Many of my couple clients ask me whether an affair or infidelity mean the end of the marriage or relationship.

Understanding what is an affair

First we need to understand what is considered an affair and what is not.  A lot depends upon what is the definition of boundaries for the relationship as agreed upon by the partners in the relationship.

The relationship or marriage itself could be a monogamous, or a poly relationship, or an open relationship.  I will make another video to explain the different types of relationships soon.

Irrespective of what kind of relationship it is, it is bound by a set of boundaries or rules or understanding between the partners as to what is acceptable and what is not acceptable for their relationship.  You will see me use the term marriage or relationship interchangeably.

Some examples.

• Staying in touch with an ex maybe acceptable for one couple but may not be for another.
• Or texting a colleague might be okay at 8 p.m. But may not be okay at 12 in the night. The time of messaging, content of messages, and the volume of messages exchanged may all be factors in what is ok and what is not ok for the couple
• The extent of physical closeness with a friend that is acceptable will vary from couple to couple.
• The level of emotional sharing and emotionally intense relationships with others that is acceptable will vary for each couple.

Couples usually don’t sit down and talk about what is okay and what is not okay and they may not make a list of these things. It is a continuous process of understanding each other, understanding what is comfortable or uncomfortable, what is a definite no-no for your partner and yourself and handling your boundaries accordingly.

Having said that what to do when there is a boundary violation like an affair. It might help to have an understanding of the different types of affairs.

Affairs can be of many types.

Sexual affair

This is a purely physical/ sexual encounter or encounters that one has with the same person or different persons. There is a lack of emotional involvement or attachment initially. When there is more sexual environment with the same person emotional involvement could increase.

Romantic affair

There is a sense of emotional closeness, sharing and attachment with the other and a sense of sexual attraction or sexual intimacy with other person. This kind of affair can also be seen as falling in love with someone else.

Emotional affair

There may not be any sexual attraction here but a lot of emotional intimacy, sharing and support. What initially could start as emotional closeness with another person can overtime develop into sexual feelings and could become a romantic relationship as well.

Online / Cyber affair

Today everything is available at the touch of a button. And online or cyber affairs can start from chats, video calls, emails etc. This can be with a known person or an unknown person. The people involved might never meet or could meet. An online affair could involve any activities of flirting, emotional sharing/intimacy, online sex etc. If the people meet up, this could become a sexual or romantic affair.  

Some Common aspects in any kind of affair

• There is a sense of secrecy / hiding / lying about what is going on with the partner.
• It takes away energy from the relationship / marriage.
• The partner who is being cheated upon is / would be uncomfortable/ does not like what is going on.
• The partner engaging in the affair gets more and more involved with other person(s).

Couples with a problem of infidelity in the relationship, come into therapy when the partner who got cheated upon somehow gets to know about the affair. And it is common that the partner who was involved in the affair believed that, their partner would not get to know about it.  And perhaps believed that what they don’t know cannot hurt them.

Let me clear this myth about affairs right here. Irrespective of whether your partner knows about the affair or not, it is already hurting your relationship, there by hurting your partner. When you are disengaged, when your focus is elsewhere outside the relationship, you are unavailable for your partner in ways that are healthy for the relationship.

So let us say that the affair is not secret anymore, and the other partner knows about it. What now?

Some of the common reactions when an affair comes to light

The partner who had an affair denies it  or covers it up, with more lies and partial truths. The challenge here is that the lies and partial stores will get uncovered soon or later. The breach of trust from the affair would become now manifold with the slew of lies that are used to cover it up.

Partners blame each other and other problems in the marriage as reasons for the affair. I usually tell my couple clients that that could be many problems in the marriage that might have let to the affair, but doesn’t justify it.

Or the couple may choose to not talk about it, ignore it completely, push it under the carpet, continue with their lives, pretending that it never happened. The challenge is, it will surface in the relationship in unconscious ways through indirect accusations, distrust and insecurity.

Another possibility is that one partner walks out of the relationship, and they may choose to end the relationship.

Having said that – Let us say the couple wants to address their issues and the affair related impact on their relationship, they could seek couple therapy. 

Let me tell you that it is possible for the couple to work through this challenge and even strengthen the relationship, provided the following aspects are in place, and they are willing to put in the effort.

1. Both partners value the marriage/relationship – and want to make it work.  It is possible that one partner wants the marriage and other partner may still be undecided about whether they want to work on it or not. Over time as they have conversations with each other if both choose to stay in the marriage and work on it, then it is possible to work through the damages caused by the affair.
2. Both partners agree for transparency and honesty in the relationship and the willingness to rebuild trust in the relationship overtime. The therapist would facilitate open and honest conversations are towards this.
3. The partner who has had the affair takes responsibility for it and acknowledge the hurt caused to the other partner by their actions.
4. Both partners openly discuss and agree upon clear and acceptable boundaries for their relationship and for their personal spaces /activities.
5. The couple also would be encouraged to look at underlying relationship challenges and make necessary changes to cater to each other’s reasonable needs and actively engage with each other in a respectful manner.

Summary

An affair need not mean the end of the marriage or relationship. Having said that, breaking of trust takes a single moment.  Rebuilding takes time.  It would take time and commitment from both partners to heal the relationship wounds, to rebuild trust between each other and address other underlying challenges in the relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

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