In my last video about the importance of Boundaries in Couple Relationship I had asked a few question and I had left them open. As promised here is the video addressing them. 

I had talked about a scenario where one partner feels that they are having a close friendship with someone else and the other partner feels that it’s an affair. The partner who is in this friendship, feels that there is nothing wrong when the relationship is just a friendship but other partner feels uncomfortable with that.

Some Important questions – Aren’t friendships outside marriage important? Can’t we get emotional support from our friends and family?  What if there is no attraction or any sexual undertones? Where do we draw the line?  Let me try to address these questions in this video.

Spoiler alert – There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. What is important is that both partners in the relationship have a common set of answers and understanding between them.

Let me start with a metaphor.

We all live in houses. Why do we stay in a house / apartment? To be safe physically and to protect ourselves, that’s why the house has walls. But a house also has a certain number of Windows to allow for sunlight and air to come in and also doors to allow us and other people to come in or go out. But remember the doors also have locks and windows also have latches. So that we can choose for whom we want to open the doors to, and when we want keep the windows open or closed.

Boundaries to your relationship are like that. They do not intend to cut off other people but to allow them to enter into your space when you both want them to and keep yourself safe and secure when you both do not want them to come in.

It is good to have a healthy circle of friends, siblings, family, relatives etc.  Having said that, it is important for both the partners to agree upon, what is acceptable and what is not for your relationship. Cutting off from everyone else is definitely not advisable.

Lets us look at some examples-   These are not real client names.       

Sharing your relationship issues with other friends family, etc

Lets say you are having disagreements and conflicts with your partner, which is common in a long term relationship. But when you choose to share it with your friend, colleague, family member etc, they are also forming a negative opinion about your partner. And your partner might be uncomfortable for you to share this information with others.  Tomorrow you both might patch up, but the person with whom you shared this information may continue to hold that negative image about your partner.  Do you agree?

Spending or wanting to spend more time with the other person      

Let us look at another scenario- These are not real client names.  

Rakesh and Rupa have been married for10 years. Their life had become a bit monotonous.  Rakesh made a new friend at his workplace.  He found that she was very intelligent and interesting, He starts sharing about his challenges and get emotional support. The more he spent time with her he found more common ground. He was excited to go to work so that he could meet her. She became his go to person to go talk about anything that he felt like. When he would go home, he had nothing to share with Rupa or talk about. Do you think this will create problems in their relationship or aggravate existing issues between them?

Let me list down some scenarios that can create problems in a relationship. Prevention is better than cure.

• This friendship/relationship becomes more important than the relationship with partner/spouse.
• This relationship is more interesting, to share about challenges, about significant events
• Discussing and taking decisions with this person rather than with the partner.
• Looking forward to spending more and more time with this person, online, in person, on calls etc.
• Prefer provide and get emotional support with this with the other person more than with partner.
• Hiding things from partner, Lying to partner – fully/partially/white lies etc.
• Becoming physically or emotionally close with this other person, which the partner is not aware of, or not aware of the extent to, or has a discomfort or objection to it.
• Becoming a significant emotional support provider to this other person, that the partner is uncomfortable with.
• Effort, energy and enthusiasm increases towards this person and it affects the effort, energy and enthusiasm towards partner

The other relationship might be platonic.  But if it takes you away from your marriage or relationship, it is a cause of concern and needs to be addressed before the damage becomes severe.

If you are facing any of these challenging scenarios, Couple therapy / Couple counselling / marriage counselling / relationship counselling could help the both of you set healthy boundaries for your relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post How do Boundaries Keep your Relationship safe? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Love is not just a word or feeling. Love in action, needs to be seen, felt and received by your partner.

In the last 10 years that I have been practicing as a couple therapist, this is one of the most common but significant challenge that I have seen that couples face. Many couples love and care for each other but are not able to feel that love from each other. And that leads to insecurity, resentment, withdrawal, escalating conflicts and criticism and they start doubting that their love is lost.

It is important to show love in the way that your partner can receive it and feel loved by you. If you believe that you love the other person, if you feel love for the other person within yourself, it is good but it is not enough. In a relationship it is important for you to convey that love to the other person and for the other person to receive it and feel loved the way they want themselves to be loved.

In this article, I draw heavily from “The five love languages” by Gary Chapman and also add on my own experience of working with couples.

Assuming that the both of you in the relationship trust and respect each other, I will go ahead and talk about 10 ways that you can show your love to your partner.  These could be applicable for couples in a relationship, married partners, live in partners and any kind of couple.

