New Year 2021 is here. And my wishes for a New Year that is happy, fulfilling and healthy for all of us. Having said that, being realistic there will be challenges this New Year as well.  What if I tell you that there is one simple change that you can do in your life, that will ensure your happiness in this New Year. One sure shot way of keeping yourself happy. No I am not talking about magic but something based on science and psychology.

We hold on to what is called a negative bias in our thought process and in the way we process and recollect our emotions. Research has shown that we process negative events and negative emotions in a different and more detailed manner than how we process positive experiences.  This makes it more twice more likely for us to access our negative experiences and emotions and more easily than positive ones.

Research says the impact of a negative experience is twice as that of a positive experience and it takes longer for us to recover from a negative experience. And when we recollect the negative experience, we do get impacted again in the process. And since we tend to recollect negative experiences more easily than positive experiences we end up, feeling more negative emotions.

Researchers say that there could be an evolutionary aspect to this. When we were hunters and gatherers in the forest, a negative experience or threat, like facing a predator needed to be given more priority in our mental processing than a neutral or a positive stimulus like sighting a fruit tree or a beautiful sunset. So processing a negative event and remembering it would have had a direct influence on the survival probabilities of the individual.

Sonal (name changed for confidentiality) complains, when she didn’t get her promotion this year.  “I have no luck, and it’s always been like this.  I always have to put in twice the effort and struggle to get anything that I want, even if I deserve it. Why is life so difficult?” (When angry and frustrated, she may not recollect that she has a job that she enjoys, has a wonderful family and every one in her family recovered from COVID with not much of a difficulty)

When I work with couples I see this in almost every conflict that the couple bring into therapy.  This has a direct impact on the relationship quality and satisfaction.

Here is an anonymised snippet

Susan (name changed for confidentiality) – “How come you are never available to talk to me when am in trouble and I really need you”.  (When disappointed, she may not able to recollect the times when he did talk to her about her challenges)

John (name changed for confidentiality) – “You never appreciate all the support that I give you. You want to do is to criticize.  And all the good things that I do for you are forgotten. You only look at your problems. For once can you look at the constraints that I have to work with?”  (When faced with criticism, he may not able to recollect the times when she did appreciate him)

What do we do about our negative bias? What can we do about it? Should we eliminate it?  Not really.  

Being aware of our own tendency to retain and recollect negative experience itself is a good starting point.  Here are a few steps to keep the negative bias from ruining our happiness.

1. Creating happy positive experiences for ourselves.

Scheduling time everyday for some self care, doing some activities that we love and enjoy, practicing mindfulness, travel, being in nature, planning to meet with good friends and family, planning a vacation etc, all of this can create positive experiences. Do what is feasible at the moment to create positive experiences for yourself.

2.  Account for happy positive experiences.

Many times we don’t have to create positive experiences but actually may need to learn to recognize positive experiences that are happening to us and around us.  For example – when someone gives us a compliment, we might not give adequate weightage to it or ignore it turn it around to say they didn’t mean it. We can receive, acknowledge and account for it. 

3. Record the positive experiences. 

Writing a gratitude journal or a journal of positive experiences would help us reach and access these positive experiences especially when we are finding it difficult to. Pictures, inspiring quotes, compliments, fun, insight it can be anything that you can place into this store well of positive and happy experiences. Make it a point to give appreciation to others too along with constructive criticisms.

4. Taking things personally?  Gain perspective.

When there is a negative comment or criticism, to ask ourselves if we are taking it personally and to get perspective on the issue.  Talking or sharing with a friend, or whether this matters in the larger scheme of things could help.  If you find yourself wallowing in that negativity, it is good to engage in a different activity for a while to gain some perspective and come back to address the issue.

5. Feel the emotions fully and move on truly.

When a negative experience occurs, it is good to acknowledge and learn from it. It is OK to feel your feelings. You don’t have to run away from them. When we allow ourselves to feel the emotions completely and then move on, we decrease the impact of that experience but keep the learning. Then when we access and recognize our positive experiences our overall happiness and satisfaction levels are higher and sustained.

Life is full of good bad and neutral experiences. Our negative bias, can keep us on our toes, push us towards being better, enable us to learn from difficult experiences and keep us safe.  At the same time if we’re allow it to excessively impact us it is going to rob us of our happiness.

If you are unable to get out of the negativity loop that you get stuck into, talk to one of our counsellors. Counselling or therapy could facilitate you to get unstuck and deal or cope with your challenges to experience life in a more adaptive manner. Happiness is possible. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in.

