In any conflict situation or other situation as well, it is possible that some action or inaction, things that you said or didn’t say, could have caused some emotional hurt, pain, anger, sadness, shame etc. to your partner.

So how do you repair the damage caused?

How would you know if your apology is adequate enough or effective enough to redress the hurt caused in your partner? Though I am using the term partner for a relationship, you can apply these concepts to any other relevant context also.

First of all, the question to ask yourself is – do you truly understand what is the extent of hurt caused with respect to your words, actions or inaction?

If your answer is, “I don’t know and it doesn’t matter”, then don’t even bother to apologize, cause your apology doesn’t mean anything. If how the other person feels doesn’t matter to you then the relationship also doesn’t really matter to you.

When the relationship is important to you, then it is important to repair the damage caused. If you value the person or the relationship then what you could do is to acknowledge and apologize. What really constitutes this apology? What makes an effective apology?

Is your apology as strong as the hurt that your actions have caused to the other person? The apology that you offer needs to be commensurate to the hurt or pain caused by your actions. Unless you truly and genuinely understand this, you may end up offering an apology with respect to your own understanding rather than the reality of the other person. This may not be adequate enough to address the issue and the hurt caused.

Let’s explore this tricky but essential aspect of relationships. Before we go into how to offer a genuine heartfelt apology , Let us quickly look at what is not an apology.

1. When you don’t really mean it.

When you just say sorry for the sake of saying it rather than actually meaning it or regretting the cause behind it or without even an understanding what happened, it is of no use. And things will not change for the better moving forward.

2. When the “but” buts in.

So, you tell your partner – “I know I came late from office on our date night, but you know how unpredictable my work is”

You are blaming the situation for your late arrival. not really focusing on how that impacted your partner.  And once the but comes in, it perhaps becomes a justification which cancels out the intended apology.

3. “Yes I raised my voice – but you also irritated me or you also hurt me earlier”.

Here you are not taking responsibility for your part in the issue. Blaming the other person is not an apology.

4.”I am sorry if my words or action hurt you.”

“If” – do you really know the impact of your words or action on your partner?

5. “Ok I told sorry right?  what else you want from me?”

I don’t have to explain that for sure. Your tone and body language communicate more than your words. There is absolutely no regret there.

6. “I am sorry that I did that. Is it such a crime? Aren’t you over reacting?”

You are defending yourself and completely invalidating your partner’s experience. Be prepared for an escalation, worsening of the situation and definitely no reparation.

7. “I’m sorry that I did but I never intended to hurt you. “

Whether you intended to hurt or not, hurt has been caused. Are you willing to take responsibility even if it was done inadvertently?

8. “I am sorry. I am such a lousy person. what can you expect out of me?”

Whether you blame the other person or blame your own self l for that matter, it is of no use because you aren’t taking responsibility. Situation will not improve.

Now that we have talked about what is not an apology, let’s look at how to offer a genuine and heartfelt apology.

1. Do you truly understand what really was the impact on your partner?

If you don’t, please talk to them and ask about it. Have a conversation with an intent to understand. They may blame you or accuse you in the moment, but be patient to understand their point of view.

You can say – “I know I did that. And I see that you are very hurt or saddened by my actions. Would you like to talk to me about it?” And listen attentively when they open up and share.

If they say that they need time, give them time, but then approach them again on the topic. Do not deny, defend or justify your actions. Then it’s not an apology and it would only worsen the situation.

2. Are you willing to take responsibility for your contribution?

There could have been many reasons that might have led to that action that you did that hurt your partner. And you might not have intended to hurt.

“I hear you. What I said that day has really hurt you.  I shouldn’t have said that. I can see how hurtful it would have been for you”

The intent is to empathize and to Validate your partner’s experience. Once they have come down emotionally, and willing to accept your apology, then you can clarify that you didn’t really intend to hurt them.

3. Is it your apology followed up by a corrective reparative action?

How are you going to make up for the hurt caused? What have you learnt from this experience? How are things going to be different and better in future?

You can say “I know I hurt you. I feel terrible about it. how can I make it up to you?”

If they are willing to receive your apology then offer how you would do things differently in the future. But don’t rush to the future. If your partner wants to talk more or discuss more about what really happened listen to them patiently with an intent to understand.

Once they have expressed whatever they want to completely, then you can talk about the future. “I promise that I will talk to you more respectfully and won’t ignore you in future. I assure you of that”.

