When clients come in for relationship therapy / couple therapy I usually tell them that a relationship is built on four pillars – that is commitment, trust, respect and communication.

And somewhere these pillars are also interconnected, that when any damage to one is left unaddressed, it will somewhere also indicate or induce damage to others over a period of time.

In this article I talk about the pillar of respect.  Mutual respect is an essential component towards a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Here are five ways in which disrespect can show up in your relationship damaging one of core pillars of the relationship.

1. Do you often find Sarcasm, put downs, contempt in communication with your partner?

When you communicate with each other do you see a lot of sarcasm being exchanged? Do you put down each other or insult each other, call each other names? Do you feel contempt towards each other? Contempt is an extreme form of disrespect – it’s a feeling that the other person has no worth and is beneath consideration.

2. Disinterest in what you do 

Is your partner interested or disinterested in your pursuits – which could be your career, your interests or something that you are passionate about? Does your partner ask you about what’s happening in your life with respect to your interests, encourage you?

3. Not showing care for your physical and emotional health

Does your partner show in words and action that they care about your physical or emotional health? Do they attend to your needs, be it supporting you when you are unwell, asking you about your health, taking you to the hospital as needed, getting you medicines, talking and listening to you, offering kind words, a loving touch?

4. Not listening / not interested in communicating

Listening and offering attention is a significant way of showing respect. Are you the only one who is attempting at conversation? Is your partner on phone all the time when you are trying to talk to them? Are they zoned out when you are talking to them? Do they interrupt you all the time not allowing you to finish expressing your thoughts?

5. Lying / dishonesty

Are you both honest with each other? Dishonesty can creep in many ways like lying of omission or lying of commission. Lying by omission is the intentional exclusion of important information. Lying by commission is providing false information intentionally. This could also situations where you do something that your partner would not be comfortable with and you hide it from them.

When you allow disrespect to continue with out being addressed, it will damage the relationship further in the other areas as well.  In a way when you allow disrespect to continue, you are also contributing for the deterioration of the relationship.

Talk to your partner and make a sincere attempt to identify and address the core issue. If that is not effective, couple therapy could be a possibility that you can pursue. As a couple therapist, I see many couples arrive at therapy after years of conflict and disrespect. Some even may have met a lawyer and considering divorce and see therapy as the last resort. Though it may be possible to work on your relationship at any stage, the earlier that you seek support the better you can seek the outcomes that you are looking for.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in.

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