In a relationship and still feeling lonely? 4 steps to take to address this loneliness in your relationship and feel connected with each other.

So many couples come into therapy saying that they feel lonely in the relationship. They complain that there are no conversations happening between them. That they don’t feel the connection between each other, are not able to be there emotionally for each other, and it leads to them feeling more lonely and frustration, which shows up as
escalating conflicts, pulling them even more apart from each other.

Some couples might have some major unresolved issues or some other crisis that they are facing, which need to be addressed and resolved before they can feel connected to each other again. But if there are no major crises involved, it is possible to take simple steps to reconnect with each other.

1. Remember – You chose each other as your partner.

In couple therapy, typically when I start to work with a couple, one of the first things that I encourage them to do is to reminisce
and express why they chose Each Other as their life partner. You would have seen something in each other that made you feel some attraction and led you to a decision to choose each other as your life partner. Or to think about the early part of the relationship, when you would have come to know some good things about each other. Expressing this to each other creates a nice cushion from feeling lonely and brings back some fond memories for the couple.

2. Ask yourself if you are taking your partner for granted

When you are in a relationship, this is a very important question to ask yourself.  Taking each other for granted can strip away all the positivity, leaving only the negative, difficult, and conflicting aspects of the relationship in your thoughts and memory. Look for positive traits and even small or big things that your partner does, by themselves or for you. Take an interest in what your partner’s day has been like, what they are working on, and their challenges. Say thank you for the small and big things or daily things that they do for you. And ask yourself, do I truly acknowledge these positive aspects and contributions that my partner brings to the table? If the answer is NO, then start acknowledging and appreciating your partner now.

3. Engaging in more positive acts with each other consciously

If you are a working professional, isn’t it normal that you spend a lot of time, effort and energy to maintain a good impression and be in the good books of your management and colleagues? In the same note, I would encourage you to also consider your relationship as equally important. Both of you need to be in each other’s good books by being genuine, open, honest, respectful, caring and loving with each other.

Spend quality time with each other. Talk to each other. Conversations can be about your childhood, dreams, aspirations, experiences, lessons learnt in life etc.

Identify common areas of interest and engage in activities together. Touch also could be a powerful way of showing care and
love. Touch is not just sex, but includes non sexual touch like holding hands, hugging, kissing, cuddling, holding each other, etc. Non sexual touch and closeness can lead to sex, but not necessarily. I will perhaps make another video on this topic of intimacy. So, your relationship deserves attention, importance and care as well. Make an attempt to engage in positive activities with and for each other and create pleasant memories with each other.

4. Be kind to yourself and your partner

We all have this critical voice inside, that could criticise both ourselves as well as the other person moment there is a problem or fault or mistake involved. And do a check, if you have the tendency to jump on any small mistakes, point out and criticise your partner at the earliest possible opportunity. Or do you have the habit of collecting and remembering all the faults or mistakes that your partner made, that you bring up at a later date, perhaps in a conflict? It is important to quieten the critical voice inside both towards yourself as well as people around you. You can try to replace it with more kind and compassionate words and voice. With this, you learn to appreciate your own self as well as the people around you.

There are so many ways to feel less lonely and more connected. Here is a starting point in your endeavour to better your relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post Are you in a Relationship and Still Feeling Lonely? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Planning to get married or maybe you are already married? Or are you in a committed long-term relationship and planning to live together?  Here are 5 critical topics that you could have conversations about with your partner that can directly impact your relationship. What are these critical topics for couple conversations?

So what do you generally talk about? Do you talk about what you both like, dislike, movies, other regular stuff? That is good too.  But it is important to have conversations on the following topics, if you haven’t done yet and be on the same page. There is no one right way of doing things in these areas. Both of you can find ways that work for the both of you.

As a relationship counsellor I usually facilitate discussions between the couple as part of pre-marital counselling / couple counselling on these topics that are important for a stable relationship, of course as per their needs. When both of you are not on the same page, or kind of agree on your differences, these can create significant challenges downstream in your relationship.

1. Talk Finances – Money:

Talking money or finances is something which many couples find sticky or tricky or difficult or talk about. This is a very significant topic where that could be many differences which can come about and rock your relationship.

How much do each of you earn? What if one partner not planning to earn? How would you spend on household expenses? What expenses are considered extravagant and what are considered necessary? Do either of you have any debt? What are your average monthly expenses till now? What is your attitude towards spending and saving? How will investments etc be done? 

2. Share and discuss your core values:

It is important for couples to have some shared core values between them. If your Values are completely different from each other and if you are unable to reconcile, it may feel like living with some one that you can’t relate to.

What do you consider as your core values? Which one of those are non-negotiable for you? This could be about honesty, transparency, respect, trust, equality, sex, family interactions/ responsibilities, parenting, ethics etc.  This could also be about religion, religious practices and other key beliefs regarding political views, race, discrimination etc that you hold.