There is no point in apologizing if you are going to do the same thing again and again. Make sure there is a change in your approach and behaviour going forward.

So in Summary – here are the 3 steps to follow to offer our heartfelt and genuine apology

1. Understand the impact of your actions on your partner. Listen to them encourage them to express themselves.
|2. Take responsibility for your contribution
3. Ensure you take a corrective reparative action and not to repeat the same thing again.

Having said that, it is important that your partner also is willing to receive your apology.

A genuine apology can mend and heal the damage to the relationship. An apology without a real change is just manipulation.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, TA etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

The post How to Apologize when You Hurt Someone you Love? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Even couples with a significantly turbulent marriage can gain from Marriage counselling / Marital therapy, provided they are willing to invest themselves in the process and put in the effort towards their goals.  I usually tell my couple clients, as a therapist I facilitate and enable the process, but the effort needs to come from them.

Vicky and Meera (fictional case) came for couple counseling after they had filed for a divorce by mutual consent. They were married for 5 years, both had good successful careers, were doing very well financially, and they had gotten married after a year of courtship.

Both of them reported that they couldn’t communicate with each other anymore. Almost every conversation would result in a disagreement, escalate and would become a conflict.  Every conflict was intense, and it would go on to shouting and screaming at each other, and then prolonged silence for weeks and months sometimes, and underlying issues remained unresolved since years. They couldn’t come to an agreement on anything and also postponed having a child, with things being so unstable between the two of them. Love that they felt earlier for each other had now turned into loathing and indifference.

Though they had filed for divorce, they came for counselling to see whether a last ditch effort could possibly save their marriage.

As their therapist, the first important thing that I wanted them do, is to have a clear understanding of was what is that they were trying to save over here?  What is the definition of marriage for each of them? Is it just not getting divorced? Is it just holding onto the legal and societal status of being married?

I usually tell my couple clients who come for counselling, yes marriage is a commitment but it has four components.

1. Legal component– when two people are married they undergo certain rituals or sign a piece of  legal paper, which makes them legally married and if they want to walk away from each other they need to legally sign another piece of paper to get divorced.

2. Social component– when two people are married they present themselves as a couple. They have social obligations like living together, may have children and will need to take care of the children as parents, interact and build relationships with each other families, support each other financially, share responsibilities etc.

3. Emotional component – to be there for each other emotionally both during good times and difficult times and support each other.  This includes love, affection, care, concern, attachment etc.

4. Sexual component – to cater to each other’s reasonable sexual needs that are acceptable to both and not to look for sexual gratification outside the boundaries of the relationship as agreed.

So I asked Vicky and Meera, what is it that they want to save, when they say that they want to save their marriage.

A marriage with only the legal and social component would mean that they might possibly stay together under one roof but not really have any meaningful relationship between the two of them. 

If they are willing to work upon building a better relationship between the two of them, then all the four components can be made better. Both of them agreed to attempt at making the relationship better. They also agreed on a time frame to make an effort at it and if they still don’t feel any better, to part on amicable terms.

There were four stages that they went through in the process.

1. Focusing on one’s own contribution to the problem

Initially they kept complaining about each other, which was expected, because those were the reasons that each of them felt that this relationship was not working. I highlighted it to them that when they are so busy pointing finger at  each other in so many instances, what they forget is that the other fingers in their hands or actually pointing towards themselves. At appropriate times I would encourage them to also look at their role in creating and maintaining the problem that they had in the relationship. When they were focusing on the other person’s action or inaction, they felt powerless because they had no control over the other person. And the constant need to gain power on the other person means that they were stuck in an endless power struggle.

2. Willingness to Listen and Talk/Share

One of the main reasons why they were not able to communicate with each other was that neither of them was listening to what the other person was trying to say. The focus was to counter the other person’s argument rather than attempting to understand other person’s point of view. Listening and understanding does not mean that one needs to agree to it. It is possible to understand and empathize with the other person even if you don’t fully agree with them.  Communication had dried up between the two of them because there was scared that any topic that they talk about would eventually turn into a disagreement and a conflict.

When I encouraged them to listen to each other and understand without having to counter it with different argument, at the same time not needing to agree on it, it was a significant revelation to them. Even when they had a different opinion, they could present it after having understood the other person’s views. And they were surprised to find that many a time, they did find that there was at least something or a part which they agreed upon with the other.

