When you are in a relationship, you can expect that there will be some changes in both of your activities and behaviours that would be required to build up a healthy relationship.  Certain things that were OK to do before getting into a relationship might need to change based upon your partner’s preferences.  What is OK to do and NOT OK to do, would change depending upon you and your partner’s comfort levels and acceptance. This doesn’t mean you lose your freedom. This means that while taking care of your needs you also need to take into account your partner’s needs too.  If you are doing certain things which are unacceptable to your partner you may want to take your partner’s opinion into consideration and have a conversation around it. These are what are called boundaries of a relationship. 

Through boundaries are needed for any type of relationship, here I am referring to couple relationship – any kind of a committed relationship, which could be a marriage, or a live-in relationship or a dating relationship

Boundaries also would apply to what you share with or how much you interact with someone else or how involved is someone else in your personal life and decisions as well. It would also apply to how much you are involved in someone else’s life. If these make you or your partner uncomfortable, it is time to revisit and realign these boundaries.

I see a lot of couples that I work with have this issue, where one partner feels that they are having a close friendship with someone else and the other partner feels that it’s an affair. The partner who is in this friendship, feels that there is nothing wrong when the relationship is just a friendship but other partner feels uncomfortable with that.

Some Important questions – Aren’t friendships outside marriage important? Can’t we get emotional support from our friends and family?  What if there is no attraction or any sexual undertones? Where do we draw the line?  May be ill make a separate video focusing on these questions.

First of all, let me state it upfront – it is important and healthy to have a good support circle for oneself which could be friends, siblings, family, relatives etc.  These connections are necessary for a healthy life – feeling secure, happy and accepted.  Having said that, it is important for both the partners to agree upon, what is acceptable and what is not with respect to the boundaries of the relationship.

These are – what are I would call as boundary issues or boundary violations in a relationship.  Lets go a bit deeper on this topic.

1. Boundaries keep your relationship safe

Boundaries are needed to keep your relationship safe and not intended to curtail you or distance you away from others.

When you are in a relationship, you need to, not just think of yourself but also about your partner as well. When you get into a relationship or a marriage without this understanding, you might feel suffocated and might feel that your freedom has been restricted.  To be ready, prepared and to have a good relationship/marriage also means, to be willing to take into account your partner’s preferences, choices, comfort and acceptance.

2. Boundaries help to Gain and maintain trust in your relationship

Setting up clear boundaries for your relationship and adhering to them are one way of gaining and maintaining your partner’s trust. You respect each other when you respect each other’s boundaries and the boundaries of the relationship. It builds greater intimacy between the couple and encourages more open communication and bonding.

When you are doing something by yourself, especially in your partner’s absence, or involvement, it is all the more important for you to consider, if that would make your partner feel comfortable or would it not be OK with them.

3. Discuss and decide what your boundaries are – Together

What is ok or not ok in a relationship is to be decided by the partners together.  There will be a need for negotiation and it is best to arrive at a common understanding of the same.

Sadly most couples do not have this conversation or hesitate to have this important but not so easy conversation.  They prefer to assume things and only when things go wrong, or they let it get piled up over time, and when it bursts out like a volcano – then they see the damage to the relationship.

So in summary

• Boundaries are defined for the couple, by the couple together.  
• Both partners need to own these boundaries and that would help maintain the intimacy, trust and sanctity of the couple relationship. 
• The specifics of these boundaries would vary for different couples based on what they both are OK or not OK with.
• It would involve open discussion and negotiation between the couple, to arrive at a common understanding of the boundaries for the relationship.
• Boundaries could be applicable for any kind of behaviour, activity, interaction, information sharing that happens with anyone else outside the couple relationship, be it with parents, siblings, friends, colleagues, including ex-partners and other past relationships. 

Boundaries don’t cage you, but keeps your relationship safe. It helps maintain the intimacy, trust and sanctity of the couple relationship. 

In couple therapy, I help couples understand each other’s ideas and understanding of boundaries and facilitate the negotiation process to arrive at a common agreement on this critical and protective aspect of the relationship. If you are facing problems in your relationship, Couple therapy / Couple counselling / marriage counselling / relationship counselling can help you.

So, do you think you and your partner have common understanding of your relation ship boundaries?   What in your opinion are the key areas where a safe boundary needs to be established. Do share your thoughts as comments.  

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

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