If a couple says they don’t fight at all, there sure is some problem there.  And if they fight all the time then definitely there is a problem.

When couples have conflicts they typically have 4 options
1. They may choose to completely avoid the conflict pushing the issue under the carpet
2. They will engage in the conflict but Most of these would get escalated
3. One may just give in just to avoid the conflict. Or the other forcefully pushes their agenda. That means they agree on the surface, but deep within resentment builds up in the relationship.  
4. Deal with the conflict in a healthy manner.

It is a given that Conflicts and disagreements are and will be part of any relationship. Avoiding conflicts is impossible and inevitable in a close and personal relationship. It is how you deal with the conflict that determines whether you feel closer to each other or you feel torn apart.  

For healthy relationships it very important for both the partners to learn to deal with conflicts in a healthy manner.  Here I share with you 5 steps that you can follow to deal with conflicts in your relationship in a healthy manner.

1. Manage your emotions

When your emotions are running high when you are agitated the first thing which goes out of the window is listening.  And when there is no listening there can’t be any understanding, or empathy or progress.

And whatever you communicate when you are an agitated state will be coloured by those emotions. Leading to even more misunderstandings and escalation. When you are highly frustrated or angry etc you might end up saying things which you don’t mean,  or your body language could communicate aggression or disrespect etc which could be hurtful to your partner.

So when either of you are experiencing heightened emotions are agitation it might help to you take a time out and calm down before you continue with the conversation.

2.  Listen and clarify.  You can disagree but first listen

When your partner is talking, you are already thinking of why that is wrong or incorrect and you are already preparing a response to it in your head.

Or you already have a bunch of assumptions and preconceived notions about your partner and look at anything that they say or do through those lenses – another contributor to misunderstandings.

So if you can stay in the here and now, keep away the assumptions and attempt to listen to what your partner is saying though you may disagree.  Then it is possible to get to know your partners point of view. May be you will find a bit of value in it. This allows you to empathize with each other.  And then you can state your point of view or your disagreement.

3. Stay on the subject

When the conflict is escalating, at some point of time you don’t have anything more to say. And you bring in a new issue or you bring back something from the past which has stayed unresolved and throw it in the mix. Something which you can use in your favour or to blame or accuse your partner.

It is important to stay on the subject that you are discussing and not bring in other issues in the moment till the time the current subject is addressed. Otherwise, the issue will not get resolved and you will go around in circles.  And this issue will get stored carefully to be dragged in, in to a future conflict.

4. Respect always, no matter what

No matter what the conflict is, it is critical that both parties maintain respect in the conversation. This includes raising voice, sarcasm, put downs, hurtful or bad language, calling names etc.  Or it could be communicated in body language like rolling of the eyes, walking away or turning away, even withdrawal and silent treatment etc. Aggression or abuse in any form is disrespectful.

Respect is one of the core pillars of the relationship. And being the middle of the conflict does not give you the licence to be disrespectful to each other.

5. Take Responsibility

Sometimes at the end of the conflict, the issue at hand might get resolved and both of you may come to an agreement.

Having said that, what was said and done during the process of the conflict also could have caused a whole bunch of hurt, pain, shame sadness etc.

It is important that you take responsibility for the hurt caused as you went through the process of conflict. Otherwise these emotions will remain unresolved and will come up in another conflict downstream.

Apologize, acknowledge the impact of your words or action or inaction on your partner.

The important question is have you learnt from this experience? There is no point in apologizing for something and doing the same thing again and again.

So the key questions to ask would be

Are you able to deal with conflicts in your relationship effectively?
Are you able to listen, clarity and respond with respect and take respossibilty?
Do you address and resolve the hurt or other emotions evoked in the process of conflict?
Are you able to look for a win-win solution or approach that works for the both of you?

If your conflicts remain unresolved in your relationship or conflicts keep escalating then it might be a good idea to seek relationship counselling or therapy. You can also seek couple therapy to improve your relationship even before these challenges arise.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, TA etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

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