“Showing love is doing what your partner prefers and likes rather than doing what is the most convenient for you or what you prefer“

1. Appreciate and acknowledge your partner.

It is important to acknowledge the things that you do for each other and appreciate each other. This could be encouraging words, offering a thank you or gratitude, appreciation for their effort or accomplishments, complimenting their appearance or trait, validation and so on. It is important for your partner to know that you really value them and appreciate them for what they do and more importantly who they are.

2. Share responsibilities or workload

Your partner might want you to share certain responsibilities and take up some of their workload. Taking up some work and doing a shoddy job wont do. It is important for you to ask your partner what they would like and prefer from you, how they would want you to show your love to them, what kind of support they need from you.

3. Spending quality time with each other.

Your partner might want you to spend time together. Ask how they would like to spend this time together.  Do they want to have more conversations, talk about each other, do an activity together, travel, spend time in nature etc., or a mix of all that? If your partner wants to have deep conversations, watching Netflix together may not do.

4. Physical touch can convey love.

Physical touch and intimacy, is not just sexual intimacy. There is a lot that can be conveyed through a gentle touch. Kindness, compassion, warmth, presence, partnership, support, love, care, concern, affection etc., can all be conveyed through a gentle touch if your partner prefers that. Physical touch can be holding hands, sitting close to each other, holding, hugging, kisses, a neck rub or shoulder rub, a massage etc. Physical touch may or may not lead to sexual intimacy but the intent here is to express and show love to your partner.

5. Offer a safe haven and support to your partner.

Provide a place of safety in the relationship for your partner to express, share and open themselves up to you without fear of being judged or criticized. Offer them the confidence that what they share with you will stay with you and will not be used against them either now or in the future. You are there to support each other, have each other’s back and pull each other up in tough times.

6. Offer empathy and validation.

When there is no judgement or criticism, it becomes possible to offer validation and empathy to your partner. It does not mean that you have to agree with everything that your partner says or does. It is possible to empathise with your partner’s emotional experience even if you disagree with the content of what happened. Empathy is an extremely crucial component to develop bonding in a relationship. It is also a core component of effective communication.

7. Stay involved in each other.

Know your partner’s aspirations and dreams. Stay involved, support, take part in your partners dreams, and see them come true. Relish in your partner’s success. Ask, understand their challenges, problems and offer to support, in the way that they prefer. After all you both are partners for both good times and difficult times.

8. Ask for feedback from your partner.

Make time regularly to talk about your relationship. Ask for feedback from your partner whether they feel loved, valued, cherished in the relationship. Ask about things that you do or don’t that really annoy them and make an effort to address the same reasonably. Make time to air your grievances in a non-critical way. The intent of talking about the relationship is to convey that it is important for you and that you are willing to take the feedback as a way to be better.

9. Account for your partner’s friends and family.

Though we are talking about showing love to your partner, it is also important to acknowledge, respect and accept friends and family of your partner. Their family has been there with them all through their life, and friends come in to life by choice. Mutual respect for each other’s friends and family is important, when you want to show love to each other.

10. Love your own self.

Loving yourself does not mean you are being selfish. If you truly don’t love yourself, it is difficult to truly love the other. That could mean having some time for yourself, doing the things that you really like to do, paying attention to your needs, spending time for self-care and nourishment etc. When you lose yourself in a relationship, eventually resentment builds within. The key is to do this at a reasonable level that works out for the both of you.

Read more about the three types of intimacy in Couples here.

Couple therapy could be a choice for couples who want to enhance their love and emotional connection with each other. This may involve learning to deal with conflicts in a healthy way, resolving past hurt and problems, and learning to give and receive love in a way that both partners feel loved and valued in the relationship.

What are your thoughts about showing love to your partner? Do share in comments.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling / Relationship counselling.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

REFERENCES:
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Gary Chapman

The post 10 ways to show love in action to your partner first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Even couples with a significantly turbulent marriage can gain from Marriage counselling / Marital therapy, provided they are willing to invest themselves in the process and put in the effort towards their goals.  I usually tell my couple clients, as a therapist I facilitate and enable the process, but the effort needs to come from them.

Vicky and Meera (fictional case) came for couple counseling after they had filed for a divorce by mutual consent. They were married for 5 years, both had good successful careers, were doing very well financially, and they had gotten married after a year of courtship.

Both of them reported that they couldn’t communicate with each other anymore. Almost every conversation would result in a disagreement, escalate and would become a conflict.  Every conflict was intense, and it would go on to shouting and screaming at each other, and then prolonged silence for weeks and months sometimes, and underlying issues remained unresolved since years. They couldn’t come to an agreement on anything and also postponed having a child, with things being so unstable between the two of them. Love that they felt earlier for each other had now turned into loathing and indifference.

Though they had filed for divorce, they came for counselling to see whether a last ditch effort could possibly save their marriage.