How will significant decisions be made between the two of you and what kind of an agreement is necessary for these decisions?  Who else would be involved in these decisions? What happens if either of you disagrees?

3. Plans for children:

Do not shy away from talking about children. Typically this is one of the non-negotiables. A disagreement on this can damage or break your relationship.

Talk about your plans regarding children. If you plan to have, then talk about when, how many and if not, the reasons why. In most families there will be pressure to have children, perhaps at earliest. How would you communicate your plans to your families if you need to? If you don’t plan to have children for a while, then how would you plan for that? Who would take responsibility for contraception?

What kind of parenting approach have you experienced in your childhood and what kind of parents would you like to your child to have? What could be the level of influence/support of extended family on child rearing? What level of involvement would you want yourself and your partner to have in parenting?

4. House hold responsibilities:

The topic of household responsibilities become the day-to-day issue for many couples once they start living together. It is better to have clear communication regarding this upfront, rather than being dissatisfied or built resentments over time.

How would you share the house hold responsibilities and chores?  Are you both looking for an equitable distribution or not?  How were things done in your own family of origin in your childhood? Would sharing of house hold responsibilities change or vary based on changes in employment or child rearing etc?

5. Boundaries, space and what is not acceptable:

It is important to have boundaries for your relationship and to be on the same page regarding what can be shared with others and what can’t be. The term boundaries may seem restrictive in a true sense it is a permeable protection for your relationship. Like a house having walls but also those with locks on it, you can let people in when you want to and when you prefer to and not otherwise.

What do you see as private and what is not? When and where do you need space for yourself too? What do you see as fidelity, what is considered ok or not ok for each of you? Can you agree on these terms?

Of course, these are just top 5 in my opinion. There could be many more. And none of these are written in stone and could change over a period of time as you both grow as individuals and as a couple.  Then they would need to be talked about and renegotiated to arrive at a revised understanding and agreement.

If your conversations are not giving you clarity, you can seek professional support and seek pre-marital counselling / couple counselling, a safe space to express yourself and to understand your partner.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

The post 5 Critical topics for Couple Conversations first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Lying.  One of the common behaviours that we all engage in, somewhere or the other. We may lie about our whereabouts, or saying we will reach in 10 minutes when we know it will take half an hour, we may say that we are not well to take leave at work.  We tell these lies and we assume them to be innocuous. Are there lies in your relationship?  Can you assume them to be innocuous or does it damage the relationship over time? Is it possible to recover from the damage caused by lying to your relationship?

One of my favourite sayings on this topic is
“The greatest advantage in speaking the truth is that you don’t have to remember what you said”

Before addressing the impact of lying on relationships, let us first look at what all would be lying.

– Omitting any piece of information deliberately – a partial truth or a partial lie.
– Hiding something or offering white lies assuming that what your partner does not know would not hurt them.
– Avoiding answers, or offering vague answers to avoid telling the truth.
– To defend yourself or to protect, you may be saying an outright lie.
– Lying could be about small little things are big things in life, but over time they do tend to pile up.

What happens when you lie your partner? Can you assume them to be innocuous or does it damage the relationship over time?  Let us find out.

1. Lying damages the trust in the relationship:

Trust is one of the fundamental pillars of a relationship. When you have been lying to your partner, you might do it assuming it will not be found or that it is too small etc. Trust me, lies will always found by your partner sooner or later. It can make them feel insecure and it would make them unsure about what to believe in and what not to. You may end up sowing the seeds of suspicion in your partner, that they may feel confused about anything important that you ever said was ever true. 

2. Lying does hurt both of you.

Many may justify that, what their partner doesn’t know wouldn’t hurt them. That’s a myth. Lying hurts both you and your partner. Your partner might feel devalued, unimportant and feel hurt. More time that passes, more can be the hurt caused.  And even if your partner hasn’t found out about it yet, you would still know that you lied, that could have a impact on your relationship, in terms of your openness and honesty and involvement in the relationship. It impacts your integrity and your sense of self.

Your partner knows even if they haven’t caught you or confronted you yet. When you are in intimate relationship your partner knows you deeply. They will know that something is off. This can pass them to withdraw or become suspicious. It can also impact your partner’s sense of worth in the relationship.

3. Lying creates a vicious cycle trapping you in a maze of lies:

And when you lie about one thing, you will end up lying for the more to cover it up. And lies have a geometric progression. That means to hide one you might have to say two, three or more lies. And to hide each one of them, you might have to tell two, three or more lies. And you will end up with a big pile of lies on other words a big pile of mess. This can make it a habit and you could get caught in this vicious cycle. You might end up feeling trapped in it, unable to get out of it with out damaging yourself, your partner and your relationship. Some times when you tell a lie repeatedly, you might also end up convincing yourself that it is the truth blurring the lines between truth and lie for you.

Is it possible to recover from the damage caused by lying to your relationship?

