Manipulation can happen in any relationship but it is significantly damaging when it happens between partners. More often than not if interacting with the other person makes you feel shame, guilt, or accused, emotionally exhausted, or doubting your own reality then perhaps you could be getting manipulated. Over time this builds resentment in the relationship.

The person who manipulates would make you feel these so that they can get their way, to get their needs met or to feel good about themselves. It is possible that they may not be aware of or not used to healthy ways of getting their needs met. But that does not lessen the damage being caused to the relationship.

It is important to recognise manipulation at the earliest and address it, without which overtime there is a high risk of escalation of this behaviour which could become abuse in your relationship.

I am Kala Balasubramanian, counselling psychologist and relationship therapist, and in this video, I am going to talk about five signs of emotional manipulation in relationships. And if they are detected early and address adequately, it can save you from tons of heartache and pain in your relationship.

1. Are you watching your step all the time?

Do you feel apprehensive and gingerly when you interact with your partner? Do you feel that you have to be on guard to not upset or anger your partner? Do you often keep scanning the horizon for the next blow up to happen?

This takes up so much of your energy that you could feel drained out keeping yourself out of trouble. This can make you feel very and sure of saying anything or thinking hundred times before you bring up anything significant.

2. Does your partner say something but later on outright deny it?

The first step to address the problem is to acknowledge that there is a problem if your partner claims that there is no problem at all how do you collaborate with them to address the impact of it? Or does your partner say something or promised something and then out right denies it later on – saying I never said it or I don’t remember saying it.  

It is possible that this might make you second guess yourself, and question your own memory or your version of how things happened and doubt your own self. Gaslighting can start like this and if left unaddressed can become more severe and more damaging

3. Does your partner guilt trip you into doing things or to agree with them?

Does your partner repeatedly keep bringing up your mistakes or keep faulting you about things which happened recently as well as in the past to make you feel guilty? And you see that when that happens you end up agreeing to them or doing what they want you to do rather than to stay with your stance.

They might say “if you love me then you would do this”. Or using global statement like “you never really cared for me or cared for my preferences ever” or “you have always been resentful of my parents” or to outright accuse you as “How can you be so selfish? When you know I am already going through so much, how can you bring this issue up” etc, triggering you to prove it to them that what they are saying is wrong, or to drop the issue at hand or to defend yourself that you are not such a bad person after all the way they portray you to be.

4. Does most of your conversations move into blaming or accusing or badgering you into submission? 

Do you feel that a lot of your conversations go on and on and on without any real attempt at listening to each other understanding each other’s point of view? That you feel exasperated and that usually results in you giving up or just agreeing to what your partner wants or taking up the blame or accusation on yourself and apologizing, perhaps just to end the conversation?

It is also possible that whenever you have a problem or bring up an issue with your partner, somehow the conversation gets turned around and you end up being blamed an accused back. What you brought on the table doesn’t get addressed but you end up defending yourself are having to explain yourself or your actions. So there is no problem solving possible over here.

5. Does your partner apologize but keep doing the same thing over and over again?

Ok Let us say, somehow you have managed to explain your challenge in such a way that your partner finally understands it and apologises for it. But then over time you find that – that apology does not hold any value because they keep doing the same thing over and over again. And if you bring it up again it is highly likely that it may get ignored or brushed away or minimised in terms of its impact.

Over time you start feeling that there is no point in bringing up these issues to your partner when there is no active collaborative problem solving. Either you end up blaming your own self or taking responsibility for things which you are not responsible for. As resentment builds communication breakdown and conflicts escalate.

I am aware that it is not a pretty picture that I am painting over here. But this is a sad reality for many couples. Having said that it is possible to break this pattern before it becomes either abusive or irretrievable. In my next video I will talk about a few ways to dismantle this pattern.  But if you’re facing significant distress then you can seek professional help, couple therapy or if your partner is not willing then you can seek therapy for yourself to explore the possibility of addressing your challenge.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

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