Essentially, couple counselling will work for couples, who are willing to take responsibility for their own behaviors/actions, and for the role that they play in the challenges in the couple relationship.

In couple counselling the couple are encouraged to be honest and genuine in the sessions as well as outside the sessions. Couple counselling can help the partners identify their challenges in communication and work towards improving the same, to deal with conflicts in a healthy and adaptive manner, help deal/cope with any significant breach of trust, able to setup healthy boundaries, improve bonding and intimacy among the couple etc.  The whole process is based upon respectful behavior towards each other, and being able to be vulnerable with each other.

One of the fundamental aspects that counselling provides is a safe environment for both partners to be able to open up with each other in the counselling sessions and be able to listen to their partner respectfully even if they are in disagreement.  I tell my client couples, that it is not just the counsellor who provides the safe and non judgmental space for them, but it is also important for the couple to provide that safe space for each other.  I explain it to them further – what it means is, there might be some topic that may be raised in the sessions by one of you.  If you go back from here and start fighting about it, then this process may not be effective for you.

Having said this, when there is a couple who have ongoing significant abuse / violence between them, it becomes practically not possible, for them to provide the safe space for each other. When abuse and violence are used to gain power and control over the other, then there is no safe space there.   The abuse is categorized as Intimate Terrorism.  To exert power and control on their partner, the abuser may use different tactics including humiliation, threats, intimidation, blame, domination, isolation etc.  Abuse could be emotional, psychological, financial, sexual  etc.

It is very important to assess, very early in the couple counselling process, the level and extent of abuse in the relationship. If the counsellor feels that one of the partners is hesitant to talk about it, the counsellor might recommend individual sessions to make an assessment regarding the extent of abuse/violence in the relationship.

In couple therapy, one partner may open a particular topic and might share their point of view, feeling safe in the presence of the counsellor. If the other partner is abusive and does not like this disclosure, it can cause greater damage. When there is abuse in the relationship, this might aggravate the situation outside the counselling space and can result in more violence or abuse.

Many a times it is also seen that the partner who is being subjected to abuse/ violence might not see it as abuse.  There could be multiple reasons for this. They might normalise the abusive behavior. They might not have awareness that this is abusive. They might hold beliefs that abuse is normal part of relationship, or they might blame themselves for the abusive behaviour etc.

Even if the client believes that abuse is normal, or self blames extensively, it is important from the therapist professional ethics, that there is no further damage is caused.

The non-maleficence principle of counselling profession means – do no harm. That means not causing harm to others and avoiding practices that have potential harm. 

For this reason, when there is any ongoing abuse/violence or the severity/propensity is high when abuse and violence are used to gain power and control over the other, it is not recommended to see the couple together in couple counselling. 

They may be referred for individual counselling sessions or directed to other support systems. The abusive partner may learn new skills on emotion regulation, work on underlying beliefs about power and violence and partner’s gender, empathy/respect, develop better behavioral skills etc.

The abused partner would be encouraged to work on their safety aspects, learn to tackle learned helpless if any, work on their self esteem, learn about the cycle of abuse, stop self blame, and also gain other social support systems.

There is another school of thought, where based on assessment of the abuse, the Counsellor might see them together as a couple – provided the following criteria are met. The abuse is categorized as situational couple violence.

1. It is infrequent, mild to moderate and non-controlling

2. The partner who had engaged in abuse is remorseful about it, is able to take a responsibility, and be willing to work upon it, is motivated to stop the abuse/violence and doesn’t blame the other partner

3. Abuse didn’t happen with the intent of control and power but was situational

4. Other forms of controlling behavior doesn’t exist

5. There are no risks to the both clients’ life or safety

6. The other partner who has faced abuse is not fearful of being in the relationship and attending sessions together

7. If abuse is mutual both are not fearful and are willing to take responsibility for their role

8. Other risk factors like substance abuse, history of violent crimes don’t exist

Hence if the counsellor wants to see the couple together, the assessment has to be fairly realistic and therapist needs to ensure that other damaging factors are absent in the couple relationship.  Only experienced therapists would need to consider providing couples therapy given that all the risks are not known.

 The therapist needs to be aware and assess the risk throughout the process irrespective of the initial assessment.  If there is an escalation and recurrence of violence, then the therapist needs to change/revisit the approach accordingly to address the safety issues first.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a professional counsellor she provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.

