Technology – be it computers, smart phones or now even AI, can be great enablers. But do they also contribute to disconnection and loneliness in our society?

Recently the news of 14 year boy killing himself after being extensively engaging in conversation with AI chatbots, has really highlighted some of the risks involved in relying on AI or other technology platforms at an extensive levels for connections.

Given that adolescence is a time of significant transitions, so many changes happen in their social spaces, in their body and mind. Adolescents can be come rebellious or reclusive.

Conflicts, Failure, being misunderstood, rejection etc are all part of real life and real life relationships. In real life we handle these conflicts, learn to address the disagreements, and still stay in the relationships / friendships, making the connections stronger. Facing these difficult circumstances builds strength and resilience.

Over involvement with social media, online gaming, chat rooms, chatbots etc can deprive them of essential social connections and all the resilience building challenges that real life connections bring in. This contributes to the epidemic of loneliness that is already plaguing the society.

Given that technologies like AI are growing at such a break neck pace – we have not been able to setup adequate safeguards yet. And hence its imperative that parents take a more proactive role in keeping their wards safe. Having said that overprotective, intrusive parenting can be as damaging as lack of parental oversight. To achieve a balance in these spaces to keep the children safe is the key challenge.

Inner Dawn counsellor Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured in Herzindagi.

https://www.herzindagi.com/society-culture/ai-or-human-connection-teens-death-after-chatbot-conversations-raises-alarming-questions-on-ai-safety-article-1005756

The post Does technology overuse lead to more loneliness? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Though the COVID pandemic has affected significant portions of the population, a greater silent pandemic is gripping the world today – loneliness.  Even people who are not susceptible to COVID virus have been affected by loneliness and reduced social connections.  This makes it all the more important to enhance and connect better with existing relationships, with people with whom we live and share spaces. When we don’t feel connected and attached in our relationships, we end up feeling lonely despite being surrounded by people. When you feel lonely in a relationship, it does have a significant impact.

We are all social beings. The need for interpersonal interaction is something that is wired into our needs which is as fundamental as food, clothing and shelter. When a baby is born, the mother or the parental figure would hold the baby close, touch the baby, stroke the baby and the infant feels secure.

The term stroke comes from this context. Stroke is a basic unit of recognition.  When we say hello to somebody we are offering them a stroke.  When they acknowledge us with an eye contact or a smile or a nod, they are offering back a stroke. In our entire life we seek strokes from others, from the universe and ourselves. This is called recognition hunger – a hunger for a special kind of warmth and contact in deeds or words.  The recognition that we get from a promotion at work, or the recognition we get when our friend/partner gives a warm hug, when our pet shows affection to us, when we watch a beautiful sunset they are all strokes with varied importance and intensity.  It is key to note that the importance and intensity is what we assign to the stroke.

Some strokes from a particular person may be valued more when compared to others.

For many couples, the strokes from their partner are highly valued and also craved for. In my experience as a relationship counsellor, when couples come into therapy, one of the common complaints is that one of them or both are feeling unappreciated by each other. They are feeling stroke-deprived, unacknowledged by each other, and there is perhaps an underlying sense of being taken for granted. This can make then feel lonely in a relationship, aggravating all other conflicts, and doesn’t allow bonding/closeness and true intimacy.  

The Stroke Economy (SE) is a set of rules enforced by our own critical voice that we hear inside that keeps us from giving and accepting positive strokes.  The Stroke Economy rules that we live by are:

1. Don’t give strokes you want to give.
2. Don’t ask for strokes you want.
3. Don’t accept strokes you want.
4. Don’t reject strokes you don’t want.
5. Don’t give yourself strokes.
   -(Claude Steiner (1997))

We don’t accept the strokes that we get and we feel stroke deprived. We even modify good strokes that we get and make them negative ones.

I usually ask the couple to do an appreciation exercise on an everyday basis. They would need to schedule about 15 to 20 minutes each day to sit down with each other, make eye contact and provide at least three genuine appreciations to the other.  The couple would practice giving and receiving appreciation and expressing how they felt about it.  If they are not accepting or rejecting the stroke, they will become aware of it. This could be as simple as a compliment for a dress or an acknowledgement for how they took care of you when you were sick. What is important is the intent to appreciate the other.

The next part of the exercise is to ask for specific appreciation from their partner.  This will involve highlighting something which they appreciate about themselves and asking their partner for the same. The challenge to overcome here is that people think that if they have to ask for an acknowledgement or appreciation, then even if they get it, it doesn’t count. 

Feel more fulfilled and less lonely in a relationship

Five things that can happen by giving and receiving positive appreciations/strokes in your relationship and these can enable you to give and receive more positive strokes – building a positive loop in the relationship.

1. Be grateful to have a partner

It is possible that you might have had a conflict with your partner.  Or there may be other things that you both do that are annoying for each other. Despite all that it is important to remember that you both chose each other. And at this point in time it is good to be grateful to have a partner.

2. Finding positives in your partner

When you are feeling grateful, you will also be able to see the other positives that your partner brings in. Despite all the things that frustrate you in the relationship there definitely will be some positives that your partner brings onto the table.  Make an attempt to identify these positives that your partner has. Make an attempt to express them to your partner that you acknowledge them, appreciate them. Not being appreciated by your partner definitely contributes to feeling lonely in a relationship.

3. Ask yourself if you are taking your partner for granted

This is a very important question to ask yourself when you are in a relationship.  Taking things for granted takes away all the positivity and retains only the negative, difficult, and conflicting aspects of the relationship in your thoughts and memory. Look for positive traits and even small things that your partner does for you or shows care for you. Taking your partner for granted is a sure-shot way for both of you to feel lonely in a relationship.

4. Make a conscious attempt to engage in more positive acts

These are difficult times. You might have observed that you spend more time effort and energy at work to make or maintain a good impression and be in the good books of your higher ups. In the same note I would encourage you to also consider your relationships equally important. Things have changed at home front as well, and there are difficulties. And you are relationships deserve attention and care as well. Make an attempt to create positive and pleasant memories in your relationships too.

5. Be kind to yourself and your partner

It is important to quieten the critical voice inside both towards yourself as well as people around you. You can try to replace it with more kind and compassionate words and voice. With this you learn to appreciate your own self as well as people around you. 

We seek relationships, and we want to be happy. There is so much we can do to not feel lonely in a relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She takes an eclectic approach with different therapeutic modalities like CBT, Gestalt, TA in her work. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential Counselling and Therapy, including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

The post Lonely in a relationship. What can you do to make it better? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.