Many a times you might experience difficult emotions like sadness, anger, hurt, jealousy, insecurity, rejection etc.  And you may feel helpless that your emotions are controlling you.

When you deny your emotions in our attempt to either not feel them or to hide them from others and from yourself, they just get buried deep inside, don’t really get addressed and don’t go away either.  They might start piling up inside and one day you may end up bursting out in a way that is inappropriate and disproportionate to the corresponding situation damaging both you and your relationships perhaps.  

On the other hand when you end up being overwhelmed by your emotion then it doesn’t allow you to take appropriate action to address a situation either.

Distracting yourself from the painful emotion also doesn’t help in the long run, though it might give you temporary relief.

Unresolved painful emotions can also show up as psychosomatic problems and pains in your body. 

So why do you have to own your emotions?  Because when you own it, you get to take responsibility for it.  You are not helpless any more, you have a choice.

Be aware of your emotions and experience your emotions fully without having to run away from it. Stay with your emotion even if it is difficult to stay with it.  Remember – painful though it is, it is only an emotion and is only a part of you.  It belongs to you but you are not your emotions.  

Once you have really experienced your emotion you will be able to work through it and you’ll see that the intensity of the emotion reduces.  You will be able to ask yourself this question, whether this emotion belongs to the present or whether it comes from your past.  

For example, it is possible that the other person did something that made you feel hurt / angry / jealous / rejected etc. But in the process what you are doing is blaming the other person to have caused or triggered such emotions within you making you feel helpless about it. Truth is you cannot change the other person’s behaviour.  You might believe that only if the other person is willing to take responsibility, for their actions and apologize, only then your emotions will get assuaged. 

Of course if the other person had done something directly to hurt you or harm you, it is fair that you talk to that person and make them understand how you are feeling and perhaps get an apology.  But here you are giving too much of power to the other person and in the process making yourself feel helpless and as a victim. 

You will be able to talk to them in a calm frame of mind only when you have regulated your own emotions.  You will know if this emotion belongs to the present or whether it comes from your past.  

Having this clarity would help you take the appropriate action that you need to do to both assuage your own emotions as well as deal with the situation in the appropriate manner.  

If you realize that this is coming from the past and not really from the present circumstances, then you need to work through the emotion and the memories of the past event.   This may give you an understanding of how your past experiences are affecting your present and still have a hold on your life.

Being aware of your emotions, owning your emotions, allowing yourself to experience it fully, enable you to regulate your emotions and utilize them effectively and appropriately.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a professional counsellor she provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.

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