The answer is yes. It is possible to recover from the damage and re-build the relationship, provided both parties are willing to put in the effort required as needed.  This will require commitment to take full ownership of your past lies without any blaming or shifting of blame on the other or on the situation. The partner who has been lying will need to take the primary responsibility for honesty and accountability to rebuild trust in the relationship. This could mean, apologizing or explaining with out justifying your actions. To hear out the aggrieved partner offer validation and empathy. To learn from the past and commit to openness honesty ad transparency going forward. Of course the other partner also needs to be willing to look at their own contribution to the problem at hand, and allow for trust to be rebuilt.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post How does lying impact your relationship? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

When couples come in for therapy, or even individuals who want to work on their relationship, one of the key things that we discuss and try to understand is what is their definition of a relationship. What are the components or what I call as pillars of relationship?  Many Couples are surprised to realize that the definition of relationship is very different from each other.

Let me share the framework that I usually offer to clients, a set of pillars that need to be strong to support a healthy relationship.  When even one of these pillars are damaged it does shakeup the relationship impacting its stability. Curious to know what these pillars are?

These pillars are  
1. Commitment
2. Trust
3. Respect
4. Communication

Let’s jump right in, and talk about each one of them in detail. 

The first Pillar is Commitment. Commitment has four layers.

1a. Legal commitment: When a couple get married it is a legally documented or legally valid relationship that is also a legal contract. Here both the partners get specific rights and responsibilities, and if they want to get separated, they may need to go through legally valid process or legal process to get divorced.

1b. Social commitment: If you are committed to each other or when you live together, you also take up a social commitment to present yourself as a couple. You may need to interact with each other families, and friends.  If you have children, you take up parental responsibilities etc

1c. Emotional and Support commitment: Here you commit to address each other’s reasonable needs, which includes love, affection, care, concern, support and so on.  Be there for each other physically, mentally, emotionally, financially in good times and bad times, take care of each other, share responsibilities etc. It is also a commitment to not seek or offer this kind of support outside of the relationship that makes your partner uncomfortable or without your partner’s consent.  What is ok or not ok for your relationship, that is, what are the boundaries of your relationship is something that is defined by the two of you.  

1d. Sexual commitment: To address each other reasonable sexual needs and to commit not to look for sexual experiences outside the relationship, with your partner’s consent if you are in a monogamous relationship.  If you are in an ethical not-monogamous relationship, then the commitment is to stick to the agreed upon rules of your relationship.

The second pillar is trust: 

It is said that it takes years to build trust but a moment to break it and forever to rebuild. To build trust it is important that both partners remain open and honest with each other. Trust also means keeping your words and promises, sticking to your commitments and taking action accordingly, not making tall promises and renege on it. Being consistent with what you do and what you believe in. Saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Being honest about your emotions, admitting to your mistakes and not repeating it and so on.

Many people think that, sharing partial information, withholding or telling White Lies which in their opinion doesn’t hurt the other person etc doesn’t damage the relationship, but it does. Maybe I will do a different video focusing on this topic, but when there are many lies being told, and subsequently your partner will figure it out. And they will not be able to trust if anything that you tell is true or ever told was truth.

The third pillar is Respect: 

Without respect there is no real relationship, when you respect your partner, there is space for them to be who they are, to hold and express their opinions and preferences even if they are different from yours.  To respect each other’s values and beliefs. That both of you know that you would consider each other choices, preferences, comfort levels, discuss with each other and arrive at a consensus for any significant decisions. Respect also could be about valuing each other, valuing what you do, valuing what each other does for the relationship. It is also about talking and interacting with each other’s families respectfully etc.  It also means staying away from disrespectful behaviour like physical violence or emotional abuse, putdowns, insults, name calling, sarcasm, manipulation etc.  Respect means, you both feel safe in each other’s presence, to be who you are and feel accepted by your partner.

The fourth pillar is Effective Communication:

Effective communication is the pillar that enables the other pillars to stay strong. The damage to a relationship first show up in this pillar as communication breakdown. Couples need to be able to communicate positively about how they appreciate each other value each other, how they are important to each other, and how they rely and are interdependent on each other. Couples also need to be able to have difficult communications (have a conflict) but still be able to convey their point of view to each other and understand each other point of views and arrive at a resolution. To be able to clarify misunderstandings, take responsibility for one’s own actions and inactions and apologize if needed. Couples also need to able to understand one’s own emotions, then each other’s emotions and be able to empathize with each other in order address each other’s needs.   

So we talked about the 4 pillars of a relationship.  Commitment, Trust, Respect and Communication.

Remember your relationship is like the house that you build on top of these pillars.  The pillars are somewhere connected to each other. So when there is damage in one it will result in some damage and the others also, and damage when it is left unaddressed for long can ultimately impact your relationship significantly.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post The Four Pillars of a Relationship. first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.