As their therapist, the first important thing that I wanted them do, is to have a clear understanding of was what is that they were trying to save over here?  What is the definition of marriage for each of them? Is it just not getting divorced? Is it just holding onto the legal and societal status of being married?

I usually tell my couple clients who come for counselling, yes marriage is a commitment but it has four components.

1. Legal component– when two people are married they undergo certain rituals or sign a piece of  legal paper, which makes them legally married and if they want to walk away from each other they need to legally sign another piece of paper to get divorced.

2. Social component– when two people are married they present themselves as a couple. They have social obligations like living together, may have children and will need to take care of the children as parents, interact and build relationships with each other families, support each other financially, share responsibilities etc.

3. Emotional component – to be there for each other emotionally both during good times and difficult times and support each other.  This includes love, affection, care, concern, attachment etc.

4. Sexual component – to cater to each other’s reasonable sexual needs that are acceptable to both and not to look for sexual gratification outside the boundaries of the relationship as agreed.

So I asked Vicky and Meera, what is it that they want to save, when they say that they want to save their marriage.

A marriage with only the legal and social component would mean that they might possibly stay together under one roof but not really have any meaningful relationship between the two of them. 

If they are willing to work upon building a better relationship between the two of them, then all the four components can be made better. Both of them agreed to attempt at making the relationship better. They also agreed on a time frame to make an effort at it and if they still don’t feel any better, to part on amicable terms.

There were four stages that they went through in the process.

1. Focusing on one’s own contribution to the problem

Initially they kept complaining about each other, which was expected, because those were the reasons that each of them felt that this relationship was not working. I highlighted it to them that when they are so busy pointing finger at  each other in so many instances, what they forget is that the other fingers in their hands or actually pointing towards themselves. At appropriate times I would encourage them to also look at their role in creating and maintaining the problem that they had in the relationship. When they were focusing on the other person’s action or inaction, they felt powerless because they had no control over the other person. And the constant need to gain power on the other person means that they were stuck in an endless power struggle.

2. Willingness to Listen and Talk/Share

One of the main reasons why they were not able to communicate with each other was that neither of them was listening to what the other person was trying to say. The focus was to counter the other person’s argument rather than attempting to understand other person’s point of view. Listening and understanding does not mean that one needs to agree to it. It is possible to understand and empathize with the other person even if you don’t fully agree with them.  Communication had dried up between the two of them because there was scared that any topic that they talk about would eventually turn into a disagreement and a conflict.

When I encouraged them to listen to each other and understand without having to counter it with different argument, at the same time not needing to agree on it, it was a significant revelation to them. Even when they had a different opinion, they could present it after having understood the other person’s views. And they were surprised to find that many a time, they did find that there was at least something or a part which they agreed upon with the other.

3. Respect- Respect-Respect

Both of them learnt to manage their emotions better and where encouraged to take a Timeout (stop the conversation for a specified time period and calm themselves) whenever they found their emotions go out of control or overwhelm them. The behaviours of shouting and yelling etc would happen when their frustration, anger and other emotions would go out of bounds.  Though they respected each other in their minds, it was not reflecting in their behaviour.  When they were able to listen to each other they were also able to understand other behaviours that their partner found or felt to be disrespectful and acted upon it positively.

4. Show genuine affection and appreciation openly

Once they  were able to make progress on the first three steps, Vicky and the Meera were encouraged to explicitly show their appreciation of each other – be it  a trait, a characteristic, something that they did etc.  They learnt different ways of showing their love and affection to each other.

Vicky and Meera were really committed to the process and made genuine efforts towards their stated goals and saved their marriage, by making their relationship better for themselves and each other. The indifference was gone, loathing was replaced by respect and they openly communicated their feelings and opinions with each other. They took back the divorce petition and felt more connected to each other and enjoyed their renewed intimacy.

The Counsellor brings in their understanding of human psychology, relationship dynamics, psychological models, tools, methodologies etc to the process. The Counsellor does not tell the couple whether they should remain together or move apart. The counselor does not judge whether this marriage will work out or not. The client has the power to make a decision regarding their relationships.  In Vicky and Meera’s case they were able to change their initial decision to part and come together more strongly as a couple.

Read my answer on Quora on a related question –
Does marriage counselling ever help save marriages? Are couples usually happy after counselling?

https://www.quora.com/Does-marriage-counselling-ever-help-save-marriages-Are-couples-usually-happy-after-counselling/answer/Kala-Balasubramanian

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential – face to face Counselling in Bangalore including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling in Bangalore and Online Counselling over video calls for others residing outside Bangalore and abroad.

Reach us at +919632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in. If you are in Bangalore, you can meet the counselor in person – face to face. If you are in a different location you can ask for online counselling over video calls.

The post How to save your turbulent marriage first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.