What is this inner critical voice? Where does this inner critical voice come from?  How do they get so powerful? 

The inner critical voice is a set of negative thoughts and attitudes and associated emotions, towards one’s own self as well as others. Though we use the term voice it is not a real voice but an internal dialogue that happens within.

When you are in a difficult situation, or trouble or made a mistake etc, observe what you tell yourself. The situation could be as simple as spilling of coffee or tea on your new dress, or sending a wrong email to your boss or client, or a conflict / fight with your loved one. You might tell yourself “I am useless”, “how stupid can I be”, “I can’t do anything right”, “see I knew it, I can’t trust anyone”, “no one Loves me “, “I am not worthy or good enough” etc which you know is not really true but you still believe it.  

What is the impact of this critical inner voice?

The impact on you is significant. It impacts your confidence negatively, lowers your self-esteem and may give you an impression that the situation is grave and catastrophic. This can have a significant negative impact on your emotional state and your mood. These can become barriers for you to achieve your potential and in extreme cases can lead to depression, anxiety, self-harm and even suicidal thoughts and attempts.

The intensity and impact of the inner critical voice could vary from mild – simple disapproval like “Why didn’t I do it right” to moderate – strong negative judgement – “I am useless, I can’t ever do anything right”, to severe – could lead to self-harm / suicidal thoughts – “I am a burden to everyone around. I might as well die”.  

Where do we get the inner critical voice from?

It is possible that each of us would have had mixed bag of experiences as part of our childhood. As a child we looked around ourselves and tried to make sense / meaning of what was happening around us as well as what was happening to us.

The child has limited resources in terms of cognitive skills to have a clear understanding of what is happening around. Some early life experiences could have been difficult or experienced as difficult given the limited resources that the child has. These early experiences are internalized and form a part of how we see ourselves.

How does the inner critical voice manifest?

Sharon’s father was an alcoholic and would abuse Sharon’s mother and blame Sharon for his problems.  When she was 7 her parents separated and she stayed with her mother. Though her mother was loving towards her, there were financial difficulties that they faced. Sharon internalized these experiences, believing that “I am a burden to everyone”.  In adult life when she had any conflicts with her partner, her internal critical voice would come up saying “I am a burden”.

Roopa had a childhood where all her needs were taken care of.  Her mother had the reputation of being the best/ideal mother, perfect wife, perfect daughter in law in her family. Though there was no explicit pressure on Roopa to excel, she took in her mother’s attitude of “being perfect” and internalized it.  When she couldn’t stand first in her school in her board examinations, she couldn’t handle it and became depressed. Her internal critical voice was “Unless I am perfect, I am no good”.

Raj had two elder brothers who were very accomplished both in academics and in sports. Though Raj was also encouraged to study and take part in sports he was an average student. His brothers would taunt him though in a seemingly friendly manner. Raj felt inadequate and internalized a belief that “I am not good enough”. In adulthood, though Raj had a Master’s degree and is a senior executive in a top firm, whenever he had a challenging situation, he would struggle with the inner critical voice which would taunt him saying “You are not good enough”.

These are some examples of where the internal critical voice could originate from. It could be what the child was told repeatedly by parents or parental figures, or what the child saw in parents or other significant role models as attitudes or beliefs, or what the child made sense of in a difficult childhood situation, given that the child has only limited cognitive resources.

The greater the impact on the child, the greater the power the inner critical voice gains. As we grow up

Is it possible to fight against the inner critical voice?

Having said that, all is not lost. It is possible to keep the inner critical voice in check and not allow it to take control of us. It is important to be aware that what the inner critical voice says may not be the absolute truth. It is possible to understand the level of exaggeration that it entails and to challenge the inner critical voice.

Here are four simple steps to follow to challenge your inner critical voice and take away its power over you. Inner Critical Voice: 4 simple steps to counteract it.

Psychotherapy can help uncover the origins of your inner critical voice and to heal these primal wounds so that you can take charge of your life and live up to your potential.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling in Bangalore and Online Counselling over video calls for others residing outside Bangalore and abroad.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls.

References:

https://www.erickson-foundation.org/the-critical-inner-voice/
https://www.psychalive.org/critical-inner-voice/

The post What is inner critical voice? Why is it so powerful? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

What is the Inner Critical Voice?

Inner critical voice is a set of negative thoughts, attitudes and associated emotions that we have towards ourselves and others. These would be the first / automatic / default thoughts that come up when we are in trouble.

Shalini got into a small accident on her way to office on her two-wheeler. Though no one was injured including Shalini, and no major damage either to the vehicle, her whole day got ruined. The voice in her head kept criticizing her on and on saying – You are no good. You shouldn’t be driving. You are just as stupid in driving as you are in other areas.

Shawn had a fight with his partner Shiela and they went to sleep without resolving it.  He couldn’t sleep the whole night, with his inner voice telling him that he is not lovable, that he is not a good partner and the marriage is in a bad shape and they may end up in a divorce.

I am sure we all recognise this kind of a powerful, harsh, critical inner voice that keeps us in its grips, beats us into a pulp, damaging our self-esteem. We believe in this voice and accept what it says as a fact and get in to a loop of negativity.   It is not a real voice that we hear but a pattern of negative thoughts and attitudes that limit and restrict us from reaching our potential.

In extreme cases this can precipitate into depression, anxiety and other major mental health issues.  

Here are four simple steps to follow to challenge your inner critical voice and take away its power over you.

1. Be aware of the inner critical voice

The first step is always to be aware that I am hearing this in a critical voice.  To be aware that it is also a thought rather than an absolute reality. Ask yourself how am I feeling emotionally, put a name to it. Also, you can put a number to the intensity of the emotion in a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being low and 10 being the highest intensity.

2. Ask yourself am I maintaining double standards

To ask yourself would I say the same thing to a very close and dear friend of mine if they are in the similar situation? Will I be this harsh to them, and use these words which are scathing and hurtful? Even if they did make a mistake will I label them bad or stupid or any negative label?

If the answer is no, then ask yourself, why am I maintaining double standards when it comes to me?

3. Acknowledge but respond back as many times as you need

Many a time the critical voice may have a valid point. Is it possible for you to acknowledge the same at the same time respond to it in a way to make it soften? Even if I think the critical voice does have a point, can I make it a bit softer? Can I empathize with me despite my mistakes?

Shalini might say – I know that I made a mistake and the Accident happened.  Mistakes are part of life and that is how I will learn to be better. And I have been driving all these years without any major incident.  I am only human and making a mistake just means that I am human.

Shawn could say – Yes, we had a fight. But there have been good moments also in our marriage. I am not the only contributor to this problem. I will renew our conversation tomorrow when we are calmer and resolve this.  All marriages have conflicts and I choose to remind myself that we do love each other.

4. Note down how you feel

You may have to do this multiple times as required.  Once this is done note down how do you feel emotionally and put a number to the intensity that you experience now.  If you are able to steadily confront your inner critical voice, your emotional intensity would have come down. The more the number of times you do this the less powerful your inner critical voice would become.

Where does this inner critical voice come from?  How do they get so powerful?  I will answer these questions in my next post.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling in Bangalore and Online Counselling over video calls for others residing outside Bangalore and abroad.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls.

The post 4 simple steps to counteract that inner critical voice first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.