in the heart of the city.  Life seemed wonderful for the both of them.

Within six months into the marriage, small disagreements and conflicts started creeping in.  As time went by, even the smallest of the conflicts started getting escalated. Argument would start about something but end at a completely different level fighting about completely different things.  And nothing would get resolved between the two of them.  They started fearing that any conversation might lead to a conflict and they started communicating less and less with each other, leading to more distancing, reduced intimacy and reduced expression of love and affection.

If you relate to this fictionalized couple, as a relationship therapist, let me tell you, it is possible to diffuse such escalating conflicts in 3 simple steps.

1. Manage your emotions

Be aware of your emotions, and manage your emotions. And when your emotions become unmanageable, take a “Time Out” to calm yourself down, and come back to continue the discussion when both of you are in a fairly calm state of mind. It is important to set a time, to resume the discussion, otherwise the issue remains unresolved.  When one partner asks for a “Time Out” the other partner should oblige and get them both the time needed to calm down.

2. Stick to the current issue at hand

Most of the time issues get escalated because one of you or the both of you would bring in other issues either from the present or from the past to bolster your case or to prove that you are right.  Unresolved issues from the past get brought up in the present, to gain an upper hand in the fight. You might also end up bringing in to the argument, issues related to the family and friends of the other.

3. Maintain respect

No matter what the topic of the disagreement or conflict is about, make sure whatever you say and however you say, is respectful to your partner. Make sure your voice, your tone, your body language, your gestures and the words that you choose to use remain respectful. If you are emotions are out of control and you are agitated and unable to maintain your composure, go back to step 1 and take a time out.

If you both can follow these three steps, no matter how major a conflict that you have, it will be possible for you de-escalate the same and to address it in a healthy manner with your partner, and possibly bring it to a resolution. And in some cases possibly agree to disagree as well in a healthy manner.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling.  She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.

The post Are your relationship conflicts escalating-defuse in three steps first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

When a couple come for counselling, they may come with a current crisis to be addressed or they might have many piled up and unresolved issues that have occurred over a period of time throughout their relationship.  Of course you can’t go back in to the past and change what has happened.  So, how to deal with the unresolved issues and emotions from the past?

When a couple enter into therapy, and if their goal is to make the relationship better, they aim to learn new and healthy patterns of thinking and behavior towards each other and the relationship.

When issues from the past remain unresolved and keep coming up for the couple, they are encouraged to discuss their relationship history, the key events, incidences and milestones in their relationship.  The couple get an opportunity to discuss their relationship history in the therapy setting.  There are many reasons why the relationship history is discussed.

1. Remember and review both positive and negative aspects

The couple is encouraged to review both positive as well as negative experiences in their relationship in a safe environment where the therapist facilitates the process and moderates any severe reaction from either of them.   This makes them appreciate the strengths as well in the relationship.

2. Discuss the unresolved issues in a emotionally calm state

They get a chance to discuss the unresolved issues in the relationship in a calm manner, which typically comes up during conflicts, when they are already emotionally agitated.  The therapeutic process helps them to listen to their partner’s version about the unresolved issues, regarding which there could be unresolved emotions pent up in each other.  

3. Chance to acknowledge and learn to empathise

Even if the issue cannot be fixed now because it happened in the past, it gives a chance for the couple to at least acknowledge their partner’s emotions, and empathize with their partner.  When true, genuine acknowledgement and empathy is offered, when there is a true understanding of what their partner underwent in that situation, it becomes possible for the other partner to let go of the hurt or the other negative emotions associated with that event. A true and genuine apology becomes possible, if applicable.

4. Clarify misunderstandings if any

This also gives them a chance to clarify any misunderstandings that might have been long standing between them.  When there are critical misunderstandings they can snowball into a whole set of assumptions, generalizations, predefined conclusions and judgments about each other.

5. Learn from the past

Talking about history also give them a chance to learn from their past behavior or approaches and leads them to learn new ways of behavior and thought process as appropriate.

In therapy, many couples get to find that they are stuck in repetitive negative interaction patterns whenever they have a conflict or a disagreement, which would escalate, creating even more negativity between them. These patterns are identified and the couple can be enabled to break the negative interaction patterns and replace them with more adaptive and positive interactions.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling.  She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.

The post Can unresolved issues and resentments be addressed in couple therapy? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

As a counsellor and a therapist I usually tell my clients that there are no good or bad emotions. All emotions have survival value to us. Every emotion has a meaning, purpose, value and has a significant influence on us as well as our surroundings.  Yes, some emotions make us feel good and some might be painful and uncomfortable for sure.  This applies to any kind of emotion including happiness, sadness, anger, frustration, shame, jealousy and so on.

Talking about anger specifically, it definitely has significant survival value. Anger could be your primary emotion and it can also be an emotion triggered by other underlying emotions which could be sadness, shame, helplessness and so on depending on the situation.

Typically in any significant conflict/argument with your partner, anger would be a significant component there. When there is excessive anger, and you are in agitated state, it becomes practically not possible to express yourself in effective manner, at the same time you are also unable to listen to what are the person has to say in effective manner. Which means the conflict doesn’t get resolved and can possibly escalate.

Just the way fire in low manageable quantity keeps you warm and cooks your food, and fire when it becomes unmanageable, uncontrollable, could destroy life, and property.   And if there is no fire at all, then you are going to feel very cold and have raw food. (in a traditional sense)

How anger gets expressed is also very important from a relationship as well as communication point of view.  If anger is used as a mechanism of intimidation, power and control then definitely this is abuse.

