In a relationship and still feeling lonely? 4 steps to take to address this loneliness in your relationship and feel connected with each other.

So many couples come into therapy saying that they feel lonely in the relationship. They complain that there are no conversations happening between them. That they don’t feel the connection between each other, are not able to be there emotionally for each other, and it leads to them feeling more lonely and frustration, which shows up as
escalating conflicts, pulling them even more apart from each other.

Some couples might have some major unresolved issues or some other crisis that they are facing, which need to be addressed and resolved before they can feel connected to each other again. But if there are no major crises involved, it is possible to take simple steps to reconnect with each other.

1. Remember – You chose each other as your partner.

In couple therapy, typically when I start to work with a couple, one of the first things that I encourage them to do is to reminisce
and express why they chose Each Other as their life partner. You would have seen something in each other that made you feel some attraction and led you to a decision to choose each other as your life partner. Or to think about the early part of the relationship, when you would have come to know some good things about each other. Expressing this to each other creates a nice cushion from feeling lonely and brings back some fond memories for the couple.

2. Ask yourself if you are taking your partner for granted

When you are in a relationship, this is a very important question to ask yourself.  Taking each other for granted can strip away all the positivity, leaving only the negative, difficult, and conflicting aspects of the relationship in your thoughts and memory. Look for positive traits and even small or big things that your partner does, by themselves or for you. Take an interest in what your partner’s day has been like, what they are working on, and their challenges. Say thank you for the small and big things or daily things that they do for you. And ask yourself, do I truly acknowledge these positive aspects and contributions that my partner brings to the table? If the answer is NO, then start acknowledging and appreciating your partner now.

3. Engaging in more positive acts with each other consciously

If you are a working professional, isn’t it normal that you spend a lot of time, effort and energy to maintain a good impression and be in the good books of your management and colleagues? In the same note, I would encourage you to also consider your relationship as equally important. Both of you need to be in each other’s good books by being genuine, open, honest, respectful, caring and loving with each other.

Spend quality time with each other. Talk to each other. Conversations can be about your childhood, dreams, aspirations, experiences, lessons learnt in life etc.

Identify common areas of interest and engage in activities together. Touch also could be a powerful way of showing care and
love. Touch is not just sex, but includes non sexual touch like holding hands, hugging, kissing, cuddling, holding each other, etc. Non sexual touch and closeness can lead to sex, but not necessarily. I will perhaps make another video on this topic of intimacy. So, your relationship deserves attention, importance and care as well. Make an attempt to engage in positive activities with and for each other and create pleasant memories with each other.

4. Be kind to yourself and your partner

We all have this critical voice inside, that could criticise both ourselves as well as the other person moment there is a problem or fault or mistake involved. And do a check, if you have the tendency to jump on any small mistakes, point out and criticise your partner at the earliest possible opportunity. Or do you have the habit of collecting and remembering all the faults or mistakes that your partner made, that you bring up at a later date, perhaps in a conflict? It is important to quieten the critical voice inside both towards yourself as well as people around you. You can try to replace it with more kind and compassionate words and voice. With this, you learn to appreciate your own self as well as the people around you.

There are so many ways to feel less lonely and more connected. Here is a starting point in your endeavour to better your relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post Are you in a Relationship and Still Feeling Lonely? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Planning to get married or maybe you are already married? Or are you in a committed long-term relationship and planning to live together?  Here are 5 critical topics that you could have conversations about with your partner that can directly impact your relationship. What are these critical topics for couple conversations?

So what do you generally talk about? Do you talk about what you both like, dislike, movies, other regular stuff? That is good too.  But it is important to have conversations on the following topics, if you haven’t done yet and be on the same page. There is no one right way of doing things in these areas. Both of you can find ways that work for the both of you.

As a relationship counsellor I usually facilitate discussions between the couple as part of pre-marital counselling / couple counselling on these topics that are important for a stable relationship, of course as per their needs. When both of you are not on the same page, or kind of agree on your differences, these can create significant challenges downstream in your relationship.

1. Talk Finances – Money:

Talking money or finances is something which many couples find sticky or tricky or difficult or talk about. This is a very significant topic where that could be many differences which can come about and rock your relationship.

How much do each of you earn? What if one partner not planning to earn? How would you spend on household expenses? What expenses are considered extravagant and what are considered necessary? Do either of you have any debt? What are your average monthly expenses till now? What is your attitude towards spending and saving? How will investments etc be done? 

2. Share and discuss your core values:

It is important for couples to have some shared core values between them. If your Values are completely different from each other and if you are unable to reconcile, it may feel like living with some one that you can’t relate to.

What do you consider as your core values? Which one of those are non-negotiable for you? This could be about honesty, transparency, respect, trust, equality, sex, family interactions/ responsibilities, parenting, ethics etc.  This could also be about religion, religious practices and other key beliefs regarding political views, race, discrimination etc that you hold.

How will significant decisions be made between the two of you and what kind of an agreement is necessary for these decisions?  Who else would be involved in these decisions? What happens if either of you disagrees?

3. Plans for children:

Do not shy away from talking about children. Typically this is one of the non-negotiables. A disagreement on this can damage or break your relationship.