In this New Year, stay safe, stay aware and stay happy.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential – face to face Counselling in Bangalore including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling in Bangalore and Online Counselling over video calls for others residing outside Bangalore and abroad.

The post One sure shot way of keeping yourself happy this New Year first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

To have a real sense of Senior Citizens Life and their possibilities, I had requested my Mom to pen this article.

Time is a greatest healer they say.  It is also true that as time passes we grow old and that cannot be turned back. Old age brings its own set of challenges and blessings. Many senior citizens usually think that the active part of their life is over. But this is not true. We have ample time which can be used creatively. We have spent enough part of our lives for the Welfare of our family, the organisation that we work for, friends and so on. Now that those parts are significantly taken care of, it is possible now, for us to live for our own selves.

Being a senior citizen myself, I speak from my own experience as well as looking at people around me who do try to live their life in a more fulfilling and interesting manner enthusiastically.

Let me give examples from my own life, to talk about the four factors of wellness in our life that we can enrich and how to go about it.

1. Physical Wellness

When we were young and energetic we did so many things physically, be it house hold work, office related work, outdoor work in the garden or in the fields, in a lot of ways work involved physical exertion. Today though we don’t have that much of strength anymore, it need not stop us from doing things which we can possibly do to keep ourselves physically fit. Mild exercises that are age appropriate is an excellent way of keeping ourselves healthy. Walking is an easy and good form of exercise and it can also relax our minds. Taking a walk in a park or a beach nearby gives us also a chance to spend time in natural surroundings. Above and beyond this, as much as our body can handle, it is healthy to be involved in household chores that can keep us active and healthy. We need to try to keep ourselves mobile, keep ourselves healthy, to be able to take care of our own needs as long as possible.

I do walk every day, as much as my knees allow me to. I also do regular stretching exercises etc for my back.  Yoga is an excellent possibility for senior citizens to keep themselves healthy.

2. Mental Wellness

Our mind is a very powerful tool that we have which unfortunately most of us do not realize the power and potential of.  It is the most powerful part of our body. We keep talking about how stressful life is and how stressful the current generation is etc. If we can train our minds to look at the positive aspects of everything that happens around us, most of our stress will disappear, our thoughts will be strong and focused on what we want to achieve. Age is just a number and we still can achieve what we want to even at this age. Become what you want to become. When we practice meditation we channel our mind into a positive state.  At the same time, when we don’t use/exert our brains into new activities, it atrophies.

Personally speaking I do practice meditation, mindfulness and keep myself engaged in interesting activities available nearby.  At age of 68 I learnt a new language, and cleared exams in it.  Research says that learning a new language does improve your brain function and creates more neural connections in your brain, which is really very good for senior citizens. I have renewed my reading habit now and look forward to getting acquainted with new authors and also relish reading my favourite authors. I also keep trying new things – like writing this blog article.

I also recommend travelling to locations that we always wanted to, that hitherto didn’t.  There are many Senior Citizen friendly tour operators and safe travel options.  Travel expands our minds.  We see new places, meet new people, experience new cultures and that fill us with positivity.  But we need to ensure that our health checkups are done on time and need to carry all requisite medications as appropriate.

3. Emotional Wellness

Most of us senior citizens face a common problem adjusting with the younger generation today. There are a lot of differences in today’s lifestyle -the proliferation of the digital age, social media etc. We might feel alienated looking at their level of independence and worldly exposure.  But it is not the end of all. If we can be flexible, it is possible for us to forge new friendships with our children and our grandchildren. I think it is important for us to also forge new connections with other people outside our immediate family as well.  Engaging ourselves in a social cause or in any community project that is possible and feasible for us, providing service in any institution etc., can provide us a lot of opportunities to connect with people with common interests.

For example, I am actively engaged in the renovation and operations of a nearby temple, where over a period of time I have made a good circle of friends and it keeps me engaged in a positive manner. I am also involved in many group activities that are conducted there that I find interesting.

4. Spiritual Wellness

At this age I feel it is important for us to also progress in our spiritual life as well.  For each person their spiritual pathway and progress might be different and what interests us spiritually may also be very different.

Spirituality could mean connecting to a higher power.  This could be nature, God, the universe etc. 

For some it could be religion and prayer, for someone else it could be a communion with nature.  For someone else it could be about enriching their soul and spirit.  It could be about a search for meaning, a freedom from our fears and insecurities.  It is about finding our real selves, a path to awareness and consciousness.