3. Respect- Respect-Respect

Both of them learnt to manage their emotions better and where encouraged to take a Timeout (stop the conversation for a specified time period and calm themselves) whenever they found their emotions go out of control or overwhelm them. The behaviours of shouting and yelling etc would happen when their frustration, anger and other emotions would go out of bounds.  Though they respected each other in their minds, it was not reflecting in their behaviour.  When they were able to listen to each other they were also able to understand other behaviours that their partner found or felt to be disrespectful and acted upon it positively.

4. Show genuine affection and appreciation openly

Once they  were able to make progress on the first three steps, Vicky and the Meera were encouraged to explicitly show their appreciation of each other – be it  a trait, a characteristic, something that they did etc.  They learnt different ways of showing their love and affection to each other.

Vicky and Meera were really committed to the process and made genuine efforts towards their stated goals and saved their marriage, by making their relationship better for themselves and each other. The indifference was gone, loathing was replaced by respect and they openly communicated their feelings and opinions with each other. They took back the divorce petition and felt more connected to each other and enjoyed their renewed intimacy.

The Counsellor brings in their understanding of human psychology, relationship dynamics, psychological models, tools, methodologies etc to the process. The Counsellor does not tell the couple whether they should remain together or move apart. The counselor does not judge whether this marriage will work out or not. The client has the power to make a decision regarding their relationships.  In Vicky and Meera’s case they were able to change their initial decision to part and come together more strongly as a couple.

Read my answer on Quora on a related question –
Does marriage counselling ever help save marriages? Are couples usually happy after counselling?

https://www.quora.com/Does-marriage-counselling-ever-help-save-marriages-Are-couples-usually-happy-after-counselling/answer/Kala-Balasubramanian

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential – face to face Counselling in Bangalore including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling in Bangalore and Online Counselling over video calls for others residing outside Bangalore and abroad.

Reach us at +919632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in. If you are in Bangalore, you can meet the counselor in person – face to face. If you are in a different location you can ask for online counselling over video calls.

The post How to save your turbulent marriage first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

When a couple come for counselling, they may come with a current crisis to be addressed or they might have many piled up and unresolved issues that have occurred over a period of time throughout their relationship.  Of course you can’t go back in to the past and change what has happened.  So, how to deal with the unresolved issues and emotions from the past?

When a couple enter into therapy, and if their goal is to make the relationship better, they aim to learn new and healthy patterns of thinking and behavior towards each other and the relationship.

When issues from the past remain unresolved and keep coming up for the couple, they are encouraged to discuss their relationship history, the key events, incidences and milestones in their relationship.  The couple get an opportunity to discuss their relationship history in the therapy setting.  There are many reasons why the relationship history is discussed.

1. Remember and review both positive and negative aspects

The couple is encouraged to review both positive as well as negative experiences in their relationship in a safe environment where the therapist facilitates the process and moderates any severe reaction from either of them.   This makes them appreciate the strengths as well in the relationship.

2. Discuss the unresolved issues in a emotionally calm state

They get a chance to discuss the unresolved issues in the relationship in a calm manner, which typically comes up during conflicts, when they are already emotionally agitated.  The therapeutic process helps them to listen to their partner’s version about the unresolved issues, regarding which there could be unresolved emotions pent up in each other.  

3. Chance to acknowledge and learn to empathise

Even if the issue cannot be fixed now because it happened in the past, it gives a chance for the couple to at least acknowledge their partner’s emotions, and empathize with their partner.  When true, genuine acknowledgement and empathy is offered, when there is a true understanding of what their partner underwent in that situation, it becomes possible for the other partner to let go of the hurt or the other negative emotions associated with that event. A true and genuine apology becomes possible, if applicable.

4. Clarify misunderstandings if any

This also gives them a chance to clarify any misunderstandings that might have been long standing between them.  When there are critical misunderstandings they can snowball into a whole set of assumptions, generalizations, predefined conclusions and judgments about each other.

5. Learn from the past

Talking about history also give them a chance to learn from their past behavior or approaches and leads them to learn new ways of behavior and thought process as appropriate.

In therapy, many couples get to find that they are stuck in repetitive negative interaction patterns whenever they have a conflict or a disagreement, which would escalate, creating even more negativity between them. These patterns are identified and the couple can be enabled to break the negative interaction patterns and replace them with more adaptive and positive interactions.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling.  She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.

The post Can unresolved issues and resentments be addressed in couple therapy? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.