Talk about your plans regarding children. If you plan to have, then talk about when, how many and if not, the reasons why. In most families there will be pressure to have children, perhaps at earliest. How would you communicate your plans to your families if you need to? If you don’t plan to have children for a while, then how would you plan for that? Who would take responsibility for contraception?

What kind of parenting approach have you experienced in your childhood and what kind of parents would you like to your child to have? What could be the level of influence/support of extended family on child rearing? What level of involvement would you want yourself and your partner to have in parenting?

4. House hold responsibilities:

The topic of household responsibilities become the day-to-day issue for many couples once they start living together. It is better to have clear communication regarding this upfront, rather than being dissatisfied or built resentments over time.

How would you share the house hold responsibilities and chores?  Are you both looking for an equitable distribution or not?  How were things done in your own family of origin in your childhood? Would sharing of house hold responsibilities change or vary based on changes in employment or child rearing etc?

5. Boundaries, space and what is not acceptable:

It is important to have boundaries for your relationship and to be on the same page regarding what can be shared with others and what can’t be. The term boundaries may seem restrictive in a true sense it is a permeable protection for your relationship. Like a house having walls but also those with locks on it, you can let people in when you want to and when you prefer to and not otherwise.

What do you see as private and what is not? When and where do you need space for yourself too? What do you see as fidelity, what is considered ok or not ok for each of you? Can you agree on these terms?

Of course, these are just top 5 in my opinion. There could be many more. And none of these are written in stone and could change over a period of time as you both grow as individuals and as a couple.  Then they would need to be talked about and renegotiated to arrive at a revised understanding and agreement.

If your conversations are not giving you clarity, you can seek professional support and seek pre-marital counselling / couple counselling, a safe space to express yourself and to understand your partner.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

The post 5 Critical topics for Couple Conversations first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Planning to get hitched?  Or in a committed relationship?  Here are 10 topics that you could have conversations about with your partner that can directly impact your relationship.  

Even if you are already married, or in a long-term relationship, it’s a good idea to have healthy conversations on these topics, if you haven’t done yet and be on the same page. There is no one right way of doing things in these areas. Both of you can find ways that work for the both of you.

As a relationship counsellor I usually facilitate discussions between the couple as part of pre-marital counselling / couple counselling on these topics that are important for a stable relationship as per their needs.

1. Talk finances:

How much do each of you earn? What if one partner not planning to earn? How would you spend on household expenses? What expenses are considered extravagant and what are considered necessary? Do either of you have any debt? What are your average monthly expenses till now? What is your attitude towards spending and saving? How will investments etc be done?  

2. Share and discuss your core values:

What do you consider as your core values? Which one of those are non-negotiable for you? This could be about honesty, transparency, respect, trust, equality, sex, family interactions/ responsibilities, parenting, ethics etc.  This could also be about religion, religious practices and other key beliefs regarding political views, race, discrimination etc that you hold.

3. About plans to live – Where and with whom?

It is important for both of you to be on the same page with respect to which place you intend to live going forward and whom you might be living with?  And if you intend to live on your own (just the two of you) then how frequently would you be visiting each other’s parents/vice versa and how much do you expect to be interacting with them?

4. Mental/physical health issues for yourself or in your close family.

Hiding any mental health issues or physical health issues would create problems in your marriage early if it is found at a later date.  It is better to discuss your history of physical or mental health issues upfront with your partner.

5. Plans for children:

Talk about your plans regarding children. If you plan to have, then talk about when, how many and if not, the reasons why. What kind of parenting approach have you experienced in your childhood and what kind of parents would you like to your child to have? What could be the level of influence/support of extended family on child rearing? What level of involvement would you want to have in parenting?

6. Career plans and any relocation plans if any:

It is important to talk about plans for your career as well as any short term / long term plans for relocation. Each one of you would have built a whole bunch of social connections, friends, family etc around you and relocation plans could disrupt them.

7. House hold responsibilities:

How would you share the house hold responsibilities and chores?  Are you both looking for an equitable distribution or not?  How were things done in your own family of origin in your childhood? Would sharing of house hold responsibilities change or vary based on changes in employment?

8. Dreams and aspirations about the future:

What do you foresee as a future for yourself and for the both of you as a family? What are your ideas about settling down, having a home, having a family etc.,? What activities do you enjoy, which you are looking forward to doing with each other? Do you enjoy travelling what kind of places do you like to visit? Any aspirations that you would like to share with each other?

9. Boundaries, space and what is not acceptable:

It is important to have boundaries for your relationship and to be on the same page regarding what can be shared with others and what can’t be. What do you see as private and what is not? When and where do you need space for yourself too? What do you see as fidelity, what is considered ok or not ok for the both of you as a couple?

10. Decision making process:

How will significant decisions be made between the two of you and what kind of an agreement is necessary for these decisions?  Who else would be involved in these decisions? What happens if either of you disagrees?

Of course, none of these are written in stone and could change over a period of time as you both grow as individuals and as a couple.  Then they would need to be talked about and renegotiated to arrive at a revised understanding and agreement.

If your conversations are not giving you clarity, you can seek professional support and seek pre-marital counselling / couple counselling, a safe space to express yourself and to understand your partner.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in.

The post 10 key conversations to have with your significant other first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.