Day in and day out when I look at the news, every second or third item is about some harassment, molestation, rape or murder of a woman or the girl child. A good question for us to ponder is – Do we as a society understand – Consent and Respect of the other?

What is even more shocking are these recent reports of young children, adolescents, minors engaging in molestation, sexual assault or even rape against even younger children.

In a recent incident in Bangalore, a 10 year old boy allegedly groped a woman in a residential locality, which was captured on video. The women raised an alarm and confronted the boy. The woman said that people believed her only when she showed them the video.

Where do children learn these inappropriate behaviours?

Where do children learn these inappropriate behaviours? How do they get to believe that they can act like this and will not face any consequences? If a child thinks that touching another person inappropriately / forcefully / with out their consent – is okay, what can they do next, unless they get to learn that this NOT OK. Who is responsible to teaching the child that such behaviour is UNACCEPTABLE, WRONG and PROHIBITED.

It is important to understand that people who commit major crimes, do not start with that. They may have started with petty crimes and graduate to more heinous ones.

On other hand smart phones and internet are in the hands of every child. Unrestricted and unsupervised access to internet – leads them to view pornography. Horrendous videos of molestation and rape are available openly on the internet. Children access them and attempt to imitate them in real life, with no understanding or fear of what is NOT OK about it.

Objectification of women is so rampant and is celebrated in Media – be it movies, music videos, lyrics and social media. Recent success and popularity of movies where women are getting beaten or subjugated, shows a mirror to the societal reality.

Are we condemning such behaviour or condoning ?

Every single person that justifies this action or online comments that defend / trivialize such incidents are condoning – encouraging this behaviour. On the other side the societal expectation is that the person molested / assaulted / harassed would not speak up and if they do, there are enough people around to shame them in real life and online.

Are we teaching our children our wards Consent and Respect ?

How do we as a society contribute to this degradation, and how can we learn to be responsible enough to ensure that everyone, especially children learn to respect boundaries (their own and others’), understand consent, understand what is appropriate and what is inappropriate?

We all, as parents, families, social groups – neighbours, teachers, society as a whole are responsible to teach appropriate behaviours and censure inappropriate behaviours. That it wont happen to my child or my child will not act inappropriately, needs to be a belief – that is rooted in reality – based on what we imbibe in our children.

Inner Dawn Counsellor Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured in Deccan Herald on 20-Nov-24

https://www.deccanherald.com/india/karnataka/bengaluru/new-concern-sex-crimes-by-kids-3283493

The post Consent and respect – What you need to teach your child first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Is your parenting driven by guilt? Am I a good parent? A Question that I am sure a majority of parents are very familiar with, and a question that they struggle with. In my practice as a psychotherapist/family therapist, it is very common to see parents engage in actions or decisions that are primary driven by this question and the guilt that they feel.

1. Over indulging

Parents tend to over indulge the child or provide more than what the child needs.  Many working parents fall into this trap, to deal with their guilt of not having more time with the child. Another scenario would be the need to provide the child with everything that you didn’t get in your childhood, without an understanding of whether it is necessary or not.

Yes, it is important to prioritize parenting responsibilities. Having said that, quality time is far better than quantity time.

2. Tolerating or ignoring disrespect

I see so many parents wanting to bring their child and adolescent for counselling with the complaint that the child is speaking or behaving disrespectfully. If there is disrespect modeled in the family, the child may learn from it or from other interactions or on media.  When the child speaks or behaves dis-respectfully it is important to immediately address it effectively.  

As a Parent if you ignore it or minimize the impact of it you are indirectly giving the child permission to continue to behave so. Tolerating disrespect is not love.  Teaching the child to behave respectfully is love.

3. Discounting your own needs

It is not uncommon to see parents behave as though they don’t have any needs at all and only the child’s needs are important and given priority. For eg, This could be as simple as a piece of chocolate being shared among family members, the child finishes its own portion and then demands the parent to give away their portion too.

It is an important learning for the child to know that parents also have their own needs and preferences. And that every ones needs are important. Ensure that you take actions so that your needs are also met reasonably.

4. Fear of what will happen

Parents become scared when their child / adolescent starts threatening or even blackmailing them. And the more they give in, the child will engage in the same behavior more and more. Parents sometimes are petrified as to what to do, if the child puts the threats into action.

5. Giving into unreasonable demands

It is important to distinguish if what child is asking for is reasonable or unreasonable. And if unreasonable, it is important that all parental figures stay consistent and not giving into these demands.  Yes, your child/children are the apple of your eye.  But these can lead your child to grow with a sense of entitlement.

What can you do improve the situation?

There might be times in which inadvertently you might have said or done something that might have affected your child.  Rather than stay with the guilt and indirectly engage in behaviors like these, it’s a better approach to take responsibility and to make amends directly with your child.

The post 5 ways that your parenting approach may be driven by guilt first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Bringing up a child in a safe and healthy manner is no easy task, especially in today’s world. We hear more and more about child trafficking, sexual abuse, exploitation of children etc almost everyday.

Stringent laws, active policing, faster legal process etc can definitely help. But more than that awareness, being prepared, being safe, teaching children to be safe etc will help in prevention rather than remediation.

It’s important not to scare the children or restrict the children with too  many rules, but to explain to them what is safe for them and what is not and how to deal with ambiguous situations in a safe manner.

It is for parents to teach the children, not just in words, but act/behave in a manner so that the child trusts the parents and feel free and safe to share anything that happens in their life, both good as well as bad. The child needs to know that my parents wont blame me no matter what I tell them.  When the child shares something and Parents start blaming each other or start fighting – also doesn’t help and might make the child shut down further.

Setting up code words with your child, that needs to be asked for by the child when dealing with strangers or other adults, can be the difference between danger and safety for the child. This is one way with which some of the unsafe situations involving strangers or other adults can be dealt with effectively.

Inner Dawn counselor Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured in today’s Deccan Herald 21-May-18.

The post Code Words can enhance child safety – Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured on Deccan Herald first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.