The post Will couple counselling help if there is abuse in the relationship? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

There will be many circumstances in life where you might have encountered other people who engage in specific behaviours in a repeated pattern towards you, that is unhealthy and perhaps abusive. Some of these behaviours could be specifically targeted to cause hurt, shame, and other difficult emotions, to gain upper hand, to control you or manipulate you or to get you to back off etc.

Situations where you might encounter this could be in a couple relationship, friendship, siblings, colleagues and etc.   When it happens repeatedly with people that you know, people that you are close to, people you interact with on a daily basis it becomes very difficult to handle as well as to ignore, and the longer you are subjected to this kind of treatment the greater the damage is for you.   Especially in close relationships – they hold significant power to hurt us when they behave this way.

These damaging behaviours can range from ignoring what you are saying, making faces, making snide remarks, talking in a loud / Harsh / rough / rude manners, blaming, name calling, insults, labelling, using words that are hurtful/ spiteful / rude / sarcastic etc,  words and body language that is disrespectful etc to list a few.

First of all you need to understand whether this is a one off behaviour or is a repetitive pattern of behaviour or attitude that this person has towards you. If it is a repetitive pattern then this would fall under the category of psychological or emotional abuse.  The problem with emotional abuse is it is so insidious that to detect and to be aware that this particular behaviour is abuse is very difficult for the one who is facing it.  The person who gets abused most of the time would end up blame themselves for the behaviour of the abuser.

First let’s look at what not to do in this situation

1. You feel attacked and hence you try to defend yourself

This person abuses you by name calling or labelling you as stupid or useless etc. You try to defend yourself and to prove that you are not stupid are useless to them, by giving examples, by giving proof to them, that the label they gave you is not valid. No amount of proof that you give them, will stop them from attacking you.

2. Trying to reason with the person using logic and rational arguments

Trying to explain to the person who is behaving in abusive manner, your point of view and how your point of view has sound logic.  The fact that the person uses abusive behaviour as a tool means they will not be able to listen to rational arguments.

3. Shout back or use abusive words back to them

This just escalates the issue, and makes the situation worse. There is no resolution of the issue as well as the behaviour. Now your behaviour, also has gotten tuned to the other person’s behaviour. It just becomes shouting match and gets you to a place, that is exhausting, draining, leaving you frustrated and the issue and resolved.

What can be done?

1. Understand what is happening. Focus on the process rather than just the content.

When you are insulted or labelled negatively or shouted upon etc,  you feel the surge of emotions within, which could be hurt, pain, shame and frustration etc.  And you would react to the situation based upon these emotions.  As I mentioned earlier you end up defending, justifying, explaining yourself to the other person.  What you need to do is to focus on the process of what is happening.  That will help you understand what that the person is doing – be it shouting or labelling or name calling or being disrespectful.  This awareness is the very first step. Being aware of what the other person is actually doing and what is the purpose of their behaviour.  Focusing on this reduces the intensity of the emotional experience.

2. Based upon your understanding call out the untoward behaviour.

In most reasonable relationships the person would claim that they didn’t know that they were hurting you or that they were shouting or engaging in this kind of abusive behaviour.  And typically that would be one of their defences.

And by calling out, you are bringing it to their attention that they are engaging in this specific behaviour and that it will not be tolerated and you would not continue to engage with them unless that behaviour stops and changes right in that moment.

You can say

“Please reduce your volume. There is no need to raise your voice”

“What you are saying is hurtful. There is no need to say hurtful things ”

“Your behaviour is disrespectful.  This is not ok”

“There is no need to use foul language here”

” You are being sarcastic.  There is no need for sarcasm here”

etc

4. Disengage – Do not continue to engage unless the behaviour is addressed

If the other person realises what they have been doing and changes their behaviour to lower tone or better language etc., then continue the conversation. Otherwise disengage, or move away from that place or that room to a different location if possible. Tell them that you will be ready to talk to them when their behaviour comes back to normal and not until then.

5. What to do when the person is passive aggressive?

Again here call out the behaviour.

“So now you are giving me the silent treatment is it”

“So you prefer to walk away rather than address the issue”

Make it clear to them that you will not engage until the other person is willing to come and talk about what ever the issue is in a calm manner.

