Love is not just a word or feeling. Love in action, needs to be seen, felt and received by your partner.

In the last 10 years that I have been practicing as a couple therapist, this is one of the most common but significant challenge that I have seen that couples face. Many couples love and care for each other but are not able to feel that love from each other. And that leads to insecurity, resentment, withdrawal, escalating conflicts and criticism and they start doubting that their love is lost.

It is important to show love in the way that your partner can receive it and feel loved by you. If you believe that you love the other person, if you feel love for the other person within yourself, it is good but it is not enough. In a relationship it is important for you to convey that love to the other person and for the other person to receive it and feel loved the way they want themselves to be loved.

In this article, I draw heavily from “The five love languages” by Gary Chapman and also add on my own experience of working with couples.

Assuming that the both of you in the relationship trust and respect each other, I will go ahead and talk about 10 ways that you can show your love to your partner.  These could be applicable for couples in a relationship, married partners, live in partners and any kind of couple.

“Showing love is doing what your partner prefers and likes rather than doing what is the most convenient for you or what you prefer“

1. Appreciate and acknowledge your partner.

It is important to acknowledge the things that you do for each other and appreciate each other. This could be encouraging words, offering a thank you or gratitude, appreciation for their effort or accomplishments, complimenting their appearance or trait, validation and so on. It is important for your partner to know that you really value them and appreciate them for what they do and more importantly who they are.

2. Share responsibilities or workload

Your partner might want you to share certain responsibilities and take up some of their workload. Taking up some work and doing a shoddy job wont do. It is important for you to ask your partner what they would like and prefer from you, how they would want you to show your love to them, what kind of support they need from you.

3. Spending quality time with each other.

Your partner might want you to spend time together. Ask how they would like to spend this time together.  Do they want to have more conversations, talk about each other, do an activity together, travel, spend time in nature etc., or a mix of all that? If your partner wants to have deep conversations, watching Netflix together may not do.

4. Physical touch can convey love.

Physical touch and intimacy, is not just sexual intimacy. There is a lot that can be conveyed through a gentle touch. Kindness, compassion, warmth, presence, partnership, support, love, care, concern, affection etc., can all be conveyed through a gentle touch if your partner prefers that. Physical touch can be holding hands, sitting close to each other, holding, hugging, kisses, a neck rub or shoulder rub, a massage etc. Physical touch may or may not lead to sexual intimacy but the intent here is to express and show love to your partner.

5. Offer a safe haven and support to your partner.

Provide a place of safety in the relationship for your partner to express, share and open themselves up to you without fear of being judged or criticized. Offer them the confidence that what they share with you will stay with you and will not be used against them either now or in the future. You are there to support each other, have each other’s back and pull each other up in tough times.

6. Offer empathy and validation.

When there is no judgement or criticism, it becomes possible to offer validation and empathy to your partner. It does not mean that you have to agree with everything that your partner says or does. It is possible to empathise with your partner’s emotional experience even if you disagree with the content of what happened. Empathy is an extremely crucial component to develop bonding in a relationship. It is also a core component of effective communication.

7. Stay involved in each other.

Know your partner’s aspirations and dreams. Stay involved, support, take part in your partners dreams, and see them come true. Relish in your partner’s success. Ask, understand their challenges, problems and offer to support, in the way that they prefer. After all you both are partners for both good times and difficult times.

8. Ask for feedback from your partner.

Make time regularly to talk about your relationship. Ask for feedback from your partner whether they feel loved, valued, cherished in the relationship. Ask about things that you do or don’t that really annoy them and make an effort to address the same reasonably. Make time to air your grievances in a non-critical way. The intent of talking about the relationship is to convey that it is important for you and that you are willing to take the feedback as a way to be better.

9. Account for your partner’s friends and family.

Though we are talking about showing love to your partner, it is also important to acknowledge, respect and accept friends and family of your partner. Their family has been there with them all through their life, and friends come in to life by choice. Mutual respect for each other’s friends and family is important, when you want to show love to each other.

10. Love your own self.

Loving yourself does not mean you are being selfish. If you truly don’t love yourself, it is difficult to truly love the other. That could mean having some time for yourself, doing the things that you really like to do, paying attention to your needs, spending time for self-care and nourishment etc. When you lose yourself in a relationship, eventually resentment builds within. The key is to do this at a reasonable level that works out for the both of you.

Read more about the three types of intimacy in Couples here.

Couple therapy could be a choice for couples who want to enhance their love and emotional connection with each other. This may involve learning to deal with conflicts in a healthy way, resolving past hurt and problems, and learning to give and receive love in a way that both partners feel loved and valued in the relationship.

What are your thoughts about showing love to your partner? Do share in comments.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling / Relationship counselling.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

REFERENCES:
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Gary Chapman

The post 10 ways to show love in action to your partner first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Are you having more and more conflicts with your spouse? Are your conflicts escalating, even when you are trying to resolve the same?

Sharad and Sonia started their marriage on a wonderful note. Beautiful wedding, exciting, romantic and interesting places for their honeymoon.  They settled down in a beautiful new apartment in the heart of the city.  Life seemed wonderful for the both of them.

Within six months into the marriage, small disagreements and conflicts started creeping in.  As time went by, even the smallest of the conflicts started getting escalated. Argument would start about something but end at a completely different level fighting about completely different things.  And nothing would get resolved between the two of them.  They started fearing that any conversation might lead to a conflict and they started communicating less and less with each other, leading to more distancing, reduced intimacy and reduced expression of love and affection.

If you relate to this fictionalized couple, as a relationship therapist, let me tell you, it is possible to diffuse such escalating conflicts in 3 simple steps.

1. Manage your emotions

Be aware of your emotions, and manage your emotions. And when your emotions become unmanageable, take a “Time Out” to calm yourself down, and come back to continue the discussion when both of you are in a fairly calm state of mind. It is important to set a time, to resume the discussion, otherwise the issue remains unresolved.  When one partner asks for a “Time Out” the other partner should oblige and get them both the time needed to calm down.

2. Stick to the current issue at hand

Most of the time issues get escalated because one of you or the both of you would bring in other issues either from the present or from the past to bolster your case or to prove that you are right.  Unresolved issues from the past get brought up in the present, to gain an upper hand in the fight. You might also end up bringing in to the argument, issues related to the family and friends of the other.

3. Maintain respect

No matter what the topic of the disagreement or conflict is about, make sure whatever you say and however you say, is respectful to your partner. Make sure your voice, your tone, your body language, your gestures and the words that you choose to use remain respectful. If you are emotions are out of control and you are agitated and unable to maintain your composure, go back to step 1 and take a time out.

If you both can follow these three steps, no matter how major a conflict that you have, it will be possible for you de-escalate the same and to address it in a healthy manner with your partner, and possibly bring it to a resolution. And in some cases possibly agree to disagree as well in a healthy manner.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling.  She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.

The post Are your relationship conflicts escalating-defuse in three steps first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.