Anger when expressed in aggressive way could border on abuse.  You might use hurtful and harsh words, make you yell and scream at the other, say nasty things which you might not truly mean. But even if you don’t mean it in a real sense, once expressed, the damage is already done.

Anger can also be expressed in a very passive aggressive manner.  You might withdraw and give them a silent treatment, sarcasm, insults, ignoring the problem, denying the problem, withholding of love and affection, becoming indifferent etc.  This also can be damaging to your relationship.

How to deal with anger in times of conflicts and difficult conversations?  How do we express it in a healthy manner without suppressing it? How to do this, in a way that will add to the relationship rather than take away from it?

1. Be aware of your anger

Awareness is the first step of any significant change or shift or transformation that you seek in yourself. Be aware that you are angry about something and be aware of the intensity of the same. Be aware of the underlying emotion which is causing this anger if any.  Label the emotion.  Just the act of being aware of the emotion, being able to observe yourself experiencing these emotions and labeling the emotions itself can bring down the intensity of the emotions that you are experiencing.

2. Take time out to calm yourself down

When you are in this agitated state of mind neither your communication nor your listening is going to be effective. Which means a conflict is not going to be resolved in a healthy manner.  So take some time out for yourself and engage in any activity that would enable you to calm yourself down.  This could be taking a short walk, having a glass of water, some deep breathing, yoga, meditation, write a journal, talk to someone (a safe, trustworthy, non judging person) whatever works for you.

3. Come back to the conversation and continue in a respectful manner

Anger shows up in not just your words, but also your voice, your tone and your body language. Ensure that you are in a state of mind, where even if there is anger, it is at a manageable level where you can continue the conversation in a respectful manner.

4. Express your anger in a healthy manner

Yes you are angry about something that happened or something that was said or done or not done and that and needs to be expressed in the adaptive or healthy manner to the other person.  You can say that “I am really angry about” – something that you did or didn’t do etc.  Try to express the underlying emotion that had brought up this anger to the fore, for eg – “I felt very disappointed, that despite me telling you this multiple times you continue to do the same thing” or “I felt left out and neglected in the party when you didn’t pay attention to me for a significant part of the evening”

5. Express yourself without a blaming stance, with care and empathy

You need to learn to ask for what you want, what you need from your partner, assertively without taking a blaming stance.  Even when you have been hurt and angry, and your expressing it, it’s important to do that with care and empathy for your partner.  Inquire about what was happening to them and why they behaved that way with you.  Ensure that, that doesn’t become a justification for the behavior, but that you also get the empathy that you deserve and need to receive from your partner. Remember, you are expressing your feelings and what really caused these feelings in the first place so that you can make your relationship better and not worse by blaming each other.

6. Holding on to the residual anger

Even when the issue is reasonably resolved, holding on to the residual anger damages you and your relationship.  Despite agreeing to a solution, if you hold on to the resentment and anger – that can be used against your partner in a future conflict, then you are walking down a slippery slope.  Talk it out, sort it out, apologize for any hurt caused.  Learn from it, let it go.

Emotions are significant indicators as to what is important and what is not so important to us.  Emotions have immense value, especially in relationships, in today’s context.  It is up to us to learn to regulate and manage our emotions, about expressing ourselves in a healthy and adaptive manner, that it enriches our relationships.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling.  She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.

The post Is Anger damaging your relationship? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

1. Respect
2. Responsibility
3. Restraint

DOs

If it is a issue to be discussed, fix a time that is convenient to the both of you and start the discussion on a calm and composed tone of voice. If there are children or parents in the house, find a private place to have the discussion. Ensure that the both of you are in a calm composed state of mind before you start the discussion.

Instead of blaming the other person, focus on your feelings and express them. “I felt disappointed when”

Keep the focus: Discuss regarding the problem in focus. Do not bring up new issues or bring in old issues from the past either. Watch out for statements like – “you always do ….”; “You have never done ….”

Each of you can have different viewpoints and can be right in your own view points. Try to see things from the other person’s perspective and understand their feelings. Try to find even a bit of truth in the other persons statements. Acknowledge their feelings. You may disagree with your spouse, but still you can empathize with how he/she fees.

Always be aware that you are looking for a solution to the issue at hand. Target a resolution that would make you both happy about it. This is a win-win resolution.

DONTs

Do not make it an attack on the person or devalue the person. No name calling or hurtful comments.

Do not allow the issue at hand to escalate. If either of you is not able to manage your emotions like heightened anger, frustration etc, take a Time out. You agree to stop the discussion for now, if needed physically move away and most importantly agree on when to resume the discussion. In the meanwhile calm yourself down, do some relaxing activities like taking a walk or doing some deep breathing etc. Come back calmed down and continue the discussion.

Once the issue has been resolved, sincerely apologize for hurtful things said if any that you didn’t really mean it. Even things said in anger can linger in the other persons mind for a long time. Ensure the next time you put additional effort to keep your emotions in check and not say hurtful things even in anger.

Remember, prolonged silence and avoidance can be as painful as strong hurtful words.

If you would like to meet with a professional counsellor to work on your relationship challenges, call us at +91 96321 46316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

We provide professional and confidential counselling services at different locations in Bangalore – Jayanagar, Koramangala, Cox Town, Marathahalli, Mahadevpura.

The post Relationship Problems – Handling Conflicts first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.