New Year 2021 is here. And my wishes for a New Year that is happy, fulfilling and healthy for all of us. Having said that, being realistic there will be challenges this New Year as well.  What if I tell you that there is one simple change that you can do in your life, that will ensure your happiness in this New Year. One sure shot way of keeping yourself happy. No I am not talking about magic but something based on science and psychology.

We hold on to what is called a negative bias in our thought process and in the way we process and recollect our emotions. Research has shown that we process negative events and negative emotions in a different and more detailed manner than how we process positive experiences.  This makes it more twice more likely for us to access our negative experiences and emotions and more easily than positive ones.

Research says the impact of a negative experience is twice as that of a positive experience and it takes longer for us to recover from a negative experience. And when we recollect the negative experience, we do get impacted again in the process. And since we tend to recollect negative experiences more easily than positive experiences we end up, feeling more negative emotions.

Researchers say that there could be an evolutionary aspect to this. When we were hunters and gatherers in the forest, a negative experience or threat, like facing a predator needed to be given more priority in our mental processing than a neutral or a positive stimulus like sighting a fruit tree or a beautiful sunset. So processing a negative event and remembering it would have had a direct influence on the survival probabilities of the individual.

Sonal (name changed for confidentiality) complains, when she didn’t get her promotion this year.  “I have no luck, and it’s always been like this.  I always have to put in twice the effort and struggle to get anything that I want, even if I deserve it. Why is life so difficult?” (When angry and frustrated, she may not recollect that she has a job that she enjoys, has a wonderful family and every one in her family recovered from COVID with not much of a difficulty)

When I work with couples I see this in almost every conflict that the couple bring into therapy.  This has a direct impact on the relationship quality and satisfaction.

Here is an anonymised snippet

Susan (name changed for confidentiality) – “How come you are never available to talk to me when am in trouble and I really need you”.  (When disappointed, she may not able to recollect the times when he did talk to her about her challenges)

John (name changed for confidentiality) – “You never appreciate all the support that I give you. You want to do is to criticize.  And all the good things that I do for you are forgotten. You only look at your problems. For once can you look at the constraints that I have to work with?”  (When faced with criticism, he may not able to recollect the times when she did appreciate him)

What do we do about our negative bias? What can we do about it? Should we eliminate it?  Not really.  

Being aware of our own tendency to retain and recollect negative experience itself is a good starting point.  Here are a few steps to keep the negative bias from ruining our happiness.

1. Creating happy positive experiences for ourselves.

Scheduling time everyday for some self care, doing some activities that we love and enjoy, practicing mindfulness, travel, being in nature, planning to meet with good friends and family, planning a vacation etc, all of this can create positive experiences. Do what is feasible at the moment to create positive experiences for yourself.

2.  Account for happy positive experiences.

Many times we don’t have to create positive experiences but actually may need to learn to recognize positive experiences that are happening to us and around us.  For example – when someone gives us a compliment, we might not give adequate weightage to it or ignore it turn it around to say they didn’t mean it. We can receive, acknowledge and account for it. 

3. Record the positive experiences. 

Writing a gratitude journal or a journal of positive experiences would help us reach and access these positive experiences especially when we are finding it difficult to. Pictures, inspiring quotes, compliments, fun, insight it can be anything that you can place into this store well of positive and happy experiences. Make it a point to give appreciation to others too along with constructive criticisms.

4. Taking things personally?  Gain perspective.

When there is a negative comment or criticism, to ask ourselves if we are taking it personally and to get perspective on the issue.  Talking or sharing with a friend, or whether this matters in the larger scheme of things could help.  If you find yourself wallowing in that negativity, it is good to engage in a different activity for a while to gain some perspective and come back to address the issue.

5. Feel the emotions fully and move on truly.

When a negative experience occurs, it is good to acknowledge and learn from it. It is OK to feel your feelings. You don’t have to run away from them. When we allow ourselves to feel the emotions completely and then move on, we decrease the impact of that experience but keep the learning. Then when we access and recognize our positive experiences our overall happiness and satisfaction levels are higher and sustained.

Life is full of good bad and neutral experiences. Our negative bias, can keep us on our toes, push us towards being better, enable us to learn from difficult experiences and keep us safe.  At the same time if we’re allow it to excessively impact us it is going to rob us of our happiness.

If you are unable to get out of the negativity loop that you get stuck into, talk to one of our counsellors. Counselling or therapy could facilitate you to get unstuck and deal or cope with your challenges to experience life in a more adaptive manner. Happiness is possible. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in.

In this New Year, stay safe, stay aware and stay happy.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential – face to face Counselling in Bangalore including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling in Bangalore and Online Counselling over video calls for others residing outside Bangalore and abroad.

The post One sure shot way of keeping yourself happy this New Year first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Many a times you might experience difficult emotions like sadness, anger, hurt, jealousy, insecurity, rejection etc.  And you may feel helpless that your emotions are controlling you.

When you deny your emotions in our attempt to either not feel them or to hide them from others and from yourself, they just get buried deep inside, don’t really get addressed and don’t go away either.  They might start piling up inside and one day you may end up bursting out in a way that is inappropriate and disproportionate to the corresponding situation damaging both you and your relationships perhaps.  

On the other hand when you end up being overwhelmed by your emotion then it doesn’t allow you to take appropriate action to address a situation either.

Distracting yourself from the painful emotion also doesn’t help in the long run, though it might give you temporary relief.

Unresolved painful emotions can also show up as psychosomatic problems and pains in your body. 

So why do you have to own your emotions?  Because when you own it, you get to take responsibility for it.  You are not helpless any more, you have a choice.

Be aware of your emotions and experience your emotions fully without having to run away from it. Stay with your emotion even if it is difficult to stay with it.  Remember – painful though it is, it is only an emotion and is only a part of you.  It belongs to you but you are not your emotions.  

Once you have really experienced your emotion you will be able to work through it and you’ll see that the intensity of the emotion reduces.  You will be able to ask yourself this question, whether this emotion belongs to the present or whether it comes from your past.  

For example, it is possible that the other person did something that made you feel hurt / angry / jealous / rejected etc. But in the process what you are doing is blaming the other person to have caused or triggered such emotions within you making you feel helpless about it. Truth is you cannot change the other person’s behaviour.  You might believe that only if the other person is willing to take responsibility, for their actions and apologize, only then your emotions will get assuaged. 

Of course if the other person had done something directly to hurt you or harm you, it is fair that you talk to that person and make them understand how you are feeling and perhaps get an apology.  But here you are giving too much of power to the other person and in the process making yourself feel helpless and as a victim. 

You will be able to talk to them in a calm frame of mind only when you have regulated your own emotions.  You will know if this emotion belongs to the present or whether it comes from your past.  

Having this clarity would help you take the appropriate action that you need to do to both assuage your own emotions as well as deal with the situation in the appropriate manner.  

If you realize that this is coming from the past and not really from the present circumstances, then you need to work through the emotion and the memories of the past event.   This may give you an understanding of how your past experiences are affecting your present and still have a hold on your life.

Being aware of your emotions, owning your emotions, allowing yourself to experience it fully, enable you to regulate your emotions and utilize them effectively and appropriately.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a professional counsellor she provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.

The post How does owning our difficult emotions help us? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.