In my experience of working with couples in conflict, these are the 5 things that stand out which typically escalate things further and damage the relationship even further than the conflict that is currently going on. 5 things to never do in a conflict with your partner.

1. Do not use your partner’s vulnerabilities to attack them

If you are a couple, if you are in an intimate relationship, I am sure there would be times when you would have been vulnerable, shared certain vulnerable things, or fears or secrets with each other.  You would know each other so well, that you will know each other’s weaknesses or vulnerabilities.

You never use this information to attack or belittle each other to gain an upper hand in the current conflict.

When your partner has shared something vulnerable with you, they did that because they trust you to keep that information as well as themselves safe with you. When you use this information against them to attack them, to disparage them in a conflict, no matter what the provocation is, you damage the trust in the relationship. So, no matter what points you want to score to gain the upper hand in the conflict, you need to keep your partner’s vulnerabilities out of the equation.

2. Do not fight or express your disagreement or displeasure about your partner in front of others.

As much as possible have your conflicts and disagreements in private. If you are in a public place and if you are having a disagreement, park it for the moment and you can resume, once your back in your private space. This is applicable even in front of your own family and friends. Yelling or putting your partner down, expressing your displeasure in front of family and friends makes the damage manifold.

Pause. Park it.  Take it up with your partner when you are both in private.

Some couples may playfully pull others legs in front of others. There is a thin line between making fun but both having a good time and one of you feeling disrespected and insulted in front of others. It doesn’t matter what you intended, if the damage is felt by the other.

3. Talking about your conflicts to your family and friends and asking them to take sides

Your family and your friends would typically take your side in any conflict. Expecting an impartial hearing would not be possible given that there is already an alignment. When you complain about your partner repeatedly to your family or your friends, they are also forming an opinion about your partner and later on even after you have sorted your issue or patched up with each other they will continue to hold onto that opinion and judge your partner.

This is where talking to the therapist would be advantageous because, you get a chance to air your grievances about your partner, in the presence of your partner and therapist. With the Assurance that therapist would take a neutral stance between the two of you and will be unbiased in the couple therapy process.

4. Disrespect can also show up as violence, threat to violence, abusive language, name calling, sarcasm, shouting, yelling etc

Respect is one of the four pillars of any relationship, especially a couple relationship. When there is any violence or abuse, there is no respect and the damage can be devastating to the relationship.

If you think or sense that the situation is escalating that you may become physically violent or verbally abusive, stop talking, remove yourself from the scene. Don’t just walk away or slam the door. Tell your partner that you are agitated and you would like some time to calm yourself down. Take a timeout. Do whatever it takes to calm yourself down – have a glass of water or take a walk or listen to some music. Whatever works for you. Having said that when one partner wants to take a timeout, it is important that the partner also agrees, rather than escalating or insisting on talking about it right now.

And resume the conversation only after both of you have calmed down.

5. Do not insult or put down or talk in a disrespectful manner about each other’s families.

Your partner has a family of origin, with whom they have spent so many years, where they were brought up. No matter how their family is, saying nasty things about your partner’s family or parents or siblings during a conflict or otherwise, would only undermine the foundations of your own relationship.

If you have a problem with any specific family member of your partner, bring it up to your partner in a respectful way. Make it clear that you don’t mean any disrespect but just that that person or their behaviour is causing you some kind of a discomfort. Express and ask for support from your partner in a way that you want to feel comfortable and safe, at the same time keeping your partner also comfortable.

Having said that when your partner is taking the courage to express this, offer them support rather than becoming defensive about your family.

When you are in a relationship, you would need to deal with your partners family of origin. When you are able to do it together, then harmony can prevail and your relationship can flourish.

So in summary, here are the 5 things that you need to definitely avoid in any conflict with your partner.

1. Do not use their vulnerabilities and what they shared with you in a vulnerable space against them to attack them or belittle them.
2. If there is any conflict or disagreement between the two of you don’t do it in front of others, look for a private space where you can have that disagreement.
3. Involving friends and families, sharing your conflict with them and asking them to take sides would only aggravate the issue.
4. Disrespect – There are many forms in which disrespect shows up. It could show up as violence, threat of violence, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, name calling so on and so forth.
5. Ensure that you don’t disrespect or put down each others family of origin or friends.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

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