So now that we have abundant time with us we can bring forth new interests anew and this could be a new beginning for us.  As a senior citizen we can look at the positive aspects and look forward to life and live our lives in a fulfilling manner everyday and every moment and make a positive difference to ourselves and others around as well.

Let’s remember – Life is a Journey, it has a beginning – our birth and it has an end – our death.  It is the time in between; it is being on this Journey that is the essence, that makes it worthwhile.  So let’s live our lives to the fullest a day at a time, enriching ourselves and our world.

About the Author :

Lalitha Balan is my Mother,  my Friend and my Shining Light. She 71 years old and full of Life and Enthusiasm. Always taking up new and interesting things, quick to a smile and ready for any service that she can handle. She gives a kind listening ear to folks with problems, and they always leave feeling better after talking to her. Patience is her strength and kindness is her virtue. Abundant with Life experiences, I encourage her to pen down some aspects of them that can be valuable for all.
– Kala Balasubramanian

The post Four wellness factors for senior citizens to lead a fulfilling and happy life first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

We are all creatures of our habits. Some make it a habit to worry, some make it a habit to complain, some make it a habit to daydream, and for some finding faults could be a habit. It could be waking up early or late, habits of drinking and smoking etc, a major portion of our day is spent based upon these habits. I can go on and on about the list of habits that we develop all through our life and how our lives are significantly influenced by our habits.

If that is the case, then the question that arises is why can’t we make it a habit to cultivate those things in us that we seek desperately.  With all the rat race that goes on in today’s world two of the most important things that people want but find it difficult to cultivate or sustain would be happiness and peace.

And the reason why I used the word cultivate here is because of the fact that when we seek happiness outside ourselves it is fleeting and doesn’t sustain and when we find it within ourselves it is complete and lasting. And when I say happiness I don’t mean that we will be ecstatic and euphoric all the time. I don’t mean that there will not be problems in life or that there won’t be sadness or anger or frustrations etc in life. What I mean is how to be happy and peaceful despite all the problems that we face in life.  How do we create and cultivate that happiness within ourselves.

Make happiness a habit. 

Smile, it improves your face value. It improves not just your face value not just your social interactions, but it also can improve your emotional state. From a psychology perspective, your thoughts, emotions and behavior are interconnected and influence one another – The cognitive triangle.

Of course when you are working with a  therapist or a counsellor, they would help you and facilitate you to work on your thoughts and your emotions. But if you want to improve things on your own a simpler place to start would be to change your simple behaviors.

When you smile more it makes you feel energized and happy, which will make you smile even more and do more things to smile more. This is called a positive feedback loop. So this won’t help you deal with any major trauma, problems etc, but overall this can improve your happiness quotient.

Let go of the everyday small and mini irritants.  Everyday we accumulate a lot of irritations which could be small, mini or minute. The problem here is that these irritations get accumulated and over a period and start affecting your mood and you start getting more irritable with whatever is happening at that point time. This could be a small tiff with your co-worker, an argument with a friend, a fight with your partner, the traffic jams that you need to cross while commuting, a device crash, tantrum by your child and so on. Each one of these things might irritate you a bit but when it accumulates, it stresses you a lot more and takes away your happiness even more. Being aware of it gives you a chance to acknowledge the same but also to let go of it, with the understanding that these don’t matter in the larger scheme of things, unless it is chronic in nature. It is good to gain perspective.  Holding on to these only stresses you and robs you of potential opportunities to feel and be happy.

Slow down and be mindful. In the whole day that we are awake how much of the time are we actually mindful of what we are doing and what is happening to us? How much of the time do we just go through the day in a haze of routine and being unaware of, unmindful of what is happening. Being mindful gives you multiple opportunities to observe and derive happiness from random event random people random objects which you come across and cultivate that within you. This could give you more opportunities to smile. Being mindful makes you be present in the present and experience it completely without any judgement.

Gratitude is another excellent way to cultivate happiness within yourself. Expressing gratitude not just to others, but to yourself, your environment, your circumstances, your family etc. No person, no circumstance, no family is perfect. At the same time there are also positive and good aspects present nevertheless.  The gratitude process makes you look, seek and recognize the good things that are present in you in your environment and the good things that are happening around you. This process makes you look, and recognize the things, traits, situations that you are grateful for and gives an excellent platform to cultivate the happiness and peace that you want.

Happiness is a choice. You can make happiness a habit. You can choose and feel and experience happiness everyday, no matter what happens in that day.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling.  She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.

The post Make happiness a habit first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.