6. What if the behavior escalates when you call it out ?

There is a possibility that the person might escalate their abusive behaviour when you call it out to them. Verbal abuse might escalate to Physical violence too. These are situations where you need to be safe and your safety becomes the priority.This would really mean that this is an abusive relationship, the person knows about it, but they are unwilling to change despite knowing that their behaviour is abusive.

Then you need to really assess your situation, look into your dependencies on the person be it financial, emotional, social aspects and take a call to keep yourself physically and emotionally safe. You can take professional help and talk to a counselor or a therapist to weigh your options and take a decision with clarity.

Every behaviour that is abusive needs to have consequences that will impact the person adversely. The absence of any consequence only encourages the abusive behaviour even more.

The post Dealing with Verbally Abusive behaviour before it worsens first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Emotional abuse in a relationship is defined as a set of behaviours and actions that are used to establish and maintain power and control in a relationship, which could be any of the following – more often than not – yelling, screaming, insults, put downs, criticism, bad/hurtful language, calling names, emotional blackmail, threats of violence, threats to leave, threats to take away the children, silent treatment, withdrawal of affection, financial control, control of the other supporting relations, excessive suspicion/ checking etc. Primarily the intent is to control the other partner and make them do what the abuser wants them to do.

The important feature is that this happens repeatedly and is not a one off behavior and it gradually damages the other person’s self esteem, confidence, self worth and a sense of identity. It could make them feel insecure, afraid, anxious, can lead to depression and other psychological damages.

The abusive partner might have had an abusive childhood, might have had abusive environment in their childhood, might have learnt that their abusive behavior makes them feel powerful and in control of the situation and people around.  No matter what the underlying reason for the abusive behavior, the abusive partner is an adult and would need to take responsibility for that behavior, no matter how much they might feel provoked.

Emotional abuse can be as severe and damaging as physical abuse. Though it doesn’t leave physical scars, it does leave emotional and psychological scars on the abused.

Now what are some of the reasons why the other person stays in the relationship and allows the emotional abuse to continue?

• The abused partner might feel that they have nobody else and nowhere else to go outside the relationship. They might feel powerless in the relationship too.
• Might be financially dependent on the abuser.
• Might have a low self esteem which gets compounded and gets even more damaged by the emotional abuse, that they can’t even think that they can do anything about it.
• Might believe that their partner has a right to treat them that way. Or may believe that this is how families are, based on their own childhood experiences.
• Might have had childhood trauma perhaps with one or both of their parents who were abusive towards them.
• Might believe that keeping the family intact would perhaps be the best for the children, to not have a broken family.
• Over a period of time, being in the cycle of abuse, they might have started believing that they are responsible for everything abusive that their partner does. They may believe in something like- “If I had not said/done something, then my partner wouldn’t have gotten angry and gotten into the abusive behaviour”.
• Might use the abuse to get the sympathy of other people in the family.
• Might be co-dependent, I believe that they are the only one who can help the abusive partner and believe that without them their abusive partner will not be able to survive.
• Might fear the social stigma of separation, being alone, if there are children, parenting them alone etc.

What can you do if you find yourself in an abusive relationship?

If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, where you are being abused, the first step is to recognize it and the second step is to ask for support or help, for you to be able to handle it appropriately.

Remember – Children who are being brought up in abusive environment either may get abused themselves, may become abusive themselves in the future, or may end up enduring abuse in their future relationships.

An abusive environment cannot be a healthy environment for the couple or for the family or for the children.

Counselling can possibly help both partners address the abusive behavior and also address any other underlying relationship issues as well, depending on the nature, severity of the abuse, the abusive partner’s motivation level to change the abusive behaviors.  The abusive partner needs to take responsibility for the abusive behavior, commit to make real-on the ground changes in their thoughts, beliefs and behaviors to make a lasting change.

Depending on the nature and severity of abuse, the counsellor will recommend if couple therapy is amenable for the couple or to start with individual therapy.

Even if the abusive partner is not willing to seek help, the other partner can learn to keep themselves safe emotionally, stand up for themselves in a safe manner and take decisions accordingly regarding their life, family and relationship.

Read more : Will couple counselling help if there is abuse in the relationship?

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling.  She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.

The post Emotional abuse in relationships. Why do people stay? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.