In a relationship and still feeling lonely? 4 steps to take to address this loneliness in your relationship and feel connected with each other.

So many couples come into therapy saying that they feel lonely in the relationship. They complain that there are no conversations happening between them. That they don’t feel the connection between each other, are not able to be there emotionally for each other, and it leads to them feeling more lonely and frustration, which shows up as
escalating conflicts, pulling them even more apart from each other.

Some couples might have some major unresolved issues or some other crisis that they are facing, which need to be addressed and resolved before they can feel connected to each other again. But if there are no major crises involved, it is possible to take simple steps to reconnect with each other.

1. Remember – You chose each other as your partner.

In couple therapy, typically when I start to work with a couple, one of the first things that I encourage them to do is to reminisce
and express why they chose Each Other as their life partner. You would have seen something in each other that made you feel some attraction and led you to a decision to choose each other as your life partner. Or to think about the early part of the relationship, when you would have come to know some good things about each other. Expressing this to each other creates a nice cushion from feeling lonely and brings back some fond memories for the couple.

2. Ask yourself if you are taking your partner for granted

When you are in a relationship, this is a very important question to ask yourself.  Taking each other for granted can strip away all the positivity, leaving only the negative, difficult, and conflicting aspects of the relationship in your thoughts and memory. Look for positive traits and even small or big things that your partner does, by themselves or for you. Take an interest in what your partner’s day has been like, what they are working on, and their challenges. Say thank you for the small and big things or daily things that they do for you. And ask yourself, do I truly acknowledge these positive aspects and contributions that my partner brings to the table? If the answer is NO, then start acknowledging and appreciating your partner now.

3. Engaging in more positive acts with each other consciously

If you are a working professional, isn’t it normal that you spend a lot of time, effort and energy to maintain a good impression and be in the good books of your management and colleagues? In the same note, I would encourage you to also consider your relationship as equally important. Both of you need to be in each other’s good books by being genuine, open, honest, respectful, caring and loving with each other.

Spend quality time with each other. Talk to each other. Conversations can be about your childhood, dreams, aspirations, experiences, lessons learnt in life etc.

Identify common areas of interest and engage in activities together. Touch also could be a powerful way of showing care and
love. Touch is not just sex, but includes non sexual touch like holding hands, hugging, kissing, cuddling, holding each other, etc. Non sexual touch and closeness can lead to sex, but not necessarily. I will perhaps make another video on this topic of intimacy. So, your relationship deserves attention, importance and care as well. Make an attempt to engage in positive activities with and for each other and create pleasant memories with each other.

4. Be kind to yourself and your partner

We all have this critical voice inside, that could criticise both ourselves as well as the other person moment there is a problem or fault or mistake involved. And do a check, if you have the tendency to jump on any small mistakes, point out and criticise your partner at the earliest possible opportunity. Or do you have the habit of collecting and remembering all the faults or mistakes that your partner made, that you bring up at a later date, perhaps in a conflict? It is important to quieten the critical voice inside both towards yourself as well as people around you. You can try to replace it with more kind and compassionate words and voice. With this, you learn to appreciate your own self as well as the people around you.

There are so many ways to feel less lonely and more connected. Here is a starting point in your endeavour to better your relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post Are you in a Relationship and Still Feeling Lonely? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

In the Hustle and bustle of life, now even more complicated by the constraints, changes, and challenges with respect to the COVID-19 pandemic going on, we need to acknowledge that we are all under significant stress and strain. World Mental Health Day is observed on October 10th every year. In these current trying circumstances, one key aspect that can make our lives and other people’s lives better is – KINDNESS.

The sad reality is – when we are all stressed out, when we are all facing difficult circumstances we forget to show kindness.  Kindness is a very powerful approach that we can take that is always available to us to make even the most difficult circumstances manageable.

Research has shown that practicing kindness can trigger the release of many of the neurochemicals in our brain – like dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, endorphins like substances etc. Oxytocin is the chemical for bonding. Helping some one opens up opportunities to enhance your bonding in those relationships. These neurochemicals help manage stress, make you feel good, and even reduce pain.

If we take the effort to cultivate the practice of kindness with awareness it is possible to make even this pandemic stricken world a better place for all of us.

Kindness to others:

Receiving kindness or offering kindness or even witnessing kindness can be beneficial both to your Physical Wellness as well as Mental Wellness. Being kind to others in the current circumstances could be done in so many ways.

• Reach out to people to check on their well being
• Support someone even remotely during their difficult times
• Offer a smile
• Offer a few kind words
• Tell your loved ones how much they mean and how important they are to you
• Be kind to your partner. Share some of their work load. Or give them some quality time. Find new ways to be kind to each other.
• Give somebody a genuine acknowledgement
• Listen to the other person and try to understand their point of view
• Express gratitude
  …….and so many more.

Kindness to self:

The most important person that we need to be kind to is ourselves.  We are so hard on ourselves, quick to criticize, and reluctant to acknowledge our own selves. Being kind to oneself also means giving ourselves the permission to be.  Understanding our own needs, giving it adequate importance and getting those needs met in a healthy manner. Some of the ways to be kind to self could be

• Join an art class or any new activity of interest
• Practice dancing, singing or any coordinated movement
• Spend time for a work out or a walk
• Listen to your favourite music
• Talk to a close relative or friend, reconnect if out of touch
• Make a nice meal with a favourite dish
• Plant a garden even in a balcony
• Reduce clutter
• Be gentle with yourself when you make a mistake
• Practice Mindfulness or Meditation
  …….and so on.

Kindness to our environment:

Many times we succumb to cynicism, when it comes to our environment, our planet.  We think about pollution, global warming, ozone layer depletion, deforestation etc and think that we cannot do anything substantial to make any positive impact on the environment. It is not true. Every action that we take has an impact.  It can begin with simple activities like

• Segregation of waste at home
• Using a bio composter. Use the compost in the garden
• Reduce plastic usage
• Not littering in public places
• Using water judiciously
• Thinking of environment friendly approaches in every thing that we do
  …….and so on.

Every drop counts. Every bit of an affirmative action counts.  It is the drops that form the ocean.

Practicing kindness can reduce pain stress and can provide some form of protection against depression, anxiety, loneliness – overall enhancing our mental well being. Looking for avenues to be kinder in relationships enhances the quality of the relationship.

Kindness is contagious, a simple act of kindness and can spark a series of kind events through the doer, the receiver and the witnesses too. Looking for ways and opportunities to be kind and practicing kindness can enrich our lives in immeasurable ways.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She takes an eclectic approach with different therapeutic modalities like CBT, Gestalt, TA in her work. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential Counselling and Therapy, including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

The post Kindness as a route to Mental Wellness first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Kindness – the missing key ingredient in relationships today

When people get married they start with a vow to love and cherish each other. But overtime they start wondering where the love has gone and the cherishing has been replaced by complaints, faults and resentment.

In my work as a couple’s therapist, one of the common reasons for this that one key ingredient in their relationship is missing.  And that ingredient is kindness.

Many a times we are so kind, polite and nice to even strangers.  We are kind to our colleagues, to our friends, our neighbours. We adjust and strive to stay in the good books of our managers, don’t we?

But very often couples find it difficult to be kind to each other, despite being able to be kind, polite and nice to many others in their life, be it friends colleague, relatives etc.  The Question that does arise is, sometimes, why do the partners reserve most of their criticism, harshness, rudeness, even be nastiness to each other? Why can’t they be kind to each other?

Here are seven barriers to kindness in relationships today.

1. I am better than you.

There are times in our lives where a healthy competition can be a positive motivator for us to do better.  But when the competitiveness between the couple leads them to often show each other that I am better than you then it damages the relationship.  Fierce competitiveness, by its nature doesn’t allow kindness, understanding and empathy in a relationship.

2. I am right you are wrong.

When a couple come for relationship counselling, as a couple therapist I explain to them the concept of neutrality – i.e. I will not take sides between the two of them. I also explain to them that we will not get into to a discussion of who is right and who is wrong. 

It comes as such a surprise to so many couples, because in their day-to-day lives, most of their conflicts arise from their thought process that “I am right and you are wrong”.  This stance makes them indignant and feel righteous does not allow the partners to show kindness to each other.  I usually tell them sometimes it is possible that may be both of you are right in certain ways and maybe both of you are wrong in certain ways.

3. Power struggle.

During the initial courtship period, the partners try to address each other’s needs, cater to each other expectations, agree on most things, even go beyond trying to please each other and impress each other. But this is not sustainable in the long run. There will be differences in each other’s point of view, values, opinion, beliefs etc. When a disagreement arises each one tries to establish their point of view over the other’s perspective. Each one tries to establish their power over the other in relationships.

4. Taking each other for granted.

Over a period of time if the couple take each other for granted, they are not motivated to put in the effort to be kind and compassionate to each other.  It is a common refrain “Of course I love my partner. Shouldn’t my partner know that by now? Why should I keep showing it again and again?”. This takes away the possibility of being kind in our relationships.

Here they expect their partner to mind read and understand their love without expressing it in any manner. Laziness is also another reason why the effort to be kind to each other dwindles overtime.

5.  Fear of rejection.

Though one Partner might be inclined to be kind, the fear that their offer of kindness might be rejected by the other partner, might stop one from being kind. A past painful experience of rejection may also stop the partner from expressing kindness.

6. One’s needs are more important than the other’s.

When one partner considers their needs to be more important than the other partner’s needs, there is little or no focus on the other person. A sense of entitlement makes the relationship pretty skewed.  The partner feeling entitled is not able to offer kindness to the other, and kindness offered by the other partner is not valued. And over time the other partner also stops being kind.

7. I am hurt and I will hurt you back.

In couple relationships conflicts are given.  And when there are conflicts either or both of them might get hurt.  When the partners act in a vengeful manner that I am hurt and I will hurt you back, that will be no kindness in these interactions.

Your partner chose you among all the other options and choices that they had.  Learning to treasure and cherish your relationship is one of the key steps in having a healthy relationship. A loving and kind relationship is a wonderful safe space for you to be yourself, to grow, to love – be loved, to heal, to go through the ups and downs of life along with your partner.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential – face to face Counselling in Bangalore including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling in Bangalore and Online Counselling over video calls for others residing outside Bangalore and abroad.

Reach us at +919632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in. If in Bangalore, you can meet the counselor in person – face to face. If you are in a different location you can ask for online counselling over video calls.

The post Why is it difficult to offer kindness